i have a whozit in my whatnow?

i was sick. Remember? All the spewing and such? Yes, well - once that was all concluded, i began having chest pains and wheezing. Yes, yes, the frog was a good girl and trotted her happyass to the doctor, who concluded after a chest x-ray that the frog has a hiatal hernia. Whee. Technically not a huge deal, so i'm not really freaking out about it. The only issue is the fact that it showed up on a chest x-ray, which apparently doesn't happen very often, and apparently means that it's BIG, which apparently means i'll have to have surgery. The wheezing is happening because i've aspirated stomach acid into my lungs. Yippee!

So, for the past week or two, my innards have been all kinds of messed up. i'm even having trouble eating - look in past entries if you aren't surprised by that. It took me almost an hour and a half to eat an apple this morning. It's a very odd sensation to have food sitting in front of me, and not want to eat it. Not even feel obligated to eat it.

So, there is my silver lining. Maybe after all this hernia balony is done, i'll remember this feeling and be able to push back from the table, so to speak.

i've always been the type of person to think of others before myself. As i was driving to work BEFORE the ass-crack of dawn this morning, i pondered about things that i want. Would i be able to make a list? Could i come up with things?

Here's my try. i'm going to try really hard not to censor myself.

i want:

- to pay off all my debt (which isn't really that much, but still.)
- to be thinner.
- to have people want me. *gets distracted and sings*
- to make people feel good.
- to be on my knees.
- to be hurt.
- to be marked.
- to be bruised.
- the new BDB book to come out.
- to be truly talented at something.
- to live in the woods.
- to be truly seen.
- ice cream.
- to go outside and dance naked in the rain.
- to sleep.
- to travel. Anywhere that isn't Illinois. Or Iowa. Or Wisconsin, ferpetessake.
- to have willpower when it comes to food and exercise.
- to not have to depend on drugs to function.
- to loose weight.
- to not be 267 pounds anymore.
- to be pretty.
- to be confident.
- tomorrow's doctor appointment to be nothing special.
- to have the courage, stamina, and general worthiness to make it down to 180 pounds.
- to stop beating myself up and let someone else do it. =)
- to pet my cats.
- to curl up in my bed with my stuffed frog.
- new clothes.
- a Diet Pepsi Lime.