This week has been quite the eye-opener for me.

For a long time, i felt like a big hypocrite. i said i was submissive, but i wasn't really...anyway, i don't want to dwell on that. i've done quite enough of that.

So, anyway. A few weeks ago, Darrin and i had a big discussion about the state of our D/s lives. i had been feeling more and more submissive towards him - not actively, but more like i was finally relaxing into my natural state. Which is weird after 6 years, right? Whatever. While we were having said big talk, he finally told me some things about how he'd felt over the years and it totally made sense to me.

Basically, i was an ass.

Moving on.

Near the end of the talk, i told Darrin that i felt like i was ready to take that step again, to be more actively submissive. He hesitated. He said that because of everything that had happened, he was a little leery of just stepping forward. i completely agreed, and felt entirely comfortable both deciding and telling him that it was completely up to him.

You see...my whole problem in the past was that...well, was because i was thinking like a submissive. i was doing things like...well, for instance, one time he gave me orders for things to do after work, and i didn't understand them. Because i didn't understand them, i didn't do them, and it led to a fight. You see? Our D/s life was all about me...and that's changed.

i know, i know. i can sit here all damn day and say that it's changed - but does anyone believe me? Hell, i don't care. i believe me. i feel different. This past week, he gave me pretty much the same orders for things to do after work...and this time, i did them without question. i understand better about the reasons why he wanted these things, so that definitely helps. Fish asked me what i got as a reward if i did these things all week....and i was seriously at a loss for words. i never even thought about a reward...it was just, he said - i did. And i was HAPPY doing it. i still don't feel like i need a reward...i even called him today to ask for permission to change things around a bit. i think that i could hear a smile in his voice when i asked...i hope so anyway.

From Submissive Journal Prompts:

“Our lives improve only when we take chances - and the first and most difficult risk we can take is to be honest with ourselves.” -Walter Anderson

*stare*

i'm trying to write more, so i figured journal prompts are a good way to go.

Fat chance, fatso.

So...i agree with the quote above. Lives improve only when chances are taken, no matter what form those chances are. There is another quote that i like that says something about how in order for things to move forward, something must die. It sounds harsh, but really...it's true. Moving forward in life means taking chances.

As far as being honest with oneself...

Ugh. It IS hard. And it IS difficult. And it mainly just blows...but it's got to happen. i mean...there have been quite a few times where i've had to take a good long look in my proverbial mirror and i hated what i saw. i winced, but i had to keep looking because otherwise i couldn't change what i hated about myself. i had to accept those ugly things about myself in order to deal with them, and move forward.

Gah. Move forward, move forward. i sound like a broken record.

I am unwritten
can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
the pen's in my hand
ending unplanned

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find

Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten

I break tradition
sometimes my tries
are outside the lines
We've been conditioned
to not make mistakes
but I can't live that way

Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
-Excerpt from "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield

Now that the obligatory lyrics have been shared....

i was listening to this song today on the way to work. i tend to have a lot of profound thoughts on my way to work - might it be because it before 5am? Probably, cause otherwise i'm just not that cool.

Anyway.

i was listening to this song and trying to work my head around my current problem - my self-image. Or...lack of positive self-image. Weight loss, exercise, motivation...all that crap that i have been struggling with for-ev-ER.

i think i'm afraid of loosing weight. i cannot for the LIFE OF ME think of any other reason that i CANNOT seem to do the things i need to do: for instance, i absolutely, positively WILL NOT DIE if i don't eat that damn donut. i absolutely, positively WILL NOT DIE if i go workout for 30 minutes like i'm paying to do. i absolutely, positively WILL NOT DIE if i don't binge. So why do i have such troubles with these things?

So...i played the Why Game. Now, the Why Game is not a fun, silly party-game. Oftentimes, the Why Game makes the frog cry. But, it's been useful to me - when i've been open and accepting of the answers. Here's how to play.

Start with a question of something that on your mind: for instance, my game started with "Why do i want to loose weight?" The first answer to pop in your head, no matter how inane it sounds, is used. Then...ask yourself Why. See my mental conversation below.

Why do i want to loose weight? To wear pretty clothes
Why? Because i'm tired of wearing ugly clothes
Why? Because i can't fit into any pretty clothes
Why? Because i won't eat right or exercise like i should.
Why? Because i don't want to.
Why? Because i am afraid.
Why? Because i think that people still won't like me even if i'm pretty.
Why? Because i'm ugly everywhere.

You see? Mucho emo.

However...through playing that game, i did realize that i am indeed afraid of loosing weight. i want to be attractive, i want to turn heads and have people flirt with me. But i'm so afraid of it at the same time...i haven't quite wrapped my head around that why yet, but i'm getting there.

So maybe my motivational problems have more to do with fear than i originally intended. Either way, i need to somehow re-focus that fear into positive, healthy results for me.

The whole...weight issue terrifies me. Just last Sunday, i was flipping through the TV and saw a show on TLC about a man that weighed over 1,000 pounds. They showed the rescue workers actually cutting out a wall of this man's house, of this special gurney that had to be used, of the 50 ker-billion people that had to help move this massive human being. They described his condition, saying that his flesh was stretched so tight that all the water was leaking from his skin cells and soaking the bed, that there was blood and fecal matter under his nails....

...and the frog flipped right the fuck out. Oh, holy shit. Fecal matter?!? Soaked bed?! OMG. i had what was quite possibly my first panic attack in 3 years. i literally panicked at the thought of letting myself get to that state.

But it's like...i never DO anything about that fear of getting so inhumanly obese. i know that i'm no where near that point right now - but still, in those moments, it seems like such a near possibility. But i do nothing!

*sighs*

Gotta fight harder.