into the becoming

Foods eaten: 1 banana, 1 pear, 3 "mini" pickles, 1 salad with sunflower seeds and dressing, cashew nuts and 1/2 a chicken breast.

Total caloric intake: 630

Exercise: Office work, 30 minutes on bike, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2481

Current weight: 265

6:48am

It started snowing as i was driving into work. It was pretty...if a grossdirtynasty factory can be pretty. =p It's kind of hard to feel beautiful and graceful when you are waddling along the 1/2 mile walk from your car to the office, picking your way along a yellow painted line mostly covered by ice like the lemming you should be, wearing a sweatshirt, a thermal hoodie, one hood pulled up under your hardhat, the other pulled up over your hardhat, a winter coat that has the consistancy of marshmellows, and steel-toed boots.

i am sexay. =/ Frog-a-licious, even.

i was talking to someone last night about people only accepting parts of you. That person's situation just...makes me angry to no end, because they shouldn't have to deal with it at all, but that's a different story. Anyway, as we were talking, i realized that my situation really isn't much different than this person's - it's just on a much smaller scale. Even though i have people that care about me and love me, no one has really fully accepted the entire me. Mostly, it's the part of me that needs to submit, the part that aches to be owned. Which is disturbing, because more and more, i'm feeling like that part is growing to encompass more of me.

i think that there are people in my life who have acknowledged that part of me...but beyond an occasional "oh yeah, that's there too" moment, it's pretty much looked over. i think that's why i cling so badly to people who even look at the slave inside me - she's so starved.

i'm still at 265, which is beginning to bother me a little. Have i plateaued already? It could just be the dregs of my period, i know...maybe this is when i bloat and retain water. my first instinct is to eat less, but i know that's bad...i've already limited my caloric intake so much that anything more would make my body go into starvation mode, and i really really don't want that. Maybe this means my body is ready for more exercise...i don't know.