You know how you watch these shows on tv...i call them "fat nights on TLC" because they always seem to come one right after another...and although it might scare you (which it does, to the point that i'm not allowed to watch them anymore, period), it still seems like something so extreme, so not-you that a part of you is almost comforted by how different you are from those people?
i realized tonight that i'm no longer different from those people.
i could have my own fat show.
i realized it because...because i went into my local Walgreens to pick up my happy pills, and came out with a bag of Twizzler's Bits and an ice cream sandwich along with those happy pills. i told myself AS I WAS WALKING IN THE DOOR that i wasn't going to get anything else, though i was going to browse through the makeup to see if there were any goodies. i specifically mentioned to myself that i was NOT going to get an ice cream sandwich (which truly are the bane of my existance).
my feet took me there anyway. my hands grabbed at the display of bags of Twizzlers on sale, and snatched at the ice cream. i did it. i did it, i did it, i did it. And i wasn't even hungry!
i really didn't think about it until i was driving home, eating the ice cream sandwich...and i realized that i was hiding it from OTHER DRIVERS. i was dropping it into my lap at stop lights, or when other cars passed me.
i was so ashamed that i was hiding my food. Unconsciously.
i really don't know what to do now. i know that there are other habits i have that are like this and more, and i feel like...well, like someone with anorexia that hides food and pushes it around on their plate to make it look like they've eaten. i feel like someone with buliema that turns the water faucet on while they hurl. i feel like...a fat person that hides their binging.
i've read all these books that talk about ways to not do this...how to think about other things, or how to choose better "binge foods" (like carrots *WTF?!*)...and logically, i get it. i'm on board, i'm on that train, giddy-up. i buy things at the grocery store that hopefully will help me accomplish this, but things like today still happen.
i feel like i have to keep trying...but i don't even know what the next step is. i've been getting on my stationary bike, and i only do about 10-15 minutes before i stop. i was doing 30! At 4 o'clock in the morning!
i don't know how to stop.
Little Big Update
6 years ago
3 comments:
I'm sorry it's so rough for you right now, hon. I know it's scary feeling like you are out of control. Hang in there, don't give up on yourself, and if you need help, please make sure you get it. *hugs*
Sometimes we all need a little extra help, counseling or support groups or a hunky personal trainer...hmm, that's what you need, a hunky dominant personal trainer cracking the whip over you. *grins* Come to think of it, I could use that too...
-soft smile-
amina, just by you coming here and talking about it, shows me that you are a strong person. I know it's hard. I have had my bad habits that i was ashamed of, but, you know what i did. I just made myself stop them. Changes in my life made me want to make the changes. i wish i could say some magic words and instantly your troubles with food would vanish.
But, i do have faith in you.
When i see you, i see strength.
I've said this before to you, i see silent strength in you.
And it's a good thing.
Those steps are huge to take, but they are obtainable for you, sweetie. -smile-
-hugs you tight-
p.s.
A Hunky Dominant Personal Trainer sounds like a good idea to me!
I've seen them in the gym with other girls, they do exist! -heh-
Lol, carrots as a binge food is pretty silly.
OTOH...
I agree. You need a personal trainer to help you stay on course...and if need be give you a spank or two to help you along.
Everyone has bad days and bad times. I personally think it's good you recognize your problem and feel bad about it. If you didn't care I would be much more worried.
You're right about one thing; exercise is the key. Hang in there and don't give up. You know the problems and you have the solutions. The trick now is to find the strength to do what you know is best for yourself.
I believe in you; I know you can do it. And if not, maybe I'll come up there and give you little spank to spur you along... ;)
Hang in there, pretty girl. I, for one, haven't given up on you yet...
*Hugs*
I.B.
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