into the becoming

Foods eaten: 1 banana, 2 servings cottage cheese, 1 salad with dressing, 1 serving of olives, 1 tilapia filet, 1 serving cashews, 8oz fruit juice

Total caloric intake: 635

Exercise: Office work, 30 minutes on bike, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2477

Current weight: 265

7:07am

"What is beyond, is that which is also here." - Ancient Indian Aphorism

12:41pm

i got a message from lyric last night, telling me that i was inspiring her with my determination and such. That was nice to hear from someone else, i hope she got my message back saying so. When i think about it, though, i don't really feel so inspirational. i'm just...doing what i can, really. What i should have -been- doing, but wasn't ready to do. So...i feel a little like a late bloomer.

Someone asked me today if i was "indirectly taking shots" at people because of my comments about realizing who my real friends were. Just to clarify, i -wasn't- taking shots at anyone. As i explained to this person, i was trying to convey the new clarity that i am seeing things in along with the realization that i shouldn't waste my energy on people i have no relationship with - that i should cultivate and nurture the friendships i do have by being an active participant in them, instead of a passive participant.

4:22pm

Craving a lot of different things today, but so far i'm holding fast. Why am i so hung up on pancakes? And do you KNOW what i would do for macaroni and cheese?

Y'know...it feels really stupid to be so focused on something like food. Food has such a negative connotation with it - even now, when i'm eating better than ever before, i can still feel people looking at me, looking at my fatness, and wondering to themselves "why can't she control herself?" For fat people, everything is different. Even if someone is trying to do the right thing, the moment a fat person has any kind of food in their hand, people immediately get disgusted.

i know the cravings will go away. i know i'll get to a point where i will be able to eat more than i do now, as far as variety goes. But until i learn those habits and they become automatic to me, i can't risk it.

How sad it is to think of how much food has ruled my life.

i've noticed that my mood has taken a little drop lately - not surprising, since i just came off my period. Hormones and all. i'm not feeling upset or depressed, just kind of quiet. The good feeling is still there, just dulled a little.