Wednesday

6:54am

" 'To be or not to be' is not the question - because you can't have one without the other!" - Alan Watts

i relaxed last night and spent time with Darrin. i talked a bit with fish about stuff related to my writing yesterday, and things became a bit more clear.

my thought this morning is that...well, i allowed all this to happen. i made those choices. No one can force me to do anything - everything is my choice. And that's what hurts. Why have i put myself through such horrible things? Why have i allowed myself to be used, to be hurt by bad people, people who didn't care a single iota about me? Do i truly think so little of myself?

Not anymore. It's not going to be easy...already i can see a vague outline of what i need to do, and it's going to be really, really hard. Breaking habits built over 9 years. But i can't afford to live like this anymore. i can't afford to keep giving and giving and giving and getting nothing in return to replace that growing empty space. i can't be swayed by promises and poems, because lies can come in the prettiest packages.

i won't stop living...no, not hardly. What i need to do is re-evaluate what i give and who i give it to.

And now, i'm going to delete a few numbers from my cell. =)

12:36pm

Darrin called me this morning, and we talked for a little bit about something that was bothering him. Basically, it sounds like pretty much the same things i've been realizing. He wants to talk more tonight, but it shouldn't be too bad. Really, it has to do with my whole issue with Gor...in that i was trying to force something on him that couldn't happen. i hope that him and i can really talk, and continue to really talk to each other, because that really is our biggest problem. Sometimes i forget that he has the same emotions that i do.