Here it is, the eve of my 30th birthday.

It seems surreal...i certainly don't feel 30, whatever 30 is supposed to feel like. i feel like i just left high school, like i'm wearing pyjamas to brunch in the dormhall and shlumping around whichever campus i attended.

Then again...

i'm married (non-legally). i'm in a steady relationship that faced the ultimate challenge last year at this time, and not only survived but got one thousand times stronger. i have a steady job that i succeed at, and i make a decently high wage.

i began a very long and very difficult journey this past year, which hasn't ended but i believe that i've got my stride going. i feel comfortable with the direction i'm going, i feel comfortable with the pace i'm going (when i'm not impatient), and i feel good about the realizations i'm making.

i didn't make my Birthday resolution of loosing 50 pounds. However, i've lost and kept off 20 pounds, and i've gained a better perspective of what works for me and where i need to go in order to get to where i want to be.

Crap. i'm growing up.

....and on Tuesday, the fog lifted.

i was surprised, actually. Like...i was asking myself "Are you sure? This is it?" Meh. Well...yay for me for surviving again.

Today was a good day. Moose and i drove 2 hours one way to eat Thanksgiving lunch with my grandma and the rest of my family, and then drove 2 hours back here to stop at Moose's mom's house to finish up the feastables. i'm telling you, my Thanksgiving is INCOMPLETE without those pickle/cream cheese/corned beef roll-up things. Pickle/cream cheese/corned beef roll-up things, i heart you.

We were both in good moods (on his part mostly because we avoided much of the loud-children-running-amok phase), the drive wasn't bad, and now we can do nothing for three days.

i'm sorry, blog. i'm not a very good friend to you, am i? i know i only come around when i need something...and if you'll just indulge me this time, i'll try to do better, okay?

That said...something is wrong with me. Something is wrong, something is off, something is notright. i've steadily been sinking under the various stresses of work, and over this past weekend i realized that i'm just not...coming up for air.

i've made an appointment with my doctor, because i have a feeling that i've plateaued on yet another medication.

It's both...scary and comforting to be here again. Comforting in an odd, dream-world like haze that surrounds everything...and scary because...well, because it's still there.

i don't like not wanting to have sex. i don't like not wanting to interact with anyone. i don't like being bothered enough by people that i have to run out of a store (which i did this weekend). i don't like wanting to cry, and i don't like the horrible, awful things i am thinking about myself. i don't like how i'm treating myself, and i don't like how i feel the need to grieve these tiny bits of me that i'm sure i can feel dying inside me.

It's sadly, frighteningly familiar.

On a completely different, "youcanonlyblameyourself" note...i was walking out of the grocery store today when i heard that incessant ringing of the Salvation Army Bucketeers. After getting over my shock of hearing them BEFORE THANKSGIVING, i noticed that the lady in question was singing, and so i thought...Well, isn't that cheery...until i walked past her and realized what she was singing...

"...and i'm gonna ring this bell...every single damn day....six days a week...."

Yeah.

Today was better...i went to work, and was incredibly busy which is probably what saved me.

Sometimes...when i get to this point of utter retreat, it feels like...almost like i am shocking people. Seems a bit arrogant, yes? But sometimes...it's like...i feel people just standing there, staring at me kind of dumbfounded, and asking.."but...who's going to take care of me now? Who's going to hold me up now?"

It's probably just being in this place that makes me feel that more than what is really there...but right here, right now...i want people to be able to see past their own needs and realize that sometimes, i need taking care of too. You can't just...ask if i'm alright just to reassure yourself that i'm still taking care of you. You can't ask if i'm alright just be sure that you'll still be getting the same thing out of me.

i still have days where i simply cannot face the world. i've not set foot outside of my house since 1:00pm yesterday. i feel like i can't bear it. Logically, i know i could...but i'm just so tired of it all.

i say still, because i really used to be so much worse. i used to handle it so much worse. Now...i can have these days and be okay with them, because i know they will go away, and because i know that if i don't let them happen, i'll only get worse.

So...today is that day. Today is the day where i hide from the world to keep from bundling even more of other people's problems onto my shoulders. Today is the day i shake it off, so that i can be okay tomorrow.

i hide because everything seems so selfish. i don't want to hear about anyone's crappy day, i don't want to hear excuses as to why someone forgot their timecard, i don't want to listen to stories of how they need their check early to pay for food when everyone knows it's basically getting traded in for beer, i don't want to hear about how painful someone else's life is, i don't want to hear about how sad someone is or how much they think the world is out to get them or how wronged they've been.

i need to focus on mine for a minute.

i left work at noon today - both for my mental health and for the safety of others. i don't really know what happened...i just know that suddenly, someone was bitching at me about suing the company for mental strain if their direct deposit hadn't been cancelled...at 6:30 in the morning.

Man, fuck you guys. Fuck you and the bitchy horse you rode in on, cause DAMN. i lost it. i mean...WTF am i supposed to say to that?!

"Uh...good luck with that..."

i get so fucking TIRED and disappointed in these people who are supposed to be grown-ups - most of them old enough to be my freakin PARENTS - but are mentally no older than a crabby 2-year-old. i am TIRED of getting attitude just because they "need someone to vent to." i am TIRED of having these dillholes lie to my face, just because they think i'm too dumb to notice. i am TIRED of having to repeat the rules EVERY. SINGLE. DAY because they keep looking for a way to get around the rules to suit their needs.

And you know what? i'm tired of being disappointed. i'm tired of putting such high expectations on people, because by now, i should know that i'm just going to see them dragged through the mud.

i know i'm doing this to myself...especially the expectations i put on people i thought were my friends.

i think...the entire world just got too damn selfish for me today...and i had to go find me again.

i opened up a new post, but everything i think of to say sounds either redundant or incredibly snarky, so...

i guess i'll just say ditto. Disappointment is keeping me from saying anything else.

i've been hovering at 265 - not gaining, not loosing.

i read today that most people don't know what hunger feels like. That struck me, and as i thought about it, i realized that i was afraid of hunger. When i feel hungry (especially in the morning at work - i get to work at 5:45am, and don't usually eat anything until 8 or so), i can feel the symptoms of panic...and i think that maybe, my binging is a...coping mechanism for dealing with the fear of hunger. Afraid of being hungry? Eat!

So, today, i tried to be very conscious of my "full-factor." i also found myself talking to myself (myself, myself), assuring myself that i wasn't going to die.

Yeah. Re-read that, because i totally had to sit with a dumb expression for about 5 minutes when i listened to what i was saying.

my subconscious mind thought i was going to DIE because i was hungry.

Okay, so. A part of me feels really triumphant for coming to this epiphany, and the other part of me feels so completely pathetic and stupid that i can barely stand it.

Ever watch the movie "French Kiss?" When Meg Ryan's character first goes to Paris and looses everything and is calling home on the payphone outside of L'Arc Triumphe? And she's all bawling and holding up her fist in a weak, half-assed gesture and saying in a weepy voice barely discernable through the tears "I will triumph...."

Hi. i will triumph.

*sniff*

It's been awhile, i know. *hangs head*

i am driving EVER-Y-WHERE. i love my car.

i've been spending a lot more time with Darrin, which feels really good. Last night, he mentioned how different everything felt now compared to a year ago. Ugh, i winced at that one. A year ago i was caught up in something that proved to be so not good for me...but it feels good to have made so much progress, and also to be in a place where i love and appreciate what Darrin is and does for me.

In our talking last night, i mentioned a recent frustration to Darrin. Normally, i am quite the "shit or get off the pot" type of person. For instance...i could never understand why someone would stay in an abusive relationship. i simply cannot wrap my head around it, it makes no sense to me. i realized that that was one of the reasons why my depression was (is) so traumatizing to me - i KNEW i was feeling bad, i KNEW i was unhappy, i WANTED to change that, but i couldn't (at that time). i feel the same way about my weight issue. i feel like i try, but i can't quite gain my footing to make it up the other side of the hill. Or...to tie it back to the analogy....i'm constipated.

i bought a new car!!!

All by myself, no co-signer, i bought a brand-spankin-new car. A 2007 Honda Fit.

The Fit is go!

i love it. i love it, i love it, i love it.

It's times like this that i truly feel my addiction.

i want to eat. i want crackers and ice cream, in no particular order. More specifically, i want Wheat Thins and Ben & Jerry's Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream. i have an ache in me that i can't decipher. Is it hunger? Is it all in my head?

Y'know...i've been going to a lot of websites...and i'm so tired of reading about people who are already healthy complaining about 5 pounds. It's not that i think i'm so much worse off...i just don't think people like that can understand what i'm going through.

Have lost 6 pounds this week. See that? That's my oh-so-white-girl, in-yo-face dance. Heh.

i started tracking my calories again on a site called sparkpeople.com - really a great site (and free! frugal frog says fuck yeah!) because it allows you to track what you want. For instance, i'm tracking my calories (and along with that, my fat, protein, and carbohydrate levels) by entering in what food i eat, i'm tracking how much water i drink each day, and i'm tracking the amount of exercise and calories burned each day.

Kind of had an emotional day today, but i'm feeling pretty good - i stopped at the track outside of town and walked twice around it before coming home. It was a beautiful day - windy and cool and sunny.

Fair warning: This post will be completely selfish and whiny, and probably way too emo for a 29-year-old.

*sigh* (ack! See?!)

i got really upset last night when i went to bed. i'd been quiet all day, and when i laid down, i just got overwhelmed. i know why, and i'm dumb. i was supposed to fill my prescription for my happypills on Friday, but the doctor's office was closed, sooo...no happypills for frog.

i started thinking about turning 30 soon...which lead me to wonder if i'm doing the right things with my life...which in turn lead me to complete and utter rage at myself for letting me slide back up to 270...which made me feel absolutely fugly and unlovable...which made me wonder if that's the reason Darrin doesn't feel the need for a committment...

You get the idea. i am an Olympic gold winner of cyclonic thinking.

i decided that i'm going to try (again) to limit my calories per day to 1500, and to do 30 minutes of exercise a day. i need to pick up the smaller habits again, too, like not eating after 7:30 at night. The problem is that during the week, my day is pretty full: i'm up by 4:15 in the morning, out the door between 4:45 and 5:00, and i get home usually between 6:00 and 6:30 and night. It's very difficult to want to do ANYTHING when i get home from work, but i have to change that. Maybe i should try getting up at 3:45. *just cries*

i came home tonight and crawled into bed with Darrin and just bawled. He did say that he was very glad that i came to him and told him what was going on - i know he was worried about me because i couldn't talk much at work.

i won't deny that i've had a big backslide on my whole "creating a better frog" thing. i've gained about 10 pounds back, and i'm really feeling it. i feel like i'm trying so hard, but at the same time...it's obviously not enough, and i wonder if i'm just telling myself that i'm trying so hard, and really not trying at all.

i decided that i really need to find someone (or group of someones) to hold me accountable. i need people who don't know me, have unbiased opinions and don't care if i have a headache or my feet hurt or whateverelsepoorfrogexcuseicomeupwith. Someone who expects...well...obedience, i guess, though i hate to relate this to D/s.

So.

Because of events that transpired today, i am officially actively looking for a new job. The situation is not critical enough that i need to LEAVERIGHTNOW, but i want to see what is available.

Problem is, not much IS available in this area in my field that makes as much as i do. i do a lot - accounts receivable, accounts payable, payroll, HR, Benefits administration - but don't have enough years of experience (almost 2 and a half) to make up for no degree. Plus, to find a job like this that makes what i do an hour? Near to impossible.

Anyone have need of a general office-bitch type person?

From Submissive Journal Prompts:

"Come up with as many words as you can to complete this phrase: I am a ______ slut."

Well, now...how can i resist this?

I am a dirty slut.
I am a nasty slut.
I am a delicious slut.
I am a salacious slut.
I am a stealthy slut.
I am a good slut.
I am a great slut!
I am a(n) absolute slut.
I am a sneaky slut.
I am a needy slut.
I am a fucking slut.
I am a luscious slut.
I am a freaky slut.
I am a lonely slut. =(
I am a(n) invisible slut.
I am a hungry slut.

Slut really is so limiting, though...all of those could be replaced with whore, fuck-meat, possession, fucktoy, cumslut, etc...

Though, i'm fairly certain that if someone just came up to me and called me those names, i'd burst into extremely inappropriate laughter. Unless it was someone who was so dominant that my knees would wobble without a single word. =/ In that case, i would fall over and twitch in puddle of my own cum.

*sigh*

i've been doing alright lately...pretty good, actually. After my last freakout, i've settled down a bit. i'm eating decently, and recently i've even noticed that i'm not eating when i "think" i should, but more when i'm actually hungry - and more importantly, i've been craving healthier foods, like melon and Wheat Thins. *eye roll* Oy, don't even get me started on these kicks i get on - i've decided that i totally overdosed on cashews and cannot even look at one now. i give myself treats, but i still look at labels and pay attention to serving sizes. i've found some good ice cream that is fat-free and only has 90 calories a serving (i think it's Blue Bunny? hell if i know.)

my struggle now is exercise. Bleh, i hate even typing the word. Fuck you, exercise. i've been trying to get on my bike, and i think now that the weather is cooling down some, i'd like to try walking after work.

i've been having some pretty dark urges lately...not really explicit fantasies, really, more like...images, feelings. frog is wanting to be hurt, used, welted, bled, bruised, broken...

You get the idea.

There have been no clandestine ice cream sandwiches.

Beginning on Monday, i started back on the bike. i did 20 minutes Monday and Tuesday, and today i did 25...which made me feel good. i've been doing good at work, and not bad at home. i still feel cravings, but i'm being very, very careful at evaluating my "wants" vs. my "needs". Do i -really- need that...or am i just feeling old habits?

i'm trying to slim down a little for my business trip in two weeks - my first ever. i bought really nice, professional outfits to wear, and i just want to make a good impression. i know i shouldn't, but i'll feel more comfortable if i'm comfortable in my own skin.

How sad that i'm not. How more sad that i'm STILL not.

Where are those damn bootstraps........?

You know how you watch these shows on tv...i call them "fat nights on TLC" because they always seem to come one right after another...and although it might scare you (which it does, to the point that i'm not allowed to watch them anymore, period), it still seems like something so extreme, so not-you that a part of you is almost comforted by how different you are from those people?

i realized tonight that i'm no longer different from those people.

i could have my own fat show.

i realized it because...because i went into my local Walgreens to pick up my happy pills, and came out with a bag of Twizzler's Bits and an ice cream sandwich along with those happy pills. i told myself AS I WAS WALKING IN THE DOOR that i wasn't going to get anything else, though i was going to browse through the makeup to see if there were any goodies. i specifically mentioned to myself that i was NOT going to get an ice cream sandwich (which truly are the bane of my existance).

my feet took me there anyway. my hands grabbed at the display of bags of Twizzlers on sale, and snatched at the ice cream. i did it. i did it, i did it, i did it. And i wasn't even hungry!

i really didn't think about it until i was driving home, eating the ice cream sandwich...and i realized that i was hiding it from OTHER DRIVERS. i was dropping it into my lap at stop lights, or when other cars passed me.

i was so ashamed that i was hiding my food. Unconsciously.

i really don't know what to do now. i know that there are other habits i have that are like this and more, and i feel like...well, like someone with anorexia that hides food and pushes it around on their plate to make it look like they've eaten. i feel like someone with buliema that turns the water faucet on while they hurl. i feel like...a fat person that hides their binging.

i've read all these books that talk about ways to not do this...how to think about other things, or how to choose better "binge foods" (like carrots *WTF?!*)...and logically, i get it. i'm on board, i'm on that train, giddy-up. i buy things at the grocery store that hopefully will help me accomplish this, but things like today still happen.

i feel like i have to keep trying...but i don't even know what the next step is. i've been getting on my stationary bike, and i only do about 10-15 minutes before i stop. i was doing 30! At 4 o'clock in the morning!

i don't know how to stop.

Before you ask....yes, i'm eating.

No, i don't like it.

i opened up a new post, and now...i don't know what to say.

i feel like i need to punish myself. And it makes me sad...sad because i shouldn't punish myself...and sad because i'm the only one that can.

i feel like...god, this will open a can of worms, but hey, if you can't expose yourself on a blog, where can you?...i feel like i need to starve myself. i feel a great, gaping hole inside me, and i feel like every part of me should feel the same. Funny...you'd think that i would feel like eating everything in sight to try to fill that hole.

Okay...so, yeah. i fucking hate food. i hate paying attention to nutritional values, i hate adding up calories and fat grams in my head, i hate being so stupid with food that i have to be so AWARE of it, ALL THE GODDAMN TIME, and i hate that that new drug Alli comes with a warning to bring a change of pants because you might shit yourself.

Man....fuck you, food. Fuck you and the fucking horse you rode in on.

i keep asking myself why. WHY, frog, WHY are you so messed up with food? Why can't you look at it like it should be looked at - as fuel, not comfort. i keep beating my fucking BRAINS out trying to figure out why...

And maybe i'm not supposed to know why. Maybe i'm supposed to be messed up. i mean...maybe i'll never know the WHY, but i can know HOW to live with being messed up. And even if i do know the WHY...maybe that won't mean i can automatically fix it. Maybe i'll just have the WHY without a solution.

Someone...dear god, someone just beat me into a coma. Please.

Alright, so i splurged a little this weekend. i bought two pairs of pants and three shirts - things that i feel good in so that i'll be encouraged to continue.

i also went grocery shopping today and i think i did a pretty good job. i found these little 100 calorie packs of Keebler Grasshoppers, and they are fucking awesome. i also got Popsicles that are sugar-free and only have 15 calories, Turkey Sausage brats, Slow-Churned ice cream that only has 110 calories and fat free cream cheese with only 40 calories.

Y'know...as i was typing that, i realized that i'm starting to fucking hate food.

Don't you feel, sometimes, like you just keep talking about the same stuff, over and over again? And wonder, why do people keep listening to me?

So...fair warning. This will be about the same old stuff. i won't be offended if you skip it.

i want to be able to sit here and type so many things...i want to type that i'm really trying at my diet and being successful and oh-my-gosh-look-how-much-weight-i've-lost....but i can't. Well, i could...but i'd be a big fat liar. (har har)

i haven't gained any weight, which is good. i've started drinking way more water again, which is good. i do good during the day at work. But i'm the suck when i come home. i'm not exercising.

Really, i have to start looking at this a different way. i need to be conscious when i eat, and remember that i am attempting to nourish my body, not throw it fat cells to sit on. i need to remember that i am worth taking care of, even when i have the greatest excuse not to want to (so i think). i need to remember that no one else can do this for me - that even though support is good and would be greatly appreciated, there's not a damn soul on this planet that can force me to do this. i have to make up my mind and FINISH it. i had such a good start, and i can keep going - i have 30 more pounds to loose before December 22. i was feeling so good when i was taking care of myself, i felt good about how i was taking care of myself and i felt good about how i looked. i can keep going. i can.

Right?

*grunt* dammit.

6:51am

Yesterday wasn't the greatest day of my life. It wasn't the worst, but...i've had better. Usually on Wednesdays i'm supposed to get paychecks for my 124 children. Usually the FedEx guy comes to my office between 10:30 and 11:30am...so when i didn't have them by 2pm, i started worrying. By the time i got an answer from my corporate payroll office, it was 4pm, and apparently...the paychecks had been onsite since 11:00am. i think there must have been a substitute driver or something, because they delivered it to the Plant Receiving office instead of my office, and i wasn't notified of anyone signing for them.

i was pissed. The site manager was a bit taken back that i even knew words like that. =/

So i came home irritated...i did the dishes to kind of work off some of that irritation, which helped...but i was still feeling bleh.

i realized that i was feeling really defeated. i haven't been doing well on my "diet" (god i hate that word) - i'm not gaining weight, but i'm not loosing either. i haven't done any exercise at all, when i have a stationary bike i could easily get on while watching tv or whatever. i've gotten off track of my choices with food - last night i had macaroni and cheese for dinner because it was comforting. Blah blah blah, you get the idea - i suck.

i need help. i'm going to ask Darrin to help me do some exercise every day, at least on the bike everyday. Even though i do really well with food during the day at work, i packed a slightly better lunch today, just to give me a little boost. Last week at the grocery store, i decided to get the little packets of Crystal Light-type stuff instead of getting bottles of flavored water - less trash and all, because i can refill water bottles here in the office. So i've been drinking 5-6 16oz bottles of water every day, which is good.

i need to start being conscious while i'm eating. i've realized that i can just zone out and go through the motions, eventually ending up eating way more than i was even hungry for. i need to be THERE when i eat, because obviously, something's not working. It's not in my nature to be focused on eating - which seems weird, right? But really...when i eat, i just fade out...letting myself be comforted by the motions of eating. i don't really pay attention when i eat, but i should.

Why do i do that? God, haven't i gone through all this already? Haven't i figured out that i'm an emotional eater and all that phychological hoo-ha? Why am i still struggling - is it really this hard?

i know it is...i know i'm just whining. It makes me angry that i'm still doing this to my body after going through all the stuff i've already realized.

So here's an example of how dirtynastygross the place is that i work in.

Today, a little after lunch time, a couple guys came in and set a small box on my desk and grinned at me. Immediately i was wary, not only because of the grin, but because the box had DANGER written on it.

Not very subtle, my boys.

"What is that?" i asked with great trepidation.

"It's our mascot!" they replied with great glee, and open the box with a flourish.

Inside...are not one...but TWO...baby rats.

*facepalm*

-----------------------------

Later....

i'm finding myself getting irritated very easily lately. i'll be just fine, and all of a sudden, i'm just fed up and ready to shitcan the whole world. i've been careful about taking my medicine, so i can only imagine that it's PMS. Fantastic. It's been very hard not to snap. =(

Okay, so i kind of realized that i haven't been talking much about the stuff my little blurb talks about. Soooooooooo.....

slavery - *stares*

Actually, i feel okay with where i am now. In Gor, i'm blissful. At home, i'm just kind of doing what comes naturally, and not really over-thinking things. frog not thinking seems to be doing the trick. *snicker*

weightloss -

i've done really well this week food-wise, except that i downed a whole chinese dinner bymyfreakingself tonight. But, ees o-tay - i'm not discouraged, and i shall overcome. Just need to get my fatass moving.

Sex anyone?

polyamory - Okay, we're all aware that frog has a boyfriend and a wife. Yes? Good. i wish i could hand over some freak-ish drama, but...things are pretty stable right now. fish (the wife) is going through some personal issues which i am totally supportive of, and we see each other about every other week. i see Darrin all the damn time. *L*

and general hot-cha-cha - gheezus, i don't even know what that means. Was that me trying to be cool? Oy. Frog, shut up. You suck.

Little Wonders - Rob Thomas

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don’t you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don’t mind
if it’s me you need to turn to
we’ll get by,
it’s the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain

8:41am

Okay, so. i haven't been doing the greatest with my "life-change." Of course the vacation was in there, and it's not like i've been gorging myself everyday...but i can definitely notice a change. i feel heavier, and not just weight-wise. i've been making okay decisions, but some of them could have been better. ALRIGHT. A lot better. Dammit.

i don't know if this has anything to do with it at all, but...a few days ago, i just really got sick of taking care of people. Sometimes i get this way - where it seems like everything i do, every word out of my mouth is to make sure others are okay, to make their days better, to do whatever i can for other people. And...well, i just got tired of it. No matter what i said, i felt like it was for someone else's benefit - placating someone, reassuring someone, making their mood better, etc. So maybe if i got sick of taking care of other people...maybe i got sick of taking care of myself and just kind of...put it on the back burner for a bit. i dunno. i don't feel hopeless, or like i've ruined my chances...but i know i need to get back on track.

i need help, but i don't know what kind of help i need.

We had a great, great vacation. We timed it perfectly, leaving just when it was getting busy. We had an awesome condo to stay in, and Darrin had his first experience in a jacuzzi. *snickers* i wouldn't be surprised if i came home to one some day.

i think that i really needed the time away - not just from work, but to really reconnect with Darrin since our big breakdown. i feel like we're doing so much better, and i feel so good about where we are, and where we're going. We had so much fun together, and i fell in love with him all over again.

Beyond that...i wish i had something more interesting to say, but...alas, i am wordless. *chuckles* i'm ready to get back on track with my eating habits again. i bought the Volumetics book, but wasn't really impressed.

Tomorrow will be busy, as i've got payroll to do tomorrow, and after being gone for a week, i'll need to make sure everything is spot-on before noon.

Tuesday - 7:04am

i kind of feel a little disgusted with myself. i've been eating alright, but i can't seem to get in the groove of exercising. Over the weekend, i took two two-mile walks, but i didn't do anything yesterday. i know i make excuses that i work long hours, i don't have time, etc...but i can't make excuses anymore if i want to make changes. If i really want to change my life, excuses are not going to cut it anymore.

3:48pm

i'm beginning to wonder if i should be so diligent about the "numbers." Counting calories, weighing myself, etc. Part of me is wondering if that is actually hindering my progress. i almost feel like it's a crutch - i can eat whatever i want, as long as i stay within the prescribed number of calories. This change isn't about numbers for me - i really have no "goal weight" or anything. So why am i putting so much emphasis on it? i know it's important information, but...is it being helpful in actually changing my HABITS? i don't know. And then, of course, i wonder if that's just me trying to justify not keeping track anymore because i feel like it's too much work. Meh. =(


Wednesday - 10:31am

Darrin and i went for another walk last night, and i had a really good salad for dinner. That helped me feel better about how things were going. i did weigh myself just out of curiousity this morning, and i was at 257. Not bad, really. i need to think of a really good reward that i can give myself when i hit 30 pounds. i think i want to wait until i hit and maintain 30 pounds - maybe for a week? And then reward myself. It's only 4 more pounds, and Darrin and i are going walking again tonight.

i heard a song on the radio on the way into work this morning (at the asscrack of dawn) that said "You love me, but you don't know me..." That kind of got my mind wandering. i don't know that i could answer the question of "Who are you?" i've got a few general ideas, but i don't have specific answers as to who i am. It also made me wonder who i am to other people. Anyway - random thought.

Tuesday - 1:33PM

i actually tried to do a little reading last night from "The End of Diets: Healing Emotional Hunger." i can't seem to just sit down and read it, it seems like i have to go in spurts because it makes me cry. How girly is that?

Anyway...there was a quote at the beginning of one of the chapters (not like i read that many) that said something along the lines of "The thing in your life that you deny the most holds the most power in your life." i'm not exactly sure of the exact wording, but it was something like that. And it's true...the thing that i am most afraid of at any given time is the reality for me.

For instance: when i was certain that i would never be the slave i dream to be, when the thought terrified me and kept me up at night that i would never realize this growing part of me - it was true. i wasn't being the slave i could be, certainly not the slave i am now (small part that it is). i was taking actions that drove people away from that side of me because of my fear. i guess a part of me felt like i was taking measures to protect what felt very fragile and vulnerable to me by forcing people away from it.

For instance x2: This one is a more subvert, and therefore more scary to me. Food holds great power in my life. i didn't realize this until very recently, and now i struggle with it more than i care to admit. Sounds dramatic, doesn't it? i wish i didn't struggle, but i do, and i need to acknowledge it before i can succeed against it. i never knew what i was doing with my relationship to food, and now, it's gotten me into a place i don't want to be. Yes, i'm 28 pounds away from that place, but i have a long, long way to go.

i could go on a diet and loose the weight. i know i could. But i need to change my behaviors, and that's what is scary. It's like...food is comfortable, you know? Why should i not be comfortable? But i also know that being comfortable isn't allowing me any growth...at least mentally speaking. =/


Wednesday - 9:35am

Last night as i was driving, i was hit rather suddenly with exhaustion. By the time i got home, i was definitely feeling it - Darrin said i was acting strange. This morning, i am in a funk i can't seem to get out of. Usually when i come to work, those feelings disappear because i can focus my mind on other things. But today...it's not working. i feel like i'm ready to burst into tears, while at the same time feeling oddly numb. i want to hide from every single person on the planet. i talked to Darrin earlier and he got so worried that i tried to play it down...but i don't think he bought it.

One shred of silver lining...i'm not hungry.


Monday - 3:30pm

Wednesday i ended up leaving work early, and i took a mental health day on Thursday. i felt better after that, and had a good weekend. Right now, i'm in the process of booking our vacation. =)

7:05am

i made an effort to be pretty today.

i just deleted a few self-deprecating remarks - way to go me.

Anyway...i got my hair done on Friday, so i took time to "do" it this morning. i also put on a blouse i bought on Saturday while Darrin and i were out shopping. i got a steal - about 80 bucks worth of stuff for $46. i got two blouses, two tanktops, and a supercute pair of patent leather Mary Jane style high heels. i was a little more careful with my makeup, i even put on lipgloss. O.o

Yesterday my slave was aching. Something nudged it awake, and i spent most of the night lost in that world. i even found myself doing little things with Darrin - like when we sat down for supper, his plate was made first, and i waited until he said something before i started eating. It just came natural - and as i was waiting, i was wondering why i was doing it...and a voice in my head said "Because you want to, stupid!" So, yeah.

The things i dream about...are extreme. i know now that it's impossible to jump into those waters and not expect to drown. But maybe with all the little things, i can wade into those waters.

Later...

i totally resisted Chinese food for dinner. *flex*

6:33am

It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
- Bon Jovi "It's My Life"

Heard that song on the radio this morning, and it just seemed appropriate for the changes i've been making.

i'm feeling better, though i still feel a little fragile. i felt better after talking to Darrin yesterday morning, and i mentioned to him that it seemed so strange that i lived in that state for so long. i really don't want to be that person anymore.

i really need a vacation. i realized recently that i haven't taken time off for 2 years...since i started this job. i can feel it starting to get to me. Darrin and i are planning a little getaway, going to up the Wisconsin Dells. i'm excited, because we've never really gone on a vacation before.

i actually feel like i'm getting a deeper understanding of Darrin. It sort of makes me a little sad, because i feel like after almost 5 years, i should already know these things. But we've had a lot of conversations, and he's been able to really talk to me more, and i'm realizing that...well, that he's not as clueless as i thought. =/

6:36am

i'm not sure how i'm feeling yet today...sometimes i think i'm feeling better, but other times not. It was extremely hard to get out of bed this morning...

Happy Administrative Professionals Day to me - and anyone else out there.

6:54am

Everyday is so wonderful...
Then suddenly...it's hard to breathe...
- Christina Aquilera

With how good everything has been going, i'm almost ashamed to write this. i feel...not sad, not upset...just...dull. i want to curl up against something much stronger than me and hide. i know that nothing happened to cause this...it's just a cycle, i'm sure, and it will pass just as it came.

That's always been why this aspect of me is so frustrating. i have no reason to be like this. There's nothing i can blame this on except myself - no abuse in my childhood, no traumatic events, no drug use or anything. It's. All. Me. i had a therapist once tell me that i was the most clear-cut case of a true chemical imbalance that she'd ever seen. i said thanks. =/

It will go away...i'm not hopeless. i need to just...ride it out, and come out the other side. So i have a bad day...big deal. So i want to sleep for a few days...okay. i need to take care of myself and listen to my body, and if it gets to the point where it begins to become a problem, then i can start worrying. One bad day = no worry. 5 bad days = worry. Sleeping for a day = no worry. Sleeping for 5 days = worry.

So...pardon me while i burrow.

Later:

i'm struggling. Please, just let it go away. i don't want to be like this, i want to be how i was before.

7:03am

"The high note is not the only thing." - Placido Domingo

i had a good weekend. =) Friday Darrin and i went out to a nice lunch, and then shopping for my mom's birthday and for groceries. It was fun, and we talked more about how things are going between us. It's nice to have those lines of communication open again, and i'm really grateful that he's not holding a grudge or anything like that. It sounds incredibly sappy, but we both said we were the lucky ones...so we decided that he'll keep on showing me how he's lucky, and i'll keep showing him how i'm lucky, and we'll both feel better. *L* Silly, i know.

Saturday we celebrated my mom's birthday - i made her cry, which makes me the champion. *flex* Before anyone asks...my sister and i have a little unofficial contest to see who can make mom cry. Not bad tears, but good ones...like when nice things are said, or she gets something thoughtful or sweet. So, yay me.

Sunday i was cramping pretty badly, but Darrin and i spent most of the day outside doing yardwork. i know, right? i did yardwork! i even have blisters!

Today's quote struck me, because this weekend really was full of all the good little things that make up everything else besides the high note.

6:49am - Wednesday

To be yourself is all that you can do
- Audioslave "Be Yourself"

Yeah.

Y'know...it's been a long time since i've felt like myself. Such a long time that i forgot what me felt like. i lost touch, stopped calling or writing, and took myself off my own mailing list. As i think back, i believe it's been ever since that first panic attack, 9 and a half years ago.

It makes me wonder...have i been so far away from myself that the people i've met have met...someone not me? i mean...obviously they have, but will my relationships change as i become more and more myself?

Confession time...

i haven't been doing very well with the food issue. i haven't been gorging or anything, but i definitely could be doing better. Maybe i need to go back to recording everything i consume, and adding in the calories. i know that when i was doing that, i felt very conscious of what i would have to record, so maybe that will help. i've gained a few pounds - nothing serious, and i know that it's because i'll be getting my period this week, so i'm a weebloatedfrog. i need to begin making better decisions, and nothing is going to do that for me.



7:03am - Thursday

i think i did better yesterday with the food stuff. i lost a pound, so that's good. i'm going to start doing two things before i eat anything - first, drink water...and second, ask myself if i'm really hungry, or if i'm feeling something else that i think food will help (being lonely, being happy, being irritated, etc...). i'm going to try to introduce myself to my emotions and have a sit-down with them.

It's...i don't know, a little overwhelming to me how invasive the effect food has on me has become. i never noticed it before, but...i feel like my eyes have never really been open before, either. i connect comfort with food...celebration with food...grieving with food. i need to change my connection with food...need to realize that it's just fuel, nothing more. i need to find other ways to connect with feelings.

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone
I'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

I've got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
I've got a right to be wrong
Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

You're entitled to your opinion
But it's really my decision
I can't turn back I'm on a mission
If you care don't you dare blur my vision
Let me be all that I can be
Don't smother me with negativity
Whatever's out there waiting for me
I'm going to faced it willingly

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
Flesh and blood to the bone
See, I'm not made of stone
I've got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

- Joss Stone "Right To Be Wrong"

i heard this song this morning and i was struck at how well it fits me right now. i really do feel like i can finally breathe, like i've stripped off a heavy, oozy sludge from myself. Don't get me wrong - i know that the only person to blame for that ooze is myself. But...i'm really proud that i'm turning my life around, and i feel very good about the way things are going.

Okay...who's all wondering what kind of day i had?

Tsk...liar, liar...you wouldn't be here if you didn't care, silly...

Thanks for caring. i had a good day. =)

6:37am

i am moving forward. i am tired of being broken - there isn't much glory in exerting control over something that is kept broken. i feel nostalgic, but calm. i feel ready. i feel able to look at my past objectively, and remember the lessons from it, and not live in it. i feel ready to -not- be broken.

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live

- Switchfoot "Meant To Live"

i lost myself, but i'm finding me again - and i'm meant for so much more than what i've been in the past.

Thanks, jewels. =)

7:05am - Tuesday

You know...i really am grateful for everything that has happened. Every fear, every moment of walking on eggshells, every delirious pleasure, every state of confusion. i'm grateful for everything, because i feel like i've learned from them. i can't pick and choose what to be grateful for, because it's all helped me. i've learned what is healthy for me, what kinds of people i need to surround myself with, what kind of behaviors are detrimental to me. i have to remember (but not wallow in!) the bad things, so that i can adjust my aim and move in a better direction.

i really feel like i'm doing so much better. People have noticed when i talk to them that i just seem...well, brighter. i think that was the word used.

It's actually sort of interesting to me now...because i can see people falling back into negative behaviors. Not that i'm any kind of judge, but i can just recognize them now, and it gives me insight into those people.

Like Alanis says...i'm tired of being so masochistic. i'm tired of putting myself in such harmful experiences just because it's attention. i'm tired of putting my life aside for people that don't care about it, and use my loyalty as blackmail. i'm tired of hurting myself and beating myself up over and over and over again because i'm not a model of perfection. i'm tired of hiding behind my body. i'm tired of protecting my most inner being. i'm tired of being so selfish, and i'm tired of feeling guilty.

So i'm not gonna. i've got a good circle of people around me now, and i'm going to do everything in my power to give just as much as i'm receiving.

So if you're reading this, and you're smiling...i'm grateful for you.

Yep, even you.

8:26am - Wednesday

i forgot to pick up my prescription yesterday, and so i've been without happy pills for 2 days. i can definitely feel it today - i'm irritable and hermit-ish. i feel quite disgusted with myself, actually.

Later...

Not so disgusted with myself anymore...now i'm more disgusted with other people. All of a sudden, it's all blatantly clear just how...stupid i was for even involving myself with them.

How painfully honest can i be?

i've started reading a book called "The End Of Diets: Healing Emotional Hunger".

Hi. i'm an emotional eater.

i feel like...have you ever forced yourself to stand in front of the mirror, no matter how grossed out you felt, no matter how disgusted, no matter that you KNEW that if anyone was on the other side of the mirror, THEY'D be disgusted too?

Hi.

i'm pulling at my band-aids with agonizing slowness, revealing the pink, wounded flesh beneath. It's healing, but it's raw...and it hurts.

And it has everything to do with food...and the one thing i somehow can never bear to sit down with. my own emotions.

i relate food to comfort. Ice cream makes me happy. Macaroni and cheese soothes me. When i panic, i reach. When i cry, i reach. When i celebrate, i reach.

*takes a moment*

Why...can't i be alone with my emotions? Why do i have this...abusive relationship with myself?

Thank You - Alanis Morrissette

How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm full up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

7:49am

i hate Mondays. Everyone seems intent upon making my life crap the moment i walk in the door.

Bleh.

i finally got up this morning and did my exercise. Woot! This weekend i got to go out walking - on Friday with Darrin, and Saturday with fish. i think i might just drive over to the track in town after work and walk a couple laps before going home, too.

Things are continuing to get better at home, too. Not only with Darrin, but with fish too. i'm feeling really good - not really content because i want to keep moving forward, but happy with the direction things are going right now. i feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. =)

6:44am

i went home last night and had a really good talk with Darrin. i told him everything that had been going on, why i was in such a bad place for so long, and how that's all gone now. We talked about D/s stuff, about poly stuff, about general us stuff. What was so nice was that he was actually -talking- to me, he was just letting stuff come out instead of worrying over every single word. We talked for about an hour, and then we just layed down and snuggled for the rest of the night. It felt really good to get it all out, and good that he was really talking to me. i told him that we need to do that more often, because that really is our downfall. i asked him if he'd thought about breaking up with me during that period, and he said that there was one particular night that he was close to throwing me out of the house. Can't blame him, really...and i told him that i had told my parents i might have to move in, and that i applied for jobs in the Quad Cities. He didn't get upset with anything i said, he listened and responded, and i did the same.

It was just...really, really good.

i did tell him that i was considering my Gor experience, and he did say that he was glad about the steps that i've already taken as far as Gor goes, but that he wasn't sure that leaving was what i needed. i told him that during that bad time, i was actually flip-flopping rt and rp. i was projecting what i wanted rt into rp - having human emotions and drawing things into my life, and what i wanted in rp into rt - expecting Darrin to be this "Owner" and not able to understand why he couldn't accomplish it. It wasn't fair to anyone involved, and i think just recognizing that has helped me immensely.

Wednesday

6:54am

" 'To be or not to be' is not the question - because you can't have one without the other!" - Alan Watts

i relaxed last night and spent time with Darrin. i talked a bit with fish about stuff related to my writing yesterday, and things became a bit more clear.

my thought this morning is that...well, i allowed all this to happen. i made those choices. No one can force me to do anything - everything is my choice. And that's what hurts. Why have i put myself through such horrible things? Why have i allowed myself to be used, to be hurt by bad people, people who didn't care a single iota about me? Do i truly think so little of myself?

Not anymore. It's not going to be easy...already i can see a vague outline of what i need to do, and it's going to be really, really hard. Breaking habits built over 9 years. But i can't afford to live like this anymore. i can't afford to keep giving and giving and giving and getting nothing in return to replace that growing empty space. i can't be swayed by promises and poems, because lies can come in the prettiest packages.

i won't stop living...no, not hardly. What i need to do is re-evaluate what i give and who i give it to.

And now, i'm going to delete a few numbers from my cell. =)

12:36pm

Darrin called me this morning, and we talked for a little bit about something that was bothering him. Basically, it sounds like pretty much the same things i've been realizing. He wants to talk more tonight, but it shouldn't be too bad. Really, it has to do with my whole issue with Gor...in that i was trying to force something on him that couldn't happen. i hope that him and i can really talk, and continue to really talk to each other, because that really is our biggest problem. Sometimes i forget that he has the same emotions that i do.

6:49am

Lots of thoughts going through my head on the drive in to work this morning.

i'm beginning to realize, i think, that i - Jennifer - am not and won't ever be a Gorean slave. It just ain't gonna happen. i would love to be held in that state, but it's just an impossibility. i think i've clung so hard to Gor because i wanted that fantasy to be reality. And that's just...well, it's dumb. i'm a human, a female, and even though i am totally and completely service-driven, there is a very real and human part of me that needs to have basic human needs met. i can't completely lose my sense of self.

i began to think about my involvement with Gor as a relationship - and i wondered why i was staying. What am i getting out of it? It sucks to think that way, but that's the truth of it.

i'm putting a lot of effort in caring about what these people think...and i shouldn't. i really, really shouldn't. Most of these people don't even know my name, and if they do, there are only one or two of them that really care about me. Why am i exerting so much energy trying to please these people? i've learned a very hard lesson lately that people will say whatever they can to get what they want out of you. Why should i put myself in that position?

i don't know if i need to go to the extreme of actually leaving - but i definitely need to re-evaluate.

Stupidshittycrapaholicday.

i STAPLED my fucking FINGER.

--------------------

i got my emotional eating books today. It seems like i have a lot to work on. And now...i'm wondering what my need to be involved with Gor is. i'm not liking what i'm uncovering so far...but i guess that's the beauty of it, in order to change, recognition must be made.

Foods eaten: Banana, grilled pork chop, apple, Special K Bar, grilled hamburger, cashews

Total caloric intake: 860

Exercise: 1/2 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2320

Current weight: 256

6:30am

i got a Newsweek in the mail yesterday, and it had letters and emails from soldiers who have died in Iraq. Some of the letters were written specifically to be given to family members after the soldier died. i was in awe...i can't even imagine that thought process. How do you decide that you're going to write a letter to your family so that they have something of you after you die? How do you handle knowing that you're going to die, and sitting down to write a letter like that? What kind of emotions go through you when you get home safely after writing a letter like that?

One of the family members' comments said that it was no longer about being pro or anti-Bush, or pro or anti-war. It was simply about supporting the soldiers. i think that's very true.

On a much lighter note, i totally pigged out on cashews last night, and i actually felt ill. i didn't eat anything "bad" yesterday, but binging on cashews isn't exactly what i need, either. i just...zone out when i eat like that. Maybe i should stop taking snacks into the living room, because i'll just stare at the TV like an ugly mess and forget about what i'm doing - i.e. stuffing myself stupid.

7:34pm

Okay...i just looked at the link midori gave me for Prevention Magazine. (midori, you sweet thing, thank you for caring so much!) According to that, i should probably be eating something around 1500 calories a day. Really, that's only about 500-600 more a day than i have now. i feel actually a little scared about doing that - probably because i don't feel like i've created good habits yet, and i'm not good at staying with the exercise. If i was stable on the exercise part, i could probably keep up with my loss as it's been with eating that much.

Maybe for now, i'll try to increase it to 1000 a day, and keep trying to get back on the right track with the exercise.

Monday - 8:15am

"I know that I know nothing." - Socrates

That is pretty much how i feel today. Not a derogatory put-down of myself, just an acknowledgement that i'm not intheknow of everythingintheUniverse.

More things to think about today after last night. i don't like what i've been showing others...and though i think i've been better about than i have in the past, it's still -there- and still not pretty.

my past is just that - my past. Experience to learn from, but not to live in. i know i struggle with this, and i can only hope that i can show how i am learning from it, and moving on.

i did have a good weekend...went on a date with fish on Friday night, and she spent the night. The best part of that (besides going to see "300" and drooling over manly Spartans for 2 hours...hominahomina...) was on Saturday morning, fish crawled into bed with Darrin and i. The three of us snuggled up in bed with me in the middle, and it was just...really nice.

The tension is also much better between Darrin and i. We had a little talk on Saturday about the "status" of things - he said that he felt like i was much calmer, much happier than he's seen me in a long time. i told him that i'd been caught up in a lot of things online that i didn't need to be, and that those things have gone away now - either by my doing, or by their own. i told him that i feel like i have much better things to concentrate on now, and that it feels like i'm taking steps to not let that part of me rule my life anymore.

Tuesday - 7:03am

i had a good night last night. =) i had a surprisingly different thought process about something, and it felt really good. Instead of torturing myself (which i'm so good at), i just...waited with a smile. Yay me.

This week i should hit 30 pounds lost. i'm at 256, and 253 will be 30 pounds. i really can't believe it...there are times when i can physically feel it, and i know that i definitely feel better all around. my clothes are definitely fitting better, and people are starting to say nice things about it. Both fish and Darrin have said that i'm much different than i was before. i know that i can tell a difference when i eat heavier things...i -feel- heavier, and fish said that i have more personality now. She said that i used to be sluggish, and kind of monotone, which i can definitely see.

1:37pm

i want a donut so bad. =( i actually got up to get one, but someone came in at that same time. So now, i'm eating carrots like they're going out of style. GRRR. i was thinking to myself, why can't i just stop wanting the stuff that's bad for me? And i realized that there are probably a lot of people who feel the same way, with other kinds of addictions. i'm not addicted by a long shot, but the temptation is definitely there. So far, i am strong.

Just don't tell anyone i had Chinese food for dinner last night. O.o

i ordered two books about emotional eating, as a reward to myself.

Does that seem weird?

Foods eaten: Banana, grilled pork chop, green beans, Special K Bar, tilapia stuffed with shrimp and herbs, cottage cheese, cashews

Total caloric intake: 905

Exercise: 1/2 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2320

Current weight: 256

6:58am

i'm feeling introspective today. my thoughts are going all over the place...not bad things, just things. i don't feel upset or panicky, just...more quiet and thoughtful.

i can't really place what i'm thinking about, though. Right now, all i have are images, flashes of places and people in my head.

Someone did tell me last night that keeping my calorie count at 800 everyday was dangerous...i know that it could be, but right i feel okay with it. i'm not tired during the day, i don't really get hungry...my plan is to increase my calorie intake once i get in the habit of a normal exercise routine. i hoped to be able to do that by summer (July/August). i'm (obviously) not loosing weight at a rapid pace anymore - this morning i was down to 256. It's hard to imagine that two months ago i was 283. It's really only 27 pounds, but it seems like such a huge difference. i got compliments yesterday at work, and i'm able to wear clothes i haven't been able to in awhile.

Foods eaten: Banana, soup, yogurt, green beans, Special K bar, grilled pork chop, cottage cheese, cashews, 100 calorie snack pack

Total caloric intake: 815

Exercise: 1/2 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2329

Current weight: 257

Foods eaten: Special K Bar, banana, grilled chicken strips, green beans, yogurt, grilled fish, cottage cheese, cashews, 100 calorie pack snack

Total caloric intake: 845

Exercise: 1 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2474

Current weight: 258

7:29am

Sooooo i went to the doctor yesterday. i didn't go expecting some grand diagnosis or anything, and i didn't get one. Pretty much, the doctor agreed with me that it was a combination of the antibiotics and the sudden weight loss that was causing it. He wants to see what happens after this week, since i am supposed to get my regular period at the end of the week. He thinks that it should dissipate after that. i've got my fingers crossed. i know that i've been feeling better the past few days.

i feel -really- good this morning...really hopeful. For some reason, i wanted to wear pink today, so i am...and i'm in a good mood. i'm back down to 258, i did a good job yesterday with my food intake. i'm still not exercising, but once i get better i will be.

So...yay. frog feels good.

Foods eaten: Special K Bar, banana, soup, cottage cheese, yogurt, cashews, grilled chicken strips, green beans, and 100 calorie pack

Total caloric intake: 795

Exercise: 1/2 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2234

Current weight: 262


6:28am - Thursday

"Only one who makes no attempt to possess it cannot lose it." - Lao-Tsu

Hm. That brings up a lot of questions...

Does possession automatically mean loss? i suppose in a way it does. Everything goes away in the end, really - through changes inherant to nature or death.

i'm thinking about how this relates to slavery...cause...well, that's what i do.

One will never loose a slave They do not possess. Well, okay - that's easy enough to understand. But on the other side...i definitely know the sense of loss related to slavery, so does that mean that i have possessed something? i haven't possessed someONE, that's for sure...but i guess no matter what, slaves do possess basic human emotions. So the loss i felt was related to the emotions i had.

So...slaves cannot possess anything material, but what kind of slave would they be without emotions? What kind of slave would Someone master, if there were nothing there to master? Can emotions of a slave be possessed by another? That i'm not sure of...i know first hand the intensity of those feelings, and my body can be possessed. But my emotions? my first instinct is to say that i freely give my emotions, but i also believe that emotions can be trainable, and isn't that a form of possession in itself? If i do give over my emotions to someone else, how much is truly possessed?

7:03am - Monday

"Nothing will work unless you do." - Maya Angelou

Ain't that the damn truth.

i spent the weekend doing a whole lot of nothing, and eating a whole lot of everything. i didn't hurt as badly as i have been, mostly because i was able to lay down when it got painful. Last night though, i started to have this ache...it's kind of like a cross between cramps and being nauseous. Still have it this morning, so we'll see.

i got a little upset on Saturday, because fish told me she had sex with Ted. That's not the upsetting part - what was upsetting to me was the fact that i haven't had any in so long, and i kind of felt like...it's all because there's something wrong with me. Untouchable frog. Anyway.

9:45am

my moods are really going haywire with all this bleeding. Thursday i was so irritated i actually cried when i was trying to express my frustration to Darrin on the phone. i turned my phone off on Thursday night, and didn't turn it back on until yesterday. i didn't want to talk to anyone, look at anyone, HEAR anyone. i felt better on Friday, and then got all mauldin and crappy on Saturday. i started crying because Darrin wanted to go out with his friends, and i felt like i was so boring, i felt horrible that i wasn't more entertaining to him. Bleh.

Foods eaten: banana, soup, cottage cheese, yogurt, turkey breast wrap, chips, lemonade, 3 cookies and cashews

Total caloric intake: 855 + whatever the cookies were

Exercise: 1/2 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2070

Current weight: 259

6:29am

Although the wind
blows terribly here,
the moonlight also
leaks through the holes
in the roof
of this ruined house.

- Shibiku

Now...i know i'm not ruined. Sometimes i feel like i am, but logically i know that i'm not...but that poem really, really connects with something in me. Maybe it's because sometimes i feel ruined...especially lately, with the bleeding and the issues regarding past friendships. The poem makes me...quietly hopeful. Not really sad...more like...contemplating the holes. i can see an image of me touching them, examining them, seeing how big they are and how much damage was done. But there's still moonlight coming through, my little shaft of light in the Oubliette.

i've thought about writing letters to people...but i think it's best to just let things lie. i think the best thing to do is learn the lessons from this experience, and turn it into something positive...which is what i hope they are doing as well.

1:45pm

The tiredness hit me much earlier today, around 10:30 this morning. So far i've been good, though - no snacks or anything. i might stop and get Subway tonight, if i have the money for it, because i can get a meal for 370 calories. That is a Turkey breast wrap with American cheese and light mayo, "Light" Lays chips, and a lemonade.

Foods eaten: peanut butter crackers, cookies, cottage cheese, yogurt, carrots, M&M's, Cheerios, cashews

Total caloric intake: i fucking lost count.

Exercise: 1/2 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2070

Current weight: 259

Yesterday:

7:23am

"Make your mind empty. Right there is the Buddha!" - Zen saying

So...still bleeding. It seemed to taper off some on Friday, but came back with a vengence. i can tell that it's not only making me tired (out of 72 hours in the weekend, i slept for 40), but it's affecting my moods as well. i'm alternating between too exhausted to feel anything, to feeling everything at once and getting all emotional. Which is exhausting in and of itself. Bleh.

i've been contemplating my mantra..."When the slave is ready, the Master will find her." And i figured...i'm not going to be ready until i find myself. i know i'm in the process of finding myself, so that's promising. i guess i can say that i'm found...but i'm not really sure what to do with it all yet.

Yay.

1:10pm

Have an appointment to see gyno on next Monday. i guess if it gets too bad, i'll just go up to the clinic or something, though i'm not really sure what all they can do for me.

i was doing pretty good this morning, but i'm wearing down now. i feel better after eating, but now all i want to do is nap. Stoopid bleeding frog.

Today:

6:32am

"We're all in this together - by ourselves." - Lily Tomlin

i was thinking (dwelling) on some things this morning on the drive to work. i was feeling bad, feeling sad and angry and lonely. But you know what? i'm getting TIRED of feeling that way. i'm getting tired of being MADE to feel that way. i'm not less of a person, i'm not less of a slave, i'm just different. i care about people i have relationships with, i don't just use them for my own gain. i make efforts to reach out, to let people know that i care. i can't just put people aside, without thought to their feelings.

So you know what? i'm done. i can't change the past - it's done, and i can't change people's minds. At this point, i don't think i'd even want to. If i continue the way i am, i'm going to go nowhere real fast...and i don't really want to go to nowhere. i've got a lot of good things in my life that i need to concentrate on, things that are healthy and positive and not related to drama in any form.

i was listening to the Evanescence song "Good Enough" on the drive here, and i realized that i really need to be "good enough" for myself. i think i'm getting there, definitely after this morning.

Speaking of...no more excuses, ms. frog. Stick to your plan, stick to your goal, and you'll be a happier, healthier person. You know you can already feel a difference, so keep at it.

11:38am

Well, i didn't. i felt so sick because i was hungry this morning, i broke down and went to the vending machine and got peanut butter crackers and cookies. i didn't NEED to, because i have things to eat here that would have been much better for me. i feel so crappy...last night i had chinese food for dinner, and i haven't exercised in the mornings at all. Ack, i feel so guilty just admitting that, even here. i am suck-frog.

5:01pm

A co-worker told me that his daughter recently got diagnosed with cervical cancer, and one of her symptoms was bleeding like mine.

i had a bag of M&M's.

6:55am

Last night i finally got to see midori - poor thing is working her tail off. It was so great to talk to someone who understood me. i heart midori! she really is such a positive influence, her presence is very calming and soothing to me. she's such a wonderful, beautiful person, a really gorgeous slave. i want to be midori when i grow up. =)

Yesterday was...oy. i got really, really tired and really irritable - mostly because i've had my period for 2 weeks. i don't think it's because of my lifestyle changes, because my period was normal before. It all changed when i got sick, so i'm thinking that maybe the antibiotics had something to do with it. Either way, i wish it would quit. It was weird, i had my period normally, and then a day and a half or two days later, it started all over again, with the cramps and heavy flow and everything.

Okay, raise your hand if you were grossed out by that. heh.

So, i left work at 4 and went home. i grabbed Subway for dinner on the way home, because i was just not in the mood for cooking at all - but i did really good, actually. i had a Turkey Breast wrap with American cheese and light mayo, a package of chips ("Light" Lays), and a lemonade. All-together, it ended up being 350 calories, and i was well under my 800 limit for the day. It wasn't the best choice, i know - but i'm okay with it.

i actually went to bed at about 6:30 last night. Got up for a little while to talk to midori, and ended up falling asleep about 9. i was watching a TLC show about conjoined twins, and the show that was on after that was the "I Eat 33,000 Calories A Day" show. Sooooo, i turned it off. Didn't really wanna see that. Again. Those shows are helpful to me, but i get so upset by them, and i really didn't need that last night.

i feel alright this morning, so hopefully the irritability is gone.

3:22pm

So tired. i feel completely drained. And i don't have any work to distract me at the moment. i've had a handful of M&M's. =( But i'm not bitch-frog again...just super tired.

midori...i miss you too. *hug*

Foods eaten: banana, yogurt, soup, turkey breast wrap, chips, lemonade and cashews.

Total caloric intake: 750

Exercise: 30 mins on bike, 1/2 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2711

Current weight: 258

6:33am

"Yao-shan was sitting quietly in cross-legged meditation when a monk asked him, "In this immovable position, what are you thinking?"

"Thinking of that which is beyond thinking," said Yao.

"How do you go on thinking that which is beyond thinking?" pressed the monk.

"By not-thinking." - Zen Mondo

Yesterday on my way home, i saw a herd of at least 15-20 deer grazing in a cornfield no more than 100 yards away from the highway. It was beautiful to see, but it's also a bit scary...if they are grazing so close to the highway, that means they are more likely to CROSS the highway. Deer + car = dead frog.

i've only hit a deer once in my life, and i got extremely lucky...i actually hit two of them at once (can't help it, i'm an overachiever), but the one bounced off the other, and the other ended up catching under my car instead of crashing through my windshield. my little Saturn L200 has been dubbed "The Deerslayer." =/

i did notice something interesting yesterday. i've been a little...emotional lately, but ever since i started this new life, i've almost switched my reactions around. For instance...before (and still sometimes now, it's a hard habit to break), when i would get emotional, i would eat. Comfort foods for me are things like...macaroni and cheese. Rice. Pancakes, muffins, cake...those are the things i have cravings for now. But now...like yesterday, i was pretty emotional - and i didn't eat a damn thing until noon. And even then, i felt nauseous. i didn't even think about food, other than a passing thought that i should eat my banana - but i got busy and forgot.

i saved today's Zen quote because i often need to remember that. i get too bogged down in the thinking, the processing, the considering. Often i'll discover things even if i don't spend time thinking about it, or at least not actively thinking about it...so i need to do a little "not-thinking"...especially now.

Interesting. i took a Myers-Briggs personality test, and here's my result:



Some interesting snippits:

"ISFJs are characterized above all by their desire to serve others, their "need to be needed." In extreme cases, this need is so strong that standard give-and-take relationships are deeply unsatisfying to them; however, most ISFJs find more than enough with which to occupy themselves within the framework of a normal life."

"ISFJs are often unappreciated, at work, home, and play. Ironically, because they prove over and over that they can be relied on for their loyalty and unstinting, high-quality work, those around them often take them for granted--even take advantage of them."

"Like most Is, ISFJs have a few, close friends. They are extremely loyal to these, and are ready to provide emotional and practical support at a moment's notice. (However, like most Fs they hate confrontation; if you get into a fight, don't expect them to jump in after you. You can count on them, however, run and get the nearest authority figure.)"

Foods eaten: banana, yogurt, soup, pickles, lemon and herb tilapia, cottage cheese, cashews

Total caloric intake: 780

Exercise: 30 mins on bike, 1/2 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2711

Current weight: 260

6:40am

"Your soul isn't in your body; your body is in your soul!" - Alan Watts

i had a really long talk with someone last night. i was really, really upset by something that i'd read...and she was the right person to reach out to.

Y'know...i've done some crappy things. i know that. But i would hope that people around me would know that those things were mistakes, not malicious. If this is way it's meant to be, then that's the way it's meant to be. i'd like to, but i don't think i can change it...so i need to make peace with it.

And actually, i take a great deal of comfort from the fact that the person who wrote what i was hurt by is actually doing something very, very positive for themselves. There's absolutely no way i can find any fault with that at all...i just miss my friend, that's all. So, i feel both good and bad about all of this. Bad, because i think the worst is being believed of me by people who should know better (ah, but the $64,000 question is whether or not i've given them enough good things TO know better...), but good because someone i care about is really turning their life around in a positive way.

Plus...i can't ignore how i feel, either. i can't just push all of that aside and try to make everyone like me. If i feel like i've been taken for granted, that i've been used, that i've been making all the effort and receiving nothing in return, well...that's something i need to consider.

9:02am

From fish:

"Yeah, you can only work to change yourself." - in response to me ruminating on fixing myself or fixing others.

4:34pm

Okay, so i've been thinking about my daily Zen quote up there, and i'll admit: for awhile, i just couldn't wrap my head around it. How is my BODY in my SOUL? WTF? i think, though, that i started to get it. As long as your soul doesn't have a finite form, as long as it isn't constrained by a "holding cell" so to speak, then your soul can move beyond your body - not so much in a new-age-out-of-body-experience kind of way, but in more of an all-encompassing kind of way. Like...your soul can consist of your environment, your surroundings. So...okay. Random philosophical-frog.

And...on a "i am a GOD" note...i spent 10 hours today no more than 18 inches away from 4 opened boxes of Girl Scout cookies...and i didn't eat a single one.

Not. A. Single. One.

i forced everyone who came within screeching distance to eat them all. Heh.

Foods eaten: banana, yogurt, soup, 100 calorie snack pack, pretzels, tilapia stuffed with shrimp and herbs, cottage cheese, cashews

Total caloric intake: 875

Exercise: 30 mins on bike, 1 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2572

Current weight: 260

8:07am

"In studying the Way, realizing it is hard; once you have realized it, preserving it is hard. When you can preserve it, putting it into practice is hard." - Zen saying

Amen to that.

i had a good weekend...i think. It ended weird. fish came over, and we went to a Women's Health and Lifestyle Fair. Did you know that the key to women's health is jewelry? Apparently it is, from the amount of jewelry booths that were there. We also went to see "Black Snake Moan" which was really good. Got to hang out with my sister (Goon) a lot too, which was nice.

When fish left yesterday, she was upset...when i asked her what was wrong, she just said "I'm starving." So...i know she depends on me to feed her other side, and i felt bad. i felt horribly bad, and i just kind of spiraled into badness for the rest of the night. There were a few people online that...well, it's probably a good thing they didn't message me.

i just...i can't do sex lately. i can do it with myself, obviously, but...whenever Darrin or fish touches me in a potentially sexual way, i just freeze. i actually feel disgusted, and it's so overpowering that it shuts me down. i'm not disgusted by them...i'm disgusted that it's me they are touching. i get disgusted with the body that they are touching. It's like...i don't want them to dirty themselves.

8:33am

Food-wise, i did okay this weekend. At least, i don't feel discouraged about the mistakes i did make. i think that's important, and having the support system that i do have is helping me out a great deal.

Foods eaten: banana, black bean soup and bread, popcorn, 100 calorie snack pack, grilled chicken, cottage cheese, green beans and cashews

Total caloric intake: 935

Exercise: walked for FOREVER

Calories burned: 974

Current weight: 258

Foods eaten: grilled chicken strips, 1 slice of mozzarella cheese, salad with cauliflower, sunflower seeds, ranch dressing and hard-boiled egg, frozen yogurt.

Total caloric intake: 835

Exercise: shopping, housework

Calories burned: 1069

Current weight: 258

258. That means that i have officially lost 5 pounds since yesterday, AND i've officially lost 25 pounds, which is officially HALF of my year-long goal of loosing 50 pounds.

Holy crap.

fish is here, and we're having a weekend of fun to make up for a week of crap. i feel like we've been having some really good conversations lately, and tonight was no different.

Foods eaten: banana, pork chop, cottage cheese, grilled chicken strips, rice

Total caloric intake: 795

Exercise: office work, 1/2 mile walk, 30 minutes on bike

Calories burned: 2456

Current weight: 263

6:45am

"Breathing in, be one with your own breath. Breathing out, be one with your own breath." - Instructions on Sitting

well, that quote is appropriate today, because i did a little bit of reading yesterday. i think i might be what is called an "emotional eater", confusing the comforting sensations of food with feeling better. i'm not really an overeater, because i don't eat all the time...i just eat inappropriate food at inappropriate times.

So, i think i need to do a bit of research on that, before my situation becomes too bad to fix. i know that i am overweight, but again - my situation is fixable. i'm not incapasitated by my weight, i'm not bedridden or disabled because of my weight. i have been able to lose 20 pounds so far. So, i think now is the time to do something before i realize one of my two greatest fears - being the 1 ton woman.

i've got my eye on a few books from Amazon, and i think that i need to concentrate on finding other things to focus on when i get struck with urges. Meditation, working out, even simple things like removing myself from close proximity to food or taking a nap.

i need to also remember that while i need to stay diligent to my plan, i have to realize that...well, that deviations from the plan do not mean failure. If i stay constant to my plan, there will be room for additions - especially once i begin increasing my workouts. i don't have to be limited from the food i love for the rest of my life - i just have to realize that the foods i love aren't the best for my system, but once my system is healthier and able to more easily process those foods, i can indulge once in awhile. What i need to be careful of is making sure that the indulgences don't come too soon, and too close together. i was living a life of indulgences, and look where it got me.

So, once again, for my continued pounding-into-the-brain, here is my plan:

- Eat mainly fruits, vegetables, and leans meats. Additions can include "natural foods" - eggs, nuts, and also some bread, cheese, and low-calorie soups and yogurt.

- Drink mainly water, with tea and fruit juices added in.

- Exercise at least 30 minutes a day of concentrated, continuous increased heart rate. i may increase that to 1 hour a day, broken up into two sessions, once i get re-acclimated to the exercise after being sick.

- Keep calories to 800 or less each day.

- Eat smaller things more frequently during the day to boost metabolism.

- Do not eat past 7:30pm.

- Continue to work on ways to curb cravings until they go away (which they will, right?).

9:27am

If i'm having problems, and i think about all the people that want me to succeed, and how i don't want to disappoint them...is that a good practice to use for curbing my cravings? i'm not sure. It smacks of a guilt trip, and i don't really want to go there...

9:42am

Email from fish:

"Is it guilt? Or, is it simply external motivation? People want you to succeed because they love you. Love as a motivator isn't the same thing as guilt, I don't think. You could turn that into a PART of your motivation because you love them, too. But the bulk of your motivation has to come from within. An external motivator will not sustain you for the long haul. "

Foods eaten: banana, yogurt, soup, pear, pork chop, cottage cheese, dinner roll

Total caloric intake: 990

Exercise: office work, 1/2 mile walk, 30 minutes on bike

Calories burned: 2461

Current weight: 263

6:29am

i got up this morning and did my full workout. i really didn't want to, but i did it. i thought about even breaking it up in half, but i did the whole thing. And today, i'm going to dig myself in and eat what i'm supposed to be eating...instead of everything else on the planet. =/

If i want to continue to loose weight, this is what i have to do. Period. No waffling (Mmm....waffles...), no hedging, no "this one little thing won't hurt me." This is what i have to do.

7:31am

"Someone who is addicted to eating is actually starving on an emotional and spiritual level. Her longing for food is a longing for emotional and spiritual nourishment." - Eating in the Light of the Moon: How Women Can Transform Their Relationship With Food Through Myths, Metaphors & Storytelling by Anita A. Johnston PhD.

*blink*

i need to come back to this.

3:27pm

Okay, so. Am i starved? Looking back...and looking at everything that changed and that i realized over that one weekend this all started...yeah, i think i am. And i think that i'm able to (somewhat) control that now because i'm aware of it now and making changes.

That's a pretty big thing to realize, actually.

6:36am

"Infinitely more important that the answers are the questions, the choice of them, the inner form of them." - Oswald Spengler

Well, Oswald is definitely right there. i know that i ask myself a lot of questions, and sometimes i don't get answers but just asking the questions themselves sometimes makes me feel better. Sometimes the most important thing is just being aware, not having the answers. i know i feel like i'm definitely more aware now...

i weighed in at 263 again this morning. i really want to be able to workout again, but at the moment that's kind of impossible...the one space i had to workout in is being taking up by a sofabed, because fish is staying over. Maybe i can do it at nights instead...all i know is, it feels really strange to want to exercise.

9:06am

Feeling kind of mopey today. i did just find out that fish has power now, so i'll have my workout space back. i'm sure this mopeyness is because of my period - it's all out of whack because of the antibiotics i was taking. Meh.

9:58am

Ohholygeez, i'm so hungry. DAMMIT. i feel like i could eat everything in sight. Someone just gave me a bite-size Snicker to shut me up. =(

1:40pm

Okay. i'm doing okay...i had some soup and yogurt for lunch. i'm really craving something like cake. i still feel like i could eat the entire world - maybe a delayed PMS reaction? ARGH.

3:40pm

i broke down and had a Snickers bar. i feel so completely disgusting, even though i'm sure i've eaten worse than that lately. This is worrisome to me (honestly, is there anything that ISN'T worrisome to me?) because i don't want to become obsessive about this - i just want to change my behaviors and be healthier. i guess i should take some comfort in the fact that i AM upset about the Snickers bar (man, does that sound pathetic...), because it means that my behavior has changed from complacency to awareness. But still.

You know...i've been watching shows lately about fat people. And granted, i'm big but i'm not grotesque...i know this. But when i watch those shows, i can really understand those people. Food as an addiction, obsessing about calories burned and taken in, not thinking about what you are eating...it's all inside me.

Is it true? Am i an addict? God, just typing that out made me shudder. Did something so commonplace as food really have that much of a hold on me? i was doing so well...and since i've been sick, i just can't seem to get that "i can do this" feeling back.

Foods eaten: banana, cottage cheese, chicken, green beans, yogurt, tilapia, green beans, cottage cheese, cashews.

Total caloric intake: 775

Exercise: office work, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2079

Current weight: 260


7:45am

"The most perfect technique is that which is not noticed at all." - Pablo Casals

9:06am

Ack, busy morning.

Looks like i might be sold on Gor. i'm not really sure how i feel right now...i'm not unhappy where i am, but i like the potential buyer as well. i don't feel like He's the type to intrude on my RT outside of Gor, which is something that sounds good right now.

All of this does make me miss Akodo, though. i told Him in an email this morning that i wanted the decision to be His - i knew it would be anyway, but i didn't really want to involve myself either. It's my belief that i chose to be a slave on Gor, and that was my last choice. Anything else is determined by my Owner. i also told Him that i didn't want to loose Him anymore than i already have...which i feel like i might if He does sell me.

Anyway.

The quote above was kind of appropo for my thoughts lately. We had a storm blow through here which knocked out power for a bit on Saturday, but it also took out our cable (and cable internet) since Saturday night. So, i turned off my computer during the day on Saturday and haven't looked at it since. It was kind of nice, but at one time i did find myself wondering if anyone would miss me...and that thought turned to wondering if anyone even notices me. Surprise surprise, i didn't get upset or depressed or whatever. (i know, right?) i actually hoped that no one did notice me...especially in Gor, because the people who are noticed tend to be icky-types that i don't even want to be put in the same category with. So, if no one does notice i was gone, i suppose that's a good thing...though, as a human, it is nice to be missed once in awhile. =)

And oh, man. i'm so pissed at fish's husband. She's been without power since noon on Saturday, and had to go to a hotel. Well, her husband was in another town with his ex-girlfriend (i think, they were supposed to have broken up, but he still goes over there, so whatever...). Fish tried to get him to help her yesterday, but he was such an ass about everything. It's a good thing i don't have his cell number, but i would have totally reamed him a new butthole. i HATE weak men, and that's exactly what he is. To me, he is the epitome of weak men, and weak men make me want to hurt something. It's just...sickening.

3:56pm

To those outside of the Gor world who might happen to read this, it might seem a little strange that i'm being bought and sold, or worried about intrusion into my RT life. Basically, Gor is a roleplay environment, but some people (like me) take it a bit more seriously than just roleplay. For me...it means that i don't separate myself from my "character" on Gor, except for the obvious legal points. i put a lot of myself into it, and sometimes i end up getting burned in the process. But, i can honestly say that i've learned so much about my slavery, and i've been able to incorporate the lessons i've learned to my RT.

On a lighter note, i was down to 260 this morning, which means that i've lost a total of 23 pounds in a little over a month. Which means that i am almost halfway to my year-long Birthday Resolution of 50 pounds. *victorydance* i might have to re-do that goal.

Brace yourself. i'm going to be maudlin.

i have a great ache inside me. i miss being owned. Have i ever truly been owned? Not truly. But...even though i don't know exactly what it is, i miss it.

And i wonder now, if i'm simply missing an idea that's planted in my head, or if it's something deeper and truly ingrained in me.

i miss the quiet confidence surrounding me and comforting me when i feel so chaotic.

i miss the silent strength that doesn't need to speak in order for me to know, with no doubt, the power that comes from it.

i miss the intense scrutiny, even though it makes me uncomfortable...because it shows me that every inch of me is hunted.

i miss being hunted, period. i miss sinking into my animal, trying to survive beneath a power much greater than me, fighting until their dominance is proven and surrendering gratefully.

i miss the control. i miss hands in my hair, a cock in my mouth, my body responding without thought. i miss being wanted with a brutal desire that leaves my lips swollen, my face red, streaked with tears, slathered with cum and slapped with bruises.

i miss the binding. All of it. Mental, physical, emotional. Tie my wrists, cuff my ankles, close my throat while thrusting inside me. Cage my body and let my soul free. Watch as i change behind the bars, becoming more animal than woman. Leash me, use heavy metal to weigh me down, and watch my face glow.

Is there anyone....anyone who can do this? i'm beginning to doubt.

6:42am

"sin and evil
are not to be got rid of
just blindly.
look at the astringent persimmons!
they turn into the sweet dried ones."

- Zen Commentary

i don't have any problem looking at my faults and learning from them. my problem comes when all i focus on is my faults, those astringent persimmons, without remembering the sweet dried ones. i think i've been doing better lately. Remember the sweet ones, frog!

i've been thinking about the past this morning, especially the last year. In regards to my slavery, i've grown tremendously - but i've also spent a lot of time being ugly. i'm ashamed at the ugliness, but i also know that i wouldn't have grown as much as i have without it. So in a way i can look back at it with gratitude, but it's bittersweet.

i do miss being so involved with my slavery. Right now, it almost seems like a completely separate entity, like the Oubliette girl really is a different person. i miss feeling connected, but i'm not sure i'm ready for it. When i was connected to it, i got overwhelmed, confused and did ugly things. i don't want to think about never being connected to it again, but i guess that is a possibility. Maybe i'm meant to live that part of me on the peripheral, existing but not really, never owned.

That makes my heart hurt.