into the becoming

6:44am

i went home last night and had a really good talk with Darrin. i told him everything that had been going on, why i was in such a bad place for so long, and how that's all gone now. We talked about D/s stuff, about poly stuff, about general us stuff. What was so nice was that he was actually -talking- to me, he was just letting stuff come out instead of worrying over every single word. We talked for about an hour, and then we just layed down and snuggled for the rest of the night. It felt really good to get it all out, and good that he was really talking to me. i told him that we need to do that more often, because that really is our downfall. i asked him if he'd thought about breaking up with me during that period, and he said that there was one particular night that he was close to throwing me out of the house. Can't blame him, really...and i told him that i had told my parents i might have to move in, and that i applied for jobs in the Quad Cities. He didn't get upset with anything i said, he listened and responded, and i did the same.

It was just...really, really good.

i did tell him that i was considering my Gor experience, and he did say that he was glad about the steps that i've already taken as far as Gor goes, but that he wasn't sure that leaving was what i needed. i told him that during that bad time, i was actually flip-flopping rt and rp. i was projecting what i wanted rt into rp - having human emotions and drawing things into my life, and what i wanted in rp into rt - expecting Darrin to be this "Owner" and not able to understand why he couldn't accomplish it. It wasn't fair to anyone involved, and i think just recognizing that has helped me immensely.