into the becoming

Foods eaten: Special K Bar, banana, soup, cottage cheese, yogurt, cashews, grilled chicken strips, green beans, and 100 calorie pack

Total caloric intake: 795

Exercise: 1/2 mile walk, office work

Calories burned: 2234

Current weight: 262


6:28am - Thursday

"Only one who makes no attempt to possess it cannot lose it." - Lao-Tsu

Hm. That brings up a lot of questions...

Does possession automatically mean loss? i suppose in a way it does. Everything goes away in the end, really - through changes inherant to nature or death.

i'm thinking about how this relates to slavery...cause...well, that's what i do.

One will never loose a slave They do not possess. Well, okay - that's easy enough to understand. But on the other side...i definitely know the sense of loss related to slavery, so does that mean that i have possessed something? i haven't possessed someONE, that's for sure...but i guess no matter what, slaves do possess basic human emotions. So the loss i felt was related to the emotions i had.

So...slaves cannot possess anything material, but what kind of slave would they be without emotions? What kind of slave would Someone master, if there were nothing there to master? Can emotions of a slave be possessed by another? That i'm not sure of...i know first hand the intensity of those feelings, and my body can be possessed. But my emotions? my first instinct is to say that i freely give my emotions, but i also believe that emotions can be trainable, and isn't that a form of possession in itself? If i do give over my emotions to someone else, how much is truly possessed?

7:03am - Monday

"Nothing will work unless you do." - Maya Angelou

Ain't that the damn truth.

i spent the weekend doing a whole lot of nothing, and eating a whole lot of everything. i didn't hurt as badly as i have been, mostly because i was able to lay down when it got painful. Last night though, i started to have this ache...it's kind of like a cross between cramps and being nauseous. Still have it this morning, so we'll see.

i got a little upset on Saturday, because fish told me she had sex with Ted. That's not the upsetting part - what was upsetting to me was the fact that i haven't had any in so long, and i kind of felt like...it's all because there's something wrong with me. Untouchable frog. Anyway.

9:45am

my moods are really going haywire with all this bleeding. Thursday i was so irritated i actually cried when i was trying to express my frustration to Darrin on the phone. i turned my phone off on Thursday night, and didn't turn it back on until yesterday. i didn't want to talk to anyone, look at anyone, HEAR anyone. i felt better on Friday, and then got all mauldin and crappy on Saturday. i started crying because Darrin wanted to go out with his friends, and i felt like i was so boring, i felt horrible that i wasn't more entertaining to him. Bleh.