6:51am

Yesterday wasn't the greatest day of my life. It wasn't the worst, but...i've had better. Usually on Wednesdays i'm supposed to get paychecks for my 124 children. Usually the FedEx guy comes to my office between 10:30 and 11:30am...so when i didn't have them by 2pm, i started worrying. By the time i got an answer from my corporate payroll office, it was 4pm, and apparently...the paychecks had been onsite since 11:00am. i think there must have been a substitute driver or something, because they delivered it to the Plant Receiving office instead of my office, and i wasn't notified of anyone signing for them.

i was pissed. The site manager was a bit taken back that i even knew words like that. =/

So i came home irritated...i did the dishes to kind of work off some of that irritation, which helped...but i was still feeling bleh.

i realized that i was feeling really defeated. i haven't been doing well on my "diet" (god i hate that word) - i'm not gaining weight, but i'm not loosing either. i haven't done any exercise at all, when i have a stationary bike i could easily get on while watching tv or whatever. i've gotten off track of my choices with food - last night i had macaroni and cheese for dinner because it was comforting. Blah blah blah, you get the idea - i suck.

i need help. i'm going to ask Darrin to help me do some exercise every day, at least on the bike everyday. Even though i do really well with food during the day at work, i packed a slightly better lunch today, just to give me a little boost. Last week at the grocery store, i decided to get the little packets of Crystal Light-type stuff instead of getting bottles of flavored water - less trash and all, because i can refill water bottles here in the office. So i've been drinking 5-6 16oz bottles of water every day, which is good.

i need to start being conscious while i'm eating. i've realized that i can just zone out and go through the motions, eventually ending up eating way more than i was even hungry for. i need to be THERE when i eat, because obviously, something's not working. It's not in my nature to be focused on eating - which seems weird, right? But really...when i eat, i just fade out...letting myself be comforted by the motions of eating. i don't really pay attention when i eat, but i should.

Why do i do that? God, haven't i gone through all this already? Haven't i figured out that i'm an emotional eater and all that phychological hoo-ha? Why am i still struggling - is it really this hard?

i know it is...i know i'm just whining. It makes me angry that i'm still doing this to my body after going through all the stuff i've already realized.

So here's an example of how dirtynastygross the place is that i work in.

Today, a little after lunch time, a couple guys came in and set a small box on my desk and grinned at me. Immediately i was wary, not only because of the grin, but because the box had DANGER written on it.

Not very subtle, my boys.

"What is that?" i asked with great trepidation.

"It's our mascot!" they replied with great glee, and open the box with a flourish.

Inside...are not one...but TWO...baby rats.

*facepalm*

-----------------------------

Later....

i'm finding myself getting irritated very easily lately. i'll be just fine, and all of a sudden, i'm just fed up and ready to shitcan the whole world. i've been careful about taking my medicine, so i can only imagine that it's PMS. Fantastic. It's been very hard not to snap. =(

Okay, so i kind of realized that i haven't been talking much about the stuff my little blurb talks about. Soooooooooo.....

slavery - *stares*

Actually, i feel okay with where i am now. In Gor, i'm blissful. At home, i'm just kind of doing what comes naturally, and not really over-thinking things. frog not thinking seems to be doing the trick. *snicker*

weightloss -

i've done really well this week food-wise, except that i downed a whole chinese dinner bymyfreakingself tonight. But, ees o-tay - i'm not discouraged, and i shall overcome. Just need to get my fatass moving.

Sex anyone?

polyamory - Okay, we're all aware that frog has a boyfriend and a wife. Yes? Good. i wish i could hand over some freak-ish drama, but...things are pretty stable right now. fish (the wife) is going through some personal issues which i am totally supportive of, and we see each other about every other week. i see Darrin all the damn time. *L*

and general hot-cha-cha - gheezus, i don't even know what that means. Was that me trying to be cool? Oy. Frog, shut up. You suck.

Little Wonders - Rob Thomas

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don’t you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don’t mind
if it’s me you need to turn to
we’ll get by,
it’s the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

8:41am

Okay, so. i haven't been doing the greatest with my "life-change." Of course the vacation was in there, and it's not like i've been gorging myself everyday...but i can definitely notice a change. i feel heavier, and not just weight-wise. i've been making okay decisions, but some of them could have been better. ALRIGHT. A lot better. Dammit.

i don't know if this has anything to do with it at all, but...a few days ago, i just really got sick of taking care of people. Sometimes i get this way - where it seems like everything i do, every word out of my mouth is to make sure others are okay, to make their days better, to do whatever i can for other people. And...well, i just got tired of it. No matter what i said, i felt like it was for someone else's benefit - placating someone, reassuring someone, making their mood better, etc. So maybe if i got sick of taking care of other people...maybe i got sick of taking care of myself and just kind of...put it on the back burner for a bit. i dunno. i don't feel hopeless, or like i've ruined my chances...but i know i need to get back on track.

i need help, but i don't know what kind of help i need.

We had a great, great vacation. We timed it perfectly, leaving just when it was getting busy. We had an awesome condo to stay in, and Darrin had his first experience in a jacuzzi. *snickers* i wouldn't be surprised if i came home to one some day.

i think that i really needed the time away - not just from work, but to really reconnect with Darrin since our big breakdown. i feel like we're doing so much better, and i feel so good about where we are, and where we're going. We had so much fun together, and i fell in love with him all over again.

Beyond that...i wish i had something more interesting to say, but...alas, i am wordless. *chuckles* i'm ready to get back on track with my eating habits again. i bought the Volumetics book, but wasn't really impressed.

Tomorrow will be busy, as i've got payroll to do tomorrow, and after being gone for a week, i'll need to make sure everything is spot-on before noon.

Tuesday - 7:04am

i kind of feel a little disgusted with myself. i've been eating alright, but i can't seem to get in the groove of exercising. Over the weekend, i took two two-mile walks, but i didn't do anything yesterday. i know i make excuses that i work long hours, i don't have time, etc...but i can't make excuses anymore if i want to make changes. If i really want to change my life, excuses are not going to cut it anymore.

3:48pm

i'm beginning to wonder if i should be so diligent about the "numbers." Counting calories, weighing myself, etc. Part of me is wondering if that is actually hindering my progress. i almost feel like it's a crutch - i can eat whatever i want, as long as i stay within the prescribed number of calories. This change isn't about numbers for me - i really have no "goal weight" or anything. So why am i putting so much emphasis on it? i know it's important information, but...is it being helpful in actually changing my HABITS? i don't know. And then, of course, i wonder if that's just me trying to justify not keeping track anymore because i feel like it's too much work. Meh. =(


Wednesday - 10:31am

Darrin and i went for another walk last night, and i had a really good salad for dinner. That helped me feel better about how things were going. i did weigh myself just out of curiousity this morning, and i was at 257. Not bad, really. i need to think of a really good reward that i can give myself when i hit 30 pounds. i think i want to wait until i hit and maintain 30 pounds - maybe for a week? And then reward myself. It's only 4 more pounds, and Darrin and i are going walking again tonight.

i heard a song on the radio on the way into work this morning (at the asscrack of dawn) that said "You love me, but you don't know me..." That kind of got my mind wandering. i don't know that i could answer the question of "Who are you?" i've got a few general ideas, but i don't have specific answers as to who i am. It also made me wonder who i am to other people. Anyway - random thought.

Tuesday - 1:33PM

i actually tried to do a little reading last night from "The End of Diets: Healing Emotional Hunger." i can't seem to just sit down and read it, it seems like i have to go in spurts because it makes me cry. How girly is that?

Anyway...there was a quote at the beginning of one of the chapters (not like i read that many) that said something along the lines of "The thing in your life that you deny the most holds the most power in your life." i'm not exactly sure of the exact wording, but it was something like that. And it's true...the thing that i am most afraid of at any given time is the reality for me.

For instance: when i was certain that i would never be the slave i dream to be, when the thought terrified me and kept me up at night that i would never realize this growing part of me - it was true. i wasn't being the slave i could be, certainly not the slave i am now (small part that it is). i was taking actions that drove people away from that side of me because of my fear. i guess a part of me felt like i was taking measures to protect what felt very fragile and vulnerable to me by forcing people away from it.

For instance x2: This one is a more subvert, and therefore more scary to me. Food holds great power in my life. i didn't realize this until very recently, and now i struggle with it more than i care to admit. Sounds dramatic, doesn't it? i wish i didn't struggle, but i do, and i need to acknowledge it before i can succeed against it. i never knew what i was doing with my relationship to food, and now, it's gotten me into a place i don't want to be. Yes, i'm 28 pounds away from that place, but i have a long, long way to go.

i could go on a diet and loose the weight. i know i could. But i need to change my behaviors, and that's what is scary. It's like...food is comfortable, you know? Why should i not be comfortable? But i also know that being comfortable isn't allowing me any growth...at least mentally speaking. =/


Wednesday - 9:35am

Last night as i was driving, i was hit rather suddenly with exhaustion. By the time i got home, i was definitely feeling it - Darrin said i was acting strange. This morning, i am in a funk i can't seem to get out of. Usually when i come to work, those feelings disappear because i can focus my mind on other things. But today...it's not working. i feel like i'm ready to burst into tears, while at the same time feeling oddly numb. i want to hide from every single person on the planet. i talked to Darrin earlier and he got so worried that i tried to play it down...but i don't think he bought it.

One shred of silver lining...i'm not hungry.


Monday - 3:30pm

Wednesday i ended up leaving work early, and i took a mental health day on Thursday. i felt better after that, and had a good weekend. Right now, i'm in the process of booking our vacation. =)

7:05am

i made an effort to be pretty today.

i just deleted a few self-deprecating remarks - way to go me.

Anyway...i got my hair done on Friday, so i took time to "do" it this morning. i also put on a blouse i bought on Saturday while Darrin and i were out shopping. i got a steal - about 80 bucks worth of stuff for $46. i got two blouses, two tanktops, and a supercute pair of patent leather Mary Jane style high heels. i was a little more careful with my makeup, i even put on lipgloss. O.o

Yesterday my slave was aching. Something nudged it awake, and i spent most of the night lost in that world. i even found myself doing little things with Darrin - like when we sat down for supper, his plate was made first, and i waited until he said something before i started eating. It just came natural - and as i was waiting, i was wondering why i was doing it...and a voice in my head said "Because you want to, stupid!" So, yeah.

The things i dream about...are extreme. i know now that it's impossible to jump into those waters and not expect to drown. But maybe with all the little things, i can wade into those waters.

Later...

i totally resisted Chinese food for dinner. *flex*

6:33am

It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
- Bon Jovi "It's My Life"

Heard that song on the radio this morning, and it just seemed appropriate for the changes i've been making.

i'm feeling better, though i still feel a little fragile. i felt better after talking to Darrin yesterday morning, and i mentioned to him that it seemed so strange that i lived in that state for so long. i really don't want to be that person anymore.

i really need a vacation. i realized recently that i haven't taken time off for 2 years...since i started this job. i can feel it starting to get to me. Darrin and i are planning a little getaway, going to up the Wisconsin Dells. i'm excited, because we've never really gone on a vacation before.

i actually feel like i'm getting a deeper understanding of Darrin. It sort of makes me a little sad, because i feel like after almost 5 years, i should already know these things. But we've had a lot of conversations, and he's been able to really talk to me more, and i'm realizing that...well, that he's not as clueless as i thought. =/

6:36am

i'm not sure how i'm feeling yet today...sometimes i think i'm feeling better, but other times not. It was extremely hard to get out of bed this morning...

Happy Administrative Professionals Day to me - and anyone else out there.

6:54am

Everyday is so wonderful...
Then suddenly...it's hard to breathe...
- Christina Aquilera

With how good everything has been going, i'm almost ashamed to write this. i feel...not sad, not upset...just...dull. i want to curl up against something much stronger than me and hide. i know that nothing happened to cause this...it's just a cycle, i'm sure, and it will pass just as it came.

That's always been why this aspect of me is so frustrating. i have no reason to be like this. There's nothing i can blame this on except myself - no abuse in my childhood, no traumatic events, no drug use or anything. It's. All. Me. i had a therapist once tell me that i was the most clear-cut case of a true chemical imbalance that she'd ever seen. i said thanks. =/

It will go away...i'm not hopeless. i need to just...ride it out, and come out the other side. So i have a bad day...big deal. So i want to sleep for a few days...okay. i need to take care of myself and listen to my body, and if it gets to the point where it begins to become a problem, then i can start worrying. One bad day = no worry. 5 bad days = worry. Sleeping for a day = no worry. Sleeping for 5 days = worry.

So...pardon me while i burrow.

Later:

i'm struggling. Please, just let it go away. i don't want to be like this, i want to be how i was before.

7:03am

"The high note is not the only thing." - Placido Domingo

i had a good weekend. =) Friday Darrin and i went out to a nice lunch, and then shopping for my mom's birthday and for groceries. It was fun, and we talked more about how things are going between us. It's nice to have those lines of communication open again, and i'm really grateful that he's not holding a grudge or anything like that. It sounds incredibly sappy, but we both said we were the lucky ones...so we decided that he'll keep on showing me how he's lucky, and i'll keep showing him how i'm lucky, and we'll both feel better. *L* Silly, i know.

Saturday we celebrated my mom's birthday - i made her cry, which makes me the champion. *flex* Before anyone asks...my sister and i have a little unofficial contest to see who can make mom cry. Not bad tears, but good ones...like when nice things are said, or she gets something thoughtful or sweet. So, yay me.

Sunday i was cramping pretty badly, but Darrin and i spent most of the day outside doing yardwork. i know, right? i did yardwork! i even have blisters!

Today's quote struck me, because this weekend really was full of all the good little things that make up everything else besides the high note.

6:49am - Wednesday

To be yourself is all that you can do
- Audioslave "Be Yourself"

Yeah.

Y'know...it's been a long time since i've felt like myself. Such a long time that i forgot what me felt like. i lost touch, stopped calling or writing, and took myself off my own mailing list. As i think back, i believe it's been ever since that first panic attack, 9 and a half years ago.

It makes me wonder...have i been so far away from myself that the people i've met have met...someone not me? i mean...obviously they have, but will my relationships change as i become more and more myself?

Confession time...

i haven't been doing very well with the food issue. i haven't been gorging or anything, but i definitely could be doing better. Maybe i need to go back to recording everything i consume, and adding in the calories. i know that when i was doing that, i felt very conscious of what i would have to record, so maybe that will help. i've gained a few pounds - nothing serious, and i know that it's because i'll be getting my period this week, so i'm a weebloatedfrog. i need to begin making better decisions, and nothing is going to do that for me.



7:03am - Thursday

i think i did better yesterday with the food stuff. i lost a pound, so that's good. i'm going to start doing two things before i eat anything - first, drink water...and second, ask myself if i'm really hungry, or if i'm feeling something else that i think food will help (being lonely, being happy, being irritated, etc...). i'm going to try to introduce myself to my emotions and have a sit-down with them.

It's...i don't know, a little overwhelming to me how invasive the effect food has on me has become. i never noticed it before, but...i feel like my eyes have never really been open before, either. i connect comfort with food...celebration with food...grieving with food. i need to change my connection with food...need to realize that it's just fuel, nothing more. i need to find other ways to connect with feelings.

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone
I'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

I've got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
I've got a right to be wrong
Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

You're entitled to your opinion
But it's really my decision
I can't turn back I'm on a mission
If you care don't you dare blur my vision
Let me be all that I can be
Don't smother me with negativity
Whatever's out there waiting for me
I'm going to faced it willingly

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
Flesh and blood to the bone
See, I'm not made of stone
I've got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

- Joss Stone "Right To Be Wrong"

i heard this song this morning and i was struck at how well it fits me right now. i really do feel like i can finally breathe, like i've stripped off a heavy, oozy sludge from myself. Don't get me wrong - i know that the only person to blame for that ooze is myself. But...i'm really proud that i'm turning my life around, and i feel very good about the way things are going.

Okay...who's all wondering what kind of day i had?

Tsk...liar, liar...you wouldn't be here if you didn't care, silly...

Thanks for caring. i had a good day. =)

6:37am

i am moving forward. i am tired of being broken - there isn't much glory in exerting control over something that is kept broken. i feel nostalgic, but calm. i feel ready. i feel able to look at my past objectively, and remember the lessons from it, and not live in it. i feel ready to -not- be broken.

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live

- Switchfoot "Meant To Live"

i lost myself, but i'm finding me again - and i'm meant for so much more than what i've been in the past.

Thanks, jewels. =)

7:05am - Tuesday

You know...i really am grateful for everything that has happened. Every fear, every moment of walking on eggshells, every delirious pleasure, every state of confusion. i'm grateful for everything, because i feel like i've learned from them. i can't pick and choose what to be grateful for, because it's all helped me. i've learned what is healthy for me, what kinds of people i need to surround myself with, what kind of behaviors are detrimental to me. i have to remember (but not wallow in!) the bad things, so that i can adjust my aim and move in a better direction.

i really feel like i'm doing so much better. People have noticed when i talk to them that i just seem...well, brighter. i think that was the word used.

It's actually sort of interesting to me now...because i can see people falling back into negative behaviors. Not that i'm any kind of judge, but i can just recognize them now, and it gives me insight into those people.

Like Alanis says...i'm tired of being so masochistic. i'm tired of putting myself in such harmful experiences just because it's attention. i'm tired of putting my life aside for people that don't care about it, and use my loyalty as blackmail. i'm tired of hurting myself and beating myself up over and over and over again because i'm not a model of perfection. i'm tired of hiding behind my body. i'm tired of protecting my most inner being. i'm tired of being so selfish, and i'm tired of feeling guilty.

So i'm not gonna. i've got a good circle of people around me now, and i'm going to do everything in my power to give just as much as i'm receiving.

So if you're reading this, and you're smiling...i'm grateful for you.

Yep, even you.

8:26am - Wednesday

i forgot to pick up my prescription yesterday, and so i've been without happy pills for 2 days. i can definitely feel it today - i'm irritable and hermit-ish. i feel quite disgusted with myself, actually.

Later...

Not so disgusted with myself anymore...now i'm more disgusted with other people. All of a sudden, it's all blatantly clear just how...stupid i was for even involving myself with them.

How painfully honest can i be?

i've started reading a book called "The End Of Diets: Healing Emotional Hunger".

Hi. i'm an emotional eater.

i feel like...have you ever forced yourself to stand in front of the mirror, no matter how grossed out you felt, no matter how disgusted, no matter that you KNEW that if anyone was on the other side of the mirror, THEY'D be disgusted too?

Hi.

i'm pulling at my band-aids with agonizing slowness, revealing the pink, wounded flesh beneath. It's healing, but it's raw...and it hurts.

And it has everything to do with food...and the one thing i somehow can never bear to sit down with. my own emotions.

i relate food to comfort. Ice cream makes me happy. Macaroni and cheese soothes me. When i panic, i reach. When i cry, i reach. When i celebrate, i reach.

*takes a moment*

Why...can't i be alone with my emotions? Why do i have this...abusive relationship with myself?

Thank You - Alanis Morrissette

How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm full up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

7:49am

i hate Mondays. Everyone seems intent upon making my life crap the moment i walk in the door.

Bleh.

i finally got up this morning and did my exercise. Woot! This weekend i got to go out walking - on Friday with Darrin, and Saturday with fish. i think i might just drive over to the track in town after work and walk a couple laps before going home, too.

Things are continuing to get better at home, too. Not only with Darrin, but with fish too. i'm feeling really good - not really content because i want to keep moving forward, but happy with the direction things are going right now. i feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. =)

6:44am

i went home last night and had a really good talk with Darrin. i told him everything that had been going on, why i was in such a bad place for so long, and how that's all gone now. We talked about D/s stuff, about poly stuff, about general us stuff. What was so nice was that he was actually -talking- to me, he was just letting stuff come out instead of worrying over every single word. We talked for about an hour, and then we just layed down and snuggled for the rest of the night. It felt really good to get it all out, and good that he was really talking to me. i told him that we need to do that more often, because that really is our downfall. i asked him if he'd thought about breaking up with me during that period, and he said that there was one particular night that he was close to throwing me out of the house. Can't blame him, really...and i told him that i had told my parents i might have to move in, and that i applied for jobs in the Quad Cities. He didn't get upset with anything i said, he listened and responded, and i did the same.

It was just...really, really good.

i did tell him that i was considering my Gor experience, and he did say that he was glad about the steps that i've already taken as far as Gor goes, but that he wasn't sure that leaving was what i needed. i told him that during that bad time, i was actually flip-flopping rt and rp. i was projecting what i wanted rt into rp - having human emotions and drawing things into my life, and what i wanted in rp into rt - expecting Darrin to be this "Owner" and not able to understand why he couldn't accomplish it. It wasn't fair to anyone involved, and i think just recognizing that has helped me immensely.

Wednesday

6:54am

" 'To be or not to be' is not the question - because you can't have one without the other!" - Alan Watts

i relaxed last night and spent time with Darrin. i talked a bit with fish about stuff related to my writing yesterday, and things became a bit more clear.

my thought this morning is that...well, i allowed all this to happen. i made those choices. No one can force me to do anything - everything is my choice. And that's what hurts. Why have i put myself through such horrible things? Why have i allowed myself to be used, to be hurt by bad people, people who didn't care a single iota about me? Do i truly think so little of myself?

Not anymore. It's not going to be easy...already i can see a vague outline of what i need to do, and it's going to be really, really hard. Breaking habits built over 9 years. But i can't afford to live like this anymore. i can't afford to keep giving and giving and giving and getting nothing in return to replace that growing empty space. i can't be swayed by promises and poems, because lies can come in the prettiest packages.

i won't stop living...no, not hardly. What i need to do is re-evaluate what i give and who i give it to.

And now, i'm going to delete a few numbers from my cell. =)

12:36pm

Darrin called me this morning, and we talked for a little bit about something that was bothering him. Basically, it sounds like pretty much the same things i've been realizing. He wants to talk more tonight, but it shouldn't be too bad. Really, it has to do with my whole issue with Gor...in that i was trying to force something on him that couldn't happen. i hope that him and i can really talk, and continue to really talk to each other, because that really is our biggest problem. Sometimes i forget that he has the same emotions that i do.

6:49am

Lots of thoughts going through my head on the drive in to work this morning.

i'm beginning to realize, i think, that i - Jennifer - am not and won't ever be a Gorean slave. It just ain't gonna happen. i would love to be held in that state, but it's just an impossibility. i think i've clung so hard to Gor because i wanted that fantasy to be reality. And that's just...well, it's dumb. i'm a human, a female, and even though i am totally and completely service-driven, there is a very real and human part of me that needs to have basic human needs met. i can't completely lose my sense of self.

i began to think about my involvement with Gor as a relationship - and i wondered why i was staying. What am i getting out of it? It sucks to think that way, but that's the truth of it.

i'm putting a lot of effort in caring about what these people think...and i shouldn't. i really, really shouldn't. Most of these people don't even know my name, and if they do, there are only one or two of them that really care about me. Why am i exerting so much energy trying to please these people? i've learned a very hard lesson lately that people will say whatever they can to get what they want out of you. Why should i put myself in that position?

i don't know if i need to go to the extreme of actually leaving - but i definitely need to re-evaluate.

Stupidshittycrapaholicday.

i STAPLED my fucking FINGER.

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i got my emotional eating books today. It seems like i have a lot to work on. And now...i'm wondering what my need to be involved with Gor is. i'm not liking what i'm uncovering so far...but i guess that's the beauty of it, in order to change, recognition must be made.