into the becoming

i don't even know where to begin.

First...the hives were an allergic reaction to some antibiotics that i was given. i've been given more steriods and a stronger antihistamine to get rid of it. It's a relief that it wasn't anything having to do with all the earlier GI problems.

Last night, i was browsing a D/s message board and found a post about the importance of marriage. Someone posted that even though the marriage didn't truly change anything about their lives, it was her way of proclaiming to everyone her own committment. i told Darrin about this this morning...and i shouldn't have.

Darrin does not want to be married. There is something about the very concept of being married that sends his brain spinning backwards into retreat. i know this. i know i won't change his mind. But i also know that i -want- to be married to him. Will it change anything? No. Probably not a damn thing. We live together, manage our finances, make plans for the future already...nothing will change those things. But just as he can't help his thoughts, i can't help mine. It's something i want, and even though i've tried and tried to stop it, it's just not going away.

i'm heartbroken, and i do it to myself every time i bring the subject up. i feel guilty for wanting it...because as the slave i am, i shouldn't. Maybe i'm not truly a slave, but...i'm not trying to change his mind, i'm trying to explain to him why i feel this way. He feels bad, of course - this morning he said that he felt mean for doing this to me. What could i say? We both have the power to fix this, but neither one of us can. i told him that i do this to myself, and have no one to blame but myself. Since he hadn't yet been to sleep after being at work last night, i told him to go to sleep - he can't help me pack this away again. i have to take responsibility for this...i wish i could make it go away. i just want...i want to feel like i belong. i don't want to group him in the "boyfriend" group anymore...he's more than that, but i don't know what to call him. i don't want to feel temporary in his life...he never makes me feel that way, but the only way i can relate to this situation is how i feel, and right now, that is how this makes me feel. i want to show the entire world what he means to me...other people might not take marriage seriously, but i do.