into the becoming

Tuesday - 1:33PM

i actually tried to do a little reading last night from "The End of Diets: Healing Emotional Hunger." i can't seem to just sit down and read it, it seems like i have to go in spurts because it makes me cry. How girly is that?

Anyway...there was a quote at the beginning of one of the chapters (not like i read that many) that said something along the lines of "The thing in your life that you deny the most holds the most power in your life." i'm not exactly sure of the exact wording, but it was something like that. And it's true...the thing that i am most afraid of at any given time is the reality for me.

For instance: when i was certain that i would never be the slave i dream to be, when the thought terrified me and kept me up at night that i would never realize this growing part of me - it was true. i wasn't being the slave i could be, certainly not the slave i am now (small part that it is). i was taking actions that drove people away from that side of me because of my fear. i guess a part of me felt like i was taking measures to protect what felt very fragile and vulnerable to me by forcing people away from it.

For instance x2: This one is a more subvert, and therefore more scary to me. Food holds great power in my life. i didn't realize this until very recently, and now i struggle with it more than i care to admit. Sounds dramatic, doesn't it? i wish i didn't struggle, but i do, and i need to acknowledge it before i can succeed against it. i never knew what i was doing with my relationship to food, and now, it's gotten me into a place i don't want to be. Yes, i'm 28 pounds away from that place, but i have a long, long way to go.

i could go on a diet and loose the weight. i know i could. But i need to change my behaviors, and that's what is scary. It's like...food is comfortable, you know? Why should i not be comfortable? But i also know that being comfortable isn't allowing me any growth...at least mentally speaking. =/


Wednesday - 9:35am

Last night as i was driving, i was hit rather suddenly with exhaustion. By the time i got home, i was definitely feeling it - Darrin said i was acting strange. This morning, i am in a funk i can't seem to get out of. Usually when i come to work, those feelings disappear because i can focus my mind on other things. But today...it's not working. i feel like i'm ready to burst into tears, while at the same time feeling oddly numb. i want to hide from every single person on the planet. i talked to Darrin earlier and he got so worried that i tried to play it down...but i don't think he bought it.

One shred of silver lining...i'm not hungry.


Monday - 3:30pm

Wednesday i ended up leaving work early, and i took a mental health day on Thursday. i felt better after that, and had a good weekend. Right now, i'm in the process of booking our vacation. =)