i weighed myself this morning, and was at 263 - which means that i must have needed the calories i was eating. i also realized that i was looking forward to being able to workout again - hopefully maybe sometime this weekend, if my pleurisy clears up.

i'm reading a lot of porn. =/

i tried to go back to my normal eating routine, but apparently it was a little too soon. i'm really tired. i feel better, but i'm tired.

i feel...run down. Exhausted. Kind of sad, but i don't really have a reason to be.

Still feeling crappy. Not getting much sleep because i can't lay down. However, i made it into work this morning and got payroll done, which made me feel a little accomplished.

i'm also proud of the fact that i thought i would use being sick as an excuse to cheat on the diet, but i'm not thinking like that at all. Yay me.

Got to talk to lyric for awhile the other day, which was nice. =)

"The thing that is really hard, and is really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself." Anna Quindlen

i couldn't move enough to weigh-in this morning.

i was pretty miserable today...though at the moment i'm feeling better. Hopefully it will last, i know i'm glad i got the antibiotics in me early, because i can feel the difference.

You know what's really telling about a person? Whether or not they ask how you're doing. i've been noticing that a lot lately.

* down to 261 this morning

Okay, so i was being completely miserable and aching for sleep when i turned on the Oprah show. Do you know how hard it is to sleep when you have pleurisy? It sucks the big one. Anyway.

The topic of the Oprah show was a reaction to something called "The Secret." Google it, i'm too sick to link. Basically, "The Secret" is all about the Universal Law of Attraction.

*pauses to sneeze* It's maddening how much sneezing both hurts and makes me feel better.

The Universal Law of Attraction says that you attract the same type of energy that you put out.

Period.

Go ahead, take a moment and roll that around in your head.

So, i'm listening to all these reactions to this bigfatTheSecret, and i'm thinking....wow, i did all this a month ago, without help. This is what hit me upside the head that one (i keep wanting to say horribleterrible weekend, but it really wasn't...) life-changing weekend, when i realized that what i was doing would never be enough. i was expecting too much from the little effort i was putting out. Now that i'm putting out more effort, i'm getting the results i was looking for.

Even more importantly, it's infiltrating other areas of my life.

frog don't need no stinkin' Oprah.

Too sick last night to update. Shouldn't be up now. Brief synopsis:

- weighed in at 263 yesterday. This morning was at 261.
- ate alright, had to have macaroni and cheese because nothing else was soft enough...and it didn't even taste good.
- had a fantastic chat with midori Tuesday night, and got a call from Akodo on Wednesday. Both made me happyfrog.
- Took a nap yesterday and woke up with a fever. Went down to the Cities with Darrin, by the time we got back i was barely functional. Fever got up to 102. Coughing a lot, which means i have another chest infection - if the pain is any indicator.
- frog to bed.

Foods eaten: banana, popcorn, soup, cottage cheese, grilled marinated pork chop, cashews

Total caloric intake: 675

Exercise: office work, 30 mins on bike, 1 mile walk

Calories burned: 2891

Current weight: 264

6:51am

"Going forward is a matter of ordinariness." - Zen Saying

i am really...really tired of drama. i was thinking about it last night...trying to figure out how drama fits into my life. And i realized that i'm just tired of it. i'm not a dramatic person. In fact...i am really quite boring. i loathe conflict. But i put myself into dramatic situations, just to be interesting to people. That took up a lot of time and energy that ended up only hurting me in the long run, but also presenting a false front to other people. It's not fair to me, and it's not fair to them.

What's really sad is...i'm completely afraid that i'm simply not interesting enough for people to want to be around, to want to cultivate relationships with me. The whole..."i wonder if my friends/loved ones miss me as much as i miss them" thing. i guess i can't really do too much about that...all i can be is me. If that's not good enough, then...i guess it's not good enough.

All i want...is to find my happiness. i don't want to drag other people in to my lows, even though i am grateful for the people that care enough to be there. i just want...to be.

Maybe a part of it is that i'm afraid that i won't interest myself.

Is it possible to be boring to yourself?

On a crappier note, i somehow gained 3 pounds between yesterday morning and this morning. i'm crossing my fingers that it's muscle weight. Goddammit.

9:15am

Sometimes i'm afraid to reach out to Akodo. i know we're supposed to be friends, but...i also remember how He spoke of some of the girls and how annoyed He got when they treated Him like a "girlfriend". i want to be His friend...i want to be someone He cares about, someone He can talk to...i'm just not sure exactly how to do that. i miss Him, though.

After a few recent conversations, i'm quickly coming to the realization that i'm a dumbass. Hang on, i'll 'splain. i put some people on really, -really- high pedestals that really don't deserve it. Now, putting people on pedestals is wrong anyway, so there's one part of the dumbass-edness, but the other was that i was simply blind to the blatant qualities of these people. These aren't evil people, these aren't bad people...i was just wrong in my impression and assumption of them. (ack, i keep saying ass words..) i wanted to see a certain thing so badly that i missed all the other things that make them human. Yeah, there are fragile egos...needing attention...insecurities...but those things are normal. They aren't particularly wanted in the situation they are currently in, but it's all part of being human. i have fragile ego - it spends more time shattered in pieces than whole. i have done ugly things to gain attention, i fully admit it...i know i have insecurities. But i don't really pretend otherwise, either. Anyone who takes the time to get to know me can see these things - mostly because i'm shit at lying. i don't pretend my fragile ego is pride, or self-righteousness. It's just a fragile ego.

12:55pm

i am supa-frog. i caught a mouse! In my office! All by myself! i let it go in a dumpster - the guys here told me that mice like dumpsters.

Foods eaten: banana, yogurt, cottage cheese, soup, popcorn, tilapia filet, green beans, "mini" pickles, cashews

Total caloric intake: 720

Exercise: office work, 30 mins on bike, 1 mile walk

Calories burned: 2582

Current weight: 261

8:27am

Sometimes, i think everything would just be easier if i was a lesbian.

In fact, i'm pretty sure of it.

Damn my need for powerful Men. Dammitalltohell.

i had very strange dreams last night...mostly i remember bugs. A lot of tiny little bugs crawling all over me. Bleh.

Okay...i had a bad weekend. i felt kind of sad, i ate a lot...but i feel okay today. i've realized that when i have a regular schedule, like the work days, it's much easier for me to follow my routine. i get up at 4am, do my workout, go in to work, come home, and i eat better.

Darrin and i had another little "talk" this weekend - mostly because i snapped at him on Saturday. He was trying to "pounce" on me (i can't fucking stand that word anymore), and i just said "Stop, i don't want to." He took it better than he could have, i guess...i just...i don't know, i can't bear it. i don't know if it's that i'm no longer attracted to him, or if i feel so unattractive that i don't believe he really wants me. Right now, i don't feel like i believe him...i told him that when he springs something like that on me, after him being so distant for so long, i have no clue how to deal with it. He says that he was distant because he was giving me space. i believe he was distant because it was easier for him, and i told him that. He said that wasn't the case, but...that's been the case in the past, and i haven't seen any change.

Meh.

i wonder...if someone reading this, who has a husband, or a significant other...if that person couldn't acknowledge -all- of you...or was unable to provide for all of you, in some way...would it be worth it to stay?

3:12pm

Okay, i am awesome. i just went to the root of all evil...the vending machine. i will confess that i went with every intent of landing a Snickers bar in my hot little hand.

i walked away with a 100 calorie bag of popcorn.

*victorydance*

Foods eaten: a salad with dressing, peanuts, and olives, cottage cheese, garlic roll, blueberry muffin, popcorn, yogurt, turkey sandwich

Total caloric intake: 996

Exercise: housework, shopping

Calories burned: 1379

Current weight: 262

ohholycrap, i was bad today. Bad, bad, badbadbadbadbadfrog. A garlic roll?! Blueberry muffin?! WTF?!? Apparently, bread is my enemy. That garlic roll had at LEAST 270 calories in it - which is quickly becoming an entire MEAL for me.

GAH.

Okay.

i'm going to make mistakes. It's okay. i'm certainly not perfect. If i was, i wouldn't be on this diet. It doesn't matter if i make mistakes, what matters is what i do afterwards. Okay. Move on, frog.

It's a good thing that garlic roll was fucking amazing.

Foods eaten: 2 servings cottage cheese, 2 slices of toast, crackers, 1 Subway turkey breast wrap

Total caloric intake: 620

Exercise: 30 mins on bike

Calories burned: 1204

Current weight: 262

Today i am repeating a mantra in my head over and over again.

"When the slave is ready, the Master will find her."

Later Edit:

i am so completely grateful for the Stuff On My Cat website. Everytime i go there, it just cracks my shit up, no matter how craptacular my day has been going. Seeing the death glares of felines beneath stupid hats or a pile of random stuff just...makes the frog giggle.

Long live Stuff On My Cat.

Tonight, i'm really lonely.

i'm trying to figure out what i'm lonely for...is it companionship? No, not really. i think i'm lonely for...intimacy. i ache to feel close to someone, someone who recognizes every aspect of me and embraces it and wants it. i ache to be able to share everything with one person - instead of having to censor my words to different people.

i miss being loved. i miss having someone there who will guide me, who will protect me when i need it and cheer me on when i'm strong.

i miss not being taken for granted.

i ache for someone to want me so badly they can barely control themselves. i know the likelyhood of that happening is slim - me being the ugly duckling and all - but there is it. i want to be desired.

i want to be put to my knees. Please, god, please. i want someone's hand in my hair, i want to feel their power coursing over me, i want to hurt beneath their need for me.

i am lonely for someone to want to know every inch of my soul, and still be hungry for me.

Foods eaten: 1 serving Cheerioes with milk, 1 Subway Turkey breast wrap, cottage cheese and juice

Total caloric intake: 750

Exercise: housework

Calories burned: 1120

Current weight: 262

i got to see my family last night, which was really, really nice. They were all so supportive, and asking me questions, and telling me what they were doing. It's so good to have that.

Mom, Goon and i went to see Cirque du Soliel last night. It was a great show, really amazing.

i wish i had more to say, but that's about it. This is why i love Fridays...nice and quiet.

Foods eaten: 1 banana, cottage cheese, 1/2 chicken breast, 3 "mini" pickles, olives, 1 cup soup, 1 serving Wheat Thins crackers

Total caloric intake: 740

Exercise: Office work, 30 minutes on bike

Calories burned: 2321

Current weight: 262

7:03am

i made the right decision...i feel good about it, but i still feel like i've failed. Like i'm somehow less because i can't handle that.

Of course - logically i know that's stupid, because i'm not sure anyone could handle that. But still. Defeatist frog.

Anyway.

8:36am

21 pounds. i'm almost halfway to my goal for the entire year, and i've done it in 4 weeks. i have a feeling that the rapid weight loss was just loosing the water weight - which is why it came off so quickly. i think i'll start slowing down, going at a steadier pace now. Still thinking about increasing my exercise, but i want to be careful and not hurt my body.

1:43pm

Got to talk to lyric this afternoon, which was nice. =) she told me some...interesting things. i also told fish about my decision yesterday...i think she feels bad, like she wasn't supportive enough, but when i told her i was looking for a dose of reality, and that's exactly what she gave me.

Apparently, i still have a lot of things to work on. S'okay. If i didn't, i'd probably be dead.

Foods eaten: 1 salad with hard-boiled egg, sunflower seeds and dressing, 1 pear, 1 cup serving cottage cheese.

Total caloric intake: 440

Exercise: Office work, 30 minutes on bike, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2481

Current weight: 263

So, i had a big huge post written at work about the incredibly horrible decision i had to make today, but i left it there. And actually, i think that's better. Time to move on and such.

Notice that current weight? As of today, i've dropped 20 pounds.

Foods eaten: 1 banana, 1 pear, 3 "mini" pickles, 1 salad with sunflower seeds and dressing, cashew nuts and 1/2 a chicken breast.

Total caloric intake: 630

Exercise: Office work, 30 minutes on bike, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2481

Current weight: 265

6:48am

It started snowing as i was driving into work. It was pretty...if a grossdirtynasty factory can be pretty. =p It's kind of hard to feel beautiful and graceful when you are waddling along the 1/2 mile walk from your car to the office, picking your way along a yellow painted line mostly covered by ice like the lemming you should be, wearing a sweatshirt, a thermal hoodie, one hood pulled up under your hardhat, the other pulled up over your hardhat, a winter coat that has the consistancy of marshmellows, and steel-toed boots.

i am sexay. =/ Frog-a-licious, even.

i was talking to someone last night about people only accepting parts of you. That person's situation just...makes me angry to no end, because they shouldn't have to deal with it at all, but that's a different story. Anyway, as we were talking, i realized that my situation really isn't much different than this person's - it's just on a much smaller scale. Even though i have people that care about me and love me, no one has really fully accepted the entire me. Mostly, it's the part of me that needs to submit, the part that aches to be owned. Which is disturbing, because more and more, i'm feeling like that part is growing to encompass more of me.

i think that there are people in my life who have acknowledged that part of me...but beyond an occasional "oh yeah, that's there too" moment, it's pretty much looked over. i think that's why i cling so badly to people who even look at the slave inside me - she's so starved.

i'm still at 265, which is beginning to bother me a little. Have i plateaued already? It could just be the dregs of my period, i know...maybe this is when i bloat and retain water. my first instinct is to eat less, but i know that's bad...i've already limited my caloric intake so much that anything more would make my body go into starvation mode, and i really really don't want that. Maybe this means my body is ready for more exercise...i don't know.

Foods eaten: 1 banana, 2 servings cottage cheese, 1 salad with dressing, 1 serving of olives, 1 tilapia filet, 1 serving cashews, 8oz fruit juice

Total caloric intake: 635

Exercise: Office work, 30 minutes on bike, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2477

Current weight: 265

7:07am

"What is beyond, is that which is also here." - Ancient Indian Aphorism

12:41pm

i got a message from lyric last night, telling me that i was inspiring her with my determination and such. That was nice to hear from someone else, i hope she got my message back saying so. When i think about it, though, i don't really feel so inspirational. i'm just...doing what i can, really. What i should have -been- doing, but wasn't ready to do. So...i feel a little like a late bloomer.

Someone asked me today if i was "indirectly taking shots" at people because of my comments about realizing who my real friends were. Just to clarify, i -wasn't- taking shots at anyone. As i explained to this person, i was trying to convey the new clarity that i am seeing things in along with the realization that i shouldn't waste my energy on people i have no relationship with - that i should cultivate and nurture the friendships i do have by being an active participant in them, instead of a passive participant.

4:22pm

Craving a lot of different things today, but so far i'm holding fast. Why am i so hung up on pancakes? And do you KNOW what i would do for macaroni and cheese?

Y'know...it feels really stupid to be so focused on something like food. Food has such a negative connotation with it - even now, when i'm eating better than ever before, i can still feel people looking at me, looking at my fatness, and wondering to themselves "why can't she control herself?" For fat people, everything is different. Even if someone is trying to do the right thing, the moment a fat person has any kind of food in their hand, people immediately get disgusted.

i know the cravings will go away. i know i'll get to a point where i will be able to eat more than i do now, as far as variety goes. But until i learn those habits and they become automatic to me, i can't risk it.

How sad it is to think of how much food has ruled my life.

i've noticed that my mood has taken a little drop lately - not surprising, since i just came off my period. Hormones and all. i'm not feeling upset or depressed, just kind of quiet. The good feeling is still there, just dulled a little.

Foods eaten: 1 Chicken Cesaer wrap, 1 tilapia filet

Total caloric intake: 746

Exercise: Major housecleaning, shopping

Calories burned: 1345

Current weight: 265

i found some new tea today at the grocery store that is so yummy. Did some major housecleaning and simultaneously vowed to do more during the week. *oy*

--------------------------------

i do not want to become lax. That is what i am afraid of at this point, slowly letting my old habits in so that i return to exactly what i was.

So, frog, here's a reminder...from me to you, of exactly what you accomplish every single day.

- Every day you live. The biggest, the most simple and yet most profound accomplishment. Remember when you didn't want to live? Look at those scars on your wrists and remember. Take pride in how far you've come, and be humble to know there is always more to go.

- Every day you get out of bed. Okay, weekends don't count. But when it matters, you -do- get out of bed. Seems like such a silly struggle, doesn't it? But i know you remember when you couldn't get out of bed. When you thought that the world outside your bed would somehow know that you were badwrong, and had to hide that from that world.

- Every day you go to work. What was your nickname during college? Oh yes - the Class Bandit. you go to work when you're tired, when you're sick, when you're crying and when you feel so messed up you can barely function. But you get there.

- Every day you are following your diet plan. It's hard frog, i know. Believe me, i know. The one thing that has always comforted you is now limited. Every day you test yourself, and every day you don't give in is one more success. What is automatic to every single other person is now recognized, analyzed, and seen for what it truly is.

- Every day you are finding out more about yourself. This is the hardest one, i know. Part of you doesn't want to find out more - because you're still so scared that there's something so terribly unlovable about you. But still you continue, opening doorways that need to be open...closing others that need to be closed. It's so easy to fall into old habits, but every day is one step closer to adapting those habits into good ones.

Lots of thoughts coming after writing that. i wish i didn't have to be so strong, because i don't think i am. i wish i didn't have to separate myself from people i care about in order to have any kind of relationship with them at all. i wish...god i wish i wasn't the person telling myself these things.

Will i ever be good enough?

Foods eaten: 1 pear, 1 tilapia filet, green beans, salad with french dressing, cottage cheese, dinner roll

Total caloric intake: 554

Exercise: 30 minutes on bike

Calories burned: 946

Current weight: 265

i'm beginning to realize more and more who my friends really are. Now that my eyes are open to so much, now that i can see my behavior for what it was, it seems like i can also see the behavior of others more clearly.

Clarity is an amazing thing, really. When you're ready for it.

i'm amazed at myself, actually...even through all the crap i've been through lately, through all the sludge i'm bringing up and dealing with, i feel pretty good. Not in the moment of sludge-regurgitation, obviously...but in a general, all around kind of way. i feel calm...maybe even confident? Holy crap, that'd be a first. Is there even such a thing as a confident frog?

It's the calm feeling that amazes me. It's almost like...i want to capture it and hold it up and stare at it, touch it to make sure it's real.

*poke*

Foods eaten: 1 serving cereal with milk, 2 scrambled eggs, 2 pieces of toast, 1/4 cup serving of cashews.

Total caloric intake: 730

Exercise: 30 minutes on bike

Calories burned: 932

Current weight: 266

i was thinking today about internalization vs. externalization. It was one of the topics that was touched on during my phone conversation the other night. Strangely enough, i was thinking about it while i was waiting for the doctor this morning. i was asked a question during the call that made me stop and think - if i found myself alone, sitting on a porch or something with maybe a pencil and a piece of paper, could i be entertained? And as i was waiting in the exam room, i realized that i do that all the time - i get lost in my thoughts, entertain myself. Which is good, except that i was projecting a reality into those thoughts that simply wasn't there.

i started thinking about internalization vs. externalization as it relates to slavery. i think that the most profound slavery comes once it has been internalized - instead of depending on an outside source to -put- you in that place. Actually...now that i think about it, i think internalization is important for everything. For instance...once i internalized my relationship with food, i was able to change it for the better.

Huh.

i also got to talk to midori for awhile last night. she's so amazing, and been such a great friend to me even when i really, -really- didn't deserve it. i hope she knows how much i appreciate her.

Foods eaten: 1 banana, 2 1/2 cup serving cottage cheese, 1 salad with dressing and 1 hardboiled egg, 1 Tilapia filet and 1/4 of cashews.

Total caloric intake: 815

Exercise: 30 minutes on bike, officework, 1 mile walk

Calories burned: 2636

Current weight: 267

6:45am

i had a really great phone conversation last night. Surprising, right? Since i become a mute when i'm on the phone for some reason and all..*L* But last night i was jabbering away. We talked about a lot of things, including the stuff that's been going on with me. i am a moderator for a community that He set up, and we talked more about the goal of the community and everything. He said a lot of things that made complete and utter sense to me. At one time, we happened to be talking about BDSM groups, and He was explaining that they were like a necessary evil to Him - good that the awareness is out there, but bad because BDSM has become so...politized. i agreed, because i saw it in the group i was in. BDSM has become so entrenched in rules and policies and "the right way to do things" and safewords and "SSC" and "RASK". As openminded as "lifestylers" are, they recoil from things that are seen as extreme - even the M/s philosophy itself. He then commented that so much of BDSM seems like a rehearsed play - everything revolving around specific movements and words and "scenes", people having to almost get into an acting role. i've seen this, even with fish's husband. We used to call him "SuperDom" because when he would go to the play parties, he would puff up and be mean just to be mean, clearly protecting a fragile ego. Being a Dominant Man isn't about saying the right words or how well you flog someone, it's about the self-assurance, confidence and strength. What -really- disappointed me was watching the people that would follow him around like he was all special, when really...he was just being a petulant child.

While we were talking about what it takes to be a Dominant Man, He said something else that struck me - He said He didn't "fetishize the fetish". He doesn't build a shrine to His toys, He doesn't make a big production of what He does, He doesn't place importance on the tools that isn't really there - His example was that collars and leashes are means to control a person, period.

i know what you're thinking - don't get excited, frog, you tend to read too much into things. *chuckles* Surprisingly enough, i'm not getting all flingy about Him. It was just really, really nice to be able to really talk to someone about things that are important to me, to have a conversation that was interactive and that i was -able- to be interactive in. It's always nice to have the things you believe in verbalized back to you by someone else.

10:50am

Akodo told me this morning that i shouldn't stay away from Him, because He liked talking to me. =) i haven't really been avoiding Him, i just am sort of feeling out the boundaries and erring on the side of caution. After this last snafu, i don't really want to fuck up again.

During the phone call last night, we were talking about my weight loss, and i realized that i'm being successful at it because i finally changed my mind. i needed to open my eyes to my relationship with food and exercise, and once i did, it was like i saw everything else in my life that needed a positive change. That's why it's all happening at once...which helps me understand it, and also makes me feel a little proud that i was finally ready to work on those things.

2:03pm

Does it seem like all i do is write things for my blog while i'm at work? i swear i'm working.

i went out for lunch with my awesome boss (the first thing she said to me when i walked in was "Let's get you a raise!" *L* Uh, okay!), and we were talking about the whole weight loss thing, and i realized that i really do -feel- so much better. Is it possible that the food i was eating bogged me down that much? Could the food i was eating have contributed to my depression? Man, that's a scary thought. i have much more energy, i've been in a good mood for the past WEEK, which is astounding in and of itself really.

i still want pancakes, though. When fish and i were out shopping this past weekend, we were at Bath & Body Works and found lip gloss that was pancake-flavored, ishityounot. i almost died. i would have bought 5 of them, but they were $6.00 each and i couldn't do it. Pancake flavored lip gloss!! WTF?!

Foods eaten: 1 banana, 1 1/2 cup serving cottage cheese, 1 turkey cutlet, 1 1/2 serving green beans, 1 salad with dressing, 1 chicken breast.

Total caloric intake: 530

Exercise: 30 minutes on bike, officework, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2498

Current weight: 267



6:49am

PMS begins. *ack* i had so many cravings last night. Right now all i want are pancakes. And macaroni and cheese. *stomp* Stoopid female crap.

Otherwise this morning, i'm feeling pretty good. i stayed off the computer last night and watched American Idol and House, and went to bed early. i also sent Nate a congratulations card because he's doing really well in his classes, and i know it's nice to get a boost once in awhile.

11:51am

i've been thinking about lyric - wondering if she'll get in touch with me. i know that she feels that she has a lot of reasons to be upset with me, but if she'd just talk to me, maybe i could help her understand. i also know she's got a lot of other stuff going on right now, so i'm just...being patient. i wonder how often we'll talk now that Gor isn't involved...guess we'll see.

4:24PM

Something is going on over at the Oil House. They just evacuated all of our guys from there (which, i have to say i'm really proud of the way the supervisors handled it with only radios to communicate with) - i haven't heard what yet. That just scares me. If the Oil House goes boom, the office i'm in sits too close - with the amount of hexane that's in the Oil House, i'll be blown to smithereens.

What am i doing here again?

Beyond that...one thing that i've noticed lately is that whenever i think i'm hungry, i pause and ask myself if i'm -really- hungry. i never realized how often i ate when i was just bored. Lawls does that make me feel gross. i can just picture myself staring dumbly at nothing, shovelling food in my mouth. *shudders* Jesus. i seriously can't believe how much i've changed in such a short amount of time. i guess all it takes is a wake-up call...except that i had about 5 wake-up calls at once. If i stop to think about it, i'm amazed that i'm keeping up without freaking right the fuck out. i must be ready for it, otherwise i'd be panicking hardcore.

Foods eaten: 1 pear, 2 1/2 cup servings of cottage cheese, 3 "mini" pickles, a salad with olives and dressing, 1 turkey cutlet.

Total caloric intake: 655

Exercise: 30 minutes on bike, officework, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2462

Current weight: 267

6:53am

"Knowledge comes but wisdom lingers." - Alfred, Lord Tennyson

How appropo.

As i went through the day yesterday, i began to feel more calm. i couldn't really put a finger on it, until i started talking to Akodo later on.

i realized that even though i still -feel- the same as i described, it ain't helping. It's only creating bad things, not just for me, but for people i care about. If i want good things to happen, then i need to create good things, and that includes creating good things for people i care about.

i feel like i've finally done the separation i needed.

Akodo voiced some...disbelief over what i was saying. Who can blame Him? i'm running from one extreme to another. i guess though, if you think about it, i'm really not...i'm just dealing with the same feelings differently. i asked Him for time to prove that i mean what i say - i can't make Him believe me just with words because my words have been all over the damn place lately. i have to prove it by consistant actions.

i don't know why it's different now. Maybe i'm just ready to deal with it.

Amazingly enough, i also feel like spending more time with Darrin...even though i know it won't lead to anything M/s related at all. It's not an overpowering feeling, just...i don't know. i guess i'm trying to find the joys in my life as it is.

The ache is still there...oh, i don't know if it'll ever go away. Since all this started a week ago, the ache has been slowing shifting in focus, away from Akodo. Now, it almost seems sharper...more acute because there's no focus.

Still haven't made up my mind about Gor. Maybe i'll be smarter now. i dunno.

Foods eaten: 1 banana, one salad with Italian dressing and sunflower seeds, one serving of cashews, 1 serving of cereal with milk, two pieces of toast.

Total caloric intake: 785

Exercise: 30 minutes on stationary bike, officework, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2329

Current weight: 268

7:04am

i bought a desk calendar of Zen quotes over the weekend. Here are a few from the days i've already torn away:

"The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced." - Zen saying (fish is always saying that i look at things with my "professor glasses" on too much - everything is a problem so that i can solve it.)

"I know what the great cure is: it is to give up, to relinquish, to surrender, so that our little hearts may beat in unison with the great heart of the world." - Henry Miller

"All beings by nature are Buddha, as ice by nature is water. Apart from water there is no ice; apart from beings, no Buddha." - Hakuin, "Song of Zazen"

"An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly understood; an inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly understood." - G.K. Chesterson

"Lose your mind and come to your senses." - Fritz Perls

"Consider a three-story building. The first floor is where we usually live. The second floor is the level of kensho, or enlightenment. The third floor is the domain to which Dogen summons us, and to reach it, obviously, you have to go by way of the second. But some people quit at the second floor, mistakenly believing they've arrived at the roof. And also let me remind you that above the roof lie boundless skies. Thus, the reality of our practice is that we must clarify ourselves endlessly." - Ko'un Yamada

"The aspects of things that are most important for us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity." - Ludwig Wittgenstein (Holy geez, this one hit me hard.)

"The mind is the Buddha himself." - Ma-tsu

"Seeking the mind with the mind - is not this the greatest of all mistakes?" - Seng-tsan

"Let Him be only that He is and as He is, and make Him no otherwise. Seek no further in Him but subtlety of wit." - The Cloud of Unknowing

"There ain't no answer. There ain't gonna be any answer. There never has been an answer. There's the answer." - Gertrude Stein (i heart Gertrude. Always have.)

"We know only that our entire existence is forced into new paths and disrupted, that new circumstances, new joys and new sorrows await us, and that the unknown has its uncanny attractions, alluring and at the same time anguishing." - Heinrich Heine

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Last night i began to understand or open my eyes to a few more things. i wondered why it was so important that i continue to be involved with Akodo and lyric - why was the feeling that i should extricate myself from their lives hurt so much? i do have that feeling...i think maybe because even though i believe they both care for me, their involvement with me is Gor-related. Yes, we've spoken about rt things, but...the majority of the involvement is Gor-related. And now they are thinking of leaving Gor to begin something new...which i actually think is a great idea for them.

Last night was also the first time that i've considered leaving Gor seriously. i've not made up my mind. i need to consider more what exactly i am getting out of my time there, and what i am -expecting- to get out of my time there.

12:46pm

Got an email from Akodo this morning. i'm trying to explain that i'm not clinging to Him as a Master...i'm clinging to Him as a person, as someone in my life i don't want to loose. i'm not sure that idea is being understood. i can see how it can be confusing considering my actions of late, but my truth is unravelling faster than i can pick it back up again.

Here is my email in reply to His:

"*sighs*

I understand Your viewpoint. Most of what You've said I agree with. I've already expressed how sorry I am for getting so distracted. I did a terrible thing, and I know it.

However, I left last night for one single reason - I was getting too upset and needed to clear my head. NOT in any way, shape, or form because of seeing You and lyric together.

During the time away last night, I realized that part of my problem was the lack of differentiation between Gor and rt, which is totally and completely my fault. i was Yours in Gor, but not in rt. I was so desperate that I either couldn't see or didn't want to see the line that was there.

Last night was the first time that I have seriously considered leaving Gor. I haven't made up my mind yet, but it may be something I need to do, to get my life straight.

Please understand these things, Master:

- I am not, in any way, upset or jealous over Your relationship with angel.
- You are right, at first I clung to You out of desperation. Now, I know that it is because of the Man You are, and the person You are to me. I am trying not to cling anymore, but it is difficult to separate sometimes. I've mentioned this in my blog.
- The hurt that I am feeling comes from ONE reason - the feeling that I am loosing two very important people in my life. Period. I have worked through everything else I thought it might be, again something I've mentioned in my blog.

I am going through many...many changes right now, Master, and most of them involve very ugly realizations about myself that I have to face and accept. Please believe me when I say that I am trying - Your lessons are very important to me and not something I am going to take for granted. I want You to be proud of me, I want to be special to You, I want You to be happy with the work You put into me.

You are right - You trained me. You owned me, You sought to improve me. But to be perfectly honest, I took it the wrong way. You were very clear on Your intentions when this all began, but I read too much into the words, the poems, the experiences, and now, I'm paying the price by loosing something that has meant the world to me. Your ownership is...intoxicating, and even someone caught on the edge of Your whirlwind like I was needs time to decompress. It will happen, Master. You've taught me things that are making these changes possible - otherwise I would still be that ugly person that I don't want to be. I AM working through it.

I only ask that You give me time to explain myself, and please, please don't give up on me."

Meh. One more jot on the pro side for leaving Gor - apparently i plow right through boundary lines like a Mack truck on a Geo Metro. i am bulldozer frog.

Foods eaten:

Total caloric intake:

Exercise:

Calories burned:

Current weight:

6:11pm

i miss my friends.

8:42pm

sairah (Wild Gants) says:
i don't know how to not be Yours, Master. You've trained me to be this way, and i don't know how to be now.

sairah (Wild Gants) says:
i'm sorry. God, i'm sorry. i miss You...god, i miss You....please, Master...

sairah (Wild Gants) says:
i want to scream...i want to beg You, Master, i can't stop....i have never...NEVER felt so out of place, so left behind and....so stupid.

sairah (Wild Gants) says:
what am i supposed to do, Master? For the past YEAR You've trained me to be Yours, and i can't just....turn it off....i don't WANT to turn it off....

sairah (Wild Gants) says:
tell me what to do, Master...please, tell me how to turn it off.

sairah (Wild Gants) says:
You know what hurts the most, Master? *quietly* Being separated from my friends. i wish...god, i wish i could show You how glad i am for Your decisions...i just can't deal with not being able to to talk to You, or her.

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So...yeah. i'm ugly tonight.

i just...i feel like i'm expected to just...turn off this need for Him that He's taught me over the past year. Yeah, i got distracted, and believe me, i am paying the very expensive price for that, but it never stopped being Him. He's taught me and trained me, and now...He's taken it away, and i'm left completely clueless as to where to go next.

So goes the price for my stupidity, eh?