into the becoming

6:36am

"Infinitely more important that the answers are the questions, the choice of them, the inner form of them." - Oswald Spengler

Well, Oswald is definitely right there. i know that i ask myself a lot of questions, and sometimes i don't get answers but just asking the questions themselves sometimes makes me feel better. Sometimes the most important thing is just being aware, not having the answers. i know i feel like i'm definitely more aware now...

i weighed in at 263 again this morning. i really want to be able to workout again, but at the moment that's kind of impossible...the one space i had to workout in is being taking up by a sofabed, because fish is staying over. Maybe i can do it at nights instead...all i know is, it feels really strange to want to exercise.

9:06am

Feeling kind of mopey today. i did just find out that fish has power now, so i'll have my workout space back. i'm sure this mopeyness is because of my period - it's all out of whack because of the antibiotics i was taking. Meh.

9:58am

Ohholygeez, i'm so hungry. DAMMIT. i feel like i could eat everything in sight. Someone just gave me a bite-size Snicker to shut me up. =(

1:40pm

Okay. i'm doing okay...i had some soup and yogurt for lunch. i'm really craving something like cake. i still feel like i could eat the entire world - maybe a delayed PMS reaction? ARGH.

3:40pm

i broke down and had a Snickers bar. i feel so completely disgusting, even though i'm sure i've eaten worse than that lately. This is worrisome to me (honestly, is there anything that ISN'T worrisome to me?) because i don't want to become obsessive about this - i just want to change my behaviors and be healthier. i guess i should take some comfort in the fact that i AM upset about the Snickers bar (man, does that sound pathetic...), because it means that my behavior has changed from complacency to awareness. But still.

You know...i've been watching shows lately about fat people. And granted, i'm big but i'm not grotesque...i know this. But when i watch those shows, i can really understand those people. Food as an addiction, obsessing about calories burned and taken in, not thinking about what you are eating...it's all inside me.

Is it true? Am i an addict? God, just typing that out made me shudder. Did something so commonplace as food really have that much of a hold on me? i was doing so well...and since i've been sick, i just can't seem to get that "i can do this" feeling back.