7:05am

i made an effort to be pretty today.

i just deleted a few self-deprecating remarks - way to go me.

Anyway...i got my hair done on Friday, so i took time to "do" it this morning. i also put on a blouse i bought on Saturday while Darrin and i were out shopping. i got a steal - about 80 bucks worth of stuff for $46. i got two blouses, two tanktops, and a supercute pair of patent leather Mary Jane style high heels. i was a little more careful with my makeup, i even put on lipgloss. O.o

Yesterday my slave was aching. Something nudged it awake, and i spent most of the night lost in that world. i even found myself doing little things with Darrin - like when we sat down for supper, his plate was made first, and i waited until he said something before i started eating. It just came natural - and as i was waiting, i was wondering why i was doing it...and a voice in my head said "Because you want to, stupid!" So, yeah.

The things i dream about...are extreme. i know now that it's impossible to jump into those waters and not expect to drown. But maybe with all the little things, i can wade into those waters.

Later...

i totally resisted Chinese food for dinner. *flex*

6:33am

It's my life
And it's now or never
'Cause I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
- Bon Jovi "It's My Life"

Heard that song on the radio this morning, and it just seemed appropriate for the changes i've been making.

i'm feeling better, though i still feel a little fragile. i felt better after talking to Darrin yesterday morning, and i mentioned to him that it seemed so strange that i lived in that state for so long. i really don't want to be that person anymore.

i really need a vacation. i realized recently that i haven't taken time off for 2 years...since i started this job. i can feel it starting to get to me. Darrin and i are planning a little getaway, going to up the Wisconsin Dells. i'm excited, because we've never really gone on a vacation before.

i actually feel like i'm getting a deeper understanding of Darrin. It sort of makes me a little sad, because i feel like after almost 5 years, i should already know these things. But we've had a lot of conversations, and he's been able to really talk to me more, and i'm realizing that...well, that he's not as clueless as i thought. =/

6:36am

i'm not sure how i'm feeling yet today...sometimes i think i'm feeling better, but other times not. It was extremely hard to get out of bed this morning...

Happy Administrative Professionals Day to me - and anyone else out there.

6:54am

Everyday is so wonderful...
Then suddenly...it's hard to breathe...
- Christina Aquilera

With how good everything has been going, i'm almost ashamed to write this. i feel...not sad, not upset...just...dull. i want to curl up against something much stronger than me and hide. i know that nothing happened to cause this...it's just a cycle, i'm sure, and it will pass just as it came.

That's always been why this aspect of me is so frustrating. i have no reason to be like this. There's nothing i can blame this on except myself - no abuse in my childhood, no traumatic events, no drug use or anything. It's. All. Me. i had a therapist once tell me that i was the most clear-cut case of a true chemical imbalance that she'd ever seen. i said thanks. =/

It will go away...i'm not hopeless. i need to just...ride it out, and come out the other side. So i have a bad day...big deal. So i want to sleep for a few days...okay. i need to take care of myself and listen to my body, and if it gets to the point where it begins to become a problem, then i can start worrying. One bad day = no worry. 5 bad days = worry. Sleeping for a day = no worry. Sleeping for 5 days = worry.

So...pardon me while i burrow.

Later:

i'm struggling. Please, just let it go away. i don't want to be like this, i want to be how i was before.

7:03am

"The high note is not the only thing." - Placido Domingo

i had a good weekend. =) Friday Darrin and i went out to a nice lunch, and then shopping for my mom's birthday and for groceries. It was fun, and we talked more about how things are going between us. It's nice to have those lines of communication open again, and i'm really grateful that he's not holding a grudge or anything like that. It sounds incredibly sappy, but we both said we were the lucky ones...so we decided that he'll keep on showing me how he's lucky, and i'll keep showing him how i'm lucky, and we'll both feel better. *L* Silly, i know.

Saturday we celebrated my mom's birthday - i made her cry, which makes me the champion. *flex* Before anyone asks...my sister and i have a little unofficial contest to see who can make mom cry. Not bad tears, but good ones...like when nice things are said, or she gets something thoughtful or sweet. So, yay me.

Sunday i was cramping pretty badly, but Darrin and i spent most of the day outside doing yardwork. i know, right? i did yardwork! i even have blisters!

Today's quote struck me, because this weekend really was full of all the good little things that make up everything else besides the high note.

6:49am - Wednesday

To be yourself is all that you can do
- Audioslave "Be Yourself"

Yeah.

Y'know...it's been a long time since i've felt like myself. Such a long time that i forgot what me felt like. i lost touch, stopped calling or writing, and took myself off my own mailing list. As i think back, i believe it's been ever since that first panic attack, 9 and a half years ago.

It makes me wonder...have i been so far away from myself that the people i've met have met...someone not me? i mean...obviously they have, but will my relationships change as i become more and more myself?

Confession time...

i haven't been doing very well with the food issue. i haven't been gorging or anything, but i definitely could be doing better. Maybe i need to go back to recording everything i consume, and adding in the calories. i know that when i was doing that, i felt very conscious of what i would have to record, so maybe that will help. i've gained a few pounds - nothing serious, and i know that it's because i'll be getting my period this week, so i'm a weebloatedfrog. i need to begin making better decisions, and nothing is going to do that for me.



7:03am - Thursday

i think i did better yesterday with the food stuff. i lost a pound, so that's good. i'm going to start doing two things before i eat anything - first, drink water...and second, ask myself if i'm really hungry, or if i'm feeling something else that i think food will help (being lonely, being happy, being irritated, etc...). i'm going to try to introduce myself to my emotions and have a sit-down with them.

It's...i don't know, a little overwhelming to me how invasive the effect food has on me has become. i never noticed it before, but...i feel like my eyes have never really been open before, either. i connect comfort with food...celebration with food...grieving with food. i need to change my connection with food...need to realize that it's just fuel, nothing more. i need to find other ways to connect with feelings.

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
I'm flesh and blood to the bone
I'm not made of stone
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

I've got a right to be wrong
I've been held down too long
I've got to break free
So I can finally breathe
I've got a right to be wrong
Got to sing my own song
I might be singing out of key
But it sure feels good to me
Got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

You're entitled to your opinion
But it's really my decision
I can't turn back I'm on a mission
If you care don't you dare blur my vision
Let me be all that I can be
Don't smother me with negativity
Whatever's out there waiting for me
I'm going to faced it willingly

I've got a right to be wrong
My mistakes will make me strong
I'm stepping out into the great unknown
I'm feeling wings though I've never flown
I've got a mind of my own
Flesh and blood to the bone
See, I'm not made of stone
I've got a right to be wrong
So just leave me alone

- Joss Stone "Right To Be Wrong"

i heard this song this morning and i was struck at how well it fits me right now. i really do feel like i can finally breathe, like i've stripped off a heavy, oozy sludge from myself. Don't get me wrong - i know that the only person to blame for that ooze is myself. But...i'm really proud that i'm turning my life around, and i feel very good about the way things are going.

Okay...who's all wondering what kind of day i had?

Tsk...liar, liar...you wouldn't be here if you didn't care, silly...

Thanks for caring. i had a good day. =)

6:37am

i am moving forward. i am tired of being broken - there isn't much glory in exerting control over something that is kept broken. i feel nostalgic, but calm. i feel ready. i feel able to look at my past objectively, and remember the lessons from it, and not live in it. i feel ready to -not- be broken.

We were meant to live for so much more
Have we lost ourselves?
We were meant to live

- Switchfoot "Meant To Live"

i lost myself, but i'm finding me again - and i'm meant for so much more than what i've been in the past.

Thanks, jewels. =)

7:05am - Tuesday

You know...i really am grateful for everything that has happened. Every fear, every moment of walking on eggshells, every delirious pleasure, every state of confusion. i'm grateful for everything, because i feel like i've learned from them. i can't pick and choose what to be grateful for, because it's all helped me. i've learned what is healthy for me, what kinds of people i need to surround myself with, what kind of behaviors are detrimental to me. i have to remember (but not wallow in!) the bad things, so that i can adjust my aim and move in a better direction.

i really feel like i'm doing so much better. People have noticed when i talk to them that i just seem...well, brighter. i think that was the word used.

It's actually sort of interesting to me now...because i can see people falling back into negative behaviors. Not that i'm any kind of judge, but i can just recognize them now, and it gives me insight into those people.

Like Alanis says...i'm tired of being so masochistic. i'm tired of putting myself in such harmful experiences just because it's attention. i'm tired of putting my life aside for people that don't care about it, and use my loyalty as blackmail. i'm tired of hurting myself and beating myself up over and over and over again because i'm not a model of perfection. i'm tired of hiding behind my body. i'm tired of protecting my most inner being. i'm tired of being so selfish, and i'm tired of feeling guilty.

So i'm not gonna. i've got a good circle of people around me now, and i'm going to do everything in my power to give just as much as i'm receiving.

So if you're reading this, and you're smiling...i'm grateful for you.

Yep, even you.

8:26am - Wednesday

i forgot to pick up my prescription yesterday, and so i've been without happy pills for 2 days. i can definitely feel it today - i'm irritable and hermit-ish. i feel quite disgusted with myself, actually.

Later...

Not so disgusted with myself anymore...now i'm more disgusted with other people. All of a sudden, it's all blatantly clear just how...stupid i was for even involving myself with them.

How painfully honest can i be?

i've started reading a book called "The End Of Diets: Healing Emotional Hunger".

Hi. i'm an emotional eater.

i feel like...have you ever forced yourself to stand in front of the mirror, no matter how grossed out you felt, no matter how disgusted, no matter that you KNEW that if anyone was on the other side of the mirror, THEY'D be disgusted too?

Hi.

i'm pulling at my band-aids with agonizing slowness, revealing the pink, wounded flesh beneath. It's healing, but it's raw...and it hurts.

And it has everything to do with food...and the one thing i somehow can never bear to sit down with. my own emotions.

i relate food to comfort. Ice cream makes me happy. Macaroni and cheese soothes me. When i panic, i reach. When i cry, i reach. When i celebrate, i reach.

*takes a moment*

Why...can't i be alone with my emotions? Why do i have this...abusive relationship with myself?

Thank You - Alanis Morrissette

How about getting off of these antibiotics
How about stopping eating when I'm full up
How about them transparent dangling carrots
How about that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How about me not blaming you for everything
How about me enjoying the moment for once
How about how good it feels to finally forgive you
How about grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was
The moment I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it was
The moment I touched down

How about no longer being masochistic
How about remembering your divinity
How about unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How about not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you silence

7:49am

i hate Mondays. Everyone seems intent upon making my life crap the moment i walk in the door.

Bleh.

i finally got up this morning and did my exercise. Woot! This weekend i got to go out walking - on Friday with Darrin, and Saturday with fish. i think i might just drive over to the track in town after work and walk a couple laps before going home, too.

Things are continuing to get better at home, too. Not only with Darrin, but with fish too. i'm feeling really good - not really content because i want to keep moving forward, but happy with the direction things are going right now. i feel like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. =)

6:44am

i went home last night and had a really good talk with Darrin. i told him everything that had been going on, why i was in such a bad place for so long, and how that's all gone now. We talked about D/s stuff, about poly stuff, about general us stuff. What was so nice was that he was actually -talking- to me, he was just letting stuff come out instead of worrying over every single word. We talked for about an hour, and then we just layed down and snuggled for the rest of the night. It felt really good to get it all out, and good that he was really talking to me. i told him that we need to do that more often, because that really is our downfall. i asked him if he'd thought about breaking up with me during that period, and he said that there was one particular night that he was close to throwing me out of the house. Can't blame him, really...and i told him that i had told my parents i might have to move in, and that i applied for jobs in the Quad Cities. He didn't get upset with anything i said, he listened and responded, and i did the same.

It was just...really, really good.

i did tell him that i was considering my Gor experience, and he did say that he was glad about the steps that i've already taken as far as Gor goes, but that he wasn't sure that leaving was what i needed. i told him that during that bad time, i was actually flip-flopping rt and rp. i was projecting what i wanted rt into rp - having human emotions and drawing things into my life, and what i wanted in rp into rt - expecting Darrin to be this "Owner" and not able to understand why he couldn't accomplish it. It wasn't fair to anyone involved, and i think just recognizing that has helped me immensely.

Wednesday

6:54am

" 'To be or not to be' is not the question - because you can't have one without the other!" - Alan Watts

i relaxed last night and spent time with Darrin. i talked a bit with fish about stuff related to my writing yesterday, and things became a bit more clear.

my thought this morning is that...well, i allowed all this to happen. i made those choices. No one can force me to do anything - everything is my choice. And that's what hurts. Why have i put myself through such horrible things? Why have i allowed myself to be used, to be hurt by bad people, people who didn't care a single iota about me? Do i truly think so little of myself?

Not anymore. It's not going to be easy...already i can see a vague outline of what i need to do, and it's going to be really, really hard. Breaking habits built over 9 years. But i can't afford to live like this anymore. i can't afford to keep giving and giving and giving and getting nothing in return to replace that growing empty space. i can't be swayed by promises and poems, because lies can come in the prettiest packages.

i won't stop living...no, not hardly. What i need to do is re-evaluate what i give and who i give it to.

And now, i'm going to delete a few numbers from my cell. =)

12:36pm

Darrin called me this morning, and we talked for a little bit about something that was bothering him. Basically, it sounds like pretty much the same things i've been realizing. He wants to talk more tonight, but it shouldn't be too bad. Really, it has to do with my whole issue with Gor...in that i was trying to force something on him that couldn't happen. i hope that him and i can really talk, and continue to really talk to each other, because that really is our biggest problem. Sometimes i forget that he has the same emotions that i do.

6:49am

Lots of thoughts going through my head on the drive in to work this morning.

i'm beginning to realize, i think, that i - Jennifer - am not and won't ever be a Gorean slave. It just ain't gonna happen. i would love to be held in that state, but it's just an impossibility. i think i've clung so hard to Gor because i wanted that fantasy to be reality. And that's just...well, it's dumb. i'm a human, a female, and even though i am totally and completely service-driven, there is a very real and human part of me that needs to have basic human needs met. i can't completely lose my sense of self.

i began to think about my involvement with Gor as a relationship - and i wondered why i was staying. What am i getting out of it? It sucks to think that way, but that's the truth of it.

i'm putting a lot of effort in caring about what these people think...and i shouldn't. i really, really shouldn't. Most of these people don't even know my name, and if they do, there are only one or two of them that really care about me. Why am i exerting so much energy trying to please these people? i've learned a very hard lesson lately that people will say whatever they can to get what they want out of you. Why should i put myself in that position?

i don't know if i need to go to the extreme of actually leaving - but i definitely need to re-evaluate.

Stupidshittycrapaholicday.

i STAPLED my fucking FINGER.

--------------------

i got my emotional eating books today. It seems like i have a lot to work on. And now...i'm wondering what my need to be involved with Gor is. i'm not liking what i'm uncovering so far...but i guess that's the beauty of it, in order to change, recognition must be made.