into the becoming

6:51am

Yesterday wasn't the greatest day of my life. It wasn't the worst, but...i've had better. Usually on Wednesdays i'm supposed to get paychecks for my 124 children. Usually the FedEx guy comes to my office between 10:30 and 11:30am...so when i didn't have them by 2pm, i started worrying. By the time i got an answer from my corporate payroll office, it was 4pm, and apparently...the paychecks had been onsite since 11:00am. i think there must have been a substitute driver or something, because they delivered it to the Plant Receiving office instead of my office, and i wasn't notified of anyone signing for them.

i was pissed. The site manager was a bit taken back that i even knew words like that. =/

So i came home irritated...i did the dishes to kind of work off some of that irritation, which helped...but i was still feeling bleh.

i realized that i was feeling really defeated. i haven't been doing well on my "diet" (god i hate that word) - i'm not gaining weight, but i'm not loosing either. i haven't done any exercise at all, when i have a stationary bike i could easily get on while watching tv or whatever. i've gotten off track of my choices with food - last night i had macaroni and cheese for dinner because it was comforting. Blah blah blah, you get the idea - i suck.

i need help. i'm going to ask Darrin to help me do some exercise every day, at least on the bike everyday. Even though i do really well with food during the day at work, i packed a slightly better lunch today, just to give me a little boost. Last week at the grocery store, i decided to get the little packets of Crystal Light-type stuff instead of getting bottles of flavored water - less trash and all, because i can refill water bottles here in the office. So i've been drinking 5-6 16oz bottles of water every day, which is good.

i need to start being conscious while i'm eating. i've realized that i can just zone out and go through the motions, eventually ending up eating way more than i was even hungry for. i need to be THERE when i eat, because obviously, something's not working. It's not in my nature to be focused on eating - which seems weird, right? But really...when i eat, i just fade out...letting myself be comforted by the motions of eating. i don't really pay attention when i eat, but i should.

Why do i do that? God, haven't i gone through all this already? Haven't i figured out that i'm an emotional eater and all that phychological hoo-ha? Why am i still struggling - is it really this hard?

i know it is...i know i'm just whining. It makes me angry that i'm still doing this to my body after going through all the stuff i've already realized.