....and on Tuesday, the fog lifted.

i was surprised, actually. Like...i was asking myself "Are you sure? This is it?" Meh. Well...yay for me for surviving again.

Today was a good day. Moose and i drove 2 hours one way to eat Thanksgiving lunch with my grandma and the rest of my family, and then drove 2 hours back here to stop at Moose's mom's house to finish up the feastables. i'm telling you, my Thanksgiving is INCOMPLETE without those pickle/cream cheese/corned beef roll-up things. Pickle/cream cheese/corned beef roll-up things, i heart you.

We were both in good moods (on his part mostly because we avoided much of the loud-children-running-amok phase), the drive wasn't bad, and now we can do nothing for three days.

i'm sorry, blog. i'm not a very good friend to you, am i? i know i only come around when i need something...and if you'll just indulge me this time, i'll try to do better, okay?

That said...something is wrong with me. Something is wrong, something is off, something is notright. i've steadily been sinking under the various stresses of work, and over this past weekend i realized that i'm just not...coming up for air.

i've made an appointment with my doctor, because i have a feeling that i've plateaued on yet another medication.

It's both...scary and comforting to be here again. Comforting in an odd, dream-world like haze that surrounds everything...and scary because...well, because it's still there.

i don't like not wanting to have sex. i don't like not wanting to interact with anyone. i don't like being bothered enough by people that i have to run out of a store (which i did this weekend). i don't like wanting to cry, and i don't like the horrible, awful things i am thinking about myself. i don't like how i'm treating myself, and i don't like how i feel the need to grieve these tiny bits of me that i'm sure i can feel dying inside me.

It's sadly, frighteningly familiar.

On a completely different, "youcanonlyblameyourself" note...i was walking out of the grocery store today when i heard that incessant ringing of the Salvation Army Bucketeers. After getting over my shock of hearing them BEFORE THANKSGIVING, i noticed that the lady in question was singing, and so i thought...Well, isn't that cheery...until i walked past her and realized what she was singing...

"...and i'm gonna ring this bell...every single damn day....six days a week...."

Yeah.

Today was better...i went to work, and was incredibly busy which is probably what saved me.

Sometimes...when i get to this point of utter retreat, it feels like...almost like i am shocking people. Seems a bit arrogant, yes? But sometimes...it's like...i feel people just standing there, staring at me kind of dumbfounded, and asking.."but...who's going to take care of me now? Who's going to hold me up now?"

It's probably just being in this place that makes me feel that more than what is really there...but right here, right now...i want people to be able to see past their own needs and realize that sometimes, i need taking care of too. You can't just...ask if i'm alright just to reassure yourself that i'm still taking care of you. You can't ask if i'm alright just be sure that you'll still be getting the same thing out of me.

i still have days where i simply cannot face the world. i've not set foot outside of my house since 1:00pm yesterday. i feel like i can't bear it. Logically, i know i could...but i'm just so tired of it all.

i say still, because i really used to be so much worse. i used to handle it so much worse. Now...i can have these days and be okay with them, because i know they will go away, and because i know that if i don't let them happen, i'll only get worse.

So...today is that day. Today is the day where i hide from the world to keep from bundling even more of other people's problems onto my shoulders. Today is the day i shake it off, so that i can be okay tomorrow.

i hide because everything seems so selfish. i don't want to hear about anyone's crappy day, i don't want to hear excuses as to why someone forgot their timecard, i don't want to listen to stories of how they need their check early to pay for food when everyone knows it's basically getting traded in for beer, i don't want to hear about how painful someone else's life is, i don't want to hear about how sad someone is or how much they think the world is out to get them or how wronged they've been.

i need to focus on mine for a minute.

i left work at noon today - both for my mental health and for the safety of others. i don't really know what happened...i just know that suddenly, someone was bitching at me about suing the company for mental strain if their direct deposit hadn't been cancelled...at 6:30 in the morning.

Man, fuck you guys. Fuck you and the bitchy horse you rode in on, cause DAMN. i lost it. i mean...WTF am i supposed to say to that?!

"Uh...good luck with that..."

i get so fucking TIRED and disappointed in these people who are supposed to be grown-ups - most of them old enough to be my freakin PARENTS - but are mentally no older than a crabby 2-year-old. i am TIRED of getting attitude just because they "need someone to vent to." i am TIRED of having these dillholes lie to my face, just because they think i'm too dumb to notice. i am TIRED of having to repeat the rules EVERY. SINGLE. DAY because they keep looking for a way to get around the rules to suit their needs.

And you know what? i'm tired of being disappointed. i'm tired of putting such high expectations on people, because by now, i should know that i'm just going to see them dragged through the mud.

i know i'm doing this to myself...especially the expectations i put on people i thought were my friends.

i think...the entire world just got too damn selfish for me today...and i had to go find me again.

i opened up a new post, but everything i think of to say sounds either redundant or incredibly snarky, so...

i guess i'll just say ditto. Disappointment is keeping me from saying anything else.

i've been hovering at 265 - not gaining, not loosing.

i read today that most people don't know what hunger feels like. That struck me, and as i thought about it, i realized that i was afraid of hunger. When i feel hungry (especially in the morning at work - i get to work at 5:45am, and don't usually eat anything until 8 or so), i can feel the symptoms of panic...and i think that maybe, my binging is a...coping mechanism for dealing with the fear of hunger. Afraid of being hungry? Eat!

So, today, i tried to be very conscious of my "full-factor." i also found myself talking to myself (myself, myself), assuring myself that i wasn't going to die.

Yeah. Re-read that, because i totally had to sit with a dumb expression for about 5 minutes when i listened to what i was saying.

my subconscious mind thought i was going to DIE because i was hungry.

Okay, so. A part of me feels really triumphant for coming to this epiphany, and the other part of me feels so completely pathetic and stupid that i can barely stand it.

Ever watch the movie "French Kiss?" When Meg Ryan's character first goes to Paris and looses everything and is calling home on the payphone outside of L'Arc Triumphe? And she's all bawling and holding up her fist in a weak, half-assed gesture and saying in a weepy voice barely discernable through the tears "I will triumph...."

Hi. i will triumph.

*sniff*

It's been awhile, i know. *hangs head*

i am driving EVER-Y-WHERE. i love my car.

i've been spending a lot more time with Darrin, which feels really good. Last night, he mentioned how different everything felt now compared to a year ago. Ugh, i winced at that one. A year ago i was caught up in something that proved to be so not good for me...but it feels good to have made so much progress, and also to be in a place where i love and appreciate what Darrin is and does for me.

In our talking last night, i mentioned a recent frustration to Darrin. Normally, i am quite the "shit or get off the pot" type of person. For instance...i could never understand why someone would stay in an abusive relationship. i simply cannot wrap my head around it, it makes no sense to me. i realized that that was one of the reasons why my depression was (is) so traumatizing to me - i KNEW i was feeling bad, i KNEW i was unhappy, i WANTED to change that, but i couldn't (at that time). i feel the same way about my weight issue. i feel like i try, but i can't quite gain my footing to make it up the other side of the hill. Or...to tie it back to the analogy....i'm constipated.

i bought a new car!!!

All by myself, no co-signer, i bought a brand-spankin-new car. A 2007 Honda Fit.

The Fit is go!

i love it. i love it, i love it, i love it.

It's times like this that i truly feel my addiction.

i want to eat. i want crackers and ice cream, in no particular order. More specifically, i want Wheat Thins and Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream. i have an ache in me that i can't decipher. Is it hunger? Is it all in my head?

Y'know...i've been going to a lot of websites...and i'm so tired of reading about people who are already healthy complaining about 5 pounds. It's not that i think i'm so much worse off...i just don't think people like that can understand what i'm going through.

Have lost 6 pounds this week. See that? That's my oh-so-white-girl, in-yo-face dance. Heh.

i started tracking my calories again on a site called sparkpeople.com - really a great site (and free! frugal frog says fuck yeah!) because it allows you to track what you want. For instance, i'm tracking my calories (and along with that, my fat, protein, and carbohydrate levels) by entering in what food i eat, i'm tracking how much water i drink each day, and i'm tracking the amount of exercise and calories burned each day.

Kind of had an emotional day today, but i'm feeling pretty good - i stopped at the track outside of town and walked twice around it before coming home. It was a beautiful day - windy and cool and sunny.

Fair warning: This post will be completely selfish and whiny, and probably way too emo for a 29-year-old.

*sigh* (ack! See?!)

i got really upset last night when i went to bed. i'd been quiet all day, and when i laid down, i just got overwhelmed. i know why, and i'm dumb. i was supposed to fill my prescription for my happypills on Friday, but the doctor's office was closed, sooo...no happypills for frog.

i started thinking about turning 30 soon...which lead me to wonder if i'm doing the right things with my life...which in turn lead me to complete and utter rage at myself for letting me slide back up to 270...which made me feel absolutely fugly and unlovable...which made me wonder if that's the reason Darrin doesn't feel the need for a committment...

You get the idea. i am an Olympic gold winner of cyclonic thinking.

i decided that i'm going to try (again) to limit my calories per day to 1500, and to do 30 minutes of exercise a day. i need to pick up the smaller habits again, too, like not eating after 7:30 at night. The problem is that during the week, my day is pretty full: i'm up by 4:15 in the morning, out the door between 4:45 and 5:00, and i get home usually between 6:00 and 6:30 and night. It's very difficult to want to do ANYTHING when i get home from work, but i have to change that. Maybe i should try getting up at 3:45. *just cries*

i came home tonight and crawled into bed with Darrin and just bawled. He did say that he was very glad that i came to him and told him what was going on - i know he was worried about me because i couldn't talk much at work.

i won't deny that i've had a big backslide on my whole "creating a better frog" thing. i've gained about 10 pounds back, and i'm really feeling it. i feel like i'm trying so hard, but at the same time...it's obviously not enough, and i wonder if i'm just telling myself that i'm trying so hard, and really not trying at all.

i decided that i really need to find someone (or group of someones) to hold me accountable. i need people who don't know me, have unbiased opinions and don't care if i have a headache or my feet hurt or whateverelsepoorfrogexcuseicomeupwith. Someone who expects...well...obedience, i guess, though i hate to relate this to D/s.

So.

Because of events that transpired today, i am officially actively looking for a new job. The situation is not critical enough that i need to LEAVERIGHTNOW, but i want to see what is available.

Problem is, not much IS available in this area in my field that makes as much as i do. i do a lot - accounts receivable, accounts payable, payroll, HR, Benefits administration - but don't have enough years of experience (almost 2 and a half) to make up for no degree. Plus, to find a job like this that makes what i do an hour? Near to impossible.

Anyone have need of a general office-bitch type person?

From Submissive Journal Prompts:

"Come up with as many words as you can to complete this phrase: I am a ______ slut."

Well, now...how can i resist this?

I am a dirty slut.
I am a nasty slut.
I am a delicious slut.
I am a salacious slut.
I am a stealthy slut.
I am a good slut.
I am a great slut!
I am a(n) absolute slut.
I am a sneaky slut.
I am a needy slut.
I am a fucking slut.
I am a luscious slut.
I am a freaky slut.
I am a lonely slut. =(
I am a(n) invisible slut.
I am a hungry slut.

Slut really is so limiting, though...all of those could be replaced with whore, fuck-meat, possession, fucktoy, cumslut, etc...

Though, i'm fairly certain that if someone just came up to me and called me those names, i'd burst into extremely inappropriate laughter. Unless it was someone who was so dominant that my knees would wobble without a single word. =/ In that case, i would fall over and twitch in puddle of my own cum.

*sigh*

i've been doing alright lately...pretty good, actually. After my last freakout, i've settled down a bit. i'm eating decently, and recently i've even noticed that i'm not eating when i "think" i should, but more when i'm actually hungry - and more importantly, i've been craving healthier foods, like melon and Wheat Thins. *eye roll* Oy, don't even get me started on these kicks i get on - i've decided that i totally overdosed on cashews and cannot even look at one now. i give myself treats, but i still look at labels and pay attention to serving sizes. i've found some good ice cream that is fat-free and only has 90 calories a serving (i think it's Blue Bunny? hell if i know.)

my struggle now is exercise. Bleh, i hate even typing the word. Fuck you, exercise. i've been trying to get on my bike, and i think now that the weather is cooling down some, i'd like to try walking after work.

i've been having some pretty dark urges lately...not really explicit fantasies, really, more like...images, feelings. frog is wanting to be hurt, used, welted, bled, bruised, broken...

You get the idea.

There have been no clandestine ice cream sandwiches.

Beginning on Monday, i started back on the bike. i did 20 minutes Monday and Tuesday, and today i did 25...which made me feel good. i've been doing good at work, and not bad at home. i still feel cravings, but i'm being very, very careful at evaluating my "wants" vs. my "needs". Do i -really- need that...or am i just feeling old habits?

i'm trying to slim down a little for my business trip in two weeks - my first ever. i bought really nice, professional outfits to wear, and i just want to make a good impression. i know i shouldn't, but i'll feel more comfortable if i'm comfortable in my own skin.

How sad that i'm not. How more sad that i'm STILL not.

Where are those damn bootstraps........?

You know how you watch these shows on tv...i call them "fat nights on TLC" because they always seem to come one right after another...and although it might scare you (which it does, to the point that i'm not allowed to watch them anymore, period), it still seems like something so extreme, so not-you that a part of you is almost comforted by how different you are from those people?

i realized tonight that i'm no longer different from those people.

i could have my own fat show.

i realized it because...because i went into my local Walgreens to pick up my happy pills, and came out with a bag of Twizzler's Bits and an ice cream sandwich along with those happy pills. i told myself AS I WAS WALKING IN THE DOOR that i wasn't going to get anything else, though i was going to browse through the makeup to see if there were any goodies. i specifically mentioned to myself that i was NOT going to get an ice cream sandwich (which truly are the bane of my existance).

my feet took me there anyway. my hands grabbed at the display of bags of Twizzlers on sale, and snatched at the ice cream. i did it. i did it, i did it, i did it. And i wasn't even hungry!

i really didn't think about it until i was driving home, eating the ice cream sandwich...and i realized that i was hiding it from OTHER DRIVERS. i was dropping it into my lap at stop lights, or when other cars passed me.

i was so ashamed that i was hiding my food. Unconsciously.

i really don't know what to do now. i know that there are other habits i have that are like this and more, and i feel like...well, like someone with anorexia that hides food and pushes it around on their plate to make it look like they've eaten. i feel like someone with buliema that turns the water faucet on while they hurl. i feel like...a fat person that hides their binging.

i've read all these books that talk about ways to not do this...how to think about other things, or how to choose better "binge foods" (like carrots *WTF?!*)...and logically, i get it. i'm on board, i'm on that train, giddy-up. i buy things at the grocery store that hopefully will help me accomplish this, but things like today still happen.

i feel like i have to keep trying...but i don't even know what the next step is. i've been getting on my stationary bike, and i only do about 10-15 minutes before i stop. i was doing 30! At 4 o'clock in the morning!

i don't know how to stop.

Before you ask....yes, i'm eating.

No, i don't like it.

i opened up a new post, and now...i don't know what to say.

i feel like i need to punish myself. And it makes me sad...sad because i shouldn't punish myself...and sad because i'm the only one that can.

i feel like...god, this will open a can of worms, but hey, if you can't expose yourself on a blog, where can you?...i feel like i need to starve myself. i feel a great, gaping hole inside me, and i feel like every part of me should feel the same. Funny...you'd think that i would feel like eating everything in sight to try to fill that hole.

Okay...so, yeah. i fucking hate food. i hate paying attention to nutritional values, i hate adding up calories and fat grams in my head, i hate being so stupid with food that i have to be so AWARE of it, ALL THE GODDAMN TIME, and i hate that that new drug Alli comes with a warning to bring a change of pants because you might shit yourself.

Man....fuck you, food. Fuck you and the fucking horse you rode in on.

i keep asking myself why. WHY, frog, WHY are you so messed up with food? Why can't you look at it like it should be looked at - as fuel, not comfort. i keep beating my fucking BRAINS out trying to figure out why...

And maybe i'm not supposed to know why. Maybe i'm supposed to be messed up. i mean...maybe i'll never know the WHY, but i can know HOW to live with being messed up. And even if i do know the WHY...maybe that won't mean i can automatically fix it. Maybe i'll just have the WHY without a solution.

Someone...dear god, someone just beat me into a coma. Please.

Alright, so i splurged a little this weekend. i bought two pairs of pants and three shirts - things that i feel good in so that i'll be encouraged to continue.

i also went grocery shopping today and i think i did a pretty good job. i found these little 100 calorie packs of Keebler Grasshoppers, and they are fucking awesome. i also got Popsicles that are sugar-free and only have 15 calories, Turkey Sausage brats, Slow-Churned ice cream that only has 110 calories and fat free cream cheese with only 40 calories.

Y'know...as i was typing that, i realized that i'm starting to fucking hate food.

Don't you feel, sometimes, like you just keep talking about the same stuff, over and over again? And wonder, why do people keep listening to me?

So...fair warning. This will be about the same old stuff. i won't be offended if you skip it.

i want to be able to sit here and type so many things...i want to type that i'm really trying at my diet and being successful and oh-my-gosh-look-how-much-weight-i've-lost....but i can't. Well, i could...but i'd be a big fat liar. (har har)

i haven't gained any weight, which is good. i've started drinking way more water again, which is good. i do good during the day at work. But i'm the suck when i come home. i'm not exercising.

Really, i have to start looking at this a different way. i need to be conscious when i eat, and remember that i am attempting to nourish my body, not throw it fat cells to sit on. i need to remember that i am worth taking care of, even when i have the greatest excuse not to want to (so i think). i need to remember that no one else can do this for me - that even though support is good and would be greatly appreciated, there's not a damn soul on this planet that can force me to do this. i have to make up my mind and FINISH it. i had such a good start, and i can keep going - i have 30 more pounds to loose before December 22. i was feeling so good when i was taking care of myself, i felt good about how i was taking care of myself and i felt good about how i looked. i can keep going. i can.

Right?

*grunt* dammit.

6:51am

Yesterday wasn't the greatest day of my life. It wasn't the worst, but...i've had better. Usually on Wednesdays i'm supposed to get paychecks for my 124 children. Usually the FedEx guy comes to my office between 10:30 and 11:30am...so when i didn't have them by 2pm, i started worrying. By the time i got an answer from my corporate payroll office, it was 4pm, and apparently...the paychecks had been onsite since 11:00am. i think there must have been a substitute driver or something, because they delivered it to the Plant Receiving office instead of my office, and i wasn't notified of anyone signing for them.

i was pissed. The site manager was a bit taken back that i even knew words like that. =/

So i came home irritated...i did the dishes to kind of work off some of that irritation, which helped...but i was still feeling bleh.

i realized that i was feeling really defeated. i haven't been doing well on my "diet" (god i hate that word) - i'm not gaining weight, but i'm not loosing either. i haven't done any exercise at all, when i have a stationary bike i could easily get on while watching tv or whatever. i've gotten off track of my choices with food - last night i had macaroni and cheese for dinner because it was comforting. Blah blah blah, you get the idea - i suck.

i need help. i'm going to ask Darrin to help me do some exercise every day, at least on the bike everyday. Even though i do really well with food during the day at work, i packed a slightly better lunch today, just to give me a little boost. Last week at the grocery store, i decided to get the little packets of Crystal Light-type stuff instead of getting bottles of flavored water - less trash and all, because i can refill water bottles here in the office. So i've been drinking 5-6 16oz bottles of water every day, which is good.

i need to start being conscious while i'm eating. i've realized that i can just zone out and go through the motions, eventually ending up eating way more than i was even hungry for. i need to be THERE when i eat, because obviously, something's not working. It's not in my nature to be focused on eating - which seems weird, right? But really...when i eat, i just fade out...letting myself be comforted by the motions of eating. i don't really pay attention when i eat, but i should.

Why do i do that? God, haven't i gone through all this already? Haven't i figured out that i'm an emotional eater and all that phychological hoo-ha? Why am i still struggling - is it really this hard?

i know it is...i know i'm just whining. It makes me angry that i'm still doing this to my body after going through all the stuff i've already realized.

So here's an example of how dirtynastygross the place is that i work in.

Today, a little after lunch time, a couple guys came in and set a small box on my desk and grinned at me. Immediately i was wary, not only because of the grin, but because the box had DANGER written on it.

Not very subtle, my boys.

"What is that?" i asked with great trepidation.

"It's our mascot!" they replied with great glee, and open the box with a flourish.

Inside...are not one...but TWO...baby rats.

*facepalm*

-----------------------------

Later....

i'm finding myself getting irritated very easily lately. i'll be just fine, and all of a sudden, i'm just fed up and ready to shitcan the whole world. i've been careful about taking my medicine, so i can only imagine that it's PMS. Fantastic. It's been very hard not to snap. =(

Okay, so i kind of realized that i haven't been talking much about the stuff my little blurb talks about. Soooooooooo.....

slavery - *stares*

Actually, i feel okay with where i am now. In Gor, i'm blissful. At home, i'm just kind of doing what comes naturally, and not really over-thinking things. frog not thinking seems to be doing the trick. *snicker*

weightloss -

i've done really well this week food-wise, except that i downed a whole chinese dinner bymyfreakingself tonight. But, ees o-tay - i'm not discouraged, and i shall overcome. Just need to get my fatass moving.

Sex anyone?

polyamory - Okay, we're all aware that frog has a boyfriend and a wife. Yes? Good. i wish i could hand over some freak-ish drama, but...things are pretty stable right now. fish (the wife) is going through some personal issues which i am totally supportive of, and we see each other about every other week. i see Darrin all the damn time. *L*

and general hot-cha-cha - gheezus, i don't even know what that means. Was that me trying to be cool? Oy. Frog, shut up. You suck.