into the becoming

Foods eaten: 1 banana, 1 chicken breast, 1/2 cup green beans. For dinner, i had 1/2 cup of cottage cheese and a salad that included cauliflower, sunflower seeds, hard-boiled eggs and a small amount of dressing.

Total caloric intake: 576

Exercise: 30 minutes on stationary bike, general office work, walked 1/2 mile

Calories burned: 1620

Current weight: 271

Written at work:

7:26am

(Pain)
Without love
(Pain)
Can't get enough
(Pain)
And i like it rough
Cause i'd rather feel pain than
nothing at all
- Three Days Grace

i heard this song on the radio this morning on the way into work. While it had rather emo-ish overtones, the basic idea of the lyrics gave me pause as to why i consistently seek out "feeling" something. Usually it ends badly, and it's more like punishing myself than anything. But maybe i'm so afraid of never feeling good that i...push myself onto other people, squeezing every inch of any kind of emotion from them even if they aren't feeling it at all. Like...an emotional vampire.

God, that's ugly. Selfish and ugly.

Another ugliness in this morning's meditations was the realization that sometimes...when i see Akodo and lyric interacting, i mistake the need and the ache that creates in me to feel that with someone as being envious of His time. Part of it is wanting Him, but because i'm so close to both of them, i guess i was blind to the line so obviously drawn in the sand.

So...yeah. Not a pretty morning at all.

Breathe deep, froggie-girl. you're on the right path...just need to make it through the thorns first. you've been through worse, you can make it.

10:02am

Oh, lord. Akodo said i could call Him at lunch. Gah...i have no reason to cry, but as soon as i hear Him i know i will, because i'm an emotional baby. With everything that's been going on, with everything i've thought about and realized and faced the last few days, being allowed to hear Him is just...a wee bit overwhelmingnervewrackingohmygodpleasedontletmethrowuporpeemyself.

3:07pm

i didn't pee myself. AND i didn't cry. Yay. me. It was so...good to hear Him and talk to Him again. Good, and yummy, and warm and yeah, my head kept going to the gutter. =/ Oh, the things that go on in my head.

Written after work:

We went out for dinner tonight, and i had my first "true" test. i picked the restaurant because it offers more healthy foods, but i forgot about the cheesecake and frozen yogurt. *gah* i am officially mourning cheesecake.

*sniff*