Grace and Submission

So.

i read a few blogs that deal primarly with submission, D/s, slavery, et al. There have been quite a few good topics floating around lately, and it got me to thinking. Be prepared, i'm so going to ramble.

Reading these blogs always makes me wonder who is out there reading mine. It's difficult for me to know - i rarely get comments or whatever. It sort of makes me feel both comfortable and isolated at the same time. i feel free to voice myself as i wish, but wondering what my thoughts might inspire in other people.

The biggest thing that has got me contemplating is the concept of grace within submission. i was reading one person's view on it, and it struck me that mine was completely different. i don't really view "grace" as an ability, but rather more of a state.

When i think of the word "grace", i get an image in my head that is surprisingly spiritual. i think of serenity and peace and joy, even within the struggles. So (as i'm sure you can guess), i thought more on this.

Did you know that one of the most powerfully submissive moments i ever had was in a movie theater? Oh, it was. *solemn nod* Want to take a guess at the feature show? No?

It was The DaVinci Code.

And no...not because of that.

It was the music, actually - in the last scene, where Robert runs like a mad fool all over Paris and ends up staring down into the inverted glass pyramid in front of the Louvre. The track is actually called "Chevaliers de Sangreal" should you be interested.

Oh, that music. Even as i listen to it now, it fills my soul with such power, such overwhelming...something...that i have tears in my eyes. As i sat in that theater, i stared up at the screen with what was probably the dumbest expression anyone ever wore ever. i immediately left the theater (after regaining some sort of composure) and ran to buy this glorious music.

*sighs* i wish i could explain it, but at that moment, i realized that i was feeling this utterly pure, utterly trusting faith in regards to my own submission - not in regards to anything of a religious nature. As so many in this world find peace, meaning and growth through their faith in any particular religion, i find the same things within the belief that i belong in a state of worship.

Sounds a bit...fanatical, maybe? Believe me, this was more of a shock to me than to anyone else. Never in my life have i ever been affiliated with any organized religion (despite an adolescent exploration of paganism). i was always...offended by the rules. How could someone other than me define how i would worship something? Boo-hiss.

i do consider myself to be a very spiritual person (especially after this epiphany) - and the concept of religion fascinates me to no end. i'm the girl that watches those "Science of Jesus" shows on the History and Discovery Channels with rapt interest. i'm the girl who has books and books on religious topics - and yet, i could never identify with any particular one. Am i a Christian? Nah. i'm sure Jesus was groovy and all, but i think he was just a guy. Buddhist? Hindu? Muslim? Nope, nope and nope.

So how could i have these feelings inside me? How could i be so inspired, to the point of using religious terms to help me describe these emotions?

i still don't know.

But i do know this: i am meant to be on my knees. i am meant for slavery in the same way that nuns marry themselves to their Lord. i worship Dominance, humble myself at it's feet, surrender myself to its divine will.

i used to have a very different outlook to my submission. When i would consider it, i was left with an anxious, jittery feeling - an anticipation of something. i forced some idea of it into my life, which left a string of failures trailing along behind me. It was something i had to prove, something i had to endure, some kind of...costume that i put on.

But what is this Dominance i worship? i'll try to explain, but please forgive me if i am vague.

When i close my eyes...it is a presence. In my mind, it forms a picture much like the Egyptians pictures their Goddess, Nut. She is depicted as hovering over the earth in a protective arch, her body filled with stars, her fingers and toes touching each of the cardinal points. (Click to see pictures) This is how i envision this presence - surrounding me, protecting me, watching me. The mere fact that this presence is there demands that i submit - it does not demand it from me, but i simply have no other thought in my mind. It has no face, no gender, no name. It is simply there, and i surrender. In my mind i abase myself - not with a feeling of humiliation, degredation, or because i am somehow less. i abase myself with joy, gratitude, humility, humbleness and breathless wonderment.

i imagine that it is much like a religious feeling...a feeling of knowledge of a greater power. i feel as though i have given up the shell of my submission and revealed something...that is no longer a separate entity of myself, but a fully ingrained and driving force of my very soul.

my submission now is very different than it was before. Along with no longer being a separate entity, it is also now something i do not have to force. It is always there, i can always feel it. It is no longer an action, but a state of being. It brings me joy, peace, and serenity. i can't fit it into a box anymore...now it is the box.

i believe that this is my grace in submission.

All You Need To Know About Me

Name:	Jennifer
Nickname:	Frog
Birthday:	December 22
Zodiac Sign:	Capricorn
Current location:	my chair
Eye Color:	green/grey
Hair Color and Length:	light brown / long
Height:	5.9
Shoes You Wore Today:	i didn\'t wear shoes today. But normally? Steel-toed boots. *flex*
Your Fear:	abandonment
First Thought When You Wake Up:	i love my bed
Best Physical Feature:	uh. i guess people like my butt.
Who Is Your Bestest Friend:	Darrin
When Is Your Bedtime:	Usually between 9 and 10.
Pepsi or Coke:	Diet Pepsi. With Lime.
McDonalds or Burger King:	McDonalds
Single or Group Dates:	omg, i haven\'t been on a date in forever. Single, i guess.
What Is The Last Song You Sang:	i have no idea - something on the radio, i guess.
Do You Drink:	Why, yes i do.
Ever Been Drunk:	Why, yes i have.
Do You Smoke:	When i drink.
What Color Underwear Do You Have On:	frog = underwearless
Have You Ever Been In Love:	Yes. =)
Do You Want To Get Married:	Yes. =(
Do You Like Thunderstorms:	Yes. =)
How Many CD’s Do you Own:	Not enough.
How Many DvD’s Do You Own:	Too many.
How Many Tattoo’s Do You Have:	None.
How Many Piercings Do You Have:	5
Favorites
Favorite Shoes:	i love me some flats.
Favorite Radio Station:	? i have many.
Favorite Drink:	Diet Pepsi with Lime. WITH. LIME.
Favorite Car:	The Fit is go!
Favorite Song:	Silent Lucidity
Favorite Movie:	*oy* Depends on my mood.
Favorite Color:	Green
Favorite Meal:	Depends on my mood. Usually, ice cream. Yes, i know it says meal.
In a Guy/Girl or Man/Woman I Like…
Favorite Eye Color:	i\'m safe saying blue, because they both have blue eyes. Yay for sameness!
Favorite Hair Color:	Brown. Yay for sameness!
Short Hair or Long Hair:	uh. Crap. i like hair, there. *nod*
Height:	Dammit. Guys = taller, girls = shorter
Body Type:	Normal
Tattoos:	yes. Yay for sameness!
Piercings:	yes! Yay for sameness!
Right Now
Right Now, What Is Todays Date:	*had to look* February 26
Right Now, What Time Is It:	7:54pm
Right Now, Who Are You Thinking Of:	my cat, who is doing something stupid.
Right Now, What Are You Listening To:	American Idol.
Right Now, Do You Love Some One:	Yes
Right Now, Does Someone Love You:	Gee, i hope so.
Right Now, Is It Raining:	*looks* no.
Right Now, Are You Happy:	No. i\'m sick.
Tell us YOUR answers to this survey! Click HERE!
Created by shadow_in_the_dark, taken 210 times. Created at Kwiz.biz - Kwizzes, Polls and Surveys!

i was visiting a blog of someone i regularly read, and she talked about a rather intense situation that included her being put at her Owner's feet in public.

It made me think...actually, this particular blog makes me think a lot...and i wondered at the stab of sad envy i felt when reading that. i know the envy part - obviously i want someone to want me at their feet. But the sad part? i'm not sure if that's because that's not the path my submission is taking, or...if it's because i've somehow settled out of fear of facing failure once more.

Where to begin, where to begin....

This week has been rough. Rough on a few different levels. Monday and Tuesday i was extremely stressed at work - dealing with the people, the issues that have my hands tied. Wednesday, thankfully, we got 15 inches of snow so i stayed home and hibernated. =) Yesterday was not much better - by 7:30am i'd kicked two people out of my office.

Darrin could tell that something was wrong, we talked about it on Wednesday when we were both home. i tried to explain that the only time i felt "normal" (whatever that is, right?) was when i was home - and that really it was outside sources that were stressing me out.

It was a rough situation because i haven't have an episode like this in awhile...it's disconcerting in many ways. Also...when things like this come up, the normal questions arise - is my new drug not working, etc. i will have to watch myself carefully.

There are a lot of thoughts swirling around inside...my lack of dedication to a healthier lifestyle, my submission...buuuuuut i think i want to nap. Yay.

*Taken from Taylor

1. Honestly, how many people have you kissed?
Uh. Probably somewhere between 20-40 people.

2.Honestly, what color is your underwear?
At the moment? Invisible.

3.Honestly, what's on your mind?
My cat is snoring.

4. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
Doing this and laundry. Woot.

5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
Sometimes.

6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
Today? ima good girl today.

7. Honestly, do you watch Disney channel?
Not yet, but i might.

8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
Nope.

9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
Being home. Darrin. fish. my cats. my family.

10. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
Yep.

11. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
Yep.

12. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
Probably?

13. Honestly, when is the last time you have been to taco bell?
A month ago, maybe?

14. Honestly, are you loyal?
To the core.

15.Honestly, are you in denial?
Yes?

16. Honestly, where would you rather be right now?
In bed.

17. Honestly, do you like someone?
i like you. =)

18. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
i dunno. *heh*

19.Honestly, what was the last thing someone said to you?
Darrin: *half-asleep* Yeah, i'll be up.

20. Honestly, what did you say to them?
me: Honey, you should come to bed.

21. Gone out of your way to make a new friend?
a few times.

22.Honestly, do you kiss and tell?
Yes!

.:DIFFERENT EMOTIONS SURVEY:.

*Anger Section*

23. What do you do when you're mad?
i think.

24. What's the worst thing you've done when you were mad?
Cheated on someone.

25. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?
Probably.

26. Do you swear when you're mad?
i swear all the time - non-discrimatorially.

*Crying Section*

27. When was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out?
i can't remember.

28. Cried yourself to sleep?
......

29. Do you still cry when you get an injury?
Yes. =(

30. Do certain songs make you cry?
Yes.

31. What usually makes you cry?
Confrontation.

*Happy Section*

32. Are you normally a happy person?
i think so?

33. What can make you happy?
See #9. And don't make me repeat myself. :P

34. Does being with your friends make you happy?
Sometimes.

*Self-Esteem Section*

35. Do you believe in yourself?
Mostly?

36.When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you deny that you are?
i am working on simply saying "thank you" and then graciously changing the subject. =)

From Submissive Journal Prompts:

“There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they’re necessary to reach the places we’ve chosen to go.” -Richard Bach

Sometimes people ask me if i have regrets. Do i regret my insanity? Do i regret the utter loss of self? Do i regret my relationship with food? Do i regret the heart-breaking experiences within relationships?

Nope. Yeah - sometimes i yell and scream and hatehatehateHATE them. But no regrets. Regrets would leave me stagnant. i'm all about movin' on up.

And now, it's time for Birthday Resolutions:

1. i will loose and keep off at least 20 pounds. i did it last year, i can do it again. Dammit.

2. Darrin got me a nifty digital camera and printer, so i am going to take more pictures. And yes, fish - you can take more of me too.

3. While Darrin was on vacation, he one day decided that the house was TOO CLUTTERED. Rampage ensued. Now, 5 days later, we have all but one corner of the downstairs, our bedroom and half of my room done. It's nice to keep up with a clean house - to have dishes done and the dining room cleared away. So, the goal is to keep up on domesticities.

Here it is, the eve of my 30th birthday.

It seems surreal...i certainly don't feel 30, whatever 30 is supposed to feel like. i feel like i just left high school, like i'm wearing pyjamas to brunch in the dormhall and shlumping around whichever campus i attended.

Then again...

i'm married (non-legally). i'm in a steady relationship that faced the ultimate challenge last year at this time, and not only survived but got one thousand times stronger. i have a steady job that i succeed at, and i make a decently high wage.

i began a very long and very difficult journey this past year, which hasn't ended but i believe that i've got my stride going. i feel comfortable with the direction i'm going, i feel comfortable with the pace i'm going (when i'm not impatient), and i feel good about the realizations i'm making.

i didn't make my Birthday resolution of loosing 50 pounds. However, i've lost and kept off 20 pounds, and i've gained a better perspective of what works for me and where i need to go in order to get to where i want to be.

Crap. i'm growing up.

....and on Tuesday, the fog lifted.

i was surprised, actually. Like...i was asking myself "Are you sure? This is it?" Meh. Well...yay for me for surviving again.

Today was a good day. Moose and i drove 2 hours one way to eat Thanksgiving lunch with my grandma and the rest of my family, and then drove 2 hours back here to stop at Moose's mom's house to finish up the feastables. i'm telling you, my Thanksgiving is INCOMPLETE without those pickle/cream cheese/corned beef roll-up things. Pickle/cream cheese/corned beef roll-up things, i heart you.

We were both in good moods (on his part mostly because we avoided much of the loud-children-running-amok phase), the drive wasn't bad, and now we can do nothing for three days.

i'm sorry, blog. i'm not a very good friend to you, am i? i know i only come around when i need something...and if you'll just indulge me this time, i'll try to do better, okay?

That said...something is wrong with me. Something is wrong, something is off, something is notright. i've steadily been sinking under the various stresses of work, and over this past weekend i realized that i'm just not...coming up for air.

i've made an appointment with my doctor, because i have a feeling that i've plateaued on yet another medication.

It's both...scary and comforting to be here again. Comforting in an odd, dream-world like haze that surrounds everything...and scary because...well, because it's still there.

i don't like not wanting to have sex. i don't like not wanting to interact with anyone. i don't like being bothered enough by people that i have to run out of a store (which i did this weekend). i don't like wanting to cry, and i don't like the horrible, awful things i am thinking about myself. i don't like how i'm treating myself, and i don't like how i feel the need to grieve these tiny bits of me that i'm sure i can feel dying inside me.

It's sadly, frighteningly familiar.

On a completely different, "youcanonlyblameyourself" note...i was walking out of the grocery store today when i heard that incessant ringing of the Salvation Army Bucketeers. After getting over my shock of hearing them BEFORE THANKSGIVING, i noticed that the lady in question was singing, and so i thought...Well, isn't that cheery...until i walked past her and realized what she was singing...

"...and i'm gonna ring this bell...every single damn day....six days a week...."

Yeah.

Today was better...i went to work, and was incredibly busy which is probably what saved me.

Sometimes...when i get to this point of utter retreat, it feels like...almost like i am shocking people. Seems a bit arrogant, yes? But sometimes...it's like...i feel people just standing there, staring at me kind of dumbfounded, and asking.."but...who's going to take care of me now? Who's going to hold me up now?"

It's probably just being in this place that makes me feel that more than what is really there...but right here, right now...i want people to be able to see past their own needs and realize that sometimes, i need taking care of too. You can't just...ask if i'm alright just to reassure yourself that i'm still taking care of you. You can't ask if i'm alright just be sure that you'll still be getting the same thing out of me.

i still have days where i simply cannot face the world. i've not set foot outside of my house since 1:00pm yesterday. i feel like i can't bear it. Logically, i know i could...but i'm just so tired of it all.

i say still, because i really used to be so much worse. i used to handle it so much worse. Now...i can have these days and be okay with them, because i know they will go away, and because i know that if i don't let them happen, i'll only get worse.

So...today is that day. Today is the day where i hide from the world to keep from bundling even more of other people's problems onto my shoulders. Today is the day i shake it off, so that i can be okay tomorrow.

i hide because everything seems so selfish. i don't want to hear about anyone's crappy day, i don't want to hear excuses as to why someone forgot their timecard, i don't want to listen to stories of how they need their check early to pay for food when everyone knows it's basically getting traded in for beer, i don't want to hear about how painful someone else's life is, i don't want to hear about how sad someone is or how much they think the world is out to get them or how wronged they've been.

i need to focus on mine for a minute.

i left work at noon today - both for my mental health and for the safety of others. i don't really know what happened...i just know that suddenly, someone was bitching at me about suing the company for mental strain if their direct deposit hadn't been cancelled...at 6:30 in the morning.

Man, fuck you guys. Fuck you and the bitchy horse you rode in on, cause DAMN. i lost it. i mean...WTF am i supposed to say to that?!

"Uh...good luck with that..."

i get so fucking TIRED and disappointed in these people who are supposed to be grown-ups - most of them old enough to be my freakin PARENTS - but are mentally no older than a crabby 2-year-old. i am TIRED of getting attitude just because they "need someone to vent to." i am TIRED of having these dillholes lie to my face, just because they think i'm too dumb to notice. i am TIRED of having to repeat the rules EVERY. SINGLE. DAY because they keep looking for a way to get around the rules to suit their needs.

And you know what? i'm tired of being disappointed. i'm tired of putting such high expectations on people, because by now, i should know that i'm just going to see them dragged through the mud.

i know i'm doing this to myself...especially the expectations i put on people i thought were my friends.

i think...the entire world just got too damn selfish for me today...and i had to go find me again.

i opened up a new post, but everything i think of to say sounds either redundant or incredibly snarky, so...

i guess i'll just say ditto. Disappointment is keeping me from saying anything else.

i've been hovering at 265 - not gaining, not loosing.

i read today that most people don't know what hunger feels like. That struck me, and as i thought about it, i realized that i was afraid of hunger. When i feel hungry (especially in the morning at work - i get to work at 5:45am, and don't usually eat anything until 8 or so), i can feel the symptoms of panic...and i think that maybe, my binging is a...coping mechanism for dealing with the fear of hunger. Afraid of being hungry? Eat!

So, today, i tried to be very conscious of my "full-factor." i also found myself talking to myself (myself, myself), assuring myself that i wasn't going to die.

Yeah. Re-read that, because i totally had to sit with a dumb expression for about 5 minutes when i listened to what i was saying.

my subconscious mind thought i was going to DIE because i was hungry.

Okay, so. A part of me feels really triumphant for coming to this epiphany, and the other part of me feels so completely pathetic and stupid that i can barely stand it.

Ever watch the movie "French Kiss?" When Meg Ryan's character first goes to Paris and looses everything and is calling home on the payphone outside of L'Arc Triumphe? And she's all bawling and holding up her fist in a weak, half-assed gesture and saying in a weepy voice barely discernable through the tears "I will triumph...."

Hi. i will triumph.

*sniff*

It's been awhile, i know. *hangs head*

i am driving EVER-Y-WHERE. i love my car.

i've been spending a lot more time with Darrin, which feels really good. Last night, he mentioned how different everything felt now compared to a year ago. Ugh, i winced at that one. A year ago i was caught up in something that proved to be so not good for me...but it feels good to have made so much progress, and also to be in a place where i love and appreciate what Darrin is and does for me.

In our talking last night, i mentioned a recent frustration to Darrin. Normally, i am quite the "shit or get off the pot" type of person. For instance...i could never understand why someone would stay in an abusive relationship. i simply cannot wrap my head around it, it makes no sense to me. i realized that that was one of the reasons why my depression was (is) so traumatizing to me - i KNEW i was feeling bad, i KNEW i was unhappy, i WANTED to change that, but i couldn't (at that time). i feel the same way about my weight issue. i feel like i try, but i can't quite gain my footing to make it up the other side of the hill. Or...to tie it back to the analogy....i'm constipated.

i bought a new car!!!

All by myself, no co-signer, i bought a brand-spankin-new car. A 2007 Honda Fit.

The Fit is go!

i love it. i love it, i love it, i love it.

It's times like this that i truly feel my addiction.

i want to eat. i want crackers and ice cream, in no particular order. More specifically, i want Wheat Thins and Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream. i have an ache in me that i can't decipher. Is it hunger? Is it all in my head?

Y'know...i've been going to a lot of websites...and i'm so tired of reading about people who are already healthy complaining about 5 pounds. It's not that i think i'm so much worse off...i just don't think people like that can understand what i'm going through.

Have lost 6 pounds this week. See that? That's my oh-so-white-girl, in-yo-face dance. Heh.

i started tracking my calories again on a site called sparkpeople.com - really a great site (and free! frugal frog says fuck yeah!) because it allows you to track what you want. For instance, i'm tracking my calories (and along with that, my fat, protein, and carbohydrate levels) by entering in what food i eat, i'm tracking how much water i drink each day, and i'm tracking the amount of exercise and calories burned each day.

Kind of had an emotional day today, but i'm feeling pretty good - i stopped at the track outside of town and walked twice around it before coming home. It was a beautiful day - windy and cool and sunny.

Fair warning: This post will be completely selfish and whiny, and probably way too emo for a 29-year-old.

*sigh* (ack! See?!)

i got really upset last night when i went to bed. i'd been quiet all day, and when i laid down, i just got overwhelmed. i know why, and i'm dumb. i was supposed to fill my prescription for my happypills on Friday, but the doctor's office was closed, sooo...no happypills for frog.

i started thinking about turning 30 soon...which lead me to wonder if i'm doing the right things with my life...which in turn lead me to complete and utter rage at myself for letting me slide back up to 270...which made me feel absolutely fugly and unlovable...which made me wonder if that's the reason Darrin doesn't feel the need for a committment...

You get the idea. i am an Olympic gold winner of cyclonic thinking.

i decided that i'm going to try (again) to limit my calories per day to 1500, and to do 30 minutes of exercise a day. i need to pick up the smaller habits again, too, like not eating after 7:30 at night. The problem is that during the week, my day is pretty full: i'm up by 4:15 in the morning, out the door between 4:45 and 5:00, and i get home usually between 6:00 and 6:30 and night. It's very difficult to want to do ANYTHING when i get home from work, but i have to change that. Maybe i should try getting up at 3:45. *just cries*

i came home tonight and crawled into bed with Darrin and just bawled. He did say that he was very glad that i came to him and told him what was going on - i know he was worried about me because i couldn't talk much at work.

i won't deny that i've had a big backslide on my whole "creating a better frog" thing. i've gained about 10 pounds back, and i'm really feeling it. i feel like i'm trying so hard, but at the same time...it's obviously not enough, and i wonder if i'm just telling myself that i'm trying so hard, and really not trying at all.

i decided that i really need to find someone (or group of someones) to hold me accountable. i need people who don't know me, have unbiased opinions and don't care if i have a headache or my feet hurt or whateverelsepoorfrogexcuseicomeupwith. Someone who expects...well...obedience, i guess, though i hate to relate this to D/s.

So.

Because of events that transpired today, i am officially actively looking for a new job. The situation is not critical enough that i need to LEAVERIGHTNOW, but i want to see what is available.

Problem is, not much IS available in this area in my field that makes as much as i do. i do a lot - accounts receivable, accounts payable, payroll, HR, Benefits administration - but don't have enough years of experience (almost 2 and a half) to make up for no degree. Plus, to find a job like this that makes what i do an hour? Near to impossible.

Anyone have need of a general office-bitch type person?

From Submissive Journal Prompts:

"Come up with as many words as you can to complete this phrase: I am a ______ slut."

Well, now...how can i resist this?

I am a dirty slut.
I am a nasty slut.
I am a delicious slut.
I am a salacious slut.
I am a stealthy slut.
I am a good slut.
I am a great slut!
I am a(n) absolute slut.
I am a sneaky slut.
I am a needy slut.
I am a fucking slut.
I am a luscious slut.
I am a freaky slut.
I am a lonely slut. =(
I am a(n) invisible slut.
I am a hungry slut.

Slut really is so limiting, though...all of those could be replaced with whore, fuck-meat, possession, fucktoy, cumslut, etc...

Though, i'm fairly certain that if someone just came up to me and called me those names, i'd burst into extremely inappropriate laughter. Unless it was someone who was so dominant that my knees would wobble without a single word. =/ In that case, i would fall over and twitch in puddle of my own cum.

*sigh*

i've been doing alright lately...pretty good, actually. After my last freakout, i've settled down a bit. i'm eating decently, and recently i've even noticed that i'm not eating when i "think" i should, but more when i'm actually hungry - and more importantly, i've been craving healthier foods, like melon and Wheat Thins. *eye roll* Oy, don't even get me started on these kicks i get on - i've decided that i totally overdosed on cashews and cannot even look at one now. i give myself treats, but i still look at labels and pay attention to serving sizes. i've found some good ice cream that is fat-free and only has 90 calories a serving (i think it's Blue Bunny? hell if i know.)

my struggle now is exercise. Bleh, i hate even typing the word. Fuck you, exercise. i've been trying to get on my bike, and i think now that the weather is cooling down some, i'd like to try walking after work.

i've been having some pretty dark urges lately...not really explicit fantasies, really, more like...images, feelings. frog is wanting to be hurt, used, welted, bled, bruised, broken...

You get the idea.

There have been no clandestine ice cream sandwiches.

Beginning on Monday, i started back on the bike. i did 20 minutes Monday and Tuesday, and today i did 25...which made me feel good. i've been doing good at work, and not bad at home. i still feel cravings, but i'm being very, very careful at evaluating my "wants" vs. my "needs". Do i -really- need that...or am i just feeling old habits?

i'm trying to slim down a little for my business trip in two weeks - my first ever. i bought really nice, professional outfits to wear, and i just want to make a good impression. i know i shouldn't, but i'll feel more comfortable if i'm comfortable in my own skin.

How sad that i'm not. How more sad that i'm STILL not.

Where are those damn bootstraps........?

You know how you watch these shows on tv...i call them "fat nights on TLC" because they always seem to come one right after another...and although it might scare you (which it does, to the point that i'm not allowed to watch them anymore, period), it still seems like something so extreme, so not-you that a part of you is almost comforted by how different you are from those people?

i realized tonight that i'm no longer different from those people.

i could have my own fat show.

i realized it because...because i went into my local Walgreens to pick up my happy pills, and came out with a bag of Twizzler's Bits and an ice cream sandwich along with those happy pills. i told myself AS I WAS WALKING IN THE DOOR that i wasn't going to get anything else, though i was going to browse through the makeup to see if there were any goodies. i specifically mentioned to myself that i was NOT going to get an ice cream sandwich (which truly are the bane of my existance).

my feet took me there anyway. my hands grabbed at the display of bags of Twizzlers on sale, and snatched at the ice cream. i did it. i did it, i did it, i did it. And i wasn't even hungry!

i really didn't think about it until i was driving home, eating the ice cream sandwich...and i realized that i was hiding it from OTHER DRIVERS. i was dropping it into my lap at stop lights, or when other cars passed me.

i was so ashamed that i was hiding my food. Unconsciously.

i really don't know what to do now. i know that there are other habits i have that are like this and more, and i feel like...well, like someone with anorexia that hides food and pushes it around on their plate to make it look like they've eaten. i feel like someone with buliema that turns the water faucet on while they hurl. i feel like...a fat person that hides their binging.

i've read all these books that talk about ways to not do this...how to think about other things, or how to choose better "binge foods" (like carrots *WTF?!*)...and logically, i get it. i'm on board, i'm on that train, giddy-up. i buy things at the grocery store that hopefully will help me accomplish this, but things like today still happen.

i feel like i have to keep trying...but i don't even know what the next step is. i've been getting on my stationary bike, and i only do about 10-15 minutes before i stop. i was doing 30! At 4 o'clock in the morning!

i don't know how to stop.