into the becoming

Foods eaten: 1 banana, one salad with Italian dressing and sunflower seeds, one serving of cashews, 1 serving of cereal with milk, two pieces of toast.

Total caloric intake: 785

Exercise: 30 minutes on stationary bike, officework, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2329

Current weight: 268

7:04am

i bought a desk calendar of Zen quotes over the weekend. Here are a few from the days i've already torn away:

"The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced." - Zen saying (fish is always saying that i look at things with my "professor glasses" on too much - everything is a problem so that i can solve it.)

"I know what the great cure is: it is to give up, to relinquish, to surrender, so that our little hearts may beat in unison with the great heart of the world." - Henry Miller

"All beings by nature are Buddha, as ice by nature is water. Apart from water there is no ice; apart from beings, no Buddha." - Hakuin, "Song of Zazen"

"An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly understood; an inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly understood." - G.K. Chesterson

"Lose your mind and come to your senses." - Fritz Perls

"Consider a three-story building. The first floor is where we usually live. The second floor is the level of kensho, or enlightenment. The third floor is the domain to which Dogen summons us, and to reach it, obviously, you have to go by way of the second. But some people quit at the second floor, mistakenly believing they've arrived at the roof. And also let me remind you that above the roof lie boundless skies. Thus, the reality of our practice is that we must clarify ourselves endlessly." - Ko'un Yamada

"The aspects of things that are most important for us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity." - Ludwig Wittgenstein (Holy geez, this one hit me hard.)

"The mind is the Buddha himself." - Ma-tsu

"Seeking the mind with the mind - is not this the greatest of all mistakes?" - Seng-tsan

"Let Him be only that He is and as He is, and make Him no otherwise. Seek no further in Him but subtlety of wit." - The Cloud of Unknowing

"There ain't no answer. There ain't gonna be any answer. There never has been an answer. There's the answer." - Gertrude Stein (i heart Gertrude. Always have.)

"We know only that our entire existence is forced into new paths and disrupted, that new circumstances, new joys and new sorrows await us, and that the unknown has its uncanny attractions, alluring and at the same time anguishing." - Heinrich Heine

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Last night i began to understand or open my eyes to a few more things. i wondered why it was so important that i continue to be involved with Akodo and lyric - why was the feeling that i should extricate myself from their lives hurt so much? i do have that feeling...i think maybe because even though i believe they both care for me, their involvement with me is Gor-related. Yes, we've spoken about rt things, but...the majority of the involvement is Gor-related. And now they are thinking of leaving Gor to begin something new...which i actually think is a great idea for them.

Last night was also the first time that i've considered leaving Gor seriously. i've not made up my mind. i need to consider more what exactly i am getting out of my time there, and what i am -expecting- to get out of my time there.

12:46pm

Got an email from Akodo this morning. i'm trying to explain that i'm not clinging to Him as a Master...i'm clinging to Him as a person, as someone in my life i don't want to loose. i'm not sure that idea is being understood. i can see how it can be confusing considering my actions of late, but my truth is unravelling faster than i can pick it back up again.

Here is my email in reply to His:

"*sighs*

I understand Your viewpoint. Most of what You've said I agree with. I've already expressed how sorry I am for getting so distracted. I did a terrible thing, and I know it.

However, I left last night for one single reason - I was getting too upset and needed to clear my head. NOT in any way, shape, or form because of seeing You and lyric together.

During the time away last night, I realized that part of my problem was the lack of differentiation between Gor and rt, which is totally and completely my fault. i was Yours in Gor, but not in rt. I was so desperate that I either couldn't see or didn't want to see the line that was there.

Last night was the first time that I have seriously considered leaving Gor. I haven't made up my mind yet, but it may be something I need to do, to get my life straight.

Please understand these things, Master:

- I am not, in any way, upset or jealous over Your relationship with angel.
- You are right, at first I clung to You out of desperation. Now, I know that it is because of the Man You are, and the person You are to me. I am trying not to cling anymore, but it is difficult to separate sometimes. I've mentioned this in my blog.
- The hurt that I am feeling comes from ONE reason - the feeling that I am loosing two very important people in my life. Period. I have worked through everything else I thought it might be, again something I've mentioned in my blog.

I am going through many...many changes right now, Master, and most of them involve very ugly realizations about myself that I have to face and accept. Please believe me when I say that I am trying - Your lessons are very important to me and not something I am going to take for granted. I want You to be proud of me, I want to be special to You, I want You to be happy with the work You put into me.

You are right - You trained me. You owned me, You sought to improve me. But to be perfectly honest, I took it the wrong way. You were very clear on Your intentions when this all began, but I read too much into the words, the poems, the experiences, and now, I'm paying the price by loosing something that has meant the world to me. Your ownership is...intoxicating, and even someone caught on the edge of Your whirlwind like I was needs time to decompress. It will happen, Master. You've taught me things that are making these changes possible - otherwise I would still be that ugly person that I don't want to be. I AM working through it.

I only ask that You give me time to explain myself, and please, please don't give up on me."

Meh. One more jot on the pro side for leaving Gor - apparently i plow right through boundary lines like a Mack truck on a Geo Metro. i am bulldozer frog.