into the becoming

6:49am - Wednesday

To be yourself is all that you can do
- Audioslave "Be Yourself"

Yeah.

Y'know...it's been a long time since i've felt like myself. Such a long time that i forgot what me felt like. i lost touch, stopped calling or writing, and took myself off my own mailing list. As i think back, i believe it's been ever since that first panic attack, 9 and a half years ago.

It makes me wonder...have i been so far away from myself that the people i've met have met...someone not me? i mean...obviously they have, but will my relationships change as i become more and more myself?

Confession time...

i haven't been doing very well with the food issue. i haven't been gorging or anything, but i definitely could be doing better. Maybe i need to go back to recording everything i consume, and adding in the calories. i know that when i was doing that, i felt very conscious of what i would have to record, so maybe that will help. i've gained a few pounds - nothing serious, and i know that it's because i'll be getting my period this week, so i'm a weebloatedfrog. i need to begin making better decisions, and nothing is going to do that for me.



7:03am - Thursday

i think i did better yesterday with the food stuff. i lost a pound, so that's good. i'm going to start doing two things before i eat anything - first, drink water...and second, ask myself if i'm really hungry, or if i'm feeling something else that i think food will help (being lonely, being happy, being irritated, etc...). i'm going to try to introduce myself to my emotions and have a sit-down with them.

It's...i don't know, a little overwhelming to me how invasive the effect food has on me has become. i never noticed it before, but...i feel like my eyes have never really been open before, either. i connect comfort with food...celebration with food...grieving with food. i need to change my connection with food...need to realize that it's just fuel, nothing more. i need to find other ways to connect with feelings.