Foods eaten: 1 banana, 1 1/2 cup serving cottage cheese, 1 turkey cutlet, 1 1/2 serving green beans, 1 salad with dressing, 1 chicken breast.

Total caloric intake: 530

Exercise: 30 minutes on bike, officework, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2498

Current weight: 267



6:49am

PMS begins. *ack* i had so many cravings last night. Right now all i want are pancakes. And macaroni and cheese. *stomp* Stoopid female crap.

Otherwise this morning, i'm feeling pretty good. i stayed off the computer last night and watched American Idol and House, and went to bed early. i also sent Nate a congratulations card because he's doing really well in his classes, and i know it's nice to get a boost once in awhile.

11:51am

i've been thinking about lyric - wondering if she'll get in touch with me. i know that she feels that she has a lot of reasons to be upset with me, but if she'd just talk to me, maybe i could help her understand. i also know she's got a lot of other stuff going on right now, so i'm just...being patient. i wonder how often we'll talk now that Gor isn't involved...guess we'll see.

4:24PM

Something is going on over at the Oil House. They just evacuated all of our guys from there (which, i have to say i'm really proud of the way the supervisors handled it with only radios to communicate with) - i haven't heard what yet. That just scares me. If the Oil House goes boom, the office i'm in sits too close - with the amount of hexane that's in the Oil House, i'll be blown to smithereens.

What am i doing here again?

Beyond that...one thing that i've noticed lately is that whenever i think i'm hungry, i pause and ask myself if i'm -really- hungry. i never realized how often i ate when i was just bored. Lawls does that make me feel gross. i can just picture myself staring dumbly at nothing, shovelling food in my mouth. *shudders* Jesus. i seriously can't believe how much i've changed in such a short amount of time. i guess all it takes is a wake-up call...except that i had about 5 wake-up calls at once. If i stop to think about it, i'm amazed that i'm keeping up without freaking right the fuck out. i must be ready for it, otherwise i'd be panicking hardcore.

Foods eaten: 1 pear, 2 1/2 cup servings of cottage cheese, 3 "mini" pickles, a salad with olives and dressing, 1 turkey cutlet.

Total caloric intake: 655

Exercise: 30 minutes on bike, officework, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2462

Current weight: 267

6:53am

"Knowledge comes but wisdom lingers." - Alfred, Lord Tennyson

How appropo.

As i went through the day yesterday, i began to feel more calm. i couldn't really put a finger on it, until i started talking to Akodo later on.

i realized that even though i still -feel- the same as i described, it ain't helping. It's only creating bad things, not just for me, but for people i care about. If i want good things to happen, then i need to create good things, and that includes creating good things for people i care about.

i feel like i've finally done the separation i needed.

Akodo voiced some...disbelief over what i was saying. Who can blame Him? i'm running from one extreme to another. i guess though, if you think about it, i'm really not...i'm just dealing with the same feelings differently. i asked Him for time to prove that i mean what i say - i can't make Him believe me just with words because my words have been all over the damn place lately. i have to prove it by consistant actions.

i don't know why it's different now. Maybe i'm just ready to deal with it.

Amazingly enough, i also feel like spending more time with Darrin...even though i know it won't lead to anything M/s related at all. It's not an overpowering feeling, just...i don't know. i guess i'm trying to find the joys in my life as it is.

The ache is still there...oh, i don't know if it'll ever go away. Since all this started a week ago, the ache has been slowing shifting in focus, away from Akodo. Now, it almost seems sharper...more acute because there's no focus.

Still haven't made up my mind about Gor. Maybe i'll be smarter now. i dunno.

Foods eaten: 1 banana, one salad with Italian dressing and sunflower seeds, one serving of cashews, 1 serving of cereal with milk, two pieces of toast.

Total caloric intake: 785

Exercise: 30 minutes on stationary bike, officework, 1/2 mile walk

Calories burned: 2329

Current weight: 268

7:04am

i bought a desk calendar of Zen quotes over the weekend. Here are a few from the days i've already torn away:

"The mystery of life is not a problem to be solved, but a reality to be experienced." - Zen saying (fish is always saying that i look at things with my "professor glasses" on too much - everything is a problem so that i can solve it.)

"I know what the great cure is: it is to give up, to relinquish, to surrender, so that our little hearts may beat in unison with the great heart of the world." - Henry Miller

"All beings by nature are Buddha, as ice by nature is water. Apart from water there is no ice; apart from beings, no Buddha." - Hakuin, "Song of Zazen"

"An adventure is only an inconvenience rightly understood; an inconvenience is only an adventure wrongly understood." - G.K. Chesterson

"Lose your mind and come to your senses." - Fritz Perls

"Consider a three-story building. The first floor is where we usually live. The second floor is the level of kensho, or enlightenment. The third floor is the domain to which Dogen summons us, and to reach it, obviously, you have to go by way of the second. But some people quit at the second floor, mistakenly believing they've arrived at the roof. And also let me remind you that above the roof lie boundless skies. Thus, the reality of our practice is that we must clarify ourselves endlessly." - Ko'un Yamada

"The aspects of things that are most important for us are hidden because of their simplicity and familiarity." - Ludwig Wittgenstein (Holy geez, this one hit me hard.)

"The mind is the Buddha himself." - Ma-tsu

"Seeking the mind with the mind - is not this the greatest of all mistakes?" - Seng-tsan

"Let Him be only that He is and as He is, and make Him no otherwise. Seek no further in Him but subtlety of wit." - The Cloud of Unknowing

"There ain't no answer. There ain't gonna be any answer. There never has been an answer. There's the answer." - Gertrude Stein (i heart Gertrude. Always have.)

"We know only that our entire existence is forced into new paths and disrupted, that new circumstances, new joys and new sorrows await us, and that the unknown has its uncanny attractions, alluring and at the same time anguishing." - Heinrich Heine

---------------------

Last night i began to understand or open my eyes to a few more things. i wondered why it was so important that i continue to be involved with Akodo and lyric - why was the feeling that i should extricate myself from their lives hurt so much? i do have that feeling...i think maybe because even though i believe they both care for me, their involvement with me is Gor-related. Yes, we've spoken about rt things, but...the majority of the involvement is Gor-related. And now they are thinking of leaving Gor to begin something new...which i actually think is a great idea for them.

Last night was also the first time that i've considered leaving Gor seriously. i've not made up my mind. i need to consider more what exactly i am getting out of my time there, and what i am -expecting- to get out of my time there.

12:46pm

Got an email from Akodo this morning. i'm trying to explain that i'm not clinging to Him as a Master...i'm clinging to Him as a person, as someone in my life i don't want to loose. i'm not sure that idea is being understood. i can see how it can be confusing considering my actions of late, but my truth is unravelling faster than i can pick it back up again.

Here is my email in reply to His:

"*sighs*

I understand Your viewpoint. Most of what You've said I agree with. I've already expressed how sorry I am for getting so distracted. I did a terrible thing, and I know it.

However, I left last night for one single reason - I was getting too upset and needed to clear my head. NOT in any way, shape, or form because of seeing You and lyric together.

During the time away last night, I realized that part of my problem was the lack of differentiation between Gor and rt, which is totally and completely my fault. i was Yours in Gor, but not in rt. I was so desperate that I either couldn't see or didn't want to see the line that was there.

Last night was the first time that I have seriously considered leaving Gor. I haven't made up my mind yet, but it may be something I need to do, to get my life straight.

Please understand these things, Master:

- I am not, in any way, upset or jealous over Your relationship with angel.
- You are right, at first I clung to You out of desperation. Now, I know that it is because of the Man You are, and the person You are to me. I am trying not to cling anymore, but it is difficult to separate sometimes. I've mentioned this in my blog.
- The hurt that I am feeling comes from ONE reason - the feeling that I am loosing two very important people in my life. Period. I have worked through everything else I thought it might be, again something I've mentioned in my blog.

I am going through many...many changes right now, Master, and most of them involve very ugly realizations about myself that I have to face and accept. Please believe me when I say that I am trying - Your lessons are very important to me and not something I am going to take for granted. I want You to be proud of me, I want to be special to You, I want You to be happy with the work You put into me.

You are right - You trained me. You owned me, You sought to improve me. But to be perfectly honest, I took it the wrong way. You were very clear on Your intentions when this all began, but I read too much into the words, the poems, the experiences, and now, I'm paying the price by loosing something that has meant the world to me. Your ownership is...intoxicating, and even someone caught on the edge of Your whirlwind like I was needs time to decompress. It will happen, Master. You've taught me things that are making these changes possible - otherwise I would still be that ugly person that I don't want to be. I AM working through it.

I only ask that You give me time to explain myself, and please, please don't give up on me."

Meh. One more jot on the pro side for leaving Gor - apparently i plow right through boundary lines like a Mack truck on a Geo Metro. i am bulldozer frog.

Foods eaten:

Total caloric intake:

Exercise:

Calories burned:

Current weight:

6:11pm

i miss my friends.

8:42pm

sairah (Wild Gants) says:
i don't know how to not be Yours, Master. You've trained me to be this way, and i don't know how to be now.

sairah (Wild Gants) says:
i'm sorry. God, i'm sorry. i miss You...god, i miss You....please, Master...

sairah (Wild Gants) says:
i want to scream...i want to beg You, Master, i can't stop....i have never...NEVER felt so out of place, so left behind and....so stupid.

sairah (Wild Gants) says:
what am i supposed to do, Master? For the past YEAR You've trained me to be Yours, and i can't just....turn it off....i don't WANT to turn it off....

sairah (Wild Gants) says:
tell me what to do, Master...please, tell me how to turn it off.

sairah (Wild Gants) says:
You know what hurts the most, Master? *quietly* Being separated from my friends. i wish...god, i wish i could show You how glad i am for Your decisions...i just can't deal with not being able to to talk to You, or her.

---------------------------

So...yeah. i'm ugly tonight.

i just...i feel like i'm expected to just...turn off this need for Him that He's taught me over the past year. Yeah, i got distracted, and believe me, i am paying the very expensive price for that, but it never stopped being Him. He's taught me and trained me, and now...He's taken it away, and i'm left completely clueless as to where to go next.

So goes the price for my stupidity, eh?

Foods eaten: 1 scrambled egg, 1 8oz serving of juice, one salad consisting of lettuce, cauliflower, sunflower seeds, and ranch dressing, plus 2 1/2 cup servings of cottage cheese and 3 "mini" pickles.

Total caloric intake: 478

Exercise: 30 minutes on stationary bike, shopping

Calories burned: 970

Current weight: 268

8:45pm

my wife is here. =) Last night we had a long, emotional talk about the things i've been going through. She did the most amazing thing, though...

She told me to take my clothes off and lay on my stomach on the bed. And she leaned over me and whispered in my ear, "Tonight, you are my Holy Temple." (She is pagan) She proceeded to kiss every single inch of my body, from each fingertip down to each toe. i got a little uncomfortable, because she was...well, she was worshipping me and i could feel it and i didn't...think i was worth it. But...at the same time, i couldn't argue that SHE felt i was worth it, so...i relaxed. Her lips were the softest, warmest things i've ever felt against my skin. No one has ever kissed the back of my knees before. *chuckles* i got a kick out of that.

i may write more when i've had a little time to process it.

Foods eaten: 1 banana, 2 8oz servings of juice, 1 cup milk, one salad consisting of turkey and ham with spinach, lettuce and carrots and Italian dressing, plus 1/2 cup of cottage cheese.

Total caloric intake: 575

Exercise: 30 minutes on stationary bike

Calories burned: 978

Current weight: 268

11:08am

Ah, Friday. The day for sleeping in.

i wonder how far i would go to see Him happy? Can i honestly say that i would do anything? Anything encompasses a lot of things...everything, actually. There are things that He could ask of me that...would kill me. He could put me in so much agony...the agony i've already been through is nothing compared to what He could do. And here i am, giving willingly to this danger. i won't ever be His completely, and here i am.

Here i am. Everything.

2:06pm

"Truth is not terrible; it is merely real."

It is a quote, from Blood Brothers of Gor. It was included in a brilliant essay lyric wrote about the fairness of Gor, that Akodo posted in a thread on the topic.

It made me think of my own reality. my reality is...painful at moments. More moments than i care to have. But my reality is not something i can turn away from, hide from, run away from. my reality is real. It may be painful, but it is not terrible. i must...need this pain. i can hope for it to go away...but i can't ignore it. i believe that i have opened my eyes to it...i only hope i don't close them in fear.

2:42pm

i was talking to Akodo, and i got overwhelmed again. i want to scream, i want to rage at the Universe, i want to sink my hands into my hair and pull it away from my head. i'm not angry...i miss something that isn't even known to me yet, and it's so incredibly frustrating and...sad. And still, it's all about fucking me. It's all about the need i have, the ache that sickens me, how i long for a strong hand in my hair instead of my own, how i need the freedom to worship, how i long for someone....god, anyone, please...to know me. Right now, all i can feel is this ache inside me, and it's clawing at my insides with a strength i didn't know existed and am scared of.

8:36pm

15 pounds. i don't really believe it, i don't think. i don't feel it.

Foods eaten: 1 banana, 1 chicken breast, 1/2 cup green beans. For dinner, i had 1/2 cup of cottage cheese and a salad that included cauliflower, sunflower seeds, hard-boiled eggs and a small amount of dressing.

Total caloric intake: 576

Exercise: 30 minutes on stationary bike, general office work, walked 1/2 mile

Calories burned: 1620

Current weight: 271

Written at work:

7:26am

(Pain)
Without love
(Pain)
Can't get enough
(Pain)
And i like it rough
Cause i'd rather feel pain than
nothing at all
- Three Days Grace

i heard this song on the radio this morning on the way into work. While it had rather emo-ish overtones, the basic idea of the lyrics gave me pause as to why i consistently seek out "feeling" something. Usually it ends badly, and it's more like punishing myself than anything. But maybe i'm so afraid of never feeling good that i...push myself onto other people, squeezing every inch of any kind of emotion from them even if they aren't feeling it at all. Like...an emotional vampire.

God, that's ugly. Selfish and ugly.

Another ugliness in this morning's meditations was the realization that sometimes...when i see Akodo and lyric interacting, i mistake the need and the ache that creates in me to feel that with someone as being envious of His time. Part of it is wanting Him, but because i'm so close to both of them, i guess i was blind to the line so obviously drawn in the sand.

So...yeah. Not a pretty morning at all.

Breathe deep, froggie-girl. you're on the right path...just need to make it through the thorns first. you've been through worse, you can make it.

10:02am

Oh, lord. Akodo said i could call Him at lunch. Gah...i have no reason to cry, but as soon as i hear Him i know i will, because i'm an emotional baby. With everything that's been going on, with everything i've thought about and realized and faced the last few days, being allowed to hear Him is just...a wee bit overwhelmingnervewrackingohmygodpleasedontletmethrowuporpeemyself.

3:07pm

i didn't pee myself. AND i didn't cry. Yay. me. It was so...good to hear Him and talk to Him again. Good, and yummy, and warm and yeah, my head kept going to the gutter. =/ Oh, the things that go on in my head.

Written after work:

We went out for dinner tonight, and i had my first "true" test. i picked the restaurant because it offers more healthy foods, but i forgot about the cheesecake and frozen yogurt. *gah* i am officially mourning cheesecake.

*sniff*

What i wrote at work yesterday:

This morning i did my "Tae-Bo" workout. It makes me feel all grr...kicking and punching and stuff.

Officially, this morning, i've lost 10 pounds since last Thursday!

i had a talk with Aiden last night - He said He wanted to clear the air between us. i thought that He was talking about the night i got angry at Him, but He wanted to make sure that i knew that He was never going to own me. It kind of made me feel a little stupid - i mean, i've always known that, but obviously my actions have said otherwise. The talk went well, i think we've settled into a pleasant acquaintance-type relationship.

Kind of makes me wonder what else my actions have said. Akodo gave me a wake-up call about them, that's for sure...i think i should be more careful that my actions match my beliefs and words.

i miss Akodo. i have pangs of aching sometimes...even though He's still here, still a part of my life, i know i messed it up on some level. i have no doubt that He could have (and still might) decided to not have anything to do with me at all, could have booted me out. i'm trying very hard to make the most out of this second chance that He's given me.

In a weird way...i'm still focused on Him. Right now i'm trying to...not really distance myself, but i'm trying to change my behavior that wasn't good. i know that He doesn't own me anymore...except in the most technical of ways, so i'm trying to show Him that i respect the decision He made. More than anything, i think it's great that He's concentrating more on rt - i think that's a very smart, very wise decision. i admit that i'll miss Him, of course i will...but i'm more content knowing that He's happy.

i'll probably have my clingy moments. =( i hope He doesn't mind too terribly much.

Right now i feel like i have a good handle on things. That is subject to change, but...i think i'll be able to keep a clearer head.

--------------

i've decided that i'm going to add in a few more items to my diet - up until now i've been very strict with myself, but it's -really- hard to want to eat salad without dressing. =( i just have to be careful, and continue to watch my calories. i'm trying to limit myself to 700 a day, and so far i've kept it between 400 and 500.

--------------

i just re-read a few entries in my PS diary, and some of the things Akodo's written me. *sighs* Yeah, i miss Him. i've thought about what exactly i miss...wondering if it's just the attention, or if it's Him. Right now...i think it's a combination of both. It's His attention. Yeah, i crave a strong hand guiding me, but...i miss His hand. Stupid frog.

Bleh, shake it off, girl. you're still alive, you're still allowed near Him, and you're less 10 pounds.

Foods eaten: 1 banana, 2 "mini" pickles, 1 tilapia filet, 1/2 cup green beans during work, 1/2 cup mixed fruit, and 10 olives. For dinner, i had 1 skinless chicken breast, carrots and 2 "mini" pickles, plus 8 oz of juice

Total caloric intake: 520

Exercise: 30 minute "Tae-Bo" workout, general office busyness, walked 1/2 mile

Calories burned: 1507

Current weight: 273

i'm pissed because i had some stuff to get out here today that i wrote at work...and i left it there. Right where it does absolutely no good whatsoever.

But hey...i'm officially 10 pounds less of a frog.

Foods eaten: 1 banana, 1 pear, 2 "mini" pickles, 2 oz chicken, 1/2 cup green beans during work. For dinner, i had 1 tilapia filet. 10 olives and 2 "mini" pickles, plus 8 oz of juice

Total caloric intake: 504

Exercise: 30 minute on stationary bike, general office busyness, walked 1/2 mile

Calories burned: 1388

Current weight: 274

-------------------------------

Written during work:

i woke up in the middle of the night last night and was really confused...i thought i'd overslept but it was only 12:30 in the morning. Very odd.

i did the stationary bike for 30 minutes this morning. It's the longest session i've done on the bike, but i felt pretty good when i was finished. i did a few stretches afterwards to keep my legs from hurting, so i feel good today so far.

i talked to lyric on the phone last night, and we kissed and made up. =) she said that it seems better between us when we communicate a lot, and i agreed with her. We kind of separated for a little bit, due to circumstances and such. (Read: frog = stupid)

my pre-made lunch worked out well, though i'm not really eating as often as i think i need to be.
Here's a run-down of my "plan":

• At least 30 minutes a day of exercise
• Eat only fruit, vegetables, and lean meats
• Drink water like it's going out of style, and some fruit juice (limited)
• No eating or drinking juice after 7:30pm, 8:00pm at the latest.
• Eat many small meals during the day to boost metabolism

Seems like a lot, doesn't it? It's funny, because i look at all that stuff, and i can totally see the me of...geez, even a week ago...saying "Weeeeeeeelllll...i dunno..." But now, it's like...no big deal. The food especially, which is suprising, because i thought i'd have the hardest time with that. i am dreaming of what to have for any cheat days i may be rewarded with - so far i'm drooling over pancakes and warm, crusty bread with butter. And the bottle of margarita mix still chilling in my refrigerator.

Mmmmm.....Paaaaaaancaaaaaakeeessss...< /end Homer Simpson voice >

The most difficult thing is getting up in the morning for the exercise. Of course, waking up at 4:00am to do anything is hard, but when you don't get home until 6:00pm, it makes for long days. Especially if i don't get enough sleep, which is hard during the week. Usually i'm functioning on about 5 hours, and then i pass out on the weekends. i do so love sleeping. Actually, i don't love the sleeping part because obviously, i'm unconscious...but i love laying in my bed, having nothing to do, in soft fuzzy sheets and Sleepinfrog tucked beside me. Oh yes.

It's ten minutes to 4, and i'm having a severe case of "i don't wanna do anything else"-itis. i feel lazy, which feels...weird after yesterday. i still have an hour and a half left, which blows. A-lot.

Written after work:

Well. i had my first cravings for real food today. Since last Thursday night, i've barely recognized food as a necessity, but today was different (obviously). i got a little scared, but i wasn't sure i could hold up under temptation, but i did well, and am feeling pretty good so far.

AND i've lost 9 pounds. *boggles*

Foods eaten: 1 cup melon, 2 17oz bottles of water, 1 cup green beans + big purple cup of water (i don't know how much can fit in there). Dinner consisted of 1 grilled tilapia filet (which i'd never tried before), two small pickles and 10 olives.

Total caloric intake: 257

Exercise: 30 minute "Core Rhythms" work out, general office busyness, housework, grocery shopping

Calories burned: 1542!

Current weight: 275 (i discovered i need to weigh myself in the mornings)

Written during work:

Today i did my Core Rhythms workout in the morning. i definitely struggled to get out of bed at 4 in the morning, but i did it. i was a little later than normal getting to work because i had to scrounge for food i could eat, but that will change after i get groceries tonight.

i got sad last night again...i miss Him, and i miss lyric. i'm glad that they are going to be concentrating more on r/t - i think that v/t drama is never good for a long term, real life relationship.

i'm happy and excited for this opportunity that He's given me, but...yeah, i hurt. i cried last night again, and i woke up feeling that ache. But i know that everything He gives me is something i need to learn from, so i'm happy that i'm not spiralling out of control like i was before.

It made me wonder, actually, if that whole time between being in His collar the first time and the second time was just one big grieving process for me...which is why begging for His collar the second time was the wrong thing for me to do. i had been talking to lyric about it the night i begged, and she told me that i'd never know unless i tried...but i don't think i should have taken that as encouragement to do it. Basically...all she said was a true statement - i would never know if i never tried. Good advice, really. But in this situation, i should have listened more to that uneasy feeling i had, then taking the "reassuring" way out. Stupid, silly frog.

Written after work:

i'm more excited today about the eating plan - mostly because i went to the grocery store after work and stocked up. i guess i do still get excited about food. =/ i got turkey filets and tilapia filets (which are awesome) and more fruit. i made up my lunch for tomorrow, so that i don't have to mess with it in the morning.

i had a weird experience at the grocery store, though. i was walking down the aisles, and i realized just how HORRIBLE most things are! Usually i'm all "Come to butthead" but today...i actually saw a woman holding a cake in her hand and wanted to smack it to the ground! A fucking CAKE!!

Holy crap. Cake.

2nd realization

Why am i so afraid of being alone?

i've been alone before. i've been the type of alone that not many people can imagine. Maybe that's why...i'm terrified of going back there.

i look at people who have what i don't...and something inside me just crumbles. i ache for it. Am i trying too hard? Am i thinking about it too much? Is it something about me that keeps it from happening? Maybe i'm not smart enough, or interesting enough, or attractive enough, or thin enough, or...

.....maybe i'm too fucking dramatic. >.< There it is, that's why i'm not owned. Owners don't want a fucking drama queen, they want a slave.

i can't stop the ache, though. i'm so happy for the people who have found it, but...i ache.

Please find me.

1st realization

The first thing i need to realize is the most important, and probably will take the longest to actually do so. i can only begin at the beginning, and come back to it as i can.

This is what i need:

• i need a confident Man. Someone not only confident in Their ability to master someone, but in their abilities as a Man.
• i need an intelligent Man. Someone who is comfortable seeking knowledge and learning, instead of assuming They know enough.
• i need a Man who can express Himself. Oh, this is going to encompass so many things. i want Him to be able to express His feelings however He wishes, through words or music or art or whatever. i want Him to be able to tell me exactly what He wants. i want Him to be able to have quiet moments, and fun moments, and moments where He throws me against the wall to fuck me before He locks me away.
• i want a Man who knows what He wants, and is comfortable and capable of making that happen.
• i want a Man who wants every inch of me. The part of me that wants to be His fuckslave, the graceful servant, the overpowering adoration and love. If i ache for Him to treat me as His property, i want to know that part is accepted.
• i want a Man who is not afraid of His darkness. i don't think i can explain it much better than that.

Gah...i want, i want, i want. That is quickly becoming the bane of my existance. It feels so strange to be thinking about what i want, when i am striving to become a slave. But...i suppose i need to know what i am looking for, so that i can work to make myself worthy of that. It feels unnatural to concentrate so openly on what i want.

the beginning...

How many times have i started over again?

More importantly...why does this time feel different?

This blog is a creation of some ugly realizations about myself. Things that i needed to be shown, in order for me to become who and what i'm meant to become.

These realizations are not new to me. No, i've had these thoughts before, and i've had an increasingly unsettled feeling in my belly because of them. Now, i have been released to do what i'm required to do. i feel ready, even for the pain of exploring these realizations as i must do.

Here, i intend to do the following:

• Track my daily caloric intake and output
• Write random and hopefully passingly coherant thoughts
• Follow my progress as i learn what is so great about me