i don't even know where to begin.

First...the hives were an allergic reaction to some antibiotics that i was given. i've been given more steriods and a stronger antihistamine to get rid of it. It's a relief that it wasn't anything having to do with all the earlier GI problems.

Last night, i was browsing a D/s message board and found a post about the importance of marriage. Someone posted that even though the marriage didn't truly change anything about their lives, it was her way of proclaiming to everyone her own committment. i told Darrin about this this morning...and i shouldn't have.

Darrin does not want to be married. There is something about the very concept of being married that sends his brain spinning backwards into retreat. i know this. i know i won't change his mind. But i also know that i -want- to be married to him. Will it change anything? No. Probably not a damn thing. We live together, manage our finances, make plans for the future already...nothing will change those things. But just as he can't help his thoughts, i can't help mine. It's something i want, and even though i've tried and tried to stop it, it's just not going away.

i'm heartbroken, and i do it to myself every time i bring the subject up. i feel guilty for wanting it...because as the slave i am, i shouldn't. Maybe i'm not truly a slave, but...i'm not trying to change his mind, i'm trying to explain to him why i feel this way. He feels bad, of course - this morning he said that he felt mean for doing this to me. What could i say? We both have the power to fix this, but neither one of us can. i told him that i do this to myself, and have no one to blame but myself. Since he hadn't yet been to sleep after being at work last night, i told him to go to sleep - he can't help me pack this away again. i have to take responsibility for this...i wish i could make it go away. i just want...i want to feel like i belong. i don't want to group him in the "boyfriend" group anymore...he's more than that, but i don't know what to call him. i don't want to feel temporary in his life...he never makes me feel that way, but the only way i can relate to this situation is how i feel, and right now, that is how this makes me feel. i want to show the entire world what he means to me...other people might not take marriage seriously, but i do.

Sooooooooo i went to the walk in clinic that the local hospital has yesterday, and got all sorts of medication. More specifically, i got predizone (sp?) to counter-act the allergic-reationness that's all up in my bloodstream. i'm sooooooooo relieved that it's working, i could tell a difference by dinnertime last night, and today it's so way better. Even the itching is better. i am supposed to take one predizone in the morning, and also one Zantac in the morning, then another Zantac at night along with 50 mgs of Benedryl - i tried that last night, and omg, i was on speed. Whooooooooshit. So far tonight i've only taken the Zantac, and we'll see how it goes, i have some Benedryl creme that i can use if i get itchy.

i think i'm going to join Curves. i have a handle on my eating (mostly), and i think that if i need to adjust that i can do that myself. my big issue is exercise...as in, my motivation is non-existant. i figure that i will have a few things going for me at Curves - i'll be paying for it, so i won't waste my damn money and NOT go, the workout is balanced and guided out, and it's close to where i park for work. There is a Curves here in town, but by the time i get in town, i want to be home, so i figure it's best to do it in the town i work in. That means i can get at least 4 days of working out in, and the other days i can walk or do the bike or something.

Need to do more, need to fight harder.

More health crap

i am Jack's hive-ridden self.

bleh.

Last week, on Friday, i noticed red spots on my neck, near the bottom. Weird, i thought. Then, i noticed a few more, and then on Saturday, my chest, boobs, and belly exploded, along with the back of my neck. Sunday the spots were crawling into the hairline along the back of my neck, and spreading further down my back and belly. Monday and Tuesday it began travelling down my arms and wrists, Wednesday the back of my hands, and Thursday saw the first begin popping up on the backs of my thighs, with every other place still looking as bad if not worse.

Fuck this ALL to hell.

i had a complete and total hissy fit on Wednesday because i itched so bad, even with Benadryl AND Benedryl creme. Thursday i had a wheezing attack after spending two hours outside, and Friday i tried to sleep as much as i possibly could because sleep = no itching. Today i gave in and went to a walk-in clinic that the hospital in town has - the doctor said that because it was generalized and not localized, it was probably something i ate or drank and was now in my bloodstream. Yay me. So i am now taking predizone and zantac, and also a double-dose of Benedryl at night.

Again i say - fuck this ALL TO HELL.

It really wouldn't be so bad with the itching. i can deal with the itching. But like this morning, when i had to show the doctor what was going on, i nearly broke into tears because i felt so horribly -ugly-. Everytime anyone looks at me, i want to cry because i feel so...i don't know, almost ashamed i guess. Even though it's something mostly out of my control, i just feel too ugly to even look at. It's a terrible, awful feeling.

Where the freak have i been?

i've been writing a lot of things here that i haven't published. It was strange at first, to first know that what i was going to write wasn't going to be seen by anyone, and then to simply stare at those thoughts finally written down. Sometimes i didn't even look at the screen, i just stared at my fingers as they hit the keys louder and louder. i'm not done...but it feels good to know that i have an outlet for things that maybe i'm afraid to say otherwise.

Otherwise, i've been well. Took a week-long trip to San Francisco with my mom and sister, got thoroughly sick both before and during, and came home not much more rested than when i left. BUT, it was a great trip.

i have really been feeling the stress lately...so much so that even Darrin noticed. When i called him as i was leaving work, he proclaimed that we were going out to eat and we were going to eat until we simply couldn't anymore. Um, okay. =) So the frog laid into some potato skins, a salad and a huge-astic portion of seafood alfredo. Aaaaaaaand we stopped at Dairy Queen on the way back into town.

i totally take full responsibility for any weight gain, and tell it to shove it up it's own fat ass.

Unofficially...it's not a hernia.

*shakes out the voice of the Governator...it's not a tuuumah...*

i went for an Upper GI test on Wednesday, and while mid-swallow, the doctor said that he couldn't see anything wrong with my stomach or surrounding areas. i sort of left the hospital in a daze, and broke into tears in my car. No hernia is a good thing, i know...but see, i walked into that hospital pretty sure of what was going on, and i walked out not having any idea what is wrong with me. Since i'm a "fixer", this was a bit of a shock to my system.

So...i'm not sure exactly what will happen next...but...okay.

Darrin and i had sex this morning...we haven't really gotten a chance to lately what with all the health problems, but it was just what i needed i think. It was long, slow...sweet and unhurried. It's been a long time since it's been like that, and it was...well, gloriously messy.

i have a whozit in my whatnow?

i was sick. Remember? All the spewing and such? Yes, well - once that was all concluded, i began having chest pains and wheezing. Yes, yes, the frog was a good girl and trotted her happyass to the doctor, who concluded after a chest x-ray that the frog has a hiatal hernia. Whee. Technically not a huge deal, so i'm not really freaking out about it. The only issue is the fact that it showed up on a chest x-ray, which apparently doesn't happen very often, and apparently means that it's BIG, which apparently means i'll have to have surgery. The wheezing is happening because i've aspirated stomach acid into my lungs. Yippee!

So, for the past week or two, my innards have been all kinds of messed up. i'm even having trouble eating - look in past entries if you aren't surprised by that. It took me almost an hour and a half to eat an apple this morning. It's a very odd sensation to have food sitting in front of me, and not want to eat it. Not even feel obligated to eat it.

So, there is my silver lining. Maybe after all this hernia balony is done, i'll remember this feeling and be able to push back from the table, so to speak.

i've always been the type of person to think of others before myself. As i was driving to work BEFORE the ass-crack of dawn this morning, i pondered about things that i want. Would i be able to make a list? Could i come up with things?

Here's my try. i'm going to try really hard not to censor myself.

i want:

- to pay off all my debt (which isn't really that much, but still.)
- to be thinner.
- to have people want me. *gets distracted and sings*
- to make people feel good.
- to be on my knees.
- to be hurt.
- to be marked.
- to be bruised.
- the new BDB book to come out.
- to be truly talented at something.
- to live in the woods.
- to be truly seen.
- ice cream.
- to go outside and dance naked in the rain.
- to sleep.
- to travel. Anywhere that isn't Illinois. Or Iowa. Or Wisconsin, ferpetessake.
- to have willpower when it comes to food and exercise.
- to not have to depend on drugs to function.
- to loose weight.
- to not be 267 pounds anymore.
- to be pretty.
- to be confident.
- tomorrow's doctor appointment to be nothing special.
- to have the courage, stamina, and general worthiness to make it down to 180 pounds.
- to stop beating myself up and let someone else do it. =)
- to pet my cats.
- to curl up in my bed with my stuffed frog.
- new clothes.
- a Diet Pepsi Lime.

First, i shall do a dance of joy because pixiepie reads my blog.

*DANCEOFJOY*

i'm feeling much better, thank goodness. Gained the weight back, but i'm not really sure i care. i've been watching that TV show on TLC called "I can make you thin" - and while i am of course dubious of anyone trying to make me thin through a television, i have picked up a few good tips that i've been working on.

i'm totally having random thoughts today, so step lightly.

i've been obsessing over Peter Steele from Type O Negative. Holee-keerist i want me some of that. Just thinking of him makes my uterus squee with joy.

i've been considering the idea of giving myself over to Darrin for a day...maybe the weekend. i know it sounds like a tiny step, especially for someone like me who's been "doing this" for so long, but really...it feels kind of big. i've been so self-sufficient in my submission that it's scary to turn that over to someone else. And of course, there's always the fear that it will end badly again...like it has so many times. At the same time, though...i feel differently about it. i'm still not sure, but i don't think it's fear that's holding me back.

Well, if that last post didn't garner any comments, then i am free to say anything i darn well please. Yay me!

i've been the sickest. frog. ever. First it was pneumonia, then Tuesday of last week i somehow pinched a nerve in my shoulder. THEN on Thursday...i get up, get in the shower, and promptly heave out every last ounce of everything in my gut. Let me tell you though, the shower is the place to do something like that...easy clean-up and all. This continues violently every two hours until there is absolutely nothing left, and i look like something death would turn it's nose up at.

Yay me.

Finally, today i am beginning to feel like myself again. i've lost 7 pounds - something that i am secretly pleased with and would probably go through the torment of the last few days again for.

It was strange, though...and a little disconcerting. Even when i was in the midst of the ick, i felt like i should be eating. Even when every PART OF MY BODY was expelling every last ounce of anything it could possible hold, i felt like i should be eating. It was one of the few times i've come face to face with my addiction, and it was scary. i didn't eat - mostly because i simply couldn't. But it was odd to feel such a compulsion even in the face of such...ample proof that i shouldn't be doing it.

When i felt like it was possible to eat, i've been very careful (obviously). i'm still a bit sensitive, and i was very conscious of how my stomach felt. i hope i can retain these memories of being full, because it was a very different experience than the one i normally have.

Grace and Submission

So.

i read a few blogs that deal primarly with submission, D/s, slavery, et al. There have been quite a few good topics floating around lately, and it got me to thinking. Be prepared, i'm so going to ramble.

Reading these blogs always makes me wonder who is out there reading mine. It's difficult for me to know - i rarely get comments or whatever. It sort of makes me feel both comfortable and isolated at the same time. i feel free to voice myself as i wish, but wondering what my thoughts might inspire in other people.

The biggest thing that has got me contemplating is the concept of grace within submission. i was reading one person's view on it, and it struck me that mine was completely different. i don't really view "grace" as an ability, but rather more of a state.

When i think of the word "grace", i get an image in my head that is surprisingly spiritual. i think of serenity and peace and joy, even within the struggles. So (as i'm sure you can guess), i thought more on this.

Did you know that one of the most powerfully submissive moments i ever had was in a movie theater? Oh, it was. *solemn nod* Want to take a guess at the feature show? No?

It was The DaVinci Code.

And no...not because of that.

It was the music, actually - in the last scene, where Robert runs like a mad fool all over Paris and ends up staring down into the inverted glass pyramid in front of the Louvre. The track is actually called "Chevaliers de Sangreal" should you be interested.

Oh, that music. Even as i listen to it now, it fills my soul with such power, such overwhelming...something...that i have tears in my eyes. As i sat in that theater, i stared up at the screen with what was probably the dumbest expression anyone ever wore ever. i immediately left the theater (after regaining some sort of composure) and ran to buy this glorious music.

*sighs* i wish i could explain it, but at that moment, i realized that i was feeling this utterly pure, utterly trusting faith in regards to my own submission - not in regards to anything of a religious nature. As so many in this world find peace, meaning and growth through their faith in any particular religion, i find the same things within the belief that i belong in a state of worship.

Sounds a bit...fanatical, maybe? Believe me, this was more of a shock to me than to anyone else. Never in my life have i ever been affiliated with any organized religion (despite an adolescent exploration of paganism). i was always...offended by the rules. How could someone other than me define how i would worship something? Boo-hiss.

i do consider myself to be a very spiritual person (especially after this epiphany) - and the concept of religion fascinates me to no end. i'm the girl that watches those "Science of Jesus" shows on the History and Discovery Channels with rapt interest. i'm the girl who has books and books on religious topics - and yet, i could never identify with any particular one. Am i a Christian? Nah. i'm sure Jesus was groovy and all, but i think he was just a guy. Buddhist? Hindu? Muslim? Nope, nope and nope.

So how could i have these feelings inside me? How could i be so inspired, to the point of using religious terms to help me describe these emotions?

i still don't know.

But i do know this: i am meant to be on my knees. i am meant for slavery in the same way that nuns marry themselves to their Lord. i worship Dominance, humble myself at it's feet, surrender myself to its divine will.

i used to have a very different outlook to my submission. When i would consider it, i was left with an anxious, jittery feeling - an anticipation of something. i forced some idea of it into my life, which left a string of failures trailing along behind me. It was something i had to prove, something i had to endure, some kind of...costume that i put on.

But what is this Dominance i worship? i'll try to explain, but please forgive me if i am vague.

When i close my eyes...it is a presence. In my mind, it forms a picture much like the Egyptians pictures their Goddess, Nut. She is depicted as hovering over the earth in a protective arch, her body filled with stars, her fingers and toes touching each of the cardinal points. (Click to see pictures) This is how i envision this presence - surrounding me, protecting me, watching me. The mere fact that this presence is there demands that i submit - it does not demand it from me, but i simply have no other thought in my mind. It has no face, no gender, no name. It is simply there, and i surrender. In my mind i abase myself - not with a feeling of humiliation, degredation, or because i am somehow less. i abase myself with joy, gratitude, humility, humbleness and breathless wonderment.

i imagine that it is much like a religious feeling...a feeling of knowledge of a greater power. i feel as though i have given up the shell of my submission and revealed something...that is no longer a separate entity of myself, but a fully ingrained and driving force of my very soul.

my submission now is very different than it was before. Along with no longer being a separate entity, it is also now something i do not have to force. It is always there, i can always feel it. It is no longer an action, but a state of being. It brings me joy, peace, and serenity. i can't fit it into a box anymore...now it is the box.

i believe that this is my grace in submission.

All You Need To Know About Me

Name:	Jennifer
Nickname:	Frog
Birthday:	December 22
Zodiac Sign:	Capricorn
Current location:	my chair
Eye Color:	green/grey
Hair Color and Length:	light brown / long
Height:	5.9
Shoes You Wore Today:	i didn\'t wear shoes today. But normally? Steel-toed boots. *flex*
Your Fear:	abandonment
First Thought When You Wake Up:	i love my bed
Best Physical Feature:	uh. i guess people like my butt.
Who Is Your Bestest Friend:	Darrin
When Is Your Bedtime:	Usually between 9 and 10.
Pepsi or Coke:	Diet Pepsi. With Lime.
McDonalds or Burger King:	McDonalds
Single or Group Dates:	omg, i haven\'t been on a date in forever. Single, i guess.
What Is The Last Song You Sang:	i have no idea - something on the radio, i guess.
Do You Drink:	Why, yes i do.
Ever Been Drunk:	Why, yes i have.
Do You Smoke:	When i drink.
What Color Underwear Do You Have On:	frog = underwearless
Have You Ever Been In Love:	Yes. =)
Do You Want To Get Married:	Yes. =(
Do You Like Thunderstorms:	Yes. =)
How Many CD’s Do you Own:	Not enough.
How Many DvD’s Do You Own:	Too many.
How Many Tattoo’s Do You Have:	None.
How Many Piercings Do You Have:	5
Favorites
Favorite Shoes:	i love me some flats.
Favorite Radio Station:	? i have many.
Favorite Drink:	Diet Pepsi with Lime. WITH. LIME.
Favorite Car:	The Fit is go!
Favorite Song:	Silent Lucidity
Favorite Movie:	*oy* Depends on my mood.
Favorite Color:	Green
Favorite Meal:	Depends on my mood. Usually, ice cream. Yes, i know it says meal.
In a Guy/Girl or Man/Woman I Like…
Favorite Eye Color:	i\'m safe saying blue, because they both have blue eyes. Yay for sameness!
Favorite Hair Color:	Brown. Yay for sameness!
Short Hair or Long Hair:	uh. Crap. i like hair, there. *nod*
Height:	Dammit. Guys = taller, girls = shorter
Body Type:	Normal
Tattoos:	yes. Yay for sameness!
Piercings:	yes! Yay for sameness!
Right Now
Right Now, What Is Todays Date:	*had to look* February 26
Right Now, What Time Is It:	7:54pm
Right Now, Who Are You Thinking Of:	my cat, who is doing something stupid.
Right Now, What Are You Listening To:	American Idol.
Right Now, Do You Love Some One:	Yes
Right Now, Does Someone Love You:	Gee, i hope so.
Right Now, Is It Raining:	*looks* no.
Right Now, Are You Happy:	No. i\'m sick.
Tell us YOUR answers to this survey! Click HERE!
Created by shadow_in_the_dark, taken 210 times. Created at Kwiz.biz - Kwizzes, Polls and Surveys!

i was visiting a blog of someone i regularly read, and she talked about a rather intense situation that included her being put at her Owner's feet in public.

It made me think...actually, this particular blog makes me think a lot...and i wondered at the stab of sad envy i felt when reading that. i know the envy part - obviously i want someone to want me at their feet. But the sad part? i'm not sure if that's because that's not the path my submission is taking, or...if it's because i've somehow settled out of fear of facing failure once more.

Where to begin, where to begin....

This week has been rough. Rough on a few different levels. Monday and Tuesday i was extremely stressed at work - dealing with the people, the issues that have my hands tied. Wednesday, thankfully, we got 15 inches of snow so i stayed home and hibernated. =) Yesterday was not much better - by 7:30am i'd kicked two people out of my office.

Darrin could tell that something was wrong, we talked about it on Wednesday when we were both home. i tried to explain that the only time i felt "normal" (whatever that is, right?) was when i was home - and that really it was outside sources that were stressing me out.

It was a rough situation because i haven't have an episode like this in awhile...it's disconcerting in many ways. Also...when things like this come up, the normal questions arise - is my new drug not working, etc. i will have to watch myself carefully.

There are a lot of thoughts swirling around inside...my lack of dedication to a healthier lifestyle, my submission...buuuuuut i think i want to nap. Yay.

*Taken from Taylor

1. Honestly, how many people have you kissed?
Uh. Probably somewhere between 20-40 people.

2.Honestly, what color is your underwear?
At the moment? Invisible.

3.Honestly, what's on your mind?
My cat is snoring.

4. Honestly, what are you doing right now?
Doing this and laundry. Woot.

5. Honestly, do you think you are attractive?
Sometimes.

6. Honestly, have you done something bad today?
Today? ima good girl today.

7. Honestly, do you watch Disney channel?
Not yet, but i might.

8. Honestly, are you jealous of someone right now?
Nope.

9. Honestly, what makes you happy most of the time?
Being home. Darrin. fish. my cats. my family.

10. Honestly, do you bite your nails?
Yep.

11. Honestly, do you want to see someone this very minute?
Yep.

12. Honestly, do you have a deep dark secret?
Probably?

13. Honestly, when is the last time you have been to taco bell?
A month ago, maybe?

14. Honestly, are you loyal?
To the core.

15.Honestly, are you in denial?
Yes?

16. Honestly, where would you rather be right now?
In bed.

17. Honestly, do you like someone?
i like you. =)

18. Honestly, is it going anywhere with them?
i dunno. *heh*

19.Honestly, what was the last thing someone said to you?
Darrin: *half-asleep* Yeah, i'll be up.

20. Honestly, what did you say to them?
me: Honey, you should come to bed.

21. Gone out of your way to make a new friend?
a few times.

22.Honestly, do you kiss and tell?
Yes!

.:DIFFERENT EMOTIONS SURVEY:.

*Anger Section*

23. What do you do when you're mad?
i think.

24. What's the worst thing you've done when you were mad?
Cheated on someone.

25. Ever made anyone cry when you were mad?
Probably.

26. Do you swear when you're mad?
i swear all the time - non-discrimatorially.

*Crying Section*

27. When was the last time you REALLY cried your heart out?
i can't remember.

28. Cried yourself to sleep?
......

29. Do you still cry when you get an injury?
Yes. =(

30. Do certain songs make you cry?
Yes.

31. What usually makes you cry?
Confrontation.

*Happy Section*

32. Are you normally a happy person?
i think so?

33. What can make you happy?
See #9. And don't make me repeat myself. :P

34. Does being with your friends make you happy?
Sometimes.

*Self-Esteem Section*

35. Do you believe in yourself?
Mostly?

36.When people say they think you are good looking/pretty, do you deny that you are?
i am working on simply saying "thank you" and then graciously changing the subject. =)

From Submissive Journal Prompts:

“There are no mistakes. The events we bring upon ourselves, no matter how unpleasant, are necessary in order to learn what we need to learn; whatever steps we take, they’re necessary to reach the places we’ve chosen to go.” -Richard Bach

Sometimes people ask me if i have regrets. Do i regret my insanity? Do i regret the utter loss of self? Do i regret my relationship with food? Do i regret the heart-breaking experiences within relationships?

Nope. Yeah - sometimes i yell and scream and hatehatehateHATE them. But no regrets. Regrets would leave me stagnant. i'm all about movin' on up.

And now, it's time for Birthday Resolutions:

1. i will loose and keep off at least 20 pounds. i did it last year, i can do it again. Dammit.

2. Darrin got me a nifty digital camera and printer, so i am going to take more pictures. And yes, fish - you can take more of me too.

3. While Darrin was on vacation, he one day decided that the house was TOO CLUTTERED. Rampage ensued. Now, 5 days later, we have all but one corner of the downstairs, our bedroom and half of my room done. It's nice to keep up with a clean house - to have dishes done and the dining room cleared away. So, the goal is to keep up on domesticities.

Here it is, the eve of my 30th birthday.

It seems surreal...i certainly don't feel 30, whatever 30 is supposed to feel like. i feel like i just left high school, like i'm wearing pyjamas to brunch in the dormhall and shlumping around whichever campus i attended.

Then again...

i'm married (non-legally). i'm in a steady relationship that faced the ultimate challenge last year at this time, and not only survived but got one thousand times stronger. i have a steady job that i succeed at, and i make a decently high wage.

i began a very long and very difficult journey this past year, which hasn't ended but i believe that i've got my stride going. i feel comfortable with the direction i'm going, i feel comfortable with the pace i'm going (when i'm not impatient), and i feel good about the realizations i'm making.

i didn't make my Birthday resolution of loosing 50 pounds. However, i've lost and kept off 20 pounds, and i've gained a better perspective of what works for me and where i need to go in order to get to where i want to be.

Crap. i'm growing up.

....and on Tuesday, the fog lifted.

i was surprised, actually. Like...i was asking myself "Are you sure? This is it?" Meh. Well...yay for me for surviving again.

Today was a good day. Moose and i drove 2 hours one way to eat Thanksgiving lunch with my grandma and the rest of my family, and then drove 2 hours back here to stop at Moose's mom's house to finish up the feastables. i'm telling you, my Thanksgiving is INCOMPLETE without those pickle/cream cheese/corned beef roll-up things. Pickle/cream cheese/corned beef roll-up things, i heart you.

We were both in good moods (on his part mostly because we avoided much of the loud-children-running-amok phase), the drive wasn't bad, and now we can do nothing for three days.

i'm sorry, blog. i'm not a very good friend to you, am i? i know i only come around when i need something...and if you'll just indulge me this time, i'll try to do better, okay?

That said...something is wrong with me. Something is wrong, something is off, something is notright. i've steadily been sinking under the various stresses of work, and over this past weekend i realized that i'm just not...coming up for air.

i've made an appointment with my doctor, because i have a feeling that i've plateaued on yet another medication.

It's both...scary and comforting to be here again. Comforting in an odd, dream-world like haze that surrounds everything...and scary because...well, because it's still there.

i don't like not wanting to have sex. i don't like not wanting to interact with anyone. i don't like being bothered enough by people that i have to run out of a store (which i did this weekend). i don't like wanting to cry, and i don't like the horrible, awful things i am thinking about myself. i don't like how i'm treating myself, and i don't like how i feel the need to grieve these tiny bits of me that i'm sure i can feel dying inside me.

It's sadly, frighteningly familiar.

On a completely different, "youcanonlyblameyourself" note...i was walking out of the grocery store today when i heard that incessant ringing of the Salvation Army Bucketeers. After getting over my shock of hearing them BEFORE THANKSGIVING, i noticed that the lady in question was singing, and so i thought...Well, isn't that cheery...until i walked past her and realized what she was singing...

"...and i'm gonna ring this bell...every single damn day....six days a week...."

Yeah.

Today was better...i went to work, and was incredibly busy which is probably what saved me.

Sometimes...when i get to this point of utter retreat, it feels like...almost like i am shocking people. Seems a bit arrogant, yes? But sometimes...it's like...i feel people just standing there, staring at me kind of dumbfounded, and asking.."but...who's going to take care of me now? Who's going to hold me up now?"

It's probably just being in this place that makes me feel that more than what is really there...but right here, right now...i want people to be able to see past their own needs and realize that sometimes, i need taking care of too. You can't just...ask if i'm alright just to reassure yourself that i'm still taking care of you. You can't ask if i'm alright just be sure that you'll still be getting the same thing out of me.

i still have days where i simply cannot face the world. i've not set foot outside of my house since 1:00pm yesterday. i feel like i can't bear it. Logically, i know i could...but i'm just so tired of it all.

i say still, because i really used to be so much worse. i used to handle it so much worse. Now...i can have these days and be okay with them, because i know they will go away, and because i know that if i don't let them happen, i'll only get worse.

So...today is that day. Today is the day where i hide from the world to keep from bundling even more of other people's problems onto my shoulders. Today is the day i shake it off, so that i can be okay tomorrow.

i hide because everything seems so selfish. i don't want to hear about anyone's crappy day, i don't want to hear excuses as to why someone forgot their timecard, i don't want to listen to stories of how they need their check early to pay for food when everyone knows it's basically getting traded in for beer, i don't want to hear about how painful someone else's life is, i don't want to hear about how sad someone is or how much they think the world is out to get them or how wronged they've been.

i need to focus on mine for a minute.

i left work at noon today - both for my mental health and for the safety of others. i don't really know what happened...i just know that suddenly, someone was bitching at me about suing the company for mental strain if their direct deposit hadn't been cancelled...at 6:30 in the morning.

Man, fuck you guys. Fuck you and the bitchy horse you rode in on, cause DAMN. i lost it. i mean...WTF am i supposed to say to that?!

"Uh...good luck with that..."

i get so fucking TIRED and disappointed in these people who are supposed to be grown-ups - most of them old enough to be my freakin PARENTS - but are mentally no older than a crabby 2-year-old. i am TIRED of getting attitude just because they "need someone to vent to." i am TIRED of having these dillholes lie to my face, just because they think i'm too dumb to notice. i am TIRED of having to repeat the rules EVERY. SINGLE. DAY because they keep looking for a way to get around the rules to suit their needs.

And you know what? i'm tired of being disappointed. i'm tired of putting such high expectations on people, because by now, i should know that i'm just going to see them dragged through the mud.

i know i'm doing this to myself...especially the expectations i put on people i thought were my friends.

i think...the entire world just got too damn selfish for me today...and i had to go find me again.

i opened up a new post, but everything i think of to say sounds either redundant or incredibly snarky, so...

i guess i'll just say ditto. Disappointment is keeping me from saying anything else.

i've been hovering at 265 - not gaining, not loosing.

i read today that most people don't know what hunger feels like. That struck me, and as i thought about it, i realized that i was afraid of hunger. When i feel hungry (especially in the morning at work - i get to work at 5:45am, and don't usually eat anything until 8 or so), i can feel the symptoms of panic...and i think that maybe, my binging is a...coping mechanism for dealing with the fear of hunger. Afraid of being hungry? Eat!

So, today, i tried to be very conscious of my "full-factor." i also found myself talking to myself (myself, myself), assuring myself that i wasn't going to die.

Yeah. Re-read that, because i totally had to sit with a dumb expression for about 5 minutes when i listened to what i was saying.

my subconscious mind thought i was going to DIE because i was hungry.

Okay, so. A part of me feels really triumphant for coming to this epiphany, and the other part of me feels so completely pathetic and stupid that i can barely stand it.

Ever watch the movie "French Kiss?" When Meg Ryan's character first goes to Paris and looses everything and is calling home on the payphone outside of L'Arc Triumphe? And she's all bawling and holding up her fist in a weak, half-assed gesture and saying in a weepy voice barely discernable through the tears "I will triumph...."

Hi. i will triumph.

*sniff*

It's been awhile, i know. *hangs head*

i am driving EVER-Y-WHERE. i love my car.

i've been spending a lot more time with Darrin, which feels really good. Last night, he mentioned how different everything felt now compared to a year ago. Ugh, i winced at that one. A year ago i was caught up in something that proved to be so not good for me...but it feels good to have made so much progress, and also to be in a place where i love and appreciate what Darrin is and does for me.

In our talking last night, i mentioned a recent frustration to Darrin. Normally, i am quite the "shit or get off the pot" type of person. For instance...i could never understand why someone would stay in an abusive relationship. i simply cannot wrap my head around it, it makes no sense to me. i realized that that was one of the reasons why my depression was (is) so traumatizing to me - i KNEW i was feeling bad, i KNEW i was unhappy, i WANTED to change that, but i couldn't (at that time). i feel the same way about my weight issue. i feel like i try, but i can't quite gain my footing to make it up the other side of the hill. Or...to tie it back to the analogy....i'm constipated.