Wednesday

6:54am

" 'To be or not to be' is not the question - because you can't have one without the other!" - Alan Watts

i relaxed last night and spent time with Darrin. i talked a bit with fish about stuff related to my writing yesterday, and things became a bit more clear.

my thought this morning is that...well, i allowed all this to happen. i made those choices. No one can force me to do anything - everything is my choice. And that's what hurts. Why have i put myself through such horrible things? Why have i allowed myself to be used, to be hurt by bad people, people who didn't care a single iota about me? Do i truly think so little of myself?

Not anymore. It's not going to be easy...already i can see a vague outline of what i need to do, and it's going to be really, really hard. Breaking habits built over 9 years. But i can't afford to live like this anymore. i can't afford to keep giving and giving and giving and getting nothing in return to replace that growing empty space. i can't be swayed by promises and poems, because lies can come in the prettiest packages.

i won't stop living...no, not hardly. What i need to do is re-evaluate what i give and who i give it to.

And now, i'm going to delete a few numbers from my cell. =)

12:36pm

Darrin called me this morning, and we talked for a little bit about something that was bothering him. Basically, it sounds like pretty much the same things i've been realizing. He wants to talk more tonight, but it shouldn't be too bad. Really, it has to do with my whole issue with Gor...in that i was trying to force something on him that couldn't happen. i hope that him and i can really talk, and continue to really talk to each other, because that really is our biggest problem. Sometimes i forget that he has the same emotions that i do.

6:49am

Lots of thoughts going through my head on the drive in to work this morning.

i'm beginning to realize, i think, that i - Jennifer - am not and won't ever be a Gorean slave. It just ain't gonna happen. i would love to be held in that state, but it's just an impossibility. i think i've clung so hard to Gor because i wanted that fantasy to be reality. And that's just...well, it's dumb. i'm a human, a female, and even though i am totally and completely service-driven, there is a very real and human part of me that needs to have basic human needs met. i can't completely lose my sense of self.

i began to think about my involvement with Gor as a relationship - and i wondered why i was staying. What am i getting out of it? It sucks to think that way, but that's the truth of it.

i'm putting a lot of effort in caring about what these people think...and i shouldn't. i really, really shouldn't. Most of these people don't even know my name, and if they do, there are only one or two of them that really care about me. Why am i exerting so much energy trying to please these people? i've learned a very hard lesson lately that people will say whatever they can to get what they want out of you. Why should i put myself in that position?

i don't know if i need to go to the extreme of actually leaving - but i definitely need to re-evaluate.

Stupidshittycrapaholicday.

i STAPLED my fucking FINGER.

--------------------

i got my emotional eating books today. It seems like i have a lot to work on. And now...i'm wondering what my need to be involved with Gor is. i'm not liking what i'm uncovering so far...but i guess that's the beauty of it, in order to change, recognition must be made.

Foods eaten: Banana, grilled pork chop, apple, Special K Bar, grilled hamburger, cashews

Total caloric intake: 860

Exercise: 1/2 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2320

Current weight: 256

6:30am

i got a Newsweek in the mail yesterday, and it had letters and emails from soldiers who have died in Iraq. Some of the letters were written specifically to be given to family members after the soldier died. i was in awe...i can't even imagine that thought process. How do you decide that you're going to write a letter to your family so that they have something of you after you die? How do you handle knowing that you're going to die, and sitting down to write a letter like that? What kind of emotions go through you when you get home safely after writing a letter like that?

One of the family members' comments said that it was no longer about being pro or anti-Bush, or pro or anti-war. It was simply about supporting the soldiers. i think that's very true.

On a much lighter note, i totally pigged out on cashews last night, and i actually felt ill. i didn't eat anything "bad" yesterday, but binging on cashews isn't exactly what i need, either. i just...zone out when i eat like that. Maybe i should stop taking snacks into the living room, because i'll just stare at the TV like an ugly mess and forget about what i'm doing - i.e. stuffing myself stupid.

7:34pm

Okay...i just looked at the link midori gave me for Prevention Magazine. (midori, you sweet thing, thank you for caring so much!) According to that, i should probably be eating something around 1500 calories a day. Really, that's only about 500-600 more a day than i have now. i feel actually a little scared about doing that - probably because i don't feel like i've created good habits yet, and i'm not good at staying with the exercise. If i was stable on the exercise part, i could probably keep up with my loss as it's been with eating that much.

Maybe for now, i'll try to increase it to 1000 a day, and keep trying to get back on the right track with the exercise.

Monday - 8:15am

"I know that I know nothing." - Socrates

That is pretty much how i feel today. Not a derogatory put-down of myself, just an acknowledgement that i'm not intheknow of everythingintheUniverse.

More things to think about today after last night. i don't like what i've been showing others...and though i think i've been better about than i have in the past, it's still -there- and still not pretty.

my past is just that - my past. Experience to learn from, but not to live in. i know i struggle with this, and i can only hope that i can show how i am learning from it, and moving on.

i did have a good weekend...went on a date with fish on Friday night, and she spent the night. The best part of that (besides going to see "300" and drooling over manly Spartans for 2 hours...hominahomina...) was on Saturday morning, fish crawled into bed with Darrin and i. The three of us snuggled up in bed with me in the middle, and it was just...really nice.

The tension is also much better between Darrin and i. We had a little talk on Saturday about the "status" of things - he said that he felt like i was much calmer, much happier than he's seen me in a long time. i told him that i'd been caught up in a lot of things online that i didn't need to be, and that those things have gone away now - either by my doing, or by their own. i told him that i feel like i have much better things to concentrate on now, and that it feels like i'm taking steps to not let that part of me rule my life anymore.

Tuesday - 7:03am

i had a good night last night. =) i had a surprisingly different thought process about something, and it felt really good. Instead of torturing myself (which i'm so good at), i just...waited with a smile. Yay me.

This week i should hit 30 pounds lost. i'm at 256, and 253 will be 30 pounds. i really can't believe it...there are times when i can physically feel it, and i know that i definitely feel better all around. my clothes are definitely fitting better, and people are starting to say nice things about it. Both fish and Darrin have said that i'm much different than i was before. i know that i can tell a difference when i eat heavier things...i -feel- heavier, and fish said that i have more personality now. She said that i used to be sluggish, and kind of monotone, which i can definitely see.

1:37pm

i want a donut so bad. =( i actually got up to get one, but someone came in at that same time. So now, i'm eating carrots like they're going out of style. GRRR. i was thinking to myself, why can't i just stop wanting the stuff that's bad for me? And i realized that there are probably a lot of people who feel the same way, with other kinds of addictions. i'm not addicted by a long shot, but the temptation is definitely there. So far, i am strong.

Just don't tell anyone i had Chinese food for dinner last night. O.o

i ordered two books about emotional eating, as a reward to myself.

Does that seem weird?

Foods eaten: Banana, grilled pork chop, green beans, Special K Bar, tilapia stuffed with shrimp and herbs, cottage cheese, cashews

Total caloric intake: 905

Exercise: 1/2 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2320

Current weight: 256

6:58am

i'm feeling introspective today. my thoughts are going all over the place...not bad things, just things. i don't feel upset or panicky, just...more quiet and thoughtful.

i can't really place what i'm thinking about, though. Right now, all i have are images, flashes of places and people in my head.

Someone did tell me last night that keeping my calorie count at 800 everyday was dangerous...i know that it could be, but right i feel okay with it. i'm not tired during the day, i don't really get hungry...my plan is to increase my calorie intake once i get in the habit of a normal exercise routine. i hoped to be able to do that by summer (July/August). i'm (obviously) not loosing weight at a rapid pace anymore - this morning i was down to 256. It's hard to imagine that two months ago i was 283. It's really only 27 pounds, but it seems like such a huge difference. i got compliments yesterday at work, and i'm able to wear clothes i haven't been able to in awhile.

Foods eaten: Banana, soup, yogurt, green beans, Special K bar, grilled pork chop, cottage cheese, cashews, 100 calorie snack pack

Total caloric intake: 815

Exercise: 1/2 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2329

Current weight: 257

Foods eaten: Special K Bar, banana, grilled chicken strips, green beans, yogurt, grilled fish, cottage cheese, cashews, 100 calorie pack snack

Total caloric intake: 845

Exercise: 1 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2474

Current weight: 258

7:29am

Sooooo i went to the doctor yesterday. i didn't go expecting some grand diagnosis or anything, and i didn't get one. Pretty much, the doctor agreed with me that it was a combination of the antibiotics and the sudden weight loss that was causing it. He wants to see what happens after this week, since i am supposed to get my regular period at the end of the week. He thinks that it should dissipate after that. i've got my fingers crossed. i know that i've been feeling better the past few days.

i feel -really- good this morning...really hopeful. For some reason, i wanted to wear pink today, so i am...and i'm in a good mood. i'm back down to 258, i did a good job yesterday with my food intake. i'm still not exercising, but once i get better i will be.

So...yay. frog feels good.

Foods eaten: Special K Bar, banana, soup, cottage cheese, yogurt, cashews, grilled chicken strips, green beans, and 100 calorie pack

Total caloric intake: 795

Exercise: 1/2 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2234

Current weight: 262


6:28am - Thursday

"Only one who makes no attempt to possess it cannot lose it." - Lao-Tsu

Hm. That brings up a lot of questions...

Does possession automatically mean loss? i suppose in a way it does. Everything goes away in the end, really - through changes inherant to nature or death.

i'm thinking about how this relates to slavery...cause...well, that's what i do.

One will never loose a slave They do not possess. Well, okay - that's easy enough to understand. But on the other side...i definitely know the sense of loss related to slavery, so does that mean that i have possessed something? i haven't possessed someONE, that's for sure...but i guess no matter what, slaves do possess basic human emotions. So the loss i felt was related to the emotions i had.

So...slaves cannot possess anything material, but what kind of slave would they be without emotions? What kind of slave would Someone master, if there were nothing there to master? Can emotions of a slave be possessed by another? That i'm not sure of...i know first hand the intensity of those feelings, and my body can be possessed. But my emotions? my first instinct is to say that i freely give my emotions, but i also believe that emotions can be trainable, and isn't that a form of possession in itself? If i do give over my emotions to someone else, how much is truly possessed?

7:03am - Monday

"Nothing will work unless you do." - Maya Angelou

Ain't that the damn truth.

i spent the weekend doing a whole lot of nothing, and eating a whole lot of everything. i didn't hurt as badly as i have been, mostly because i was able to lay down when it got painful. Last night though, i started to have this ache...it's kind of like a cross between cramps and being nauseous. Still have it this morning, so we'll see.

i got a little upset on Saturday, because fish told me she had sex with Ted. That's not the upsetting part - what was upsetting to me was the fact that i haven't had any in so long, and i kind of felt like...it's all because there's something wrong with me. Untouchable frog. Anyway.

9:45am

my moods are really going haywire with all this bleeding. Thursday i was so irritated i actually cried when i was trying to express my frustration to Darrin on the phone. i turned my phone off on Thursday night, and didn't turn it back on until yesterday. i didn't want to talk to anyone, look at anyone, HEAR anyone. i felt better on Friday, and then got all mauldin and crappy on Saturday. i started crying because Darrin wanted to go out with his friends, and i felt like i was so boring, i felt horrible that i wasn't more entertaining to him. Bleh.

Foods eaten: banana, soup, cottage cheese, yogurt, turkey breast wrap, chips, lemonade, 3 cookies and cashews

Total caloric intake: 855 + whatever the cookies were

Exercise: 1/2 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2070

Current weight: 259

6:29am

Although the wind
blows terribly here,
the moonlight also
leaks through the holes
in the roof
of this ruined house.

- Shibiku

Now...i know i'm not ruined. Sometimes i feel like i am, but logically i know that i'm not...but that poem really, really connects with something in me. Maybe it's because sometimes i feel ruined...especially lately, with the bleeding and the issues regarding past friendships. The poem makes me...quietly hopeful. Not really sad...more like...contemplating the holes. i can see an image of me touching them, examining them, seeing how big they are and how much damage was done. But there's still moonlight coming through, my little shaft of light in the Oubliette.

i've thought about writing letters to people...but i think it's best to just let things lie. i think the best thing to do is learn the lessons from this experience, and turn it into something positive...which is what i hope they are doing as well.

1:45pm

The tiredness hit me much earlier today, around 10:30 this morning. So far i've been good, though - no snacks or anything. i might stop and get Subway tonight, if i have the money for it, because i can get a meal for 370 calories. That is a Turkey breast wrap with American cheese and light mayo, "Light" Lays chips, and a lemonade.

Foods eaten: peanut butter crackers, cookies, cottage cheese, yogurt, carrots, M&M's, Cheerios, cashews

Total caloric intake: i fucking lost count.

Exercise: 1/2 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2070

Current weight: 259

Yesterday:

7:23am

"Make your mind empty. Right there is the Buddha!" - Zen saying

So...still bleeding. It seemed to taper off some on Friday, but came back with a vengence. i can tell that it's not only making me tired (out of 72 hours in the weekend, i slept for 40), but it's affecting my moods as well. i'm alternating between too exhausted to feel anything, to feeling everything at once and getting all emotional. Which is exhausting in and of itself. Bleh.

i've been contemplating my mantra..."When the slave is ready, the Master will find her." And i figured...i'm not going to be ready until i find myself. i know i'm in the process of finding myself, so that's promising. i guess i can say that i'm found...but i'm not really sure what to do with it all yet.

Yay.

1:10pm

Have an appointment to see gyno on next Monday. i guess if it gets too bad, i'll just go up to the clinic or something, though i'm not really sure what all they can do for me.

i was doing pretty good this morning, but i'm wearing down now. i feel better after eating, but now all i want to do is nap. Stoopid bleeding frog.

Today:

6:32am

"We're all in this together - by ourselves." - Lily Tomlin

i was thinking (dwelling) on some things this morning on the drive to work. i was feeling bad, feeling sad and angry and lonely. But you know what? i'm getting TIRED of feeling that way. i'm getting tired of being MADE to feel that way. i'm not less of a person, i'm not less of a slave, i'm just different. i care about people i have relationships with, i don't just use them for my own gain. i make efforts to reach out, to let people know that i care. i can't just put people aside, without thought to their feelings.

So you know what? i'm done. i can't change the past - it's done, and i can't change people's minds. At this point, i don't think i'd even want to. If i continue the way i am, i'm going to go nowhere real fast...and i don't really want to go to nowhere. i've got a lot of good things in my life that i need to concentrate on, things that are healthy and positive and not related to drama in any form.

i was listening to the Evanescence song "Good Enough" on the drive here, and i realized that i really need to be "good enough" for myself. i think i'm getting there, definitely after this morning.

Speaking of...no more excuses, ms. frog. Stick to your plan, stick to your goal, and you'll be a happier, healthier person. You know you can already feel a difference, so keep at it.

11:38am

Well, i didn't. i felt so sick because i was hungry this morning, i broke down and went to the vending machine and got peanut butter crackers and cookies. i didn't NEED to, because i have things to eat here that would have been much better for me. i feel so crappy...last night i had chinese food for dinner, and i haven't exercised in the mornings at all. Ack, i feel so guilty just admitting that, even here. i am suck-frog.

5:01pm

A co-worker told me that his daughter recently got diagnosed with cervical cancer, and one of her symptoms was bleeding like mine.

i had a bag of M&M's.

6:55am

Last night i finally got to see midori - poor thing is working her tail off. It was so great to talk to someone who understood me. i heart midori! she really is such a positive influence, her presence is very calming and soothing to me. she's such a wonderful, beautiful person, a really gorgeous slave. i want to be midori when i grow up. =)

Yesterday was...oy. i got really, really tired and really irritable - mostly because i've had my period for 2 weeks. i don't think it's because of my lifestyle changes, because my period was normal before. It all changed when i got sick, so i'm thinking that maybe the antibiotics had something to do with it. Either way, i wish it would quit. It was weird, i had my period normally, and then a day and a half or two days later, it started all over again, with the cramps and heavy flow and everything.

Okay, raise your hand if you were grossed out by that. heh.

So, i left work at 4 and went home. i grabbed Subway for dinner on the way home, because i was just not in the mood for cooking at all - but i did really good, actually. i had a Turkey Breast wrap with American cheese and light mayo, a package of chips ("Light" Lays), and a lemonade. All-together, it ended up being 350 calories, and i was well under my 800 limit for the day. It wasn't the best choice, i know - but i'm okay with it.

i actually went to bed at about 6:30 last night. Got up for a little while to talk to midori, and ended up falling asleep about 9. i was watching a TLC show about conjoined twins, and the show that was on after that was the "I Eat 33,000 Calories A Day" show. Sooooo, i turned it off. Didn't really wanna see that. Again. Those shows are helpful to me, but i get so upset by them, and i really didn't need that last night.

i feel alright this morning, so hopefully the irritability is gone.

3:22pm

So tired. i feel completely drained. And i don't have any work to distract me at the moment. i've had a handful of M&M's. =( But i'm not bitch-frog again...just super tired.

midori...i miss you too. *hug*

Foods eaten: banana, yogurt, soup, turkey breast wrap, chips, lemonade and cashews.

Total caloric intake: 750

Exercise: 30 mins on bike, 1/2 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2711

Current weight: 258

6:33am

"Yao-shan was sitting quietly in cross-legged meditation when a monk asked him, "In this immovable position, what are you thinking?"

"Thinking of that which is beyond thinking," said Yao.

"How do you go on thinking that which is beyond thinking?" pressed the monk.

"By not-thinking." - Zen Mondo

Yesterday on my way home, i saw a herd of at least 15-20 deer grazing in a cornfield no more than 100 yards away from the highway. It was beautiful to see, but it's also a bit scary...if they are grazing so close to the highway, that means they are more likely to CROSS the highway. Deer + car = dead frog.

i've only hit a deer once in my life, and i got extremely lucky...i actually hit two of them at once (can't help it, i'm an overachiever), but the one bounced off the other, and the other ended up catching under my car instead of crashing through my windshield. my little Saturn L200 has been dubbed "The Deerslayer." =/

i did notice something interesting yesterday. i've been a little...emotional lately, but ever since i started this new life, i've almost switched my reactions around. For instance...before (and still sometimes now, it's a hard habit to break), when i would get emotional, i would eat. Comfort foods for me are things like...macaroni and cheese. Rice. Pancakes, muffins, cake...those are the things i have cravings for now. But now...like yesterday, i was pretty emotional - and i didn't eat a damn thing until noon. And even then, i felt nauseous. i didn't even think about food, other than a passing thought that i should eat my banana - but i got busy and forgot.

i saved today's Zen quote because i often need to remember that. i get too bogged down in the thinking, the processing, the considering. Often i'll discover things even if i don't spend time thinking about it, or at least not actively thinking about it...so i need to do a little "not-thinking"...especially now.

Interesting. i took a Myers-Briggs personality test, and here's my result:



Some interesting snippits:

"ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life."

"ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them."

"Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don't expect them to jump in after you. You can count on them, however, run and get the nearest authority figure.)"

Foods eaten: banana, yogurt, soup, pickles, lemon and herb tilapia, cottage cheese, cashews

Total caloric intake: 780

Exercise: 30 mins on bike, 1/2 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2711

Current weight: 260

6:40am

"Your soul isn't in your body; your body is in your soul!" - Alan Watts

i had a really long talk with someone last night. i was really, really upset by something that i'd read...and she was the right person to reach out to.

Y'know...i've done some crappy things. i know that. But i would hope that people around me would know that those things were mistakes, not malicious. If this is way it's meant to be, then that's the way it's meant to be. i'd like to, but i don't think i can change it...so i need to make peace with it.

And actually, i take a great deal of comfort from the fact that the person who wrote what i was hurt by is actually doing something very, very positive for themselves. There's absolutely no way i can find any fault with that at all...i just miss my friend, that's all. So, i feel both good and bad about all of this. Bad, because i think the worst is being believed of me by people who should know better (ah, but the $64,000 question is whether or not i've given them enough good things TO know better...), but good because someone i care about is really turning their life around in a positive way.

Plus...i can't ignore how i feel, either. i can't just push all of that aside and try to make everyone like me. If i feel like i've been taken for granted, that i've been used, that i've been making all the effort and receiving nothing in return, well...that's something i need to consider.

9:02am

From fish:

"Yeah, you can only work to change yourself." - in response to me ruminating on fixing myself or fixing others.

4:34pm

Okay, so i've been thinking about my daily Zen quote up there, and i'll admit: for awhile, i just couldn't wrap my head around it. How is my BODY in my SOUL? WTF? i think, though, that i started to get it. As long as your soul doesn't have a finite form, as long as it isn't constrained by a "holding cell" so to speak, then your soul can move beyond your body - not so much in a new-age-out-of-body-experience kind of way, but in more of an all-encompassing kind of way. Like...your soul can consist of your environment, your surroundings. So...okay. Random philosophical-frog.

And...on a "i am a GOD" note...i spent 10 hours today no more than 18 inches away from 4 opened boxes of Girl Scout cookies...and i didn't eat a single one.

Not. A. Single. One.

i forced everyone who came within screeching distance to eat them all. Heh.

Foods eaten: banana, yogurt, soup, 100 calorie snack pack, pretzels, tilapia stuffed with shrimp and herbs, cottage cheese, cashews

Total caloric intake: 875

Exercise: 30 mins on bike, 1 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2572

Current weight: 260

8:07am

"In studying the Way, realizing it is hard; once you have realized it, preserving it is hard. When you can preserve it, putting it into practice is hard." - Zen saying

Amen to that.

i had a good weekend...i think. It ended weird. fish came over, and we went to a Women's Health and Lifestyle Fair. Did you know that the key to women's health is jewelry? Apparently it is, from the amount of jewelry booths that were there. We also went to see "Black Snake Moan" which was really good. Got to hang out with my sister (Goon) a lot too, which was nice.

When fish left yesterday, she was upset...when i asked her what was wrong, she just said "I'm starving." So...i know she depends on me to feed her other side, and i felt bad. i felt horribly bad, and i just kind of spiraled into badness for the rest of the night. There were a few people online that...well, it's probably a good thing they didn't message me.

i just...i can't do sex lately. i can do it with myself, obviously, but...whenever Darrin or fish touches me in a potentially sexual way, i just freeze. i actually feel disgusted, and it's so overpowering that it shuts me down. i'm not disgusted by them...i'm disgusted that it's me they are touching. i get disgusted with the body that they are touching. It's like...i don't want them to dirty themselves.

8:33am

Food-wise, i did okay this weekend. At least, i don't feel discouraged about the mistakes i did make. i think that's important, and having the support system that i do have is helping me out a great deal.

Foods eaten: banana, black bean soup and bread, popcorn, 100 calorie snack pack, grilled chicken, cottage cheese, green beans and cashews

Total caloric intake: 935

Exercise: walked for FOREVER

Calories burned: 974

Current weight: 258

Foods eaten: grilled chicken strips, 1 slice of mozzarella cheese, salad with cauliflower, sunflower seeds, ranch dressing and hard-boiled egg, frozen yogurt.

Total caloric intake: 835

Exercise: shopping, housework

Calories burned: 1069

Current weight: 258

258. That means that i have officially lost 5 pounds since yesterday, AND i've officially lost 25 pounds, which is officially HALF of my year-long goal of loosing 50 pounds.

Holy crap.

fish is here, and we're having a weekend of fun to make up for a week of crap. i feel like we've been having some really good conversations lately, and tonight was no different.

Foods eaten: banana, pork chop, cottage cheese, grilled chicken strips, rice

Total caloric intake: 795

Exercise: office work, 1/2 mile walk, 30 minutes on bike

Calories burned: 2456

Current weight: 263

6:45am

"Breathing in, be one with your own breath. Breathing out, be one with your own breath." - Instructions on Sitting

well, that quote is appropriate today, because i did a little bit of reading yesterday. i think i might be what is called an "emotional eater", confusing the comforting sensations of food with feeling better. i'm not really an overeater, because i don't eat all the time...i just eat inappropriate food at inappropriate times.

So, i think i need to do a bit of research on that, before my situation becomes too bad to fix. i know that i am overweight, but again - my situation is fixable. i'm not incapasitated by my weight, i'm not bedridden or disabled because of my weight. i have been able to lose 20 pounds so far. So, i think now is the time to do something before i realize one of my two greatest fears - being the 1 ton woman.

i've got my eye on a few books from Amazon, and i think that i need to concentrate on finding other things to focus on when i get struck with urges. Meditation, working out, even simple things like removing myself from close proximity to food or taking a nap.

i need to also remember that while i need to stay diligent to my plan, i have to realize that...well, that deviations from the plan do not mean failure. If i stay constant to my plan, there will be room for additions - especially once i begin increasing my workouts. i don't have to be limited from the food i love for the rest of my life - i just have to realize that the foods i love aren't the best for my system, but once my system is healthier and able to more easily process those foods, i can indulge once in awhile. What i need to be careful of is making sure that the indulgences don't come too soon, and too close together. i was living a life of indulgences, and look where it got me.

So, once again, for my continued pounding-into-the-brain, here is my plan:

- Eat mainly fruits, vegetables, and leans meats. Additions can include "natural foods" - eggs, nuts, and also some bread, cheese, and low-calorie soups and yogurt.

- Drink mainly water, with tea and fruit juices added in.

- Exercise at least 30 minutes a day of concentrated, continuous increased heart rate. i may increase that to 1 hour a day, broken up into two sessions, once i get re-acclimated to the exercise after being sick.

- Keep calories to 800 or less each day.

- Eat smaller things more frequently during the day to boost metabolism.

- Do not eat past 7:30pm.

- Continue to work on ways to curb cravings until they go away (which they will, right?).

9:27am

If i'm having problems, and i think about all the people that want me to succeed, and how i don't want to disappoint them...is that a good practice to use for curbing my cravings? i'm not sure. It smacks of a guilt trip, and i don't really want to go there...

9:42am

Email from fish:

"Is it guilt? Or, is it simply external motivation? People want you to succeed because they love you. Love as a motivator isn't the same thing as guilt, I don't think. You could turn that into a PART of your motivation because you love them, too. But the bulk of your motivation has to come from within. An external motivator will not sustain you for the long haul. "

Foods eaten: banana, yogurt, soup, pear, pork chop, cottage cheese, dinner roll

Total caloric intake: 990

Exercise: office work, 1/2 mile walk, 30 minutes on bike

Calories burned: 2461

Current weight: 263

6:29am

i got up this morning and did my full workout. i really didn't want to, but i did it. i thought about even breaking it up in half, but i did the whole thing. And today, i'm going to dig myself in and eat what i'm supposed to be eating...instead of everything else on the planet. =/

If i want to continue to loose weight, this is what i have to do. Period. No waffling (Mmm....waffles...), no hedging, no "this one little thing won't hurt me." This is what i have to do.

7:31am

"Someone who is addicted to eating is actually starving on an emotional and spiritual level. Her longing for food is a longing for emotional and spiritual nourishment." - Eating in the Light of the Moon: How Women Can Transform Their Relationship With Food Through Myths, Metaphors & Storytelling by Anita A. Johnston PhD.

*blink*

i need to come back to this.

3:27pm

Okay, so. Am i starved? Looking back...and looking at everything that changed and that i realized over that one weekend this all started...yeah, i think i am. And i think that i'm able to (somewhat) control that now because i'm aware of it now and making changes.

That's a pretty big thing to realize, actually.

6:36am

"Infinitely more important that the answers are the questions, the choice of them, the inner form of them." - Oswald Spengler

Well, Oswald is definitely right there. i know that i ask myself a lot of questions, and sometimes i don't get answers but just asking the questions themselves sometimes makes me feel better. Sometimes the most important thing is just being aware, not having the answers. i know i feel like i'm definitely more aware now...

i weighed in at 263 again this morning. i really want to be able to workout again, but at the moment that's kind of impossible...the one space i had to workout in is being taking up by a sofabed, because fish is staying over. Maybe i can do it at nights instead...all i know is, it feels really strange to want to exercise.

9:06am

Feeling kind of mopey today. i did just find out that fish has power now, so i'll have my workout space back. i'm sure this mopeyness is because of my period - it's all out of whack because of the antibiotics i was taking. Meh.

9:58am

Ohholygeez, i'm so hungry. DAMMIT. i feel like i could eat everything in sight. Someone just gave me a bite-size Snicker to shut me up. =(

1:40pm

Okay. i'm doing okay...i had some soup and yogurt for lunch. i'm really craving something like cake. i still feel like i could eat the entire world - maybe a delayed PMS reaction? ARGH.

3:40pm

i broke down and had a Snickers bar. i feel so completely disgusting, even though i'm sure i've eaten worse than that lately. This is worrisome to me (honestly, is there anything that ISN'T worrisome to me?) because i don't want to become obsessive about this - i just want to change my behaviors and be healthier. i guess i should take some comfort in the fact that i AM upset about the Snickers bar (man, does that sound pathetic...), because it means that my behavior has changed from complacency to awareness. But still.

You know...i've been watching shows lately about fat people. And granted, i'm big but i'm not grotesque...i know this. But when i watch those shows, i can really understand those people. Food as an addiction, obsessing about calories burned and taken in, not thinking about what you are eating...it's all inside me.

Is it true? Am i an addict? God, just typing that out made me shudder. Did something so commonplace as food really have that much of a hold on me? i was doing so well...and since i've been sick, i just can't seem to get that "i can do this" feeling back.

Foods eaten: banana, cottage cheese, chicken, green beans, yogurt, tilapia, green beans, cottage cheese, cashews.

Total caloric intake: 775

Exercise: office work, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2079

Current weight: 260


7:45am

"The most perfect technique is that which is not noticed at all." - Pablo Casals

9:06am

Ack, busy morning.

Looks like i might be sold on Gor. i'm not really sure how i feel right now...i'm not unhappy where i am, but i like the potential buyer as well. i don't feel like He's the type to intrude on my RT outside of Gor, which is something that sounds good right now.

All of this does make me miss Akodo, though. i told Him in an email this morning that i wanted the decision to be His - i knew it would be anyway, but i didn't really want to involve myself either. It's my belief that i chose to be a slave on Gor, and that was my last choice. Anything else is determined by my Owner. i also told Him that i didn't want to loose Him anymore than i already have...which i feel like i might if He does sell me.

Anyway.

The quote above was kind of appropo for my thoughts lately. We had a storm blow through here which knocked out power for a bit on Saturday, but it also took out our cable (and cable internet) since Saturday night. So, i turned off my computer during the day on Saturday and haven't looked at it since. It was kind of nice, but at one time i did find myself wondering if anyone would miss me...and that thought turned to wondering if anyone even notices me. Surprise surprise, i didn't get upset or depressed or whatever. (i know, right?) i actually hoped that no one did notice me...especially in Gor, because the people who are noticed tend to be icky-types that i don't even want to be put in the same category with. So, if no one does notice i was gone, i suppose that's a good thing...though, as a human, it is nice to be missed once in awhile. =)

And oh, man. i'm so pissed at fish's husband. She's been without power since noon on Saturday, and had to go to a hotel. Well, her husband was in another town with his ex-girlfriend (i think, they were supposed to have broken up, but he still goes over there, so whatever...). Fish tried to get him to help her yesterday, but he was such an ass about everything. It's a good thing i don't have his cell number, but i would have totally reamed him a new butthole. i HATE weak men, and that's exactly what he is. To me, he is the epitome of weak men, and weak men make me want to hurt something. It's just...sickening.

3:56pm

To those outside of the Gor world who might happen to read this, it might seem a little strange that i'm being bought and sold, or worried about intrusion into my RT life. Basically, Gor is a roleplay environment, but some people (like me) take it a bit more seriously than just roleplay. For me...it means that i don't separate myself from my "character" on Gor, except for the obvious legal points. i put a lot of myself into it, and sometimes i end up getting burned in the process. But, i can honestly say that i've learned so much about my slavery, and i've been able to incorporate the lessons i've learned to my RT.

On a lighter note, i was down to 260 this morning, which means that i've lost a total of 23 pounds in a little over a month. Which means that i am almost halfway to my year-long Birthday Resolution of 50 pounds. *victorydance* i might have to re-do that goal.

Brace yourself. i'm going to be maudlin.

i have a great ache inside me. i miss being owned. Have i ever truly been owned? Not truly. But...even though i don't know exactly what it is, i miss it.

And i wonder now, if i'm simply missing an idea that's planted in my head, or if it's something deeper and truly ingrained in me.

i miss the quiet confidence surrounding me and comforting me when i feel so chaotic.

i miss the silent strength that doesn't need to speak in order for me to know, with no doubt, the power that comes from it.

i miss the intense scrutiny, even though it makes me uncomfortable...because it shows me that every inch of me is hunted.

i miss being hunted, period. i miss sinking into my animal, trying to survive beneath a power much greater than me, fighting until their dominance is proven and surrendering gratefully.

i miss the control. i miss hands in my hair, a cock in my mouth, my body responding without thought. i miss being wanted with a brutal desire that leaves my lips swollen, my face red, streaked with tears, slathered with cum and slapped with bruises.

i miss the binding. All of it. Mental, physical, emotional. Tie my wrists, cuff my ankles, close my throat while thrusting inside me. Cage my body and let my soul free. Watch as i change behind the bars, becoming more animal than woman. Leash me, use heavy metal to weigh me down, and watch my face glow.

Is there anyone....anyone who can do this? i'm beginning to doubt.

6:42am

"sin and evil
are not to be got rid of
just blindly.
look at the astringent persimmons!
they turn into the sweet dried ones."

- Zen Commentary

i don't have any problem looking at my faults and learning from them. my problem comes when all i focus on is my faults, those astringent persimmons, without remembering the sweet dried ones. i think i've been doing better lately. Remember the sweet ones, frog!

i've been thinking about the past this morning, especially the last year. In regards to my slavery, i've grown tremendously - but i've also spent a lot of time being ugly. i'm ashamed at the ugliness, but i also know that i wouldn't have grown as much as i have without it. So in a way i can look back at it with gratitude, but it's bittersweet.

i do miss being so involved with my slavery. Right now, it almost seems like a completely separate entity, like the Oubliette girl really is a different person. i miss feeling connected, but i'm not sure i'm ready for it. When i was connected to it, i got overwhelmed, confused and did ugly things. i don't want to think about never being connected to it again, but i guess that is a possibility. Maybe i'm meant to live that part of me on the peripheral, existing but not really, never owned.

That makes my heart hurt.