into the becoming

Foods eaten: banana, yogurt, cottage cheese, soup, popcorn, tilapia filet, green beans, "mini" pickles, cashews

Total caloric intake: 720

Exercise: office work, 30 mins on bike, 1 mile walk

Calories burned: 2582

Current weight: 261

8:27am

Sometimes, i think everything would just be easier if i was a lesbian.

In fact, i'm pretty sure of it.

Damn my need for powerful Men. Dammitalltohell.

i had very strange dreams last night...mostly i remember bugs. A lot of tiny little bugs crawling all over me. Bleh.

Okay...i had a bad weekend. i felt kind of sad, i ate a lot...but i feel okay today. i've realized that when i have a regular schedule, like the work days, it's much easier for me to follow my routine. i get up at 4am, do my workout, go in to work, come home, and i eat better.

Darrin and i had another little "talk" this weekend - mostly because i snapped at him on Saturday. He was trying to "pounce" on me (i can't fucking stand that word anymore), and i just said "Stop, i don't want to." He took it better than he could have, i guess...i just...i don't know, i can't bear it. i don't know if it's that i'm no longer attracted to him, or if i feel so unattractive that i don't believe he really wants me. Right now, i don't feel like i believe him...i told him that when he springs something like that on me, after him being so distant for so long, i have no clue how to deal with it. He says that he was distant because he was giving me space. i believe he was distant because it was easier for him, and i told him that. He said that wasn't the case, but...that's been the case in the past, and i haven't seen any change.

Meh.

i wonder...if someone reading this, who has a husband, or a significant other...if that person couldn't acknowledge -all- of you...or was unable to provide for all of you, in some way...would it be worth it to stay?

3:12pm

Okay, i am awesome. i just went to the root of all evil...the vending machine. i will confess that i went with every intent of landing a Snickers bar in my hot little hand.

i walked away with a 100 calorie bag of popcorn.

*victorydance*