Before you ask....yes, i'm eating.

No, i don't like it.

i opened up a new post, and now...i don't know what to say.

i feel like i need to punish myself. And it makes me sad...sad because i shouldn't punish myself...and sad because i'm the only one that can.

i feel like...god, this will open a can of worms, but hey, if you can't expose yourself on a blog, where can you?...i feel like i need to starve myself. i feel a great, gaping hole inside me, and i feel like every part of me should feel the same. Funny...you'd think that i would feel like eating everything in sight to try to fill that hole.

Okay...so, yeah. i fucking hate food. i hate paying attention to nutritional values, i hate adding up calories and fat grams in my head, i hate being so stupid with food that i have to be so AWARE of it, ALL THE GODDAMN TIME, and i hate that that new drug Alli comes with a warning to bring a change of pants because you might shit yourself.

Man....fuck you, food. Fuck you and the fucking horse you rode in on.

i keep asking myself why. WHY, frog, WHY are you so messed up with food? Why can't you look at it like it should be looked at - as fuel, not comfort. i keep beating my fucking BRAINS out trying to figure out why...

And maybe i'm not supposed to know why. Maybe i'm supposed to be messed up. i mean...maybe i'll never know the WHY, but i can know HOW to live with being messed up. And even if i do know the WHY...maybe that won't mean i can automatically fix it. Maybe i'll just have the WHY without a solution.

Someone...dear god, someone just beat me into a coma. Please.

Alright, so i splurged a little this weekend. i bought two pairs of pants and three shirts - things that i feel good in so that i'll be encouraged to continue.

i also went grocery shopping today and i think i did a pretty good job. i found these little 100 calorie packs of Keebler Grasshoppers, and they are fucking awesome. i also got Popsicles that are sugar-free and only have 15 calories, Turkey Sausage brats, Slow-Churned ice cream that only has 110 calories and fat free cream cheese with only 40 calories.

Y'know...as i was typing that, i realized that i'm starting to fucking hate food.

Don't you feel, sometimes, like you just keep talking about the same stuff, over and over again? And wonder, why do people keep listening to me?

So...fair warning. This will be about the same old stuff. i won't be offended if you skip it.

i want to be able to sit here and type so many things...i want to type that i'm really trying at my diet and being successful and oh-my-gosh-look-how-much-weight-i've-lost....but i can't. Well, i could...but i'd be a big fat liar. (har har)

i haven't gained any weight, which is good. i've started drinking way more water again, which is good. i do good during the day at work. But i'm the suck when i come home. i'm not exercising.

Really, i have to start looking at this a different way. i need to be conscious when i eat, and remember that i am attempting to nourish my body, not throw it fat cells to sit on. i need to remember that i am worth taking care of, even when i have the greatest excuse not to want to (so i think). i need to remember that no one else can do this for me - that even though support is good and would be greatly appreciated, there's not a damn soul on this planet that can force me to do this. i have to make up my mind and FINISH it. i had such a good start, and i can keep going - i have 30 more pounds to loose before December 22. i was feeling so good when i was taking care of myself, i felt good about how i was taking care of myself and i felt good about how i looked. i can keep going. i can.

Right?

*grunt* dammit.