into the becoming

i went with Darrin today to vacuum and wash his car. We stopped at the grocery store on the way back, and as we were leaving i noticed that there were what i call "corn flakes" in the air - basically it's bits of corn leaves from the grain elevator a few blocks over. They were covering his newly washed car, and we were making jokes about it. Then i said, "Well, at least your car gets to sit in the garage!"

i sincerely meant it as a joke, but Darrin immediately got defensive about it. The subject has come up before - even though my car is newer and was more expensive, my car is the one that sits outside all year long, while Darrin's Trans Am and his car take up the double car garage.

i got irritated. Yeah, i got freaking irritated. i know that i'm supposed to be a slave and all, but dammit - he keeps spouting off these reasons why i should feel dumb for not feeling settled and for wanting to be married. How if he didn't really want me in the house he would have kicked me out years ago, blahblahblah. Fine. But when shit like this is thrown in my face, when he tells me that he considers me an EQUAL but so obviously gives less than a shit about MY things and makes me consider HIS things first - somewhere there's a communication break-down.

So right now? i AM feeling like a slave. i'm feeling like a taken-for-granted, forgotten-in-the-corner, convenient-when-needed slave. i feel like i trade room and board for buying groceries every week, paying the water bill, cable bill, internet bill and phone bills, cleaning the house (because OMG if he has to), doing his fucking laundry, and providing a pussy when he wants to fuck.