into the becoming

Foods eaten: banana, yogurt, soup, 100 calorie snack pack, pretzels, tilapia stuffed with shrimp and herbs, cottage cheese, cashews

Total caloric intake: 875

Exercise: 30 mins on bike, 1 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2572

Current weight: 260

8:07am

"In studying the Way, realizing it is hard; once you have realized it, preserving it is hard. When you can preserve it, putting it into practice is hard." - Zen saying

Amen to that.

i had a good weekend...i think. It ended weird. fish came over, and we went to a Women's Health and Lifestyle Fair. Did you know that the key to women's health is jewelry? Apparently it is, from the amount of jewelry booths that were there. We also went to see "Black Snake Moan" which was really good. Got to hang out with my sister (Goon) a lot too, which was nice.

When fish left yesterday, she was upset...when i asked her what was wrong, she just said "I'm starving." So...i know she depends on me to feed her other side, and i felt bad. i felt horribly bad, and i just kind of spiraled into badness for the rest of the night. There were a few people online that...well, it's probably a good thing they didn't message me.

i just...i can't do sex lately. i can do it with myself, obviously, but...whenever Darrin or fish touches me in a potentially sexual way, i just freeze. i actually feel disgusted, and it's so overpowering that it shuts me down. i'm not disgusted by them...i'm disgusted that it's me they are touching. i get disgusted with the body that they are touching. It's like...i don't want them to dirty themselves.

8:33am

Food-wise, i did okay this weekend. At least, i don't feel discouraged about the mistakes i did make. i think that's important, and having the support system that i do have is helping me out a great deal.