6:51am

Yesterday wasn't the greatest day of my life. It wasn't the worst, but...i've had better. Usually on Wednesdays i'm supposed to get paychecks for my 124 children. Usually the FedEx guy comes to my office between 10:30 and 11:30am...so when i didn't have them by 2pm, i started worrying. By the time i got an answer from my corporate payroll office, it was 4pm, and apparently...the paychecks had been onsite since 11:00am. i think there must have been a substitute driver or something, because they delivered it to the Plant Receiving office instead of my office, and i wasn't notified of anyone signing for them.

i was pissed. The site manager was a bit taken back that i even knew words like that. =/

So i came home irritated...i did the dishes to kind of work off some of that irritation, which helped...but i was still feeling bleh.

i realized that i was feeling really defeated. i haven't been doing well on my "diet" (god i hate that word) - i'm not gaining weight, but i'm not loosing either. i haven't done any exercise at all, when i have a stationary bike i could easily get on while watching tv or whatever. i've gotten off track of my choices with food - last night i had macaroni and cheese for dinner because it was comforting. Blah blah blah, you get the idea - i suck.

i need help. i'm going to ask Darrin to help me do some exercise every day, at least on the bike everyday. Even though i do really well with food during the day at work, i packed a slightly better lunch today, just to give me a little boost. Last week at the grocery store, i decided to get the little packets of Crystal Light-type stuff instead of getting bottles of flavored water - less trash and all, because i can refill water bottles here in the office. So i've been drinking 5-6 16oz bottles of water every day, which is good.

i need to start being conscious while i'm eating. i've realized that i can just zone out and go through the motions, eventually ending up eating way more than i was even hungry for. i need to be THERE when i eat, because obviously, something's not working. It's not in my nature to be focused on eating - which seems weird, right? But really...when i eat, i just fade out...letting myself be comforted by the motions of eating. i don't really pay attention when i eat, but i should.

Why do i do that? God, haven't i gone through all this already? Haven't i figured out that i'm an emotional eater and all that phychological hoo-ha? Why am i still struggling - is it really this hard?

i know it is...i know i'm just whining. It makes me angry that i'm still doing this to my body after going through all the stuff i've already realized.

So here's an example of how dirtynastygross the place is that i work in.

Today, a little after lunch time, a couple guys came in and set a small box on my desk and grinned at me. Immediately i was wary, not only because of the grin, but because the box had DANGER written on it.

Not very subtle, my boys.

"What is that?" i asked with great trepidation.

"It's our mascot!" they replied with great glee, and open the box with a flourish.

Inside...are not one...but TWO...baby rats.

*facepalm*

-----------------------------

Later....

i'm finding myself getting irritated very easily lately. i'll be just fine, and all of a sudden, i'm just fed up and ready to shitcan the whole world. i've been careful about taking my medicine, so i can only imagine that it's PMS. Fantastic. It's been very hard not to snap. =(

Okay, so i kind of realized that i haven't been talking much about the stuff my little blurb talks about. Soooooooooo.....

slavery - *stares*

Actually, i feel okay with where i am now. In Gor, i'm blissful. At home, i'm just kind of doing what comes naturally, and not really over-thinking things. frog not thinking seems to be doing the trick. *snicker*

weightloss -

i've done really well this week food-wise, except that i downed a whole chinese dinner bymyfreakingself tonight. But, ees o-tay - i'm not discouraged, and i shall overcome. Just need to get my fatass moving.

Sex anyone?

polyamory - Okay, we're all aware that frog has a boyfriend and a wife. Yes? Good. i wish i could hand over some freak-ish drama, but...things are pretty stable right now. fish (the wife) is going through some personal issues which i am totally supportive of, and we see each other about every other week. i see Darrin all the damn time. *L*

and general hot-cha-cha - gheezus, i don't even know what that means. Was that me trying to be cool? Oy. Frog, shut up. You suck.

Little Wonders - Rob Thomas

let it go,
let it roll right off your shoulder
don’t you know
the hardest part is over
let it in,
let your clarity define you
in the end
we will only just remember how it feels

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

let it slide,
let your troubles fall behind you
let it shine
until you feel it all around you
and i don’t mind
if it’s me you need to turn to
we’ll get by,
it’s the heart that really matters in the end

our lives are made
in these small hours
these little wonders,
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away,
but these small hours,
these small hours still remain

all of my regret
will wash away some how
but i can not forget
the way i feel right now

in these small hours
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away but these small hours
these small hours, still remain,
still remain
these little wonders
these twists & turns of fate
time falls away
but these small hours
these little wonders still remain