into the becoming

2009-09-05T18:49:00.002-06:00

So, I finally became smart and uploaded a blog to my webspace. Yay me! I'll be writing there from now on...

Frogburrow

2009-09-03T18:09:00.002-06:00

My own rundown of Spankfest isn't as fun as kaya's is, but for a first toe-dip after 4+ years, I was pretty pleased.

No matter I acted like a complete asshat when I finally got to meet her. *ignores*

I bought a chainmail leash because Darrin liked it (and it's shiiiiiiiny), and it was so nice wearing something -heavy- like that again. I've always have a fetish for metal restraints...seriously, if someone slapped tiny little plastic cuffs on me, I'd have the sads. Give me steel that there is no way I will get out of. Ever.

So, I was a whore for the leash most of the weekend. I didn't "dress" up at all - hell, I went to one of the evening events in my pyjamas. But I was rockin the leash, ya'll. Holla.

The biggest thing for me was actually being able to get into a cage. Cages do such wonderful things for me...to me. It's very easy for me to get to a primal, reactive state in a cage, and the only reason I can think of is that I know that I'm in the one place I'm supposed to be in, and there's not too much you can fuck up while you're in a cage. It's comforting, and it makes room in my head for the whore to come out and howl.

So, I broke out the Hello Kitty coloring book and colored to my heart's content. =)

Not really a whore moment, but I think I'm just working my way up. Gotta start somewhere.

I saw a LOT of beautiful people there. I saw a girl that reminded me of my wife, and I saw a girl (I didn't get her name, but she was in the outdoor showers at the same time I was) who had the most amazing body with gorgeous, REAL curves. A few people inspired dirty thoughts in my head, and a few even inspired me enough to share them with Darrin, who was gleefully (can a Moose be gleeful? I dunno. But he was.) enjoying every moment.

I definitely came away with some crushes. =)

2009-08-31T21:04:00.002-06:00

I just sat and looked through the past few entries I made here...and I think what I was feeling as far as my submission goes was a really bad disconnect that Moose and I had going. We got so caught up in life that this stuff seemed to take a back burner, and I was definitely missing it.

Turns out, he was too. Funny how that works.

I think we re-connected this weekend. I was getting so nervous that by Wednesday, I nearly had a complete meltdown. I left work midday and was going to meet Moose at a restaurant for lunch before hitting up Wal-Mart for some last minute supplies.

*hits pause as cat lays on arm*

So I have someone drop me off at the restaurant, instead of dropping me off at my car (where my phone was) so I could drive to the restaurant. It was raining, of course, and due to some horrible miscommunication on my part and the idiocy of not having my phone, I ended up standing outside for an hour waiting for him, while he had fallen asleep in his car waiting for me a block down.

I finally got through to him (the ass-y restaurant people wouldn't let me use their phone) and I just broke down. Since then, I've been so clingy...and then to be camping with him, it just made it moreso. There was a moment this weekend where we went to a little Cocktail event but he had forgotten his badge and I offered to wait while he went back to get it...bad idea. I ended up crying, in front of all those people while I sat in a corner like a little lost dog. He came back to a mess, and was utterly and understandably confused because I couldn't tell him or even try to explain what was going on. From then on, he was careful not to leave me alone...and it made me feel so safe.

I loved where we ended up setting up camp - it was at the top of "Cherry Hill", so it was isolated enough to give us space when we needed time to ourselves, but we could easily walk to where the fun was. It was beautiful up there, and even though it was cold and rained, we still had fun. We had fun getting frustrated over the tent, we had fun when we woke up with a flat tire on my car the morning we were going to leave, we had fun eating hot dogs for breakfast.

I saw a lot of things over the weekend that made me smile, a lot of things that reaffirmed things I want or don't want to try, and I did new things. I peed outside. I took a shower completely naked in the sunshine. I met people I admire, desparately wanting them to like me as some sort of selfish affirmation that even as I am, I'm okay.

Well, I was feeling good up until that last line, which sort of sucked the sails right outta me.

I cried when we left, and we're already planning for next year.

2009-08-30T19:50:00.003-06:00

How many times can I say OMG without being annoying?

Probably not that many...but really. Oh. Em. Gee.

Seriously - greatest vacation EVER. I'll babble more about it later, but I just had to say...it was fucking awesome. Everything about it was awesome.

Except the rain. The rain kinda blew, but it didn't even matter because everything else was OMGAWESOMEWTF!!!!!

AND.

I got to be in a cage.

I got to COLOR. IN A CAGE.

And I peed outside for the first time ever. And I showered outside! Completely naked! In front of people!

*goes to digest memories*

2009-08-24T18:44:00.002-06:00

Sooooo...I'll never admit this in public, but I'm scared.

I used to think nothing of getting naked in front of people. It was easy-peasy-lemonsqueesy to get a beating in front of a crowd, to have people mill about and comment on things...

Gah. Maybe that's why I've been having these weird attacks.

I'm scared that we won't do -anything-. For so long, it's just been us...and we really haven't physically done much for a long time. I've told him it's his choice (obviously), but...it will almost feel like I was at a memorial for my own submission if we didn't do anything.

I'm sure I'll get over it.

I'm scared that...ugh, that I'm ugly. U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no al-i-by, you ugly, hey hey, you ugly...WOO!

2009-08-17T17:35:00.002-06:00

Soooooooo.

I have steadily been collecting all things camping. I even bought Camp Soap, as opposite to Other Soap, because I am awesome.

I really want to get beaten while we're away. I had a dream about having bruises and the ache that went with them, and I woke up hungry for them.

I think this trip will be interesting...I hope Darrin can relax some and have fun. I hope he doesn't get hung up on being perfect, mostly because I know it was me that was causing that for so long. I really just want him to hurt me his way. Like Burger King!

2009-08-06T16:41:00.003-06:00

I've been thinking a lot about motivation lately. Mostly about my lack thereof, especially in the exercising arena.

I think it's because I feel guilty because of what is really motivating me.

Whenever you hear about weight loss stuff, you always hear that you have to want it for yourself - that you have to want to be healthy and be around for your family and blahblahblah. Okay, those reasons are great and all, and I totally support them. But what's really motivating me is the urge for other people to think I'm pretty.

There. I said it.

I want other people to want me. I want Darrin to be proud to show me off. I want to walk along and be admired.

You know what? It's shallow, I know. But this is how the majority of people are wired, and I'm one of them. I want to be pretty! I want to be flirted with and hit on, instead of being the fat "funny" friend.

I want to be seen. And I know that people would only see the outside of me, but that's fine. That's all I freaking WANT them to see. I don't care if they know the real me, I just don't want them to be passing negative judgement on me with a single glance.

2009-08-03T18:16:00.002-06:00

I'm SO EXCITED because Moose and I are going to Spankfest.

Not to mention, I'm totally geeking out over the whole camping thing. OMG. I'm even printing out CAMPFIRE RECIPES because I'm so not cool.

I am so Coleman's bitch right now, and I could just squee.

*squee!*

Personality Test

2009-07-29T19:41:00.000-06:00

ISFJ-The Protector
You scored 9% I to E, 63% N to S, 38% F to T, and 26% J to P!

The protector type is called such because you feel your life is best used to protect those you love from the pitfalls of life, to see to their safety and security. You belong to the larger group called guardians. You find great satisfaction in assisting the downtrodden. You are not talkative with strangers, but you can chat tirelessly with those you trust. You have a good solid work ethic. You are thorough and very likely frugal. You do not like to be in a place of authority, and will delegate poorly if forced into a lead position. You share your type with 10% of the population.
As a romantic partner, you are generous and gentle. Occasionally you may be taken for granted because of this fact. You are tireless in providing acts of service for your loved ones. You run the risk of always being exhausted because you won't say no to your partner. You are sensitive to criticism and will withdraw rather than fight back. You wish to be appreciated for your loyalty and whole hearted nuturing. Your values must be respected and you thrive on consideration and kindness.
Your group summary: Guardians (SJ)
Your Type Summary: ISFJ

2009-07-26T18:20:00.002-06:00

I have to say that at this moment, I am particularly enjoying the entrance (re-entrance?) of a past friend into my life again. It's so...soothing, really - to be able to speak about everything from religion to high school to poly relationships to D/s to mental breakdowns and not have to explain yourself and have such a positve response at the same time.

So yeah - yay you. =)

2009-07-25T15:31:00.002-06:00

I love me some Facebook. I love that I can interact (or not) with people, and I can play games and chat and take quizzes all on the same browser. I like seeing what people that I spent the formative years of my life are doing, especially when their lives are so different than mine.

However...when people find me, I cringe. I'm ashamed of the way I look, and I don't want people...even people not on Facebook, people out in the world in general, to look at me and think...bad things. I want people to look at me and have a positive reaction - not just OMGshe'shot, but...wow, she looks nice, or gee, she's aged well, or maybe just a hmm, that looks like a nice person.

People see one thing when they look at me, and I don't want them to see it.

Okay, frog - so make it go away! Stop complaining about it and get off the pot.

2009-07-23T17:53:00.003-06:00

Last night, just before I fell asleep, I was watching a show on TLC about women who don't know that they are pregnant. (Allow me to return to this particular topic in a moment) Anyway...they don't show symptoms, they don't get the belly, they just...I don't know, sneeze and a baby pops out one day.

So of course, I dream about this.

I'm in some sort of medical facility, and they aren't really talking to me, but are just kind of doing maternity ward type things - putting in a weird chair-like thing, specifically, which in my dream was utterly normal. O.o I'm wearing a hospital gown, and somehow I know I'm in a horrendous amount of pain but I don't really feel it. And I know I should be freaking out about having a baby without realizing I was pregnant, but I'm kind of...not, in a weird, kind of druggy-zen way.

And then, the moment comes...and I give birth to a puppy.

Not just any puppy. This puppy springs forth from my womb completely goo-free AND with a snappy little haircut, because this puppy is a little schnauzer puppy.

And then, in my dream it's the day after I've given birth to my puppybaby, and I give birth to ANOTHER puppy - this one looking more like a rottweiler with the black and brown markings, but with longer fur.

I almost wrote that it was the weirdest dream ever, but I'm pretty sure the beavers with feathers dream rocks that particular honor.

Beyond that....

I have a lot of stuff going on in my head. A lot of stuff that, even if people cared to ask (which they don't), I'm not sure I would share. It's funny sometimes how I will have a free moment here or there and these thoughts will pop into my head, and I'll still be doing my normal things...balancing payroll, listening to complaint after complaint, cleaning the house, joking with people at work.

I guess if they only knew and some stuff.

A guy a work pulled my hair today. Not like a little tug, either...he grabbed a fistful and pulled. Now, please remember that my workplace is a little different than most. We were actually fighting over the copier, and I had just socked him in the shoulder when he grabbed my hair. It was all in fun, we were laughing the whole time and afterwards, but...it made something deep inside me cry.

Chloe wrote something recently about some women able to achieve this state of submission by virtue of culture. How it seems an inate state of mind, something that doesn't need supported by anything else, i.e. someone else's dominance.

There is no one on this planet who knows how submissive I am. There is no one who could even guess at the depths of my thoughts, no one who can see me the way I truly feel. Sometimes I feel like the women Chloe was talking about, but...instead of being proud, it makes me sad. Lonely.

As much as I'd like for it to be, I really don't think there's anyone who could accurately describe the real me.

2009-06-02T16:50:00.002-06:00

Last night, I was watching tv and I saw a commercial for Laughing Cow cheese. Now, I love me some Laughing Cow cheese, but what struck me about the commercial was that they showed a snack plate with apples, grapes and crackers with the cheese on it...and it looked really good. Like, I started craving the apples and grapes and cheese & crackers.

This has a point.

This morning, I woke up as normal and started getting ready. I got on the scale and....280. Now...that was the magical number that I secretly told myself "at least I'm not at that number". Even yesterday, when it read 279, I told myself that. But now...I AM that number. And it's not going to go anywhere but up unless I DO something.

I admit - this morning I was tempted to panic. When I saw that number flash up at me, my knees wobbled. I quickly clamped it all back and got ready in a sort of daze. My thoughts were going a mile a minute - if I could do this, this and this then I wouldn't be that number anymore. But of course, they were things that haven't worked before and that I know aren't safe.

I remembered the log book that my friend gave me. I remembered the running plan that I've been wanting to start. And I remembered Sparkpeople, to help me track things.

My goal is to loose 40 pounds by January 1st. That equals to 1.5 pounds per week, which I believe is a safe and steady rate. I've entered in my stats at Sparkpeople, which says that I should be eating around 2000 calories a day - as long as I make sure that I'm not eating 2000 calories of pasta a day, I think that is a doable goal. I have to start exercising - so tomorrow I'll be doing the bike in the morning for 30 minutes (or some time during the day) until Monday, when I WILL start the running program.

I always read about people having this big flash-of-light, OMGmoment where they somehow find the strength to start doing whatever they need to do. I don't feel strong...but I feel cornered. And maybe feeling cornered is what I need to fight back. Maybe I'm finally ready, and that moment I had with the Laughing Cow commercial was my body telling me that it's okay, that this is what it wants.

I have to stop thinking about it, and start doing it.

--------------------------------

I wrote the above this morning. I did well during the day, but binged at supper time. Somehow, I stayed within my calorie limit, so at least there is that.

I feel...good, which is surprising. I think I'm expecting to feel bad, like I'm already anticipating the failure. And I can definitely taste fear in the back of my throat...but I'm trying not to think. No think, just do. I have to channel my inner-Yoda.

There is no try, only do.

2009-06-01T16:05:00.005-06:00

I wanted to add a few pictures from our day down by the river (without a van). We were talking, and all of a sudden we both looked up to see a parade of geese floating by.

We watched for awhile as they floated by, swimming towards a small sandy area.

It was neat, because we realized that all the adults were situating themselves very protectively around the 15-20 babies. There was one up on the ground, standing between the babies and everything else, and the others were in the water in a perimeter.

2009-06-01T16:01:00.001-06:00

Sometimes, even when you've had a horrible day and it's not looking any better for the next week, all you need is a little guardbunny greeting you when you pull in the driveway to make everything alright.

2009-05-31T07:32:00.002-06:00

It's 8:32am on Sunday. Clothes are in the laundry, the house is clean, I had pop-tarts for breakfast and I went to sleep exactly 12 hours ago.

I heart Sundays, except for the fact that they have to end. And I'm really not looking forward to the next few weeks.

I do not respond well to upheaval, and my life at work has been all sorts of upheaved. I have to remember that this is a good time for me to practice my courtesy and patience skills, because normally...I has none.

Yesterday was a really good day. Darrin helped me clean up the house, and then we went into the Cities to do half of our anniversary celebratin - we picked up some Checkers and went down to the River Walk where we spent the first night we met together. (aw) We found the same picnic table where we sat seven years ago and talked until the sun came up. We didn't stay that long this time - but it was good. Then we came home and had the most awesomest sex I've had in a long time. Gah. Hence the going to bed at 8:30. *L*

Why Owls are skery

2009-05-19T16:33:00.003-06:00

Owls freak me right the hell out. There is something about them that just...gah. I give proof:

This was posted on CuteOverload.com, and I'm sorry...there just ain't nothin cute about that damn thing.

Owls are the one animal that make me want to cower on my knees, begging for my life. I remember one day when I lived with my parents, my dad brought out the binoculars so I could see an owl sitting in a neighbor's tree. I brought the binoculars up, and focused on the owl, and nearly dropped the damn things because I had the most powerful sensation of...needing to show some sort of submission to it. Make it understand that I wasn't a threat or something.

This completely random post is brought to you by the fact that I did something really huge today and I'm pretty much braindead beyond that.

2009-05-18T18:57:00.003-06:00

Why is it that I can't get away from stupid on Monday mornings? Why is it, when I am trying to get these freakin people PAID on Monday mornings, that I am suddenly overwhelmed with stupid questions?

It never freakin fails. Never. I can count on getting at LEAST 3 stupid questions while I'm up to my ass in payroll - questions about attendance points (when everyone KNOWS that their general foremen can look that up just the same as me), and random benefits questions ("What would I have to tell them so that I could get my girlfriend on my insurance?") and whatever freaking else happens to pop in their tiny little brains that convinces them it's SO IMPORTANT that they have to interupt me while I'm trying to GET THEM MONEY because they can't wait OMGWTF and if I try to ignore them they STAND THERE and STARE AT ME.

Seriously, why is writing in caps so theraputic? hee.

CAPS LOCK IS TEH AWESOMES.

Moving on.

I gave this blog to someone I know. It was surprisingly nerve-wracking for me, waiting until I heard from this person to make sure they still liked me. How silly is that? I was worried that the things in my life would freak them out - but I actually got a compliment instead of a freakout. So, yay for you.

I talked with fish today about something that was a little...I'm not sure of what word to use yet. She told me that she was watching TLC this weekend, and they played the "Half-Ton Mom/Dad/Teen" series - basically shows about people who are morbidly obese. She mentioned that the shows made her mad, because she figured that once people got to a certain point, they should have done something about the weight. I told her that I wasn't allowed to watch those shows (edict from Moose) because I too often see myself in them.

I see the fear in those people, the same fear that I have, and that I'm starting to realize how much I have. I have had fleeting glimpses of that fear, so I can imagine what living an entire life based on it would be like, and so I can too easily put my face on those bodies and just....freak right the fuck out. It's my greatest fear, becoming like that, and yet, that fear only paralyzes me in a state that only exacerbates that same fear. I'm afraid because I'm fat, and I'm fat because I'm afraid.

I haven't found a fear...or a want...that is stronger than the fear I already have, so instead of being motivated, I just...am.

2009-05-15T21:19:00.002-06:00

I was tagged by Chloe!

Rules:
1. Link to your original tagger and list these rules in your post
2. Share 7 facts about yourself in the post
3. Tag 7 people at the end of your post, leave their names & links to their blogs
4. Let them know they’ve been tagged

Okiedokie. Except I'm not sure that I know 7 seven people to tag.

1. Although I don't subscribe to any organized religion, I get giddy over what I call "science of Jesus" stuff. Books and tv shows about factual biblical things just make me happy, I have no idea why. Best TV Show ever? Mysteries of the Bible. Holla.

2. Instead of a headboard, we have pillows that sit against the wall and the pillows we sleep on. Sometimes, one of my cats will sleep on that pillow right above my head. She has the magical (and most likely entirely in my head) ability to make headaches go away by putting her paw on my forehead while she's laying up there.

3. I am 31 years old, and I sleep with a stuffed frog.

4. My sister (the Goon) is the funniest person I know. Together, we have created the car-ride-Muppet-dance, the Asshole dance (which has a complete backstory about flinging assholes over one's shoulder after cutting them out at a slaughterhouse), PimpdaddySnuggles, and the Evil Easter Bunny.

5. In order to get to the point where I had a BA in computer network administration, I went through 7 years, 4 colleges (University of Northern Iowa, University of Iowa, Marycrest International University, and St. Ambrose University), and 4 majors (history, anthropology, graphic communications, and cna).

6. Sometimes, there is nothing in this world that I hate more than myself.

7. My favorite memories of college involve a dance troupe I was in. It was a folk dance troupe that did traditional dances from all over the world. I could sing in Romanian, did dances from Greece, Hungary, Egypt, waltzes and polkas and even a line dance or two. I miss that very much.

I don't know seven people to tag...but I'll tag fish.

2009-05-14T17:40:00.002-06:00

Sometimes, I can't even come up with a word that describes some of the asshats I work with.

Asshat seems to work fine for now.

Today was payday. Today, we also had 50 pizzas delivered for lunch. Imagine 127 hungry asshat boys, and 1 female office manager. Guess who got to do all the work?

Hi.

I don't mind about the work - I really don't. I don't mind that I had to pick up 50 pizzas and bring them into the plant and set up the room.

We hand out checks during lunch. Of course, I was running around like a crazy person during and after lunch, so I didn't get back to my desk until about 1:30. My boys delight in tattling on each other, so in a very short amount of time, I hear about a particular one of my boys who was whining in another office about his hours.

He was short his normal hours because he'd gone to an orientation class, and was only paid for the time the class lasted. He apparently told everyone in hearing range that if he'd have known that, he would have sat his happy ass in that office for an extra 45 minutes so he could get a full days pay.

Which wouldn't have worked anyway. But moving on.

Why is this boy an asshat?

Because this is what he does. If he has a complaint against me (which he's always WRONG ABOUT), he never comes to ME about it. I hear his bitching from other employees who gleefully come in and give me all the details. To my face, he never has the balls to confront me.

So I confronted him about it today. See, I'd known this would happen when this boy saw his check, I even warned his supervisor about it yesterday. Because he's an ASSHAT. *ahem*

So I waited until he came into the office, and I cheerfully asked if he had anything he wanted to discuss with me. He said no.

Sometimes...there just aren't words.

2009-05-10T17:57:00.002-06:00

Sometimes I open up a page to write, because I can feel words bubbling to the surface...but the bubbles never pop. Or...they do, but they burn like boiling water, and I snatch my hand away and scowl at the page.

I'm not sure which it is right now. I feel like I have so much to say, but...maybe there's just too much, and like a crowded elevator, everyone's trying to get off at once and it creates a bottleneck.

I have a lot of fear in me about a lot of different subjects, I think. I've always had to tiptoe around fear and sort of approach it in smaller and smaller circles. Maybe I just haven't reached the smallest circle yet.

2009-05-05T15:37:00.000-06:00

Something my girl wrote for me

2009-04-26T17:59:00.002-06:00

I'm trying to convince myself that I should start a running program.

Because I rely heavily on logic, I shall indulge this quirk o' mine and list out the facts.

1. I am currently at least 95 pounds overweight. I have been hovering around 275, and my goal weight is 180. I realize that for my height (5'9"), the ideal weight is more between 130 and 160 - however, I've always thought that I would look sickly at that weight.

2. I have done the work regarding my eating habits. Well, mostly. There are still a lot of issues that I continually work on, but at the very least I have acknowledged them and have a chat with them now and then. I eat much better now than I have, without starving myself. I believe that on a normal day, I probably eat around 2200 calories.

3. I have issues with exercising. My issue is manifested in laziness and excuses. I continually attempt to create a habit of working out, but I am never able to follow through for more than a few weeks.

4. I am terrified of what is beneath my fat. This is not a logical fact in any way, shape, or form, and that adds to my terror. I believe that part of my issue with exercising is not only being afraid of failing once again, but also being afraid of actually DOING it. I am afraid that beneath the layers of...ick...that there's nothing under there. There's nothing in me except the fat.

5. I am the only one who can change this.

I bought running clothes. I have sports bras and a stopwatch, and have downloaded a beginner's runnning program.

But somehow...I just can't step out the door.

Why this bisexual blogger supports Miss California

2009-04-21T16:58:00.000-06:00

My blog isn't read often, so this probably won't get seen much...but I had to voice my opinion about this whole Miss California / Perez Hilton thing. After all...I'm entitled to my opinion, aren't I?

Personally, I don't consider myself bisexual. I live with my boyfriend of nearly 7 years. I just happen to also have a woman in my life that I fell in love with. I'm not normally attracted to women enough to consider myself bisexual, but maybe just the fact that I love a woman makes me one. Who knows - it's all semantics to me. I have always been a supporter of gay rights, and I do support gay marriage.

I support gay marriage for the simple legalities. I believe that "marriage" has become a catch-all phrase for a ceremony that includes not only religious meaning, but legal meaning. I believe that those two things should never be combined. I believe that the "lawmakers" (whomever they might have been forever-ago) shouldn't have used the religious marriage ceremony as a basis for legal rights - however, I also understand that they probably didn't have much else to go on, and that religious diversity was not an issue at that point in time as it is now. I believe that the religious meaning of marriage should be defined by religions, and that the legal state of marriage should be defined by the law (at either state or federal level).

Religion is, and always has been, a deeply personal experience. For the record, I also do not affiliate myself with any organized religion, though I do consider myself to be personally spiritual. However, I would never have the arrogance to tell someone what they should believe in, just as I expect no one to tell me what I should believe in. As long as those religious beliefs do not hurt anyone (physically, not emotionally), then I believe that people should be able to believe what they wish.

I didn't watch the telecast of the Miss USA contest. I have read transcripts of the question posed by Perez Hilton and the answer given by Miss California on various news websites, including MSNBC, FOXnews, and ABC.

I have to wonder...did Perez know that his question would be answered by Miss California?

I have no problem with the question itself - I question the appropriateness of it simply because of it's ties to religious beliefs. What if Perez had asked if she supported terrorist movements against the US, and she happened to be a member of the Taliban? (I know, I know...so many things wrong with that picture, but go with the analogy)

Basically...no matter how she answered, she was going to be booed by someone.

On top of that, Perez had to go and call her out on his website (which I completely admit to visiting on more than one occasion), calling her names. Let's see...who came out looking like a better person there? Sorry Perez...I'm personally boycotting your site now. The hate that came out of your mouth after being given an honest answer to a question of opinion was nothing better than the hatred against gays. Hatred is hatred...it doesn't know sexual orientation, skin color, or religious beliefs.

So, why do I support her? Because she was honest. She gave an honest, opinionated answer to a question about her opinion.

Do I agree with her? Of course not. But you bet your ass I support her opinion.

2009-04-18T14:56:00.002-06:00

For a long time, Moose and I struggled with our D/s relationship. What we finally realized was that we needed to concentrate on aspects of our "base" relationship so that the D/s part could be possible. We both had issues with past relationships that we needed to resolve.

We forgot about the D/s stuff for awhile...we came close to breaking up (which was totally and admittedly my fault)...and then it turned around, and we've been better than ever. Except for all the stuff I blew up about a few posts back.

And I've been struggling with that, with the thought process of a woman versus the thought process of a slave. The slave in me wonders why I'm not happy. The slave in me boggles at my need to be recognized by him. Why is all of this so important to me? Why can't I just let it go? The woman in me wonders why the slave even asks those questions. I feel like...inside my head, the woman and the slave are staring at each other in the uncomfortable silence of two people who speak different languages.

It would have been easier when I could separate being a woman and a slave. Now that the two are so joined for me, I'm struggling.

2009-04-18T14:48:00.002-06:00

"Woman" - Delta Goodrem

I worked late but you don't wait up
My bones ache and I'm cleaning the place up
Sometimes i don't even know I care

I sit down take off my make-up
I lay down but you don't wake up
Sometimes I wonder if you know I'm there

I can't remember the last time you
Told me I'm beautiful, and I can't remember
Last time you said anything at all

I'm a woman
A woman with a heart
And I deserve your all
I'm not some girl who don't know what she wants
I'm a woman
And I need to be touched
And I need to be loved
'cause being just your woman is not enough

Now i hope that you don't wake up
When it's too late to make up
You'll be the one that's alone and that's sad

In time you'll find somebody
The truth is she'll never be me
And that's when you're going to miss what we had

When all I really needed to hear was "you're beautiful"
All I really needed to hear was anything at all

I'm a woman
A woman with a heart
And I deserve your all
I'm not some girl who don't know what she wants
I'm a woman
And I need to be touched
And I need to be loved
'cause being just your woman is not enough

I'm not your friend who only needs you sometimes
And if I'm your lady
You got to treat me like...

I'm a woman
A woman with a heart
And I deserve your all
I'm not some girl who don't know what she wants
I'm a woman
And I need to be touched
And I need to be loved
'cause being just your woman is not enough
-------------------------------------------
Just something that I can relate to lately.

2009-04-11T08:17:00.002-06:00

I made it. I got up all five days and did my biking.

That said (with all due celebratory boob-shaking and whatnot), yesterday was a...strange, upsetting day.

While driving into work, I started thinking about things (stop looking surprised), and I got a little down. Not hugely down, just kind of...pensive. While I was at work (the whole three hours I was there), I was in a good mood. Laughing, joking, etc. Happy frog.

Then...I went to the Devil's Playground. A.K.A. - Wal-mart.

I have had a theory about this particular Wal-Mart for awhile. It goes something like this:

This particular Wal-Mart is possessed by something ancient and evil that simply fills everyone with either stupidity or rage the moment those automatic doors whoosh behind them.

Normally I can let these things slide. But yesterday...yesterday, while pushing my grocery cart of noms and clutching my pink paper of grocey-listness, I fell thoroughly into the rage-filled category. I was raging at this stupid mom with three stupid kids who looked at me waiting for her to get out of my way and didn't move. Three different times. I was seething at the two old women who had to fill up the paper bags for frozen items IN THE MIDDLE OF THE AISLE, and then have the guts to look up at me and laugh.

But it was more than that.

I was raging at everything...god, by the time I got home, I could have easily done something criminal and gleefully giggled about it. I don't ever remember being so pissed off...I was angry about work, about Wal-Mart, about the asshole driving so slow in front of me, about my situation with Moose...it just caught me off-guard, the intensity of it.

I came home and basically told Moose that he should stay the hell away from me until I woke up from a nap, because I was liable to say things I shouldn't. Or maybe I should. I don't know.

We've been talking about his reluctance to marry. We've gotten to the point that he has realized that breaking a promise that he made to himself when he was five is more important than the life he has now.

Moose is...very self-focused. Things are important only if they affect him. When a choice must be made, logic fails against which item is -his-. Take, for instance, the garage situation. There's a two car garage. He has 4 vehicles. One has taken up permanent residency in the yard with a recliner rotting in the back. (Don't even TELL me how hick this is. I know.) One is parked outside and is used on an infrequent basis, but still used. One is his baby, a 79 Trans Am that is taking up one of the spots in the garage with much understanding. The other is a car a few years old that he bought about a year ago go that he wouldn't have to spend a fortune on gas and is used daily. This car is parked in the garage as well.

I have a 2007 Honda Fit. I bought it new. I have parked it in the garage twice. It bothers me that he thinks his cars are more important than my newer and more expensive car. It bothers me that he wants me to feel like a part of his life, but he can't give up a freaking space in his garage after seven years of being together. It bothers me that this winter, when I asked him to please move my car into the garage when he left for work, he did it once. One time.

Yeah, it might sound petty. But things like this happen all the time. I do the picking-up on a daily basis around the house. When I don't, he gets all frustrated and decides that the house must be cleaned RIGHTNOWOMG, getting into one of his whirlwinds where he wears himself out and gets even more frustrated in the process.

I do things because if I don't, they won't get done.

And more and more, I'm wondering why in the hell I'm doing it.

He has an idea of himself. He wants to be this coolguyrockstar, the one who his friends wish they could be. What he doesn't realize is that he already has given that up. Or maybe he does realize it, and regrets it. The thing is, this coolguyrockstar made a promise that he'd never get married. And he is clinging to that like a dying man...thinking that will "save" him, from whatever. From life, maybe.

It's not just about getting married anymore. It's about my future with him.

So, he needs to make a decision. He needs to choose between coolguyrockstar...and reality. One will have me around....the other won't.

2009-04-08T17:47:00.002-06:00

So far, I've gotten up all three days to bike in the morning. Yay me!

Oddly enough...I've been inspired to start running as well.

No, wait. Don't get excited and supportive yet, until I explain my reasoning.

See, a friend a work is training to run a marathon that is actually this weekend. She's been talking about it a lot, and a group of us went out for lunch on Tuesday and we were all asking questions. She mentioned that one day she ran 21 miles (OMGWTF?!), and that the one time that she ran 16 miles on a treadmill it told her that she burned something like 2800 calories.

The frog's ears (I know they don't have any, go with it) perked up. 2800 calories? Well, shit. I could eat whatever the fuck I wanted, whenever the fuck I wanted. I just gotta run 16 miles.

*stare*

Moving on.

It's been KA-razay busy at work lately...I got moved over to a new payroll system that truthfully is only like, half done and so I had to create a whole crapload of reports that I needed for billing and such. Much crapness. Though, I rediscovered my love for pivot tables. I heart me some pivot tables. So, what with creating all this stuff, working through bugs, and having to adjust my routine (which if you know me at all is CATASTROPHIC), I've been pretty tired by the time I get home.

I'm also fairly certain I have more gallstones.

AND.

I came out to my mom on Saturday about my "lifestyle choice" - meaning, I told her about my wife. I even told her about the committment ceremony we had. She took it well...I mean, as well as I could have expected. She wasn't all fangirl about it...but she wasn't horrified either. We were having a big discussion in the car about how I think she is/was an awesome parent (she's going through some stuff that's making her a little uncertain), and it just sorta....came out. heh. I always thought that if I ever did tell her, that she'd still love me and all of that...and she does, she said so...said she just wants me to be happy and all of that. But I tell you what, doing that left me pretty much brainless until Monday. I came home on Saturday and Moose pretty much told me that I had the same look in my eyes that I used to get after a particularly heavy beating - i.e. I was "somewhere else." It completely drained me...even though it wasn't a negative experience in the slightest. I still worry about what she thinks of it all...but I probably will for awhile no matter what is said, because I'm lame like that.

2009-03-26T17:16:00.002-06:00

Wow.

So....what a week. I think that officially my brain has permanently decayed to a state of goo. New payroll systems, conference calls, limited time, uncertainty about the state of affairs at work and general OMGWTF-ness has left me a blabbering fool.

I've been doing alright with my goals...I did get up early two days to bike, and that's more than what I did last week, so I'm trying to remember that. If I think about how I ONLY got up two days to bike, then I get in spiral-fail-mode...so...

Yay me!! Yay me for getting up two days!!

2009-03-24T19:52:00.002-06:00

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each days a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned
Leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
If tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have
If today was your last day

Going against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts cause there's no second try
So live it like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your whole life

If today was your last day
If tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have
And would you call old friends you never see
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies
And would you find that one your dreaming of
Swear up and down to god above
That you'll finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark
On ending a broken heart
You know it's never too late
To shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
Cause you can't rewind
A moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
Cause the hands of time
Are never on your side

If today was your last day
If tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have
And would you call old friends you never see
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies
And would you find that one your dreaming of
Swear up and down to god above
That you'll finally fall in love
If today was your last day

-If Today Was Your Last Day, Nickelback

2009-03-19T19:17:00.002-06:00

Everytime that fog lifts, I am grateful. I remember when I never thought I would see it go away, when I thought that it would forever be a part of me...so when it does recede, I am that much more happy.

Do I have a lot of work to do? Oh yes. Am I ready for it? I'm not sure. But, I'm not overwhelmed by it at the moment...so I'm happy with that fact alone.

Someone gave me a compliment the other day...one I've never considered for myself. They said: "...ready to be in the world as someone not looking for anything, but happy in yourself that you dont -need- someone else. I think its the biggest triumph youve ever made. or any woman has ever made that Ive had the privelidge of watching."

We were talking about how my slavery has changed from an external process into an internal one, and how I no longer feel like someone else...has to bring my slavery out. It simply is there, inside me, all the time, and while others can influence how much shows...they cannot influence the fact that it exists.

I wish that I could project that contentment into other areas of myself.

2009-03-19T14:23:00.000-06:00

274.

I found myself torn between two states of mind today. The first was familiar - I wanted to figure out just how I had let myself get back up to 274. I wanted to linger and marinate in the past, going over every minute detail and punishing myself for every bad decision, every morsel of food that I didn't need. The second was newer to me, and I'm sort of eyeballing it with a wary caution. I felt ready to move on - to take that factual information of 274 and implement it into a new direction.

Weird. But hey...I've got nothing to loose in trying a new direction. Except about 100 pounds.

So on the way to work today, I started thinking about things I wanted to start doing. I want to start writing in my blog more. I want to start exercising more. Okay, check. What about things I'm doing now that I want to continue doing? I want to continue taking care of the house like we have in the past couple of weeks. I want to keep making dinner at night and eating at the table, instead of in the living room. I want to keep being mindful of the food I am eating, and I want to keep trying to eat more vegetables. I want to continue bringing healthy (interesting that I originally typed in "good" and then backspaced...) food into work with me. Alright - I'm already doing these things, so I should be able to keep them up.

When I got up this morning, I set my alarm so that I could wake up in time to get on the bike for 30 minutes in the morning. I can watch the news while I do it so that it goes by faster, and plan out what I want to wear that day, too. I'm really trying to not jinx myself by thinking that it'll be too hard, or that I won't do it. If I can, then I will have my 30 minutes of exercise in each day before I get home from work, and if I feel I have enough energy to do more, I can before or after dinner. Plus, I remember that when I was exercising in the morning before, I was feeling more energized in the morning - which can't hurt.

I just looked on WedMD, and their BMI Calculator doohickey says that I should be weighing somewhere between 125 and 169 to be healthy. Hrm. I actually think that's a little low for me...I still would like to hit somewhere between 190 and 200 and see where that leaves me. It also says that my caloric intake for each day should be around 1900. I know I can do it...hell, I was restricting myself to 500 calories a day at one point. I know that I usually eat around 700 calories during the day at work, so that leaves plenty for a good dinner. I don't really think I need to concentrate much on my eating habits - I think I've done enough work on that over this past year that I feel comfortable where I am right now, I might just need to watch myself more at dinner time.

Right now though...I can feel the creeping darkness start in around the edges of my vision. Nice image, eh? That's what it feels like...like my peripheral vision is clouded, and it's steadily affecting how I see things. I feel ugly, and upset, and a whole bunch of other undesirable u-words. It's probably just due to getting my period soon, but in the moment...sometimes it still feels like it can stay forever. I need to stay busy, at least until I get home.

Relationship meme

2009-02-19T18:22:00.002-06:00

1. Who eats more?

Me. OMG me. Me, the out-of-control over-eater.

2. Who said “I love you” first?

I think he did. I don't remember, but I remember being pretty sure early on.

3. Who is the morning person?

I'm a morning person Monday through Thursday. After Thursday, my switch gets flipped. And normally he works third shift, soooo...

4. Who sings better?

I don't know that I've ever really -heard- him sing. He does moose-calls pretty good, though.

5. Who’s older?

Him, by almost 6 years. (HA!)

6. Who’s smarter?

He says he's not smart, but he is. He's extremely mechanically inclined, and can figure pretty much anything out. He's taught himself all about computers, can fix cars, broken water pipes, and my bad days.

7. Who’s temper is worse?

We both have issues with bottling things up until we explode, but we've been working on our communication skills the last few years, and have made some good changes. I don't know about which is worse, but my outbursts tend to be violent and short, while he tends to carry grudges.

8. Who does the laundry?

Normally I do, but he's been helping since he cleaned the basement.

9. Who does the dishes?

Again...normally I do, but he's been helping because he was laid off for a couple of weeks.

10. Who sleeps on the right side of the bed?

As you look at the bed, the right side is mine. M.I.N.E. The left side is stinkyboyland.

11. Who’s feet are bigger?

His, although I think we're pretty close.

12. Who’s hair is longer?

Mine used to be, but he just might have me trumped now that I got my hair cut to my shoulders.....

13. Who’s better with the computer?

I was, but he is catching up and has probably passed me in a few areas.

14. Do you have pets?

Two black cats - Lana and Lia.

15. Who pays the bills?

We don't share money at all - so we each pay our own bills. As far as household bills goes, he pays the house payment and gas/electric, and I pay for water and amenities.

16. Who cooks dinner?

We both do, depending on what we're hungry for. If we're having pasta or tacos, he cooks.

17. Who drives when you are together?

Usually he does - only because I can't freaking stand the fidgiting he does when he's a passenger.

18. Who pays when you go out to dinner?

We take turns, usually.

19. Who’s the most stubborn?

He is. OMG he is. But he won't admit it. Ever.

20. Who is the first one to admit when they’re wrong?

Me. I sometimes admit to being wrong when I'm not wrong.

21. Who’s family do you see more?

I think we see them about the same...his live about 10 minutes away, and mine are only about 45 minutes away.

22. Who named your pet?

I did - the cats actually have Russian names that we shortened. Svetlana Schmoo and Feodalia Foo.

23. Who kissed who first?

He kissed me first. Watching the sun rise after we met for the first time and stayed up all night at a park by the river...

24. Who asked who out?

I think I suggested actually meeting somewhere...

26. Who’s more sensitive?

Oo. I'm not sure. He can be pretty sensitive - he's revealed some things to me that have surprised me. But of course, he never says anything about it....

27. Who’s taller?

He is, by a few inches.

28. Who has more friends?

Him. He has way more friends than I do...He's quite a social moose.

29. Who has more siblings?

He has two brothers, I have one sister. We're both the oldest, though.

2009-01-02T23:39:00.002-06:00

i feel like i've learned a lot this year...but when i try to think of things to actually record and document them, i go blank. =(

i did learn that digestive issues suck ass, and not in a good way.

i did learn that i have major body image issues. Well, i guess that's kind of a duh statement, but i *did* accept that i have major body image issues.

i did learn that i am entirely too lazy.

i did learn that one can become a Star Wars geek through osmosis.

i learned a lot about my slavery - what it means to me, and what it shouldn't mean to other people.

i learned about being grateful for having the family i have.

i learned that i love my silly little cats.

i learned that i need to spend my energy on the things that matter, and stop wasting it on things that don't.

Well...some of these are things i already knew, but have re-learned. Like how much i love Darrin and Melly, and how much of a boring nerd i am. But yeah...lots of volume, little words.

2008-11-17T13:31:00.002-06:00

Well. The frog has been remiss.

Most importantly, last Tuesday i had surgery to remove my gall bladder. OMGWTF. i did NOT know that three little cuts could hurt so fucking much. i've always been a bit sensitive to anesthesia, so after i finally got into surgery at around 1pm, i didn't actually get out the hospital until about 9pm because i kept throwing up - which, i'm sure you can imagine, just made everything feel so much better.

O.o

Side note: i wasn't aware that the gall bladder was intimately tied to things such as a vomiting, coughing and sneezing. Doing any of these things literally makes me cry like a little bitch.

i haven't been getting a whole lot of sleep because i can't really be in one position for a long time, though last night was better. i just now found out that cheddar cheese is apparently something i can no longer eat, because after i had some this morning, it tried it's very best to claw itself out of my body ASAP. OMG, so much pain. It radiated from the painful hole where my GB used to be all the way into my sternum. i even had pain medication IN me, so i can't imagine what it would have been like without it.

i haven't really noticed much of a difference from my symptoms before, but that's probably because the pain has been taking up most of my concentration - though i have noticed that except for today's cheese debaucle, i haven't really been nauseated. i just can't eat very much at one time - i'm getting full very quickly.

i haven't returned to work yet - i go back to the doctor tomorrow so he can give me the go ahead.

tammy - thanks for the note, i'm hoping mine works out too.

2008-10-19T17:40:00.002-06:00

i went with Darrin today to vacuum and wash his car. We stopped at the grocery store on the way back, and as we were leaving i noticed that there were what i call "corn flakes" in the air - basically it's bits of corn leaves from the grain elevator a few blocks over. They were covering his newly washed car, and we were making jokes about it. Then i said, "Well, at least your car gets to sit in the garage!"

i sincerely meant it as a joke, but Darrin immediately got defensive about it. The subject has come up before - even though my car is newer and was more expensive, my car is the one that sits outside all year long, while Darrin's Trans Am and his car take up the double car garage.

i got irritated. Yeah, i got freaking irritated. i know that i'm supposed to be a slave and all, but dammit - he keeps spouting off these reasons why i should feel dumb for not feeling settled and for wanting to be married. How if he didn't really want me in the house he would have kicked me out years ago, blahblahblah. Fine. But when shit like this is thrown in my face, when he tells me that he considers me an EQUAL but so obviously gives less than a shit about MY things and makes me consider HIS things first - somewhere there's a communication break-down.

So right now? i AM feeling like a slave. i'm feeling like a taken-for-granted, forgotten-in-the-corner, convenient-when-needed slave. i feel like i trade room and board for buying groceries every week, paying the water bill, cable bill, internet bill and phone bills, cleaning the house (because OMG if he has to), doing his fucking laundry, and providing a pussy when he wants to fuck.

2008-08-28T16:15:00.002-06:00

This week has been quite the eye-opener for me.

For a long time, i felt like a big hypocrite. i said i was submissive, but i wasn't really...anyway, i don't want to dwell on that. i've done quite enough of that.

So, anyway. A few weeks ago, Darrin and i had a big discussion about the state of our D/s lives. i had been feeling more and more submissive towards him - not actively, but more like i was finally relaxing into my natural state. Which is weird after 6 years, right? Whatever. While we were having said big talk, he finally told me some things about how he'd felt over the years and it totally made sense to me.

Basically, i was an ass.

Moving on.

Near the end of the talk, i told Darrin that i felt like i was ready to take that step again, to be more actively submissive. He hesitated. He said that because of everything that had happened, he was a little leery of just stepping forward. i completely agreed, and felt entirely comfortable both deciding and telling him that it was completely up to him.

You see...my whole problem in the past was that...well, was because i was thinking like a submissive. i was doing things like...well, for instance, one time he gave me orders for things to do after work, and i didn't understand them. Because i didn't understand them, i didn't do them, and it led to a fight. You see? Our D/s life was all about me...and that's changed.

i know, i know. i can sit here all damn day and say that it's changed - but does anyone believe me? Hell, i don't care. i believe me. i feel different. This past week, he gave me pretty much the same orders for things to do after work...and this time, i did them without question. i understand better about the reasons why he wanted these things, so that definitely helps. Fish asked me what i got as a reward if i did these things all week....and i was seriously at a loss for words. i never even thought about a reward...it was just, he said - i did. And i was HAPPY doing it. i still don't feel like i need a reward...i even called him today to ask for permission to change things around a bit. i think that i could hear a smile in his voice when i asked...i hope so anyway.

2008-08-18T19:08:00.002-06:00

From Submissive Journal Prompts:

“Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” -Walter Anderson

*stare*

i'm trying to write more, so i figured journal prompts are a good way to go.

Fat chance, fatso.

So...i agree with the quote above. Lives improve only when chances are taken, no matter what form those chances are. There is another quote that i like that says something about how in order for things to move forward, something must die. It sounds harsh, but really...it's true. Moving forward in life means taking chances.

As far as being honest with oneself...

Ugh. It IS hard. And it IS difficult. And it mainly just blows...but it's got to happen. i mean...there have been quite a few times where i've had to take a good long look in my proverbial mirror and i hated what i saw. i winced, but i had to keep looking because otherwise i couldn't change what i hated about myself. i had to accept those ugly things about myself in order to deal with them, and move forward.

Gah. Move forward, move forward. i sound like a broken record.

2008-08-14T19:15:00.002-06:00

I am unwritten
can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
the pen's in my hand
ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition
sometimes my tries
are outside the lines
We've been conditioned
to not make mistakes
but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
-Excerpt from "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield

Now that the obligatory lyrics have been shared....

i was listening to this song today on the way to work. i tend to have a lot of profound thoughts on my way to work - might it be because it before 5am? Probably, cause otherwise i'm just not that cool.

Anyway.

i was listening to this song and trying to work my head around my current problem - my self-image. Or...lack of positive self-image. Weight loss, exercise, motivation...all that crap that i have been struggling with for-ev-ER.

i think i'm afraid of loosing weight. i cannot for the LIFE OF ME think of any other reason that i CANNOT seem to do the things i need to do: for instance, i absolutely, positively WILL NOT DIE if i don't eat that damn donut. i absolutely, positively WILL NOT DIE if i go workout for 30 minutes like i'm paying to do. i absolutely, positively WILL NOT DIE if i don't binge. So why do i have such troubles with these things?

So...i played the Why Game. Now, the Why Game is not a fun, silly party-game. Oftentimes, the Why Game makes the frog cry. But, it's been useful to me - when i've been open and accepting of the answers. Here's how to play.

Start with a question of something that on your mind: for instance, my game started with "Why do i want to loose weight?" The first answer to pop in your head, no matter how inane it sounds, is used. Then...ask yourself Why. See my mental conversation below.

Why do i want to loose weight? To wear pretty clothes
Why? Because i'm tired of wearing ugly clothes
Why? Because i can't fit into any pretty clothes
Why? Because i won't eat right or exercise like i should.
Why? Because i don't want to.
Why? Because i am afraid.
Why? Because i think that people still won't like me even if i'm pretty.
Why? Because i'm ugly everywhere.

You see? Mucho emo.

However...through playing that game, i did realize that i am indeed afraid of loosing weight. i want to be attractive, i want to turn heads and have people flirt with me. But i'm so afraid of it at the same time...i haven't quite wrapped my head around that why yet, but i'm getting there.

So maybe my motivational problems have more to do with fear than i originally intended. Either way, i need to somehow re-focus that fear into positive, healthy results for me.

The whole...weight issue terrifies me. Just last Sunday, i was flipping through the TV and saw a show on TLC about a man that weighed over 1,000 pounds. They showed the rescue workers actually cutting out a wall of this man's house, of this special gurney that had to be used, of the 50 ker-billion people that had to help move this massive human being. They described his condition, saying that his flesh was stretched so tight that all the water was leaking from his skin cells and soaking the bed, that there was blood and fecal matter under his nails....

...and the frog flipped right the fuck out. Oh, holy shit. Fecal matter?!? Soaked bed?! OMG. i had what was quite possibly my first panic attack in 3 years. i literally panicked at the thought of letting myself get to that state.

But it's like...i never DO anything about that fear of getting so inhumanly obese. i know that i'm no where near that point right now - but still, in those moments, it seems like such a near possibility. But i do nothing!

*sighs*

Gotta fight harder.

2008-07-12T12:14:00.002-06:00

i don't even know where to begin.

First...the hives were an allergic reaction to some antibiotics that i was given. i've been given more steriods and a stronger antihistamine to get rid of it. It's a relief that it wasn't anything having to do with all the earlier GI problems.

Last night, i was browsing a D/s message board and found a post about the importance of marriage. Someone posted that even though the marriage didn't truly change anything about their lives, it was her way of proclaiming to everyone her own committment. i told Darrin about this this morning...and i shouldn't have.

Darrin does not want to be married. There is something about the very concept of being married that sends his brain spinning backwards into retreat. i know this. i know i won't change his mind. But i also know that i -want- to be married to him. Will it change anything? No. Probably not a damn thing. We live together, manage our finances, make plans for the future already...nothing will change those things. But just as he can't help his thoughts, i can't help mine. It's something i want, and even though i've tried and tried to stop it, it's just not going away.

i'm heartbroken, and i do it to myself every time i bring the subject up. i feel guilty for wanting it...because as the slave i am, i shouldn't. Maybe i'm not truly a slave, but...i'm not trying to change his mind, i'm trying to explain to him why i feel this way. He feels bad, of course - this morning he said that he felt mean for doing this to me. What could i say? We both have the power to fix this, but neither one of us can. i told him that i do this to myself, and have no one to blame but myself. Since he hadn't yet been to sleep after being at work last night, i told him to go to sleep - he can't help me pack this away again. i have to take responsibility for this...i wish i could make it go away. i just want...i want to feel like i belong. i don't want to group him in the "boyfriend" group anymore...he's more than that, but i don't know what to call him. i don't want to feel temporary in his life...he never makes me feel that way, but the only way i can relate to this situation is how i feel, and right now, that is how this makes me feel. i want to show the entire world what he means to me...other people might not take marriage seriously, but i do.

2008-06-29T18:53:00.002-06:00

Sooooooooo i went to the walk in clinic that the local hospital has yesterday, and got all sorts of medication. More specifically, i got predizone (sp?) to counter-act the allergic-reationness that's all up in my bloodstream. i'm sooooooooo relieved that it's working, i could tell a difference by dinnertime last night, and today it's so way better. Even the itching is better. i am supposed to take one predizone in the morning, and also one Zantac in the morning, then another Zantac at night along with 50 mgs of Benedryl - i tried that last night, and omg, i was on speed. Whooooooooshit. So far tonight i've only taken the Zantac, and we'll see how it goes, i have some Benedryl creme that i can use if i get itchy.

i think i'm going to join Curves. i have a handle on my eating (mostly), and i think that if i need to adjust that i can do that myself. my big issue is exercise...as in, my motivation is non-existant. i figure that i will have a few things going for me at Curves - i'll be paying for it, so i won't waste my damn money and NOT go, the workout is balanced and guided out, and it's close to where i park for work. There is a Curves here in town, but by the time i get in town, i want to be home, so i figure it's best to do it in the town i work in. That means i can get at least 4 days of working out in, and the other days i can walk or do the bike or something.

Need to do more, need to fight harder.

More health crap

2008-06-28T13:43:00.002-06:00

i am Jack's hive-ridden self.

bleh.

Last week, on Friday, i noticed red spots on my neck, near the bottom. Weird, i thought. Then, i noticed a few more, and then on Saturday, my chest, boobs, and belly exploded, along with the back of my neck. Sunday the spots were crawling into the hairline along the back of my neck, and spreading further down my back and belly. Monday and Tuesday it began travelling down my arms and wrists, Wednesday the back of my hands, and Thursday saw the first begin popping up on the backs of my thighs, with every other place still looking as bad if not worse.

Fuck this ALL to hell.

i had a complete and total hissy fit on Wednesday because i itched so bad, even with Benadryl AND Benedryl creme. Thursday i had a wheezing attack after spending two hours outside, and Friday i tried to sleep as much as i possibly could because sleep = no itching. Today i gave in and went to a walk-in clinic that the hospital in town has - the doctor said that because it was generalized and not localized, it was probably something i ate or drank and was now in my bloodstream. Yay me. So i am now taking predizone and zantac, and also a double-dose of Benedryl at night.

Again i say - fuck this ALL TO HELL.

It really wouldn't be so bad with the itching. i can deal with the itching. But like this morning, when i had to show the doctor what was going on, i nearly broke into tears because i felt so horribly -ugly-. Everytime anyone looks at me, i want to cry because i feel so...i don't know, almost ashamed i guess. Even though it's something mostly out of my control, i just feel too ugly to even look at. It's a terrible, awful feeling.

2008-06-02T19:10:00.002-06:00

Where the freak have i been?

i've been writing a lot of things here that i haven't published. It was strange at first, to first know that what i was going to write wasn't going to be seen by anyone, and then to simply stare at those thoughts finally written down. Sometimes i didn't even look at the screen, i just stared at my fingers as they hit the keys louder and louder. i'm not done...but it feels good to know that i have an outlet for things that maybe i'm afraid to say otherwise.

Otherwise, i've been well. Took a week-long trip to San Francisco with my mom and sister, got thoroughly sick both before and during, and came home not much more rested than when i left. BUT, it was a great trip.

i have really been feeling the stress lately...so much so that even Darrin noticed. When i called him as i was leaving work, he proclaimed that we were going out to eat and we were going to eat until we simply couldn't anymore. Um, okay. =) So the frog laid into some potato skins, a salad and a huge-astic portion of seafood alfredo. Aaaaaaaand we stopped at Dairy Queen on the way back into town.

i totally take full responsibility for any weight gain, and tell it to shove it up it's own fat ass.

2008-05-02T11:45:00.003-06:00

Unofficially...it's not a hernia.

*shakes out the voice of the Governator...it's not a tuuumah...*

i went for an Upper GI test on Wednesday, and while mid-swallow, the doctor said that he couldn't see anything wrong with my stomach or surrounding areas. i sort of left the hospital in a daze, and broke into tears in my car. No hernia is a good thing, i know...but see, i walked into that hospital pretty sure of what was going on, and i walked out not having any idea what is wrong with me. Since i'm a "fixer", this was a bit of a shock to my system.

So...i'm not sure exactly what will happen next...but...okay.

Darrin and i had sex this morning...we haven't really gotten a chance to lately what with all the health problems, but it was just what i needed i think. It was long, slow...sweet and unhurried. It's been a long time since it's been like that, and it was...well, gloriously messy.

2008-04-28T18:20:00.002-06:00

i have a whozit in my whatnow?

i was sick. Remember? All the spewing and such? Yes, well - once that was all concluded, i began having chest pains and wheezing. Yes, yes, the frog was a good girl and trotted her happyass to the doctor, who concluded after a chest x-ray that the frog has a hiatal hernia. Whee. Technically not a huge deal, so i'm not really freaking out about it. The only issue is the fact that it showed up on a chest x-ray, which apparently doesn't happen very often, and apparently means that it's BIG, which apparently means i'll have to have surgery. The wheezing is happening because i've aspirated stomach acid into my lungs. Yippee!

So, for the past week or two, my innards have been all kinds of messed up. i'm even having trouble eating - look in past entries if you aren't surprised by that. It took me almost an hour and a half to eat an apple this morning. It's a very odd sensation to have food sitting in front of me, and not want to eat it. Not even feel obligated to eat it.

So, there is my silver lining. Maybe after all this hernia balony is done, i'll remember this feeling and be able to push back from the table, so to speak.

2008-04-10T16:37:00.002-06:00

i've always been the type of person to think of others before myself. As i was driving to work BEFORE the ass-crack of dawn this morning, i pondered about things that i want. Would i be able to make a list? Could i come up with things?

Here's my try. i'm going to try really hard not to censor myself.

i want:

- to pay off all my debt (which isn't really that much, but still.)
- to be thinner.
- to have people want me. *gets distracted and sings*
- to make people feel good.
- to be on my knees.
- to be hurt.
- to be marked.
- to be bruised.
- the new BDB book to come out.
- to be truly talented at something.
- to live in the woods.
- to be truly seen.
- ice cream.
- to go outside and dance naked in the rain.
- to sleep.
- to travel. Anywhere that isn't Illinois. Or Iowa. Or Wisconsin, ferpetessake.
- to have willpower when it comes to food and exercise.
- to not have to depend on drugs to function.
- to loose weight.
- to not be 267 pounds anymore.
- to be pretty.
- to be confident.
- tomorrow's doctor appointment to be nothing special.
- to have the courage, stamina, and general worthiness to make it down to 180 pounds.
- to stop beating myself up and let someone else do it. =)
- to pet my cats.
- to curl up in my bed with my stuffed frog.
- new clothes.
- a Diet Pepsi Lime.

2008-03-26T18:08:00.002-06:00

First, i shall do a dance of joy because pixiepie reads my blog.

*DANCEOFJOY*

i'm feeling much better, thank goodness. Gained the weight back, but i'm not really sure i care. i've been watching that TV show on TLC called "I can make you thin" - and while i am of course dubious of anyone trying to make me thin through a television, i have picked up a few good tips that i've been working on.

i'm totally having random thoughts today, so step lightly.

i've been obsessing over Peter Steele from Type O Negative. Holee-keerist i want me some of that. Just thinking of him makes my uterus squee with joy.

i've been considering the idea of giving myself over to Darrin for a day...maybe the weekend. i know it sounds like a tiny step, especially for someone like me who's been "doing this" for so long, but really...it feels kind of big. i've been so self-sufficient in my submission that it's scary to turn that over to someone else. And of course, there's always the fear that it will end badly again...like it has so many times. At the same time, though...i feel differently about it. i'm still not sure, but i don't think it's fear that's holding me back.

2008-03-15T18:44:00.002-06:00

Well, if that last post didn't garner any comments, then i am free to say anything i darn well please. Yay me!

i've been the sickest. frog. ever. First it was pneumonia, then Tuesday of last week i somehow pinched a nerve in my shoulder. THEN on Thursday...i get up, get in the shower, and promptly heave out every last ounce of everything in my gut. Let me tell you though, the shower is the place to do something like that...easy clean-up and all. This continues violently every two hours until there is absolutely nothing left, and i look like something death would turn it's nose up at.

Yay me.

Finally, today i am beginning to feel like myself again. i've lost 7 pounds - something that i am secretly pleased with and would probably go through the torment of the last few days again for.

It was strange, though...and a little disconcerting. Even when i was in the midst of the ick, i felt like i should be eating. Even when every PART OF MY BODY was expelling every last ounce of anything it could possible hold, i felt like i should be eating. It was one of the few times i've come face to face with my addiction, and it was scary. i didn't eat - mostly because i simply couldn't. But it was odd to feel such a compulsion even in the face of such...ample proof that i shouldn't be doing it.

When i felt like it was possible to eat, i've been very careful (obviously). i'm still a bit sensitive, and i was very conscious of how my stomach felt. i hope i can retain these memories of being full, because it was a very different experience than the one i normally have.

Grace and Submission

2008-03-06T19:59:00.006-06:00

So.

i read a few blogs that deal primarly with submission, D/s, slavery, et al. There have been quite a few good topics floating around lately, and it got me to thinking. Be prepared, i'm so going to ramble.

Reading these blogs always makes me wonder who is out there reading mine. It's difficult for me to know - i rarely get comments or whatever. It sort of makes me feel both comfortable and isolated at the same time. i feel free to voice myself as i wish, but wondering what my thoughts might inspire in other people.

The biggest thing that has got me contemplating is the concept of grace within submission. i was reading one person's view on it, and it struck me that mine was completely different. i don't really view "grace" as an ability, but rather more of a state.

When i think of the word "grace", i get an image in my head that is surprisingly spiritual. i think of serenity and peace and joy, even within the struggles. So (as i'm sure you can guess), i thought more on this.

Did you know that one of the most powerfully submissive moments i ever had was in a movie theater? Oh, it was. *solemn nod* Want to take a guess at the feature show? No?

It was The DaVinci Code.

And no...not because of that.

It was the music, actually - in the last scene, where Robert runs like a mad fool all over Paris and ends up staring down into the inverted glass pyramid in front of the Louvre. The track is actually called "Chevaliers de Sangreal" should you be interested.

Oh, that music. Even as i listen to it now, it fills my soul with such power, such overwhelming...something...that i have tears in my eyes. As i sat in that theater, i stared up at the screen with what was probably the dumbest expression anyone ever wore ever. i immediately left the theater (after regaining some sort of composure) and ran to buy this glorious music.

*sighs* i wish i could explain it, but at that moment, i realized that i was feeling this utterly pure, utterly trusting faith in regards to my own submission - not in regards to anything of a religious nature. As so many in this world find peace, meaning and growth through their faith in any particular religion, i find the same things within the belief that i belong in a state of worship.

Sounds a bit...fanatical, maybe? Believe me, this was more of a shock to me than to anyone else. Never in my life have i ever been affiliated with any organized religion (despite an adolescent exploration of paganism). i was always...offended by the rules. How could someone other than me define how i would worship something? Boo-hiss.

i do consider myself to be a very spiritual person (especially after this epiphany) - and the concept of religion fascinates me to no end. i'm the girl that watches those "Science of Jesus" shows on the History and Discovery Channels with rapt interest. i'm the girl who has books and books on religious topics - and yet, i could never identify with any particular one. Am i a Christian? Nah. i'm sure Jesus was groovy and all, but i think he was just a guy. Buddhist? Hindu? Muslim? Nope, nope and nope.

So how could i have these feelings inside me? How could i be so inspired, to the point of using religious terms to help me describe these emotions?

i still don't know.

But i do know this: i am meant to be on my knees. i am meant for slavery in the same way that nuns marry themselves to their Lord. i worship Dominance, humble myself at it's feet, surrender myself to its divine will.

i used to have a very different outlook to my submission. When i would consider it, i was left with an anxious, jittery feeling - an anticipation of something. i forced some idea of it into my life, which left a string of failures trailing along behind me. It was something i had to prove, something i had to endure, some kind of...costume that i put on.

But what is this Dominance i worship? i'll try to explain, but please forgive me if i am vague.

When i close my eyes...it is a presence. In my mind, it forms a picture much like the Egyptians pictures their Goddess, Nut. She is depicted as hovering over the earth in a protective arch, her body filled with stars, her fingers and toes touching each of the cardinal points. (Click to see pictures) This is how i envision this presence - surrounding me, protecting me, watching me. The mere fact that this presence is there demands that i submit - it does not demand it from me, but i simply have no other thought in my mind. It has no face, no gender, no name. It is simply there, and i surrender. In my mind i abase myself - not with a feeling of humiliation, degredation, or because i am somehow less. i abase myself with joy, gratitude, humility, humbleness and breathless wonderment.

i imagine that it is much like a religious feeling...a feeling of knowledge of a greater power. i feel as though i have given up the shell of my submission and revealed something...that is no longer a separate entity of myself, but a fully ingrained and driving force of my very soul.

my submission now is very different than it was before. Along with no longer being a separate entity, it is also now something i do not have to force. It is always there, i can always feel it. It is no longer an action, but a state of being. It brings me joy, peace, and serenity. i can't fit it into a box anymore...now it is the box.

i believe that this is my grace in submission.

2008-02-26T19:56:00.002-06:00

All You Need To Know About Me

Name:	Jennifer
Nickname:	Frog
Birthday:	December 22
Zodiac Sign:	Capricorn
Current location:	my chair
Eye Color:	green/grey
Hair Color and Length:	light brown / long
Height:	5.9
Shoes You Wore Today:	i didn\'t wear shoes today. But normally? Steel-toed boots. flex
Your Fear:	abandonment
First Thought When You Wake Up:	i love my bed
Best Physical Feature:	uh. i guess people like my butt.
Who Is Your Bestest Friend:	Darrin
When Is Your Bedtime:	Usually between 9 and 10.
Pepsi or Coke:	Diet Pepsi. With Lime.
McDonalds or Burger King:	McDonalds
Single or Group Dates:	omg, i haven\'t been on a date in forever. Single, i guess.
What Is The Last Song You Sang:	i have no idea - something on the radio, i guess.
Do You Drink:	Why, yes i do.
Ever Been Drunk:	Why, yes i have.
Do You Smoke:	When i drink.
What Color Underwear Do You Have On:	frog = underwearless
Have You Ever Been In Love:	Yes. =)
Do You Want To Get Married:	Yes. =(
Do You Like Thunderstorms:	Yes. =)
How Many CD’s Do you Own:	Not enough.
How Many DvD’s Do You Own:	Too many.
How Many Tattoo’s Do You Have:	None.
How Many Piercings Do You Have:	5
Favorites
Favorite Shoes:	i love me some flats.
Favorite Radio Station:	? i have many.
Favorite Drink:	Diet Pepsi with Lime. WITH. LIME.
Favorite Car:	The Fit is go!
Favorite Song:	Silent Lucidity
Favorite Movie:	oy Depends on my mood.
Favorite Color:	Green
Favorite Meal:	Depends on my mood. Usually, ice cream. Yes, i know it says meal.
In a Guy/Girl or Man/Woman I Like…
Favorite Eye Color:	i\'m safe saying blue, because they both have blue eyes. Yay for sameness!
Favorite Hair Color:	Brown. Yay for sameness!
Short Hair or Long Hair:	uh. Crap. i like hair, there. nod
Height:	Dammit. Guys = taller, girls = shorter
Body Type:	Normal
Tattoos:	yes. Yay for sameness!
Piercings:	yes! Yay for sameness!
Right Now
Right Now, What Is Todays Date:	had to look February 26
Right Now, What Time Is It:	7:54pm
Right Now, Who Are You Thinking Of:	my cat, who is doing something stupid.
Right Now, What Are You Listening To:	American Idol.
Right Now, Do You Love Some One:	Yes
Right Now, Does Someone Love You:	Gee, i hope so.
Right Now, Is It Raining:	looks no.
Right Now, Are You Happy:	No. i\'m sick.
Tell us YOUR answers to this survey! Click HERE!
Created by shadow_in_the_dark, taken 210 times. Created at Kwiz.biz - Kwizzes, Polls and Surveys!

2008-02-26T04:18:00.002-06:00

i was visiting a blog of someone i regularly read, and she talked about a rather intense situation that included her being put at her Owner's feet in public.

It made me think...actually, this particular blog makes me think a lot...and i wondered at the stab of sad envy i felt when reading that. i know the envy part - obviously i want someone to want me at their feet. But the sad part? i'm not sure if that's because that's not the path my submission is taking, or...if it's because i've somehow settled out of fear of facing failure once more.

2008-02-08T20:47:00.000-06:00

Where to begin, where to begin....

This week has been rough. Rough on a few different levels. Monday and Tuesday i was extremely stressed at work - dealing with the people, the issues that have my hands tied. Wednesday, thankfully, we got 15 inches of snow so i stayed home and hibernated. =) Yesterday was not much better - by 7:30am i'd kicked two people out of my office.

Darrin could tell that something was wrong, we talked about it on Wednesday when we were both home. i tried to explain that the only time i felt "normal" (whatever that is, right?) was when i was home - and that really it was outside sources that were stressing me out.

It was a rough situation because i haven't have an episode like this in awhile...it's disconcerting in many ways. Also...when things like this come up, the normal questions arise - is my new drug not working, etc. i will have to watch myself carefully.

There are a lot of thoughts swirling around inside...my lack of dedication to a healthier lifestyle, my submission...buuuuuut i think i want to nap. Yay.

2008-01-27T13:19:00.000-06:00

*Taken from Taylor

1. Honestly, how many people have you kissed?
Uh. Probably somewhere between 20-40 people.

2.Honestly, what color is your underwear?
At the moment? Invisible.

3.Honestly, what's on your mind?
My cat is snoring.

4. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
Doing this and laundry. Woot.

5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
Sometimes.

6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
Today? ima good girl today.

7. Honestly, do you watch Disney channel?
Not yet, but i might.

8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
Nope.

9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
Being home. Darrin. fish. my cats. my family.

10. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
Yep.

11. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
Yep.

12. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
Probably?

13. Honestly, when is the last time you have been to taco bell?
A month ago, maybe?

14. Honestly, are you loyal?
To the core.

15.Honestly, are you in denial?
Yes?

16. Honestly, where would you rather be right now?
In bed.

17. Honestly, do you like someone?
i like you. =)

18. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
i dunno. *heh*

19.Honestly, what was the last thing someone said to you?
Darrin: *half-asleep* Yeah, i'll be up.

20. Honestly, what did you say to them?
me: Honey, you should come to bed.

21. Gone out of your way to make a new friend?
a few times.

22.Honestly, do you kiss and tell?
Yes!

.:DIFFERENT EMOTIONS SURVEY:.

*Anger Section*

23. What do you do when you're mad?
i think.

24. What's the worst thing you've done when you were mad?
Cheated on someone.

25. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?
Probably.

26. Do you swear when you're mad?
i swear all the time - non-discrimatorially.

*Crying Section*

27. When was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out?
i can't remember.

28. Cried yourself to sleep?
......

29. Do you still cry when you get an injury?
Yes. =(

30. Do certain songs make you cry?
Yes.

31. What usually makes you cry?
Confrontation.

*Happy Section*

32. Are you normally a happy person?
i think so?

33. What can make you happy?
See #9. And don't make me repeat myself. :P

34. Does being with your friends make you happy?
Sometimes.

*Self-Esteem Section*

35. Do you believe in yourself?
Mostly?

36.When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you deny that you are?
i am working on simply saying "thank you" and then graciously changing the subject. =)

2008-01-12T11:48:00.000-06:00

From Submissive Journal Prompts:

“There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they’re necessary to reach the places we’ve chosen to go.” -Richard Bach

Sometimes people ask me if i have regrets. Do i regret my insanity? Do i regret the utter loss of self? Do i regret my relationship with food? Do i regret the heart-breaking experiences within relationships?

Nope. Yeah - sometimes i yell and scream and hatehatehateHATE them. But no regrets. Regrets would leave me stagnant. i'm all about movin' on up.

2008-01-02T15:57:00.000-06:00

And now, it's time for Birthday Resolutions:

1. i will loose and keep off at least 20 pounds. i did it last year, i can do it again. Dammit.

2. Darrin got me a nifty digital camera and printer, so i am going to take more pictures. And yes, fish - you can take more of me too.

3. While Darrin was on vacation, he one day decided that the house was TOO CLUTTERED. Rampage ensued. Now, 5 days later, we have all but one corner of the downstairs, our bedroom and half of my room done. It's nice to keep up with a clean house - to have dishes done and the dining room cleared away. So, the goal is to keep up on domesticities.

2007-12-21T21:11:00.001-06:00

Here it is, the eve of my 30th birthday.

It seems surreal...i certainly don't feel 30, whatever 30 is supposed to feel like. i feel like i just left high school, like i'm wearing pyjamas to brunch in the dormhall and shlumping around whichever campus i attended.

Then again...

i'm married (non-legally). i'm in a steady relationship that faced the ultimate challenge last year at this time, and not only survived but got one thousand times stronger. i have a steady job that i succeed at, and i make a decently high wage.

i began a very long and very difficult journey this past year, which hasn't ended but i believe that i've got my stride going. i feel comfortable with the direction i'm going, i feel comfortable with the pace i'm going (when i'm not impatient), and i feel good about the realizations i'm making.

i didn't make my Birthday resolution of loosing 50 pounds. However, i've lost and kept off 20 pounds, and i've gained a better perspective of what works for me and where i need to go in order to get to where i want to be.

Crap. i'm growing up.

2007-11-22T19:56:00.000-06:00

....and on Tuesday, the fog lifted.

i was surprised, actually. Like...i was asking myself "Are you sure? This is it?" Meh. Well...yay for me for surviving again.

Today was a good day. Moose and i drove 2 hours one way to eat Thanksgiving lunch with my grandma and the rest of my family, and then drove 2 hours back here to stop at Moose's mom's house to finish up the feastables. i'm telling you, my Thanksgiving is INCOMPLETE without those pickle/cream cheese/corned beef roll-up things. Pickle/cream cheese/corned beef roll-up things, i heart you.

We were both in good moods (on his part mostly because we avoided much of the loud-children-running-amok phase), the drive wasn't bad, and now we can do nothing for three days.

2007-11-19T15:11:00.000-06:00

i'm sorry, blog. i'm not a very good friend to you, am i? i know i only come around when i need something...and if you'll just indulge me this time, i'll try to do better, okay?

That said...something is wrong with me. Something is wrong, something is off, something is notright. i've steadily been sinking under the various stresses of work, and over this past weekend i realized that i'm just not...coming up for air.

i've made an appointment with my doctor, because i have a feeling that i've plateaued on yet another medication.

It's both...scary and comforting to be here again. Comforting in an odd, dream-world like haze that surrounds everything...and scary because...well, because it's still there.

i don't like not wanting to have sex. i don't like not wanting to interact with anyone. i don't like being bothered enough by people that i have to run out of a store (which i did this weekend). i don't like wanting to cry, and i don't like the horrible, awful things i am thinking about myself. i don't like how i'm treating myself, and i don't like how i feel the need to grieve these tiny bits of me that i'm sure i can feel dying inside me.

It's sadly, frighteningly familiar.

On a completely different, "youcanonlyblameyourself" note...i was walking out of the grocery store today when i heard that incessant ringing of the Salvation Army Bucketeers. After getting over my shock of hearing them BEFORE THANKSGIVING, i noticed that the lady in question was singing, and so i thought...Well, isn't that cheery...until i walked past her and realized what she was singing...

"...and i'm gonna ring this bell...every single damn day....six days a week...."

Yeah.

2007-10-18T20:43:00.000-06:00

Today was better...i went to work, and was incredibly busy which is probably what saved me.

Sometimes...when i get to this point of utter retreat, it feels like...almost like i am shocking people. Seems a bit arrogant, yes? But sometimes...it's like...i feel people just standing there, staring at me kind of dumbfounded, and asking.."but...who's going to take care of me now? Who's going to hold me up now?"

It's probably just being in this place that makes me feel that more than what is really there...but right here, right now...i want people to be able to see past their own needs and realize that sometimes, i need taking care of too. You can't just...ask if i'm alright just to reassure yourself that i'm still taking care of you. You can't ask if i'm alright just be sure that you'll still be getting the same thing out of me.

2007-10-17T16:41:00.000-06:00

i still have days where i simply cannot face the world. i've not set foot outside of my house since 1:00pm yesterday. i feel like i can't bear it. Logically, i know i could...but i'm just so tired of it all.

i say still, because i really used to be so much worse. i used to handle it so much worse. Now...i can have these days and be okay with them, because i know they will go away, and because i know that if i don't let them happen, i'll only get worse.

So...today is that day. Today is the day where i hide from the world to keep from bundling even more of other people's problems onto my shoulders. Today is the day i shake it off, so that i can be okay tomorrow.

i hide because everything seems so selfish. i don't want to hear about anyone's crappy day, i don't want to hear excuses as to why someone forgot their timecard, i don't want to listen to stories of how they need their check early to pay for food when everyone knows it's basically getting traded in for beer, i don't want to hear about how painful someone else's life is, i don't want to hear about how sad someone is or how much they think the world is out to get them or how wronged they've been.

i need to focus on mine for a minute.

2007-10-16T16:29:00.000-06:00

i left work at noon today - both for my mental health and for the safety of others. i don't really know what happened...i just know that suddenly, someone was bitching at me about suing the company for mental strain if their direct deposit hadn't been cancelled...at 6:30 in the morning.

Man, fuck you guys. Fuck you and the bitchy horse you rode in on, cause DAMN. i lost it. i mean...WTF am i supposed to say to that?!

"Uh...good luck with that..."

i get so fucking TIRED and disappointed in these people who are supposed to be grown-ups - most of them old enough to be my freakin PARENTS - but are mentally no older than a crabby 2-year-old. i am TIRED of getting attitude just because they "need someone to vent to." i am TIRED of having these dillholes lie to my face, just because they think i'm too dumb to notice. i am TIRED of having to repeat the rules EVERY. SINGLE. DAY because they keep looking for a way to get around the rules to suit their needs.

And you know what? i'm tired of being disappointed. i'm tired of putting such high expectations on people, because by now, i should know that i'm just going to see them dragged through the mud.

i know i'm doing this to myself...especially the expectations i put on people i thought were my friends.

i think...the entire world just got too damn selfish for me today...and i had to go find me again.

2007-10-15T16:23:00.000-06:00

i opened up a new post, but everything i think of to say sounds either redundant or incredibly snarky, so...

i guess i'll just say ditto. Disappointment is keeping me from saying anything else.

2007-10-10T18:36:00.000-06:00

i've been hovering at 265 - not gaining, not loosing.

i read today that most people don't know what hunger feels like. That struck me, and as i thought about it, i realized that i was afraid of hunger. When i feel hungry (especially in the morning at work - i get to work at 5:45am, and don't usually eat anything until 8 or so), i can feel the symptoms of panic...and i think that maybe, my binging is a...coping mechanism for dealing with the fear of hunger. Afraid of being hungry? Eat!

So, today, i tried to be very conscious of my "full-factor." i also found myself talking to myself (myself, myself), assuring myself that i wasn't going to die.

Yeah. Re-read that, because i totally had to sit with a dumb expression for about 5 minutes when i listened to what i was saying.

my subconscious mind thought i was going to DIE because i was hungry.

Okay, so. A part of me feels really triumphant for coming to this epiphany, and the other part of me feels so completely pathetic and stupid that i can barely stand it.

Ever watch the movie "French Kiss?" When Meg Ryan's character first goes to Paris and looses everything and is calling home on the payphone outside of L'Arc Triumphe? And she's all bawling and holding up her fist in a weak, half-assed gesture and saying in a weepy voice barely discernable through the tears "I will triumph...."

Hi. i will triumph.

*sniff*

2007-10-03T17:38:00.000-06:00

It's been awhile, i know. *hangs head*

i am driving EVER-Y-WHERE. i love my car.

i've been spending a lot more time with Darrin, which feels really good. Last night, he mentioned how different everything felt now compared to a year ago. Ugh, i winced at that one. A year ago i was caught up in something that proved to be so not good for me...but it feels good to have made so much progress, and also to be in a place where i love and appreciate what Darrin is and does for me.

In our talking last night, i mentioned a recent frustration to Darrin. Normally, i am quite the "shit or get off the pot" type of person. For instance...i could never understand why someone would stay in an abusive relationship. i simply cannot wrap my head around it, it makes no sense to me. i realized that that was one of the reasons why my depression was (is) so traumatizing to me - i KNEW i was feeling bad, i KNEW i was unhappy, i WANTED to change that, but i couldn't (at that time). i feel the same way about my weight issue. i feel like i try, but i can't quite gain my footing to make it up the other side of the hill. Or...to tie it back to the analogy....i'm constipated.

2007-09-24T17:09:00.000-06:00

i bought a new car!!!

All by myself, no co-signer, i bought a brand-spankin-new car. A 2007 Honda Fit.

The Fit is go!

i love it. i love it, i love it, i love it.

2007-09-19T17:52:00.000-06:00

It's times like this that i truly feel my addiction.

i want to eat. i want crackers and ice cream, in no particular order. More specifically, i want Wheat Thins and Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream. i have an ache in me that i can't decipher. Is it hunger? Is it all in my head?

Y'know...i've been going to a lot of websites...and i'm so tired of reading about people who are already healthy complaining about 5 pounds. It's not that i think i'm so much worse off...i just don't think people like that can understand what i'm going through.

2007-09-14T18:20:00.000-06:00

Have lost 6 pounds this week. See that? That's my oh-so-white-girl, in-yo-face dance. Heh.

i started tracking my calories again on a site called sparkpeople.com - really a great site (and free! frugal frog says fuck yeah!) because it allows you to track what you want. For instance, i'm tracking my calories (and along with that, my fat, protein, and carbohydrate levels) by entering in what food i eat, i'm tracking how much water i drink each day, and i'm tracking the amount of exercise and calories burned each day.

Kind of had an emotional day today, but i'm feeling pretty good - i stopped at the track outside of town and walked twice around it before coming home. It was a beautiful day - windy and cool and sunny.

2007-09-10T17:41:00.000-06:00

Fair warning: This post will be completely selfish and whiny, and probably way too emo for a 29-year-old.

*sigh* (ack! See?!)

i got really upset last night when i went to bed. i'd been quiet all day, and when i laid down, i just got overwhelmed. i know why, and i'm dumb. i was supposed to fill my prescription for my happypills on Friday, but the doctor's office was closed, sooo...no happypills for frog.

i started thinking about turning 30 soon...which lead me to wonder if i'm doing the right things with my life...which in turn lead me to complete and utter rage at myself for letting me slide back up to 270...which made me feel absolutely fugly and unlovable...which made me wonder if that's the reason Darrin doesn't feel the need for a committment...

You get the idea. i am an Olympic gold winner of cyclonic thinking.

i decided that i'm going to try (again) to limit my calories per day to 1500, and to do 30 minutes of exercise a day. i need to pick up the smaller habits again, too, like not eating after 7:30 at night. The problem is that during the week, my day is pretty full: i'm up by 4:15 in the morning, out the door between 4:45 and 5:00, and i get home usually between 6:00 and 6:30 and night. It's very difficult to want to do ANYTHING when i get home from work, but i have to change that. Maybe i should try getting up at 3:45. *just cries*

i came home tonight and crawled into bed with Darrin and just bawled. He did say that he was very glad that i came to him and told him what was going on - i know he was worried about me because i couldn't talk much at work.

2007-09-06T19:54:00.000-06:00

i won't deny that i've had a big backslide on my whole "creating a better frog" thing. i've gained about 10 pounds back, and i'm really feeling it. i feel like i'm trying so hard, but at the same time...it's obviously not enough, and i wonder if i'm just telling myself that i'm trying so hard, and really not trying at all.

i decided that i really need to find someone (or group of someones) to hold me accountable. i need people who don't know me, have unbiased opinions and don't care if i have a headache or my feet hurt or whateverelsepoorfrogexcuseicomeupwith. Someone who expects...well...obedience, i guess, though i hate to relate this to D/s.

2007-09-04T20:03:00.001-06:00

So.

Because of events that transpired today, i am officially actively looking for a new job. The situation is not critical enough that i need to LEAVERIGHTNOW, but i want to see what is available.

Problem is, not much IS available in this area in my field that makes as much as i do. i do a lot - accounts receivable, accounts payable, payroll, HR, Benefits administration - but don't have enough years of experience (almost 2 and a half) to make up for no degree. Plus, to find a job like this that makes what i do an hour? Near to impossible.

Anyone have need of a general office-bitch type person?

2007-09-02T18:47:00.000-06:00

From Submissive Journal Prompts:

"Come up with as many words as you can to complete this phrase: I am a ______ slut."

Well, now...how can i resist this?

I am a dirty slut.
I am a nasty slut.
I am a delicious slut.
I am a salacious slut.
I am a stealthy slut.
I am a good slut.
I am a great slut!
I am a(n) absolute slut.
I am a sneaky slut.
I am a needy slut.
I am a fucking slut.
I am a luscious slut.
I am a freaky slut.
I am a lonely slut. =(
I am a(n) invisible slut.
I am a hungry slut.

Slut really is so limiting, though...all of those could be replaced with whore, fuck-meat, possession, fucktoy, cumslut, etc...

Though, i'm fairly certain that if someone just came up to me and called me those names, i'd burst into extremely inappropriate laughter. Unless it was someone who was so dominant that my knees would wobble without a single word. =/ In that case, i would fall over and twitch in puddle of my own cum.

*sigh*

i've been doing alright lately...pretty good, actually. After my last freakout, i've settled down a bit. i'm eating decently, and recently i've even noticed that i'm not eating when i "think" i should, but more when i'm actually hungry - and more importantly, i've been craving healthier foods, like melon and Wheat Thins. *eye roll* Oy, don't even get me started on these kicks i get on - i've decided that i totally overdosed on cashews and cannot even look at one now. i give myself treats, but i still look at labels and pay attention to serving sizes. i've found some good ice cream that is fat-free and only has 90 calories a serving (i think it's Blue Bunny? hell if i know.)

my struggle now is exercise. Bleh, i hate even typing the word. Fuck you, exercise. i've been trying to get on my bike, and i think now that the weather is cooling down some, i'd like to try walking after work.

i've been having some pretty dark urges lately...not really explicit fantasies, really, more like...images, feelings. frog is wanting to be hurt, used, welted, bled, bruised, broken...

You get the idea.

2007-08-08T18:52:00.000-06:00

There have been no clandestine ice cream sandwiches.

Beginning on Monday, i started back on the bike. i did 20 minutes Monday and Tuesday, and today i did 25...which made me feel good. i've been doing good at work, and not bad at home. i still feel cravings, but i'm being very, very careful at evaluating my "wants" vs. my "needs". Do i -really- need that...or am i just feeling old habits?

i'm trying to slim down a little for my business trip in two weeks - my first ever. i bought really nice, professional outfits to wear, and i just want to make a good impression. i know i shouldn't, but i'll feel more comfortable if i'm comfortable in my own skin.

How sad that i'm not. How more sad that i'm STILL not.

Where are those damn bootstraps........?

2007-08-01T17:47:00.000-06:00

You know how you watch these shows on tv...i call them "fat nights on TLC" because they always seem to come one right after another...and although it might scare you (which it does, to the point that i'm not allowed to watch them anymore, period), it still seems like something so extreme, so not-you that a part of you is almost comforted by how different you are from those people?

i realized tonight that i'm no longer different from those people.

i could have my own fat show.

i realized it because...because i went into my local Walgreens to pick up my happy pills, and came out with a bag of Twizzler's Bits and an ice cream sandwich along with those happy pills. i told myself AS I WAS WALKING IN THE DOOR that i wasn't going to get anything else, though i was going to browse through the makeup to see if there were any goodies. i specifically mentioned to myself that i was NOT going to get an ice cream sandwich (which truly are the bane of my existance).

my feet took me there anyway. my hands grabbed at the display of bags of Twizzlers on sale, and snatched at the ice cream. i did it. i did it, i did it, i did it. And i wasn't even hungry!

i really didn't think about it until i was driving home, eating the ice cream sandwich...and i realized that i was hiding it from OTHER DRIVERS. i was dropping it into my lap at stop lights, or when other cars passed me.

i was so ashamed that i was hiding my food. Unconsciously.

i really don't know what to do now. i know that there are other habits i have that are like this and more, and i feel like...well, like someone with anorexia that hides food and pushes it around on their plate to make it look like they've eaten. i feel like someone with buliema that turns the water faucet on while they hurl. i feel like...a fat person that hides their binging.

i've read all these books that talk about ways to not do this...how to think about other things, or how to choose better "binge foods" (like carrots *WTF?!*)...and logically, i get it. i'm on board, i'm on that train, giddy-up. i buy things at the grocery store that hopefully will help me accomplish this, but things like today still happen.

i feel like i have to keep trying...but i don't even know what the next step is. i've been getting on my stationary bike, and i only do about 10-15 minutes before i stop. i was doing 30! At 4 o'clock in the morning!

i don't know how to stop.

2007-07-23T17:03:00.000-06:00

Before you ask....yes, i'm eating.

No, i don't like it.

2007-07-21T07:34:00.000-06:00

i opened up a new post, and now...i don't know what to say.

i feel like i need to punish myself. And it makes me sad...sad because i shouldn't punish myself...and sad because i'm the only one that can.

i feel like...god, this will open a can of worms, but hey, if you can't expose yourself on a blog, where can you?...i feel like i need to starve myself. i feel a great, gaping hole inside me, and i feel like every part of me should feel the same. Funny...you'd think that i would feel like eating everything in sight to try to fill that hole.

2007-07-17T16:43:00.001-06:00

Okay...so, yeah. i fucking hate food. i hate paying attention to nutritional values, i hate adding up calories and fat grams in my head, i hate being so stupid with food that i have to be so AWARE of it, ALL THE GODDAMN TIME, and i hate that that new drug Alli comes with a warning to bring a change of pants because you might shit yourself.

Man....fuck you, food. Fuck you and the fucking horse you rode in on.

i keep asking myself why. WHY, frog, WHY are you so messed up with food? Why can't you look at it like it should be looked at - as fuel, not comfort. i keep beating my fucking BRAINS out trying to figure out why...

And maybe i'm not supposed to know why. Maybe i'm supposed to be messed up. i mean...maybe i'll never know the WHY, but i can know HOW to live with being messed up. And even if i do know the WHY...maybe that won't mean i can automatically fix it. Maybe i'll just have the WHY without a solution.

Someone...dear god, someone just beat me into a coma. Please.

2007-07-14T18:23:00.000-06:00

Alright, so i splurged a little this weekend. i bought two pairs of pants and three shirts - things that i feel good in so that i'll be encouraged to continue.

i also went grocery shopping today and i think i did a pretty good job. i found these little 100 calorie packs of Keebler Grasshoppers, and they are fucking awesome. i also got Popsicles that are sugar-free and only have 15 calories, Turkey Sausage brats, Slow-Churned ice cream that only has 110 calories and fat free cream cheese with only 40 calories.

Y'know...as i was typing that, i realized that i'm starting to fucking hate food.

2007-07-12T18:01:00.000-06:00

Don't you feel, sometimes, like you just keep talking about the same stuff, over and over again? And wonder, why do people keep listening to me?

So...fair warning. This will be about the same old stuff. i won't be offended if you skip it.

i want to be able to sit here and type so many things...i want to type that i'm really trying at my diet and being successful and oh-my-gosh-look-how-much-weight-i've-lost....but i can't. Well, i could...but i'd be a big fat liar. (har har)

i haven't gained any weight, which is good. i've started drinking way more water again, which is good. i do good during the day at work. But i'm the suck when i come home. i'm not exercising.

Really, i have to start looking at this a different way. i need to be conscious when i eat, and remember that i am attempting to nourish my body, not throw it fat cells to sit on. i need to remember that i am worth taking care of, even when i have the greatest excuse not to want to (so i think). i need to remember that no one else can do this for me - that even though support is good and would be greatly appreciated, there's not a damn soul on this planet that can force me to do this. i have to make up my mind and FINISH it. i had such a good start, and i can keep going - i have 30 more pounds to loose before December 22. i was feeling so good when i was taking care of myself, i felt good about how i was taking care of myself and i felt good about how i looked. i can keep going. i can.

Right?

*grunt* dammit.

2007-06-28T17:32:00.001-06:00

6:51am

Yesterday wasn't the greatest day of my life. It wasn't the worst, but...i've had better. Usually on Wednesdays i'm supposed to get paychecks for my 124 children. Usually the FedEx guy comes to my office between 10:30 and 11:30am...so when i didn't have them by 2pm, i started worrying. By the time i got an answer from my corporate payroll office, it was 4pm, and apparently...the paychecks had been onsite since 11:00am. i think there must have been a substitute driver or something, because they delivered it to the Plant Receiving office instead of my office, and i wasn't notified of anyone signing for them.

i was pissed. The site manager was a bit taken back that i even knew words like that. =/

So i came home irritated...i did the dishes to kind of work off some of that irritation, which helped...but i was still feeling bleh.

i realized that i was feeling really defeated. i haven't been doing well on my "diet" (god i hate that word) - i'm not gaining weight, but i'm not loosing either. i haven't done any exercise at all, when i have a stationary bike i could easily get on while watching tv or whatever. i've gotten off track of my choices with food - last night i had macaroni and cheese for dinner because it was comforting. Blah blah blah, you get the idea - i suck.

i need help. i'm going to ask Darrin to help me do some exercise every day, at least on the bike everyday. Even though i do really well with food during the day at work, i packed a slightly better lunch today, just to give me a little boost. Last week at the grocery store, i decided to get the little packets of Crystal Light-type stuff instead of getting bottles of flavored water - less trash and all, because i can refill water bottles here in the office. So i've been drinking 5-6 16oz bottles of water every day, which is good.

i need to start being conscious while i'm eating. i've realized that i can just zone out and go through the motions, eventually ending up eating way more than i was even hungry for. i need to be THERE when i eat, because obviously, something's not working. It's not in my nature to be focused on eating - which seems weird, right? But really...when i eat, i just fade out...letting myself be comforted by the motions of eating. i don't really pay attention when i eat, but i should.

Why do i do that? God, haven't i gone through all this already? Haven't i figured out that i'm an emotional eater and all that phychological hoo-ha? Why am i still struggling - is it really this hard?

i know it is...i know i'm just whining. It makes me angry that i'm still doing this to my body after going through all the stuff i've already realized.

2007-06-11T18:48:00.001-06:00

So here's an example of how dirtynastygross the place is that i work in.

Today, a little after lunch time, a couple guys came in and set a small box on my desk and grinned at me. Immediately i was wary, not only because of the grin, but because the box had DANGER written on it.

Not very subtle, my boys.

"What is that?" i asked with great trepidation.

"It's our mascot!" they replied with great glee, and open the box with a flourish.

Inside...are not one...but TWO...baby rats.

*facepalm*

-----------------------------

Later....

i'm finding myself getting irritated very easily lately. i'll be just fine, and all of a sudden, i'm just fed up and ready to shitcan the whole world. i've been careful about taking my medicine, so i can only imagine that it's PMS. Fantastic. It's been very hard not to snap. =(

2007-06-07T18:41:00.001-06:00

Okay, so i kind of realized that i haven't been talking much about the stuff my little blurb talks about. Soooooooooo.....

slavery - *stares*

Actually, i feel okay with where i am now. In Gor, i'm blissful. At home, i'm just kind of doing what comes naturally, and not really over-thinking things. frog not thinking seems to be doing the trick. *snicker*

weightloss -

i've done really well this week food-wise, except that i downed a whole chinese dinner bymyfreakingself tonight. But, ees o-tay - i'm not discouraged, and i shall overcome. Just need to get my fatass moving.

Sex anyone?

polyamory - Okay, we're all aware that frog has a boyfriend and a wife. Yes? Good. i wish i could hand over some freak-ish drama, but...things are pretty stable right now. fish (the wife) is going through some personal issues which i am totally supportive of, and we see each other about every other week. i see Darrin all the damn time. *L*

and general hot-cha-cha - gheezus, i don't even know what that means. Was that me trying to be cool? Oy. Frog, shut up. You suck.

2007-06-04T17:40:00.000-06:00

Little Wonders - Rob Thomas

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don’t you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don’t mind
if it’s me you need to turn to
we’ll get by,
it’s the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

2007-05-30T18:13:00.001-06:00

8:41am

Okay, so. i haven't been doing the greatest with my "life-change." Of course the vacation was in there, and it's not like i've been gorging myself everyday...but i can definitely notice a change. i feel heavier, and not just weight-wise. i've been making okay decisions, but some of them could have been better. ALRIGHT. A lot better. Dammit.

i don't know if this has anything to do with it at all, but...a few days ago, i just really got sick of taking care of people. Sometimes i get this way - where it seems like everything i do, every word out of my mouth is to make sure others are okay, to make their days better, to do whatever i can for other people. And...well, i just got tired of it. No matter what i said, i felt like it was for someone else's benefit - placating someone, reassuring someone, making their mood better, etc. So maybe if i got sick of taking care of other people...maybe i got sick of taking care of myself and just kind of...put it on the back burner for a bit. i dunno. i don't feel hopeless, or like i've ruined my chances...but i know i need to get back on track.

i need help, but i don't know what kind of help i need.

2007-05-20T18:37:00.000-06:00

We had a great, great vacation. We timed it perfectly, leaving just when it was getting busy. We had an awesome condo to stay in, and Darrin had his first experience in a jacuzzi. *snickers* i wouldn't be surprised if i came home to one some day.

i think that i really needed the time away - not just from work, but to really reconnect with Darrin since our big breakdown. i feel like we're doing so much better, and i feel so good about where we are, and where we're going. We had so much fun together, and i fell in love with him all over again.

Beyond that...i wish i had something more interesting to say, but...alas, i am wordless. *chuckles* i'm ready to get back on track with my eating habits again. i bought the Volumetics book, but wasn't really impressed.

Tomorrow will be busy, as i've got payroll to do tomorrow, and after being gone for a week, i'll need to make sure everything is spot-on before noon.

2007-05-09T18:23:00.001-06:00

Tuesday - 7:04am

i kind of feel a little disgusted with myself. i've been eating alright, but i can't seem to get in the groove of exercising. Over the weekend, i took two two-mile walks, but i didn't do anything yesterday. i know i make excuses that i work long hours, i don't have time, etc...but i can't make excuses anymore if i want to make changes. If i really want to change my life, excuses are not going to cut it anymore.

3:48pm

i'm beginning to wonder if i should be so diligent about the "numbers." Counting calories, weighing myself, etc. Part of me is wondering if that is actually hindering my progress. i almost feel like it's a crutch - i can eat whatever i want, as long as i stay within the prescribed number of calories. This change isn't about numbers for me - i really have no "goal weight" or anything. So why am i putting so much emphasis on it? i know it's important information, but...is it being helpful in actually changing my HABITS? i don't know. And then, of course, i wonder if that's just me trying to justify not keeping track anymore because i feel like it's too much work. Meh. =(

Wednesday - 10:31am

Darrin and i went for another walk last night, and i had a really good salad for dinner. That helped me feel better about how things were going. i did weigh myself just out of curiousity this morning, and i was at 257. Not bad, really. i need to think of a really good reward that i can give myself when i hit 30 pounds. i think i want to wait until i hit and maintain 30 pounds - maybe for a week? And then reward myself. It's only 4 more pounds, and Darrin and i are going walking again tonight.

i heard a song on the radio on the way into work this morning (at the asscrack of dawn) that said "You love me, but you don't know me..." That kind of got my mind wandering. i don't know that i could answer the question of "Who are you?" i've got a few general ideas, but i don't have specific answers as to who i am. It also made me wonder who i am to other people. Anyway - random thought.

2007-05-07T17:46:00.000-06:00

Tuesday - 1:33PM

i actually tried to do a little reading last night from "The End of Diets: Healing Emotional Hunger." i can't seem to just sit down and read it, it seems like i have to go in spurts because it makes me cry. How girly is that?

Anyway...there was a quote at the beginning of one of the chapters (not like i read that many) that said something along the lines of "The thing in your life that you deny the most holds the most power in your life." i'm not exactly sure of the exact wording, but it was something like that. And it's true...the thing that i am most afraid of at any given time is the reality for me.

For instance: when i was certain that i would never be the slave i dream to be, when the thought terrified me and kept me up at night that i would never realize this growing part of me - it was true. i wasn't being the slave i could be, certainly not the slave i am now (small part that it is). i was taking actions that drove people away from that side of me because of my fear. i guess a part of me felt like i was taking measures to protect what felt very fragile and vulnerable to me by forcing people away from it.

For instance x2: This one is a more subvert, and therefore more scary to me. Food holds great power in my life. i didn't realize this until very recently, and now i struggle with it more than i care to admit. Sounds dramatic, doesn't it? i wish i didn't struggle, but i do, and i need to acknowledge it before i can succeed against it. i never knew what i was doing with my relationship to food, and now, it's gotten me into a place i don't want to be. Yes, i'm 28 pounds away from that place, but i have a long, long way to go.

i could go on a diet and loose the weight. i know i could. But i need to change my behaviors, and that's what is scary. It's like...food is comfortable, you know? Why should i not be comfortable? But i also know that being comfortable isn't allowing me any growth...at least mentally speaking. =/

Wednesday - 9:35am

Last night as i was driving, i was hit rather suddenly with exhaustion. By the time i got home, i was definitely feeling it - Darrin said i was acting strange. This morning, i am in a funk i can't seem to get out of. Usually when i come to work, those feelings disappear because i can focus my mind on other things. But today...it's not working. i feel like i'm ready to burst into tears, while at the same time feeling oddly numb. i want to hide from every single person on the planet. i talked to Darrin earlier and he got so worried that i tried to play it down...but i don't think he bought it.

One shred of silver lining...i'm not hungry.

Monday - 3:30pm

Wednesday i ended up leaving work early, and i took a mental health day on Thursday. i felt better after that, and had a good weekend. Right now, i'm in the process of booking our vacation. =)

2007-04-30T17:00:00.000-06:00

7:05am

i made an effort to be pretty today.

i just deleted a few self-deprecating remarks - way to go me.

Anyway...i got my hair done on Friday, so i took time to "do" it this morning. i also put on a blouse i bought on Saturday while Darrin and i were out shopping. i got a steal - about 80 bucks worth of stuff for $46. i got two blouses, two tanktops, and a supercute pair of patent leather Mary Jane style high heels. i was a little more careful with my makeup, i even put on lipgloss. O.o

Yesterday my slave was aching. Something nudged it awake, and i spent most of the night lost in that world. i even found myself doing little things with Darrin - like when we sat down for supper, his plate was made first, and i waited until he said something before i started eating. It just came natural - and as i was waiting, i was wondering why i was doing it...and a voice in my head said "Because you want to, stupid!" So, yeah.

The things i dream about...are extreme. i know now that it's impossible to jump into those waters and not expect to drown. But maybe with all the little things, i can wade into those waters.

Later...

i totally resisted Chinese food for dinner. *flex*

2007-04-26T18:08:00.001-06:00

6:33am

It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
- Bon Jovi "It's My Life"

Heard that song on the radio this morning, and it just seemed appropriate for the changes i've been making.

i'm feeling better, though i still feel a little fragile. i felt better after talking to Darrin yesterday morning, and i mentioned to him that it seemed so strange that i lived in that state for so long. i really don't want to be that person anymore.

i really need a vacation. i realized recently that i haven't taken time off for 2 years...since i started this job. i can feel it starting to get to me. Darrin and i are planning a little getaway, going to up the Wisconsin Dells. i'm excited, because we've never really gone on a vacation before.

i actually feel like i'm getting a deeper understanding of Darrin. It sort of makes me a little sad, because i feel like after almost 5 years, i should already know these things. But we've had a lot of conversations, and he's been able to really talk to me more, and i'm realizing that...well, that he's not as clueless as i thought. =/

2007-04-25T17:56:00.001-06:00

6:36am

i'm not sure how i'm feeling yet today...sometimes i think i'm feeling better, but other times not. It was extremely hard to get out of bed this morning...

Happy Administrative Professionals Day to me - and anyone else out there.

2007-04-24T18:08:00.000-06:00

6:54am

Everyday is so wonderful...
Then suddenly...it's hard to breathe...
- Christina Aquilera

With how good everything has been going, i'm almost ashamed to write this. i feel...not sad, not upset...just...dull. i want to curl up against something much stronger than me and hide. i know that nothing happened to cause this...it's just a cycle, i'm sure, and it will pass just as it came.

That's always been why this aspect of me is so frustrating. i have no reason to be like this. There's nothing i can blame this on except myself - no abuse in my childhood, no traumatic events, no drug use or anything. It's. All. Me. i had a therapist once tell me that i was the most clear-cut case of a true chemical imbalance that she'd ever seen. i said thanks. =/

It will go away...i'm not hopeless. i need to just...ride it out, and come out the other side. So i have a bad day...big deal. So i want to sleep for a few days...okay. i need to take care of myself and listen to my body, and if it gets to the point where it begins to become a problem, then i can start worrying. One bad day = no worry. 5 bad days = worry. Sleeping for a day = no worry. Sleeping for 5 days = worry.

So...pardon me while i burrow.

Later:

i'm struggling. Please, just let it go away. i don't want to be like this, i want to be how i was before.

2007-04-23T17:26:00.001-06:00

7:03am

"The high note is not the only thing." - Placido Domingo

i had a good weekend. =) Friday Darrin and i went out to a nice lunch, and then shopping for my mom's birthday and for groceries. It was fun, and we talked more about how things are going between us. It's nice to have those lines of communication open again, and i'm really grateful that he's not holding a grudge or anything like that. It sounds incredibly sappy, but we both said we were the lucky ones...so we decided that he'll keep on showing me how he's lucky, and i'll keep showing him how i'm lucky, and we'll both feel better. *L* Silly, i know.

Saturday we celebrated my mom's birthday - i made her cry, which makes me the champion. *flex* Before anyone asks...my sister and i have a little unofficial contest to see who can make mom cry. Not bad tears, but good ones...like when nice things are said, or she gets something thoughtful or sweet. So, yay me.

Sunday i was cramping pretty badly, but Darrin and i spent most of the day outside doing yardwork. i know, right? i did yardwork! i even have blisters!

Today's quote struck me, because this weekend really was full of all the good little things that make up everything else besides the high note.

2007-04-19T22:24:00.000-06:00

6:49am - Wednesday

To be yourself is all that you can do
- Audioslave "Be Yourself"

Yeah.

Y'know...it's been a long time since i've felt like myself. Such a long time that i forgot what me felt like. i lost touch, stopped calling or writing, and took myself off my own mailing list. As i think back, i believe it's been ever since that first panic attack, 9 and a half years ago.

It makes me wonder...have i been so far away from myself that the people i've met have met...someone not me? i mean...obviously they have, but will my relationships change as i become more and more myself?

Confession time...

i haven't been doing very well with the food issue. i haven't been gorging or anything, but i definitely could be doing better. Maybe i need to go back to recording everything i consume, and adding in the calories. i know that when i was doing that, i felt very conscious of what i would have to record, so maybe that will help. i've gained a few pounds - nothing serious, and i know that it's because i'll be getting my period this week, so i'm a weebloatedfrog. i need to begin making better decisions, and nothing is going to do that for me.

7:03am - Thursday

i think i did better yesterday with the food stuff. i lost a pound, so that's good. i'm going to start doing two things before i eat anything - first, drink water...and second, ask myself if i'm really hungry, or if i'm feeling something else that i think food will help (being lonely, being happy, being irritated, etc...). i'm going to try to introduce myself to my emotions and have a sit-down with them.

It's...i don't know, a little overwhelming to me how invasive the effect food has on me has become. i never noticed it before, but...i feel like my eyes have never really been open before, either. i connect comfort with food...celebration with food...grieving with food. i need to change my connection with food...need to realize that it's just fuel, nothing more. i need to find other ways to connect with feelings.

2007-04-17T17:39:00.000-06:00

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone
I'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

I've got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
I've got a right to be wrong
Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

You're entitled to your opinion
But it's really my decision
I can't turn back I'm on a mission
If you care don't you dare blur my vision
Let me be all that I can be
Don't smother me with negativity
Whatever's out there waiting for me
I'm going to faced it willingly

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
Flesh and blood to the bone
See, I'm not made of stone
I've got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

- Joss Stone "Right To Be Wrong"

i heard this song this morning and i was struck at how well it fits me right now. i really do feel like i can finally breathe, like i've stripped off a heavy, oozy sludge from myself. Don't get me wrong - i know that the only person to blame for that ooze is myself. But...i'm really proud that i'm turning my life around, and i feel very good about the way things are going.

2007-04-16T17:55:00.000-06:00

Okay...who's all wondering what kind of day i had?

Tsk...liar, liar...you wouldn't be here if you didn't care, silly...

Thanks for caring. i had a good day. =)

2007-04-12T16:33:00.001-06:00

6:37am

i am moving forward. i am tired of being broken - there isn't much glory in exerting control over something that is kept broken. i feel nostalgic, but calm. i feel ready. i feel able to look at my past objectively, and remember the lessons from it, and not live in it. i feel ready to -not- be broken.

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live

- Switchfoot "Meant To Live"

i lost myself, but i'm finding me again - and i'm meant for so much more than what i've been in the past.

Thanks, jewels. =)

2007-04-11T18:08:00.000-06:00

7:05am - Tuesday

You know...i really am grateful for everything that has happened. Every fear, every moment of walking on eggshells, every delirious pleasure, every state of confusion. i'm grateful for everything, because i feel like i've learned from them. i can't pick and choose what to be grateful for, because it's all helped me. i've learned what is healthy for me, what kinds of people i need to surround myself with, what kind of behaviors are detrimental to me. i have to remember (but not wallow in!) the bad things, so that i can adjust my aim and move in a better direction.

i really feel like i'm doing so much better. People have noticed when i talk to them that i just seem...well, brighter. i think that was the word used.

It's actually sort of interesting to me now...because i can see people falling back into negative behaviors. Not that i'm any kind of judge, but i can just recognize them now, and it gives me insight into those people.

Like Alanis says...i'm tired of being so masochistic. i'm tired of putting myself in such harmful experiences just because it's attention. i'm tired of putting my life aside for people that don't care about it, and use my loyalty as blackmail. i'm tired of hurting myself and beating myself up over and over and over again because i'm not a model of perfection. i'm tired of hiding behind my body. i'm tired of protecting my most inner being. i'm tired of being so selfish, and i'm tired of feeling guilty.

So i'm not gonna. i've got a good circle of people around me now, and i'm going to do everything in my power to give just as much as i'm receiving.

So if you're reading this, and you're smiling...i'm grateful for you.

Yep, even you.

8:26am - Wednesday

i forgot to pick up my prescription yesterday, and so i've been without happy pills for 2 days. i can definitely feel it today - i'm irritable and hermit-ish. i feel quite disgusted with myself, actually.

Later...

Not so disgusted with myself anymore...now i'm more disgusted with other people. All of a sudden, it's all blatantly clear just how...stupid i was for even involving myself with them.

2007-04-10T18:13:00.000-06:00

How painfully honest can i be?

i've started reading a book called "The End Of Diets: Healing Emotional Hunger".

Hi. i'm an emotional eater.

i feel like...have you ever forced yourself to stand in front of the mirror, no matter how grossed out you felt, no matter how disgusted, no matter that you KNEW that if anyone was on the other side of the mirror, THEY'D be disgusted too?

Hi.

i'm pulling at my band-aids with agonizing slowness, revealing the pink, wounded flesh beneath. It's healing, but it's raw...and it hurts.

And it has everything to do with food...and the one thing i somehow can never bear to sit down with. my own emotions.

i relate food to comfort. Ice cream makes me happy. Macaroni and cheese soothes me. When i panic, i reach. When i cry, i reach. When i celebrate, i reach.

*takes a moment*

Why...can't i be alone with my emotions? Why do i have this...abusive relationship with myself?

2007-04-09T19:52:00.001-06:00

Thank You - Alanis Morrissette

How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm full up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

2007-04-09T19:11:00.001-06:00

7:49am

i hate Mondays. Everyone seems intent upon making my life crap the moment i walk in the door.

Bleh.

i finally got up this morning and did my exercise. Woot! This weekend i got to go out walking - on Friday with Darrin, and Saturday with fish. i think i might just drive over to the track in town after work and walk a couple laps before going home, too.

Things are continuing to get better at home, too. Not only with Darrin, but with fish too. i'm feeling really good - not really content because i want to keep moving forward, but happy with the direction things are going right now. i feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. =)

2007-04-05T19:57:00.001-06:00

6:44am

i went home last night and had a really good talk with Darrin. i told him everything that had been going on, why i was in such a bad place for so long, and how that's all gone now. We talked about D/s stuff, about poly stuff, about general us stuff. What was so nice was that he was actually -talking- to me, he was just letting stuff come out instead of worrying over every single word. We talked for about an hour, and then we just layed down and snuggled for the rest of the night. It felt really good to get it all out, and good that he was really talking to me. i told him that we need to do that more often, because that really is our downfall. i asked him if he'd thought about breaking up with me during that period, and he said that there was one particular night that he was close to throwing me out of the house. Can't blame him, really...and i told him that i had told my parents i might have to move in, and that i applied for jobs in the Quad Cities. He didn't get upset with anything i said, he listened and responded, and i did the same.

It was just...really, really good.

i did tell him that i was considering my Gor experience, and he did say that he was glad about the steps that i've already taken as far as Gor goes, but that he wasn't sure that leaving was what i needed. i told him that during that bad time, i was actually flip-flopping rt and rp. i was projecting what i wanted rt into rp - having human emotions and drawing things into my life, and what i wanted in rp into rt - expecting Darrin to be this "Owner" and not able to understand why he couldn't accomplish it. It wasn't fair to anyone involved, and i think just recognizing that has helped me immensely.