into the becoming

This week has been quite the eye-opener for me.

For a long time, i felt like a big hypocrite. i said i was submissive, but i wasn't really...anyway, i don't want to dwell on that. i've done quite enough of that.

So, anyway. A few weeks ago, Darrin and i had a big discussion about the state of our D/s lives. i had been feeling more and more submissive towards him - not actively, but more like i was finally relaxing into my natural state. Which is weird after 6 years, right? Whatever. While we were having said big talk, he finally told me some things about how he'd felt over the years and it totally made sense to me.

Basically, i was an ass.

Moving on.

Near the end of the talk, i told Darrin that i felt like i was ready to take that step again, to be more actively submissive. He hesitated. He said that because of everything that had happened, he was a little leery of just stepping forward. i completely agreed, and felt entirely comfortable both deciding and telling him that it was completely up to him.

You see...my whole problem in the past was that...well, was because i was thinking like a submissive. i was doing things like...well, for instance, one time he gave me orders for things to do after work, and i didn't understand them. Because i didn't understand them, i didn't do them, and it led to a fight. You see? Our D/s life was all about me...and that's changed.

i know, i know. i can sit here all damn day and say that it's changed - but does anyone believe me? Hell, i don't care. i believe me. i feel different. This past week, he gave me pretty much the same orders for things to do after work...and this time, i did them without question. i understand better about the reasons why he wanted these things, so that definitely helps. Fish asked me what i got as a reward if i did these things all week....and i was seriously at a loss for words. i never even thought about a reward...it was just, he said - i did. And i was HAPPY doing it. i still don't feel like i need a reward...i even called him today to ask for permission to change things around a bit. i think that i could hear a smile in his voice when i asked...i hope so anyway.