into the becoming

Monday - 8:15am

"I know that I know nothing." - Socrates

That is pretty much how i feel today. Not a derogatory put-down of myself, just an acknowledgement that i'm not intheknow of everythingintheUniverse.

More things to think about today after last night. i don't like what i've been showing others...and though i think i've been better about than i have in the past, it's still -there- and still not pretty.

my past is just that - my past. Experience to learn from, but not to live in. i know i struggle with this, and i can only hope that i can show how i am learning from it, and moving on.

i did have a good weekend...went on a date with fish on Friday night, and she spent the night. The best part of that (besides going to see "300" and drooling over manly Spartans for 2 hours...hominahomina...) was on Saturday morning, fish crawled into bed with Darrin and i. The three of us snuggled up in bed with me in the middle, and it was just...really nice.

The tension is also much better between Darrin and i. We had a little talk on Saturday about the "status" of things - he said that he felt like i was much calmer, much happier than he's seen me in a long time. i told him that i'd been caught up in a lot of things online that i didn't need to be, and that those things have gone away now - either by my doing, or by their own. i told him that i feel like i have much better things to concentrate on now, and that it feels like i'm taking steps to not let that part of me rule my life anymore.

Tuesday - 7:03am

i had a good night last night. =) i had a surprisingly different thought process about something, and it felt really good. Instead of torturing myself (which i'm so good at), i just...waited with a smile. Yay me.

This week i should hit 30 pounds lost. i'm at 256, and 253 will be 30 pounds. i really can't believe it...there are times when i can physically feel it, and i know that i definitely feel better all around. my clothes are definitely fitting better, and people are starting to say nice things about it. Both fish and Darrin have said that i'm much different than i was before. i know that i can tell a difference when i eat heavier things...i -feel- heavier, and fish said that i have more personality now. She said that i used to be sluggish, and kind of monotone, which i can definitely see.

1:37pm

i want a donut so bad. =( i actually got up to get one, but someone came in at that same time. So now, i'm eating carrots like they're going out of style. GRRR. i was thinking to myself, why can't i just stop wanting the stuff that's bad for me? And i realized that there are probably a lot of people who feel the same way, with other kinds of addictions. i'm not addicted by a long shot, but the temptation is definitely there. So far, i am strong.

Just don't tell anyone i had Chinese food for dinner last night. O.o

i ordered two books about emotional eating, as a reward to myself.

Does that seem weird?