There have been no clandestine ice cream sandwiches.

Beginning on Monday, i started back on the bike. i did 20 minutes Monday and Tuesday, and today i did 25...which made me feel good. i've been doing good at work, and not bad at home. i still feel cravings, but i'm being very, very careful at evaluating my "wants" vs. my "needs". Do i -really- need that...or am i just feeling old habits?

i'm trying to slim down a little for my business trip in two weeks - my first ever. i bought really nice, professional outfits to wear, and i just want to make a good impression. i know i shouldn't, but i'll feel more comfortable if i'm comfortable in my own skin.

How sad that i'm not. How more sad that i'm STILL not.

Where are those damn bootstraps........?

You know how you watch these shows on tv...i call them "fat nights on TLC" because they always seem to come one right after another...and although it might scare you (which it does, to the point that i'm not allowed to watch them anymore, period), it still seems like something so extreme, so not-you that a part of you is almost comforted by how different you are from those people?

i realized tonight that i'm no longer different from those people.

i could have my own fat show.

i realized it because...because i went into my local Walgreens to pick up my happy pills, and came out with a bag of Twizzler's Bits and an ice cream sandwich along with those happy pills. i told myself AS I WAS WALKING IN THE DOOR that i wasn't going to get anything else, though i was going to browse through the makeup to see if there were any goodies. i specifically mentioned to myself that i was NOT going to get an ice cream sandwich (which truly are the bane of my existance).

my feet took me there anyway. my hands grabbed at the display of bags of Twizzlers on sale, and snatched at the ice cream. i did it. i did it, i did it, i did it. And i wasn't even hungry!

i really didn't think about it until i was driving home, eating the ice cream sandwich...and i realized that i was hiding it from OTHER DRIVERS. i was dropping it into my lap at stop lights, or when other cars passed me.

i was so ashamed that i was hiding my food. Unconsciously.

i really don't know what to do now. i know that there are other habits i have that are like this and more, and i feel like...well, like someone with anorexia that hides food and pushes it around on their plate to make it look like they've eaten. i feel like someone with buliema that turns the water faucet on while they hurl. i feel like...a fat person that hides their binging.

i've read all these books that talk about ways to not do this...how to think about other things, or how to choose better "binge foods" (like carrots *WTF?!*)...and logically, i get it. i'm on board, i'm on that train, giddy-up. i buy things at the grocery store that hopefully will help me accomplish this, but things like today still happen.

i feel like i have to keep trying...but i don't even know what the next step is. i've been getting on my stationary bike, and i only do about 10-15 minutes before i stop. i was doing 30! At 4 o'clock in the morning!

i don't know how to stop.