into the becoming

Foods eaten: 1 cup melon, 2 17oz bottles of water, 1 cup green beans + big purple cup of water (i don't know how much can fit in there). Dinner consisted of 1 grilled tilapia filet (which i'd never tried before), two small pickles and 10 olives.

Total caloric intake: 257

Exercise: 30 minute "Core Rhythms" work out, general office busyness, housework, grocery shopping

Calories burned: 1542!

Current weight: 275 (i discovered i need to weigh myself in the mornings)

Written during work:

Today i did my Core Rhythms workout in the morning. i definitely struggled to get out of bed at 4 in the morning, but i did it. i was a little later than normal getting to work because i had to scrounge for food i could eat, but that will change after i get groceries tonight.

i got sad last night again...i miss Him, and i miss lyric. i'm glad that they are going to be concentrating more on r/t - i think that v/t drama is never good for a long term, real life relationship.

i'm happy and excited for this opportunity that He's given me, but...yeah, i hurt. i cried last night again, and i woke up feeling that ache. But i know that everything He gives me is something i need to learn from, so i'm happy that i'm not spiralling out of control like i was before.

It made me wonder, actually, if that whole time between being in His collar the first time and the second time was just one big grieving process for me...which is why begging for His collar the second time was the wrong thing for me to do. i had been talking to lyric about it the night i begged, and she told me that i'd never know unless i tried...but i don't think i should have taken that as encouragement to do it. Basically...all she said was a true statement - i would never know if i never tried. Good advice, really. But in this situation, i should have listened more to that uneasy feeling i had, then taking the "reassuring" way out. Stupid, silly frog.

Written after work:

i'm more excited today about the eating plan - mostly because i went to the grocery store after work and stocked up. i guess i do still get excited about food. =/ i got turkey filets and tilapia filets (which are awesome) and more fruit. i made up my lunch for tomorrow, so that i don't have to mess with it in the morning.

i had a weird experience at the grocery store, though. i was walking down the aisles, and i realized just how HORRIBLE most things are! Usually i'm all "Come to butthead" but today...i actually saw a woman holding a cake in her hand and wanted to smack it to the ground! A fucking CAKE!!

Holy crap. Cake.