into the becoming

Foods eaten: 1 banana, 2 8oz servings of juice, 1 cup milk, one salad consisting of turkey and ham with spinach, lettuce and carrots and Italian dressing, plus 1/2 cup of cottage cheese.

Total caloric intake: 575

Exercise: 30 minutes on stationary bike

Calories burned: 978

Current weight: 268

11:08am

Ah, Friday. The day for sleeping in.

i wonder how far i would go to see Him happy? Can i honestly say that i would do anything? Anything encompasses a lot of things...everything, actually. There are things that He could ask of me that...would kill me. He could put me in so much agony...the agony i've already been through is nothing compared to what He could do. And here i am, giving willingly to this danger. i won't ever be His completely, and here i am.

Here i am. Everything.

2:06pm

"Truth is not terrible; it is merely real."

It is a quote, from Blood Brothers of Gor. It was included in a brilliant essay lyric wrote about the fairness of Gor, that Akodo posted in a thread on the topic.

It made me think of my own reality. my reality is...painful at moments. More moments than i care to have. But my reality is not something i can turn away from, hide from, run away from. my reality is real. It may be painful, but it is not terrible. i must...need this pain. i can hope for it to go away...but i can't ignore it. i believe that i have opened my eyes to it...i only hope i don't close them in fear.

2:42pm

i was talking to Akodo, and i got overwhelmed again. i want to scream, i want to rage at the Universe, i want to sink my hands into my hair and pull it away from my head. i'm not angry...i miss something that isn't even known to me yet, and it's so incredibly frustrating and...sad. And still, it's all about fucking me. It's all about the need i have, the ache that sickens me, how i long for a strong hand in my hair instead of my own, how i need the freedom to worship, how i long for someone....god, anyone, please...to know me. Right now, all i can feel is this ache inside me, and it's clawing at my insides with a strength i didn't know existed and am scared of.

8:36pm

15 pounds. i don't really believe it, i don't think. i don't feel it.