I am unwritten
can't read my mind
I'm undefined
I'm just beginning
the pen's in my hand
ending unplanned
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
Reaching for something in the distance
So close you can almost taste it
Release your inhibitions
Feel the rain on your skin
No one else can feel it for you
Only you can let it in
No one else, no one else
Can speak the words on your lips
Drench yourself in words unspoken
Live your life with arms wide open
Today is where your book begins
The rest is still unwritten
I break tradition
sometimes my tries
are outside the lines
We've been conditioned
to not make mistakes
but I can't live that way
Staring at the blank page before you
Open up the dirty window
Let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find
-Excerpt from "Unwritten" by Natasha Bedingfield
Now that the obligatory lyrics have been shared....
i was listening to this song today on the way to work. i tend to have a lot of profound thoughts on my way to work - might it be because it before 5am? Probably, cause otherwise i'm just not that cool.
Anyway.
i was listening to this song and trying to work my head around my current problem - my self-image. Or...lack of positive self-image. Weight loss, exercise, motivation...all that crap that i have been struggling with for-ev-ER.
i think i'm afraid of loosing weight. i cannot for the LIFE OF ME think of any other reason that i CANNOT seem to do the things i need to do: for instance, i absolutely, positively WILL NOT DIE if i don't eat that damn donut. i absolutely, positively WILL NOT DIE if i go workout for 30 minutes like i'm paying to do. i absolutely, positively WILL NOT DIE if i don't binge. So why do i have such troubles with these things?
So...i played the Why Game. Now, the Why Game is not a fun, silly party-game. Oftentimes, the Why Game makes the frog cry. But, it's been useful to me - when i've been open and accepting of the answers. Here's how to play.
Start with a question of something that on your mind: for instance, my game started with "Why do i want to loose weight?" The first answer to pop in your head, no matter how inane it sounds, is used. Then...ask yourself Why. See my mental conversation below.
Why do i want to loose weight? To wear pretty clothes
Why? Because i'm tired of wearing ugly clothes
Why? Because i can't fit into any pretty clothes
Why? Because i won't eat right or exercise like i should.
Why? Because i don't want to.
Why? Because i am afraid.
Why? Because i think that people still won't like me even if i'm pretty.
Why? Because i'm ugly everywhere.
You see? Mucho emo.
However...through playing that game, i did realize that i am indeed afraid of loosing weight. i want to be attractive, i want to turn heads and have people flirt with me. But i'm so afraid of it at the same time...i haven't quite wrapped my head around that why yet, but i'm getting there.
So maybe my motivational problems have more to do with fear than i originally intended. Either way, i need to somehow re-focus that fear into positive, healthy results for me.
The whole...weight issue terrifies me. Just last Sunday, i was flipping through the TV and saw a show on TLC about a man that weighed over 1,000 pounds. They showed the rescue workers actually cutting out a wall of this man's house, of this special gurney that had to be used, of the 50 ker-billion people that had to help move this massive human being. They described his condition, saying that his flesh was stretched so tight that all the water was leaking from his skin cells and soaking the bed, that there was blood and fecal matter under his nails....
...and the frog flipped right the fuck out. Oh, holy shit. Fecal matter?!? Soaked bed?! OMG. i had what was quite possibly my first panic attack in 3 years. i literally panicked at the thought of letting myself get to that state.
But it's like...i never DO anything about that fear of getting so inhumanly obese. i know that i'm no where near that point right now - but still, in those moments, it seems like such a near possibility. But i do nothing!
*sighs*
Gotta fight harder.
Little Big Update
6 years ago
1 comment:
Some advice, from someone fighting the same battles for 15 years, but finally getting to the point that I have some sense of control and confidence in the last few years:
Love yourself. Fat, skinny, love yourself, celebrate what's good about you, be kind to yourself and treat yourself gently.
It's easy to get harsh, to get frustrated when you don't follow through with what you plan, with what you want, and it's all to easy to beat yourself up for letting yourself down. But that's a downward spiral. I've been there, I've seen you there, hon.
And the way out is to stop the negative tape playing in your head, stop being critical of yourself, stop being cruel to yourself, and love yourself instead. Treat yourself as you would someone you love. Take care of yourself as you would someone you love. It's so easy for us to focus on someone else, to take care of someone else, but not so much ourselves.
After you get a handle on that, and find that place in your head where you are not your own worst enemy but instead someone who is ready to do what you need to do to take care of yourself- break down the mountains you've built up into mole hills. Simplify what you've overcomplicated. You know what you need to do to take care of yourself but you've built it up into something monsterous, something overwhelming, something complex and scary- and the truth is it couldn't be simpler: eat healthier and exercise.
Baby steps, hon. Baby steps. Walk for 10 minutes a day, 3 days a week. Plan healthy meals for a week and try to follow through at least 3 of the 7 days. You'll backslide, you won't be perfect, but celebrate each accomplishment, each step forward, and let the negative go. When you fall, pick yourself up gently, brush yourself off and give yourself a hug and some words of encouragement, and try again, and keep trying.
It's not easy, god don't I know that. But it's possible, hon. Baby steps. Do what you can, when you can, and be kind to yourself. And beep me if you ever need support, luv. *smiles and hugs you* I've been there, right where you are, and I'm finding my way out as well. I think it starts with being kind to yourself, loving yourself, and being confident, even if you have to fake it at first. It will come in time. I am pulling for you.
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