into the becoming

Foods eaten: 1 banana, 2 1/2 cup serving cottage cheese, 1 salad with dressing and 1 hardboiled egg, 1 Tilapia filet and 1/4 of cashews.

Total caloric intake: 815

Exercise: 30 minutes on bike, officework, 1 mile walk

Calories burned: 2636

Current weight: 267

6:45am

i had a really great phone conversation last night. Surprising, right? Since i become a mute when i'm on the phone for some reason and all..*L* But last night i was jabbering away. We talked about a lot of things, including the stuff that's been going on with me. i am a moderator for a community that He set up, and we talked more about the goal of the community and everything. He said a lot of things that made complete and utter sense to me. At one time, we happened to be talking about BDSM groups, and He was explaining that they were like a necessary evil to Him - good that the awareness is out there, but bad because BDSM has become so...politized. i agreed, because i saw it in the group i was in. BDSM has become so entrenched in rules and policies and "the right way to do things" and safewords and "SSC" and "RASK". As openminded as "lifestylers" are, they recoil from things that are seen as extreme - even the M/s philosophy itself. He then commented that so much of BDSM seems like a rehearsed play - everything revolving around specific movements and words and "scenes", people having to almost get into an acting role. i've seen this, even with fish's husband. We used to call him "SuperDom" because when he would go to the play parties, he would puff up and be mean just to be mean, clearly protecting a fragile ego. Being a Dominant Man isn't about saying the right words or how well you flog someone, it's about the self-assurance, confidence and strength. What -really- disappointed me was watching the people that would follow him around like he was all special, when really...he was just being a petulant child.

While we were talking about what it takes to be a Dominant Man, He said something else that struck me - He said He didn't "fetishize the fetish". He doesn't build a shrine to His toys, He doesn't make a big production of what He does, He doesn't place importance on the tools that isn't really there - His example was that collars and leashes are means to control a person, period.

i know what you're thinking - don't get excited, frog, you tend to read too much into things. *chuckles* Surprisingly enough, i'm not getting all flingy about Him. It was just really, really nice to be able to really talk to someone about things that are important to me, to have a conversation that was interactive and that i was -able- to be interactive in. It's always nice to have the things you believe in verbalized back to you by someone else.

10:50am

Akodo told me this morning that i shouldn't stay away from Him, because He liked talking to me. =) i haven't really been avoiding Him, i just am sort of feeling out the boundaries and erring on the side of caution. After this last snafu, i don't really want to fuck up again.

During the phone call last night, we were talking about my weight loss, and i realized that i'm being successful at it because i finally changed my mind. i needed to open my eyes to my relationship with food and exercise, and once i did, it was like i saw everything else in my life that needed a positive change. That's why it's all happening at once...which helps me understand it, and also makes me feel a little proud that i was finally ready to work on those things.

2:03pm

Does it seem like all i do is write things for my blog while i'm at work? i swear i'm working.

i went out for lunch with my awesome boss (the first thing she said to me when i walked in was "Let's get you a raise!" *L* Uh, okay!), and we were talking about the whole weight loss thing, and i realized that i really do -feel- so much better. Is it possible that the food i was eating bogged me down that much? Could the food i was eating have contributed to my depression? Man, that's a scary thought. i have much more energy, i've been in a good mood for the past WEEK, which is astounding in and of itself really.

i still want pancakes, though. When fish and i were out shopping this past weekend, we were at Bath & Body Works and found lip gloss that was pancake-flavored, ishityounot. i almost died. i would have bought 5 of them, but they were $6.00 each and i couldn't do it. Pancake flavored lip gloss!! WTF?!