into the becoming

6:42am

"sin and evil
are not to be got rid of
just blindly.
look at the astringent persimmons!
they turn into the sweet dried ones."

- Zen Commentary

i don't have any problem looking at my faults and learning from them. my problem comes when all i focus on is my faults, those astringent persimmons, without remembering the sweet dried ones. i think i've been doing better lately. Remember the sweet ones, frog!

i've been thinking about the past this morning, especially the last year. In regards to my slavery, i've grown tremendously - but i've also spent a lot of time being ugly. i'm ashamed at the ugliness, but i also know that i wouldn't have grown as much as i have without it. So in a way i can look back at it with gratitude, but it's bittersweet.

i do miss being so involved with my slavery. Right now, it almost seems like a completely separate entity, like the Oubliette girl really is a different person. i miss feeling connected, but i'm not sure i'm ready for it. When i was connected to it, i got overwhelmed, confused and did ugly things. i don't want to think about never being connected to it again, but i guess that is a possibility. Maybe i'm meant to live that part of me on the peripheral, existing but not really, never owned.

That makes my heart hurt.