into the becoming

6:54am

Everyday is so wonderful...
Then suddenly...it's hard to breathe...
- Christina Aquilera

With how good everything has been going, i'm almost ashamed to write this. i feel...not sad, not upset...just...dull. i want to curl up against something much stronger than me and hide. i know that nothing happened to cause this...it's just a cycle, i'm sure, and it will pass just as it came.

That's always been why this aspect of me is so frustrating. i have no reason to be like this. There's nothing i can blame this on except myself - no abuse in my childhood, no traumatic events, no drug use or anything. It's. All. Me. i had a therapist once tell me that i was the most clear-cut case of a true chemical imbalance that she'd ever seen. i said thanks. =/

It will go away...i'm not hopeless. i need to just...ride it out, and come out the other side. So i have a bad day...big deal. So i want to sleep for a few days...okay. i need to take care of myself and listen to my body, and if it gets to the point where it begins to become a problem, then i can start worrying. One bad day = no worry. 5 bad days = worry. Sleeping for a day = no worry. Sleeping for 5 days = worry.

So...pardon me while i burrow.

Later:

i'm struggling. Please, just let it go away. i don't want to be like this, i want to be how i was before.