i bought a new car!!!

All by myself, no co-signer, i bought a brand-spankin-new car. A 2007 Honda Fit.

The Fit is go!

i love it. i love it, i love it, i love it.

It's times like this that i truly feel my addiction.

i want to eat. i want crackers and ice cream, in no particular order. More specifically, i want Wheat Thins and Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream. i have an ache in me that i can't decipher. Is it hunger? Is it all in my head?

Y'know...i've been going to a lot of websites...and i'm so tired of reading about people who are already healthy complaining about 5 pounds. It's not that i think i'm so much worse off...i just don't think people like that can understand what i'm going through.

Have lost 6 pounds this week. See that? That's my oh-so-white-girl, in-yo-face dance. Heh.

i started tracking my calories again on a site called sparkpeople.com - really a great site (and free! frugal frog says fuck yeah!) because it allows you to track what you want. For instance, i'm tracking my calories (and along with that, my fat, protein, and carbohydrate levels) by entering in what food i eat, i'm tracking how much water i drink each day, and i'm tracking the amount of exercise and calories burned each day.

Kind of had an emotional day today, but i'm feeling pretty good - i stopped at the track outside of town and walked twice around it before coming home. It was a beautiful day - windy and cool and sunny.

Fair warning: This post will be completely selfish and whiny, and probably way too emo for a 29-year-old.

*sigh* (ack! See?!)

i got really upset last night when i went to bed. i'd been quiet all day, and when i laid down, i just got overwhelmed. i know why, and i'm dumb. i was supposed to fill my prescription for my happypills on Friday, but the doctor's office was closed, sooo...no happypills for frog.

i started thinking about turning 30 soon...which lead me to wonder if i'm doing the right things with my life...which in turn lead me to complete and utter rage at myself for letting me slide back up to 270...which made me feel absolutely fugly and unlovable...which made me wonder if that's the reason Darrin doesn't feel the need for a committment...

You get the idea. i am an Olympic gold winner of cyclonic thinking.

i decided that i'm going to try (again) to limit my calories per day to 1500, and to do 30 minutes of exercise a day. i need to pick up the smaller habits again, too, like not eating after 7:30 at night. The problem is that during the week, my day is pretty full: i'm up by 4:15 in the morning, out the door between 4:45 and 5:00, and i get home usually between 6:00 and 6:30 and night. It's very difficult to want to do ANYTHING when i get home from work, but i have to change that. Maybe i should try getting up at 3:45. *just cries*

i came home tonight and crawled into bed with Darrin and just bawled. He did say that he was very glad that i came to him and told him what was going on - i know he was worried about me because i couldn't talk much at work.

i won't deny that i've had a big backslide on my whole "creating a better frog" thing. i've gained about 10 pounds back, and i'm really feeling it. i feel like i'm trying so hard, but at the same time...it's obviously not enough, and i wonder if i'm just telling myself that i'm trying so hard, and really not trying at all.

i decided that i really need to find someone (or group of someones) to hold me accountable. i need people who don't know me, have unbiased opinions and don't care if i have a headache or my feet hurt or whateverelsepoorfrogexcuseicomeupwith. Someone who expects...well...obedience, i guess, though i hate to relate this to D/s.

So.

Because of events that transpired today, i am officially actively looking for a new job. The situation is not critical enough that i need to LEAVERIGHTNOW, but i want to see what is available.

Problem is, not much IS available in this area in my field that makes as much as i do. i do a lot - accounts receivable, accounts payable, payroll, HR, Benefits administration - but don't have enough years of experience (almost 2 and a half) to make up for no degree. Plus, to find a job like this that makes what i do an hour? Near to impossible.

Anyone have need of a general office-bitch type person?

From Submissive Journal Prompts:

"Come up with as many words as you can to complete this phrase: I am a ______ slut."

Well, now...how can i resist this?

I am a dirty slut.
I am a nasty slut.
I am a delicious slut.
I am a salacious slut.
I am a stealthy slut.
I am a good slut.
I am a great slut!
I am a(n) absolute slut.
I am a sneaky slut.
I am a needy slut.
I am a fucking slut.
I am a luscious slut.
I am a freaky slut.
I am a lonely slut. =(
I am a(n) invisible slut.
I am a hungry slut.

Slut really is so limiting, though...all of those could be replaced with whore, fuck-meat, possession, fucktoy, cumslut, etc...

Though, i'm fairly certain that if someone just came up to me and called me those names, i'd burst into extremely inappropriate laughter. Unless it was someone who was so dominant that my knees would wobble without a single word. =/ In that case, i would fall over and twitch in puddle of my own cum.

*sigh*

i've been doing alright lately...pretty good, actually. After my last freakout, i've settled down a bit. i'm eating decently, and recently i've even noticed that i'm not eating when i "think" i should, but more when i'm actually hungry - and more importantly, i've been craving healthier foods, like melon and Wheat Thins. *eye roll* Oy, don't even get me started on these kicks i get on - i've decided that i totally overdosed on cashews and cannot even look at one now. i give myself treats, but i still look at labels and pay attention to serving sizes. i've found some good ice cream that is fat-free and only has 90 calories a serving (i think it's Blue Bunny? hell if i know.)

my struggle now is exercise. Bleh, i hate even typing the word. Fuck you, exercise. i've been trying to get on my bike, and i think now that the weather is cooling down some, i'd like to try walking after work.

i've been having some pretty dark urges lately...not really explicit fantasies, really, more like...images, feelings. frog is wanting to be hurt, used, welted, bled, bruised, broken...

You get the idea.