Wow.

So....what a week. I think that officially my brain has permanently decayed to a state of goo. New payroll systems, conference calls, limited time, uncertainty about the state of affairs at work and general OMGWTF-ness has left me a blabbering fool.

I've been doing alright with my goals...I did get up early two days to bike, and that's more than what I did last week, so I'm trying to remember that. If I think about how I ONLY got up two days to bike, then I get in spiral-fail-mode...so...

Yay me!! Yay me for getting up two days!!

My best friend gave me the best advice
He said each days a gift and not a given right
Leave no stone unturned
Leave your fears behind
And try to take the path less traveled by
That first step you take is the longest stride

If today was your last day
If tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have
If today was your last day

Going against the grain should be a way of life
What's worth the price is always worth the fight
Every second counts cause there's no second try
So live it like you're never living twice
Don't take the free ride in your whole life

If today was your last day
If tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have
And would you call old friends you never see
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies
And would you find that one your dreaming of
Swear up and down to god above
That you'll finally fall in love
If today was your last day

If today was your last day
Would you make your mark
On ending a broken heart
You know it's never too late
To shoot for the stars
Regardless of who you are
So do whatever it takes
Cause you can't rewind
A moment in this life
Let nothing stand in your way
Cause the hands of time
Are never on your side

If today was your last day
If tomorrow was too late
Could you say goodbye to yesterday
Would you live each moment like your last
Leave old pictures in the past
Donate every dime you have
And would you call old friends you never see
Reminisce old memories
Would you forgive your enemies
And would you find that one your dreaming of
Swear up and down to god above
That you'll finally fall in love
If today was your last day

-If Today Was Your Last Day, Nickelback

Everytime that fog lifts, I am grateful. I remember when I never thought I would see it go away, when I thought that it would forever be a part of me...so when it does recede, I am that much more happy.

Do I have a lot of work to do? Oh yes. Am I ready for it? I'm not sure. But, I'm not overwhelmed by it at the moment...so I'm happy with that fact alone.

Someone gave me a compliment the other day...one I've never considered for myself. They said: "...ready to be in the world as someone not looking for anything, but happy in yourself that you dont -need- someone else. I think its the biggest triumph youve ever made. or any woman has ever made that Ive had the privelidge of watching."

We were talking about how my slavery has changed from an external process into an internal one, and how I no longer feel like someone else...has to bring my slavery out. It simply is there, inside me, all the time, and while others can influence how much shows...they cannot influence the fact that it exists.

I wish that I could project that contentment into other areas of myself.

274.

I found myself torn between two states of mind today. The first was familiar - I wanted to figure out just how I had let myself get back up to 274. I wanted to linger and marinate in the past, going over every minute detail and punishing myself for every bad decision, every morsel of food that I didn't need. The second was newer to me, and I'm sort of eyeballing it with a wary caution. I felt ready to move on - to take that factual information of 274 and implement it into a new direction.

Weird. But hey...I've got nothing to loose in trying a new direction. Except about 100 pounds.

So on the way to work today, I started thinking about things I wanted to start doing. I want to start writing in my blog more. I want to start exercising more. Okay, check. What about things I'm doing now that I want to continue doing? I want to continue taking care of the house like we have in the past couple of weeks. I want to keep making dinner at night and eating at the table, instead of in the living room. I want to keep being mindful of the food I am eating, and I want to keep trying to eat more vegetables. I want to continue bringing healthy (interesting that I originally typed in "good" and then backspaced...) food into work with me. Alright - I'm already doing these things, so I should be able to keep them up.

When I got up this morning, I set my alarm so that I could wake up in time to get on the bike for 30 minutes in the morning. I can watch the news while I do it so that it goes by faster, and plan out what I want to wear that day, too. I'm really trying to not jinx myself by thinking that it'll be too hard, or that I won't do it. If I can, then I will have my 30 minutes of exercise in each day before I get home from work, and if I feel I have enough energy to do more, I can before or after dinner. Plus, I remember that when I was exercising in the morning before, I was feeling more energized in the morning - which can't hurt.

I just looked on WedMD, and their BMI Calculator doohickey says that I should be weighing somewhere between 125 and 169 to be healthy. Hrm. I actually think that's a little low for me...I still would like to hit somewhere between 190 and 200 and see where that leaves me. It also says that my caloric intake for each day should be around 1900. I know I can do it...hell, I was restricting myself to 500 calories a day at one point. I know that I usually eat around 700 calories during the day at work, so that leaves plenty for a good dinner. I don't really think I need to concentrate much on my eating habits - I think I've done enough work on that over this past year that I feel comfortable where I am right now, I might just need to watch myself more at dinner time.

Right now though...I can feel the creeping darkness start in around the edges of my vision. Nice image, eh? That's what it feels like...like my peripheral vision is clouded, and it's steadily affecting how I see things. I feel ugly, and upset, and a whole bunch of other undesirable u-words. It's probably just due to getting my period soon, but in the moment...sometimes it still feels like it can stay forever. I need to stay busy, at least until I get home.