into the becoming

Foods eaten: 1 Chicken Cesaer wrap, 1 tilapia filet

Total caloric intake: 746

Exercise: Major housecleaning, shopping

Calories burned: 1345

Current weight: 265

i found some new tea today at the grocery store that is so yummy. Did some major housecleaning and simultaneously vowed to do more during the week. *oy*

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i do not want to become lax. That is what i am afraid of at this point, slowly letting my old habits in so that i return to exactly what i was.

So, frog, here's a reminder...from me to you, of exactly what you accomplish every single day.

- Every day you live. The biggest, the most simple and yet most profound accomplishment. Remember when you didn't want to live? Look at those scars on your wrists and remember. Take pride in how far you've come, and be humble to know there is always more to go.

- Every day you get out of bed. Okay, weekends don't count. But when it matters, you -do- get out of bed. Seems like such a silly struggle, doesn't it? But i know you remember when you couldn't get out of bed. When you thought that the world outside your bed would somehow know that you were badwrong, and had to hide that from that world.

- Every day you go to work. What was your nickname during college? Oh yes - the Class Bandit. you go to work when you're tired, when you're sick, when you're crying and when you feel so messed up you can barely function. But you get there.

- Every day you are following your diet plan. It's hard frog, i know. Believe me, i know. The one thing that has always comforted you is now limited. Every day you test yourself, and every day you don't give in is one more success. What is automatic to every single other person is now recognized, analyzed, and seen for what it truly is.

- Every day you are finding out more about yourself. This is the hardest one, i know. Part of you doesn't want to find out more - because you're still so scared that there's something so terribly unlovable about you. But still you continue, opening doorways that need to be open...closing others that need to be closed. It's so easy to fall into old habits, but every day is one step closer to adapting those habits into good ones.

Lots of thoughts coming after writing that. i wish i didn't have to be so strong, because i don't think i am. i wish i didn't have to separate myself from people i care about in order to have any kind of relationship with them at all. i wish...god i wish i wasn't the person telling myself these things.

Will i ever be good enough?