into the becoming

274.

I found myself torn between two states of mind today. The first was familiar - I wanted to figure out just how I had let myself get back up to 274. I wanted to linger and marinate in the past, going over every minute detail and punishing myself for every bad decision, every morsel of food that I didn't need. The second was newer to me, and I'm sort of eyeballing it with a wary caution. I felt ready to move on - to take that factual information of 274 and implement it into a new direction.

Weird. But hey...I've got nothing to loose in trying a new direction. Except about 100 pounds.

So on the way to work today, I started thinking about things I wanted to start doing. I want to start writing in my blog more. I want to start exercising more. Okay, check. What about things I'm doing now that I want to continue doing? I want to continue taking care of the house like we have in the past couple of weeks. I want to keep making dinner at night and eating at the table, instead of in the living room. I want to keep being mindful of the food I am eating, and I want to keep trying to eat more vegetables. I want to continue bringing healthy (interesting that I originally typed in "good" and then backspaced...) food into work with me. Alright - I'm already doing these things, so I should be able to keep them up.

When I got up this morning, I set my alarm so that I could wake up in time to get on the bike for 30 minutes in the morning. I can watch the news while I do it so that it goes by faster, and plan out what I want to wear that day, too. I'm really trying to not jinx myself by thinking that it'll be too hard, or that I won't do it. If I can, then I will have my 30 minutes of exercise in each day before I get home from work, and if I feel I have enough energy to do more, I can before or after dinner. Plus, I remember that when I was exercising in the morning before, I was feeling more energized in the morning - which can't hurt.

I just looked on WedMD, and their BMI Calculator doohickey says that I should be weighing somewhere between 125 and 169 to be healthy. Hrm. I actually think that's a little low for me...I still would like to hit somewhere between 190 and 200 and see where that leaves me. It also says that my caloric intake for each day should be around 1900. I know I can do it...hell, I was restricting myself to 500 calories a day at one point. I know that I usually eat around 700 calories during the day at work, so that leaves plenty for a good dinner. I don't really think I need to concentrate much on my eating habits - I think I've done enough work on that over this past year that I feel comfortable where I am right now, I might just need to watch myself more at dinner time.

Right now though...I can feel the creeping darkness start in around the edges of my vision. Nice image, eh? That's what it feels like...like my peripheral vision is clouded, and it's steadily affecting how I see things. I feel ugly, and upset, and a whole bunch of other undesirable u-words. It's probably just due to getting my period soon, but in the moment...sometimes it still feels like it can stay forever. I need to stay busy, at least until I get home.