into the becoming

Last night, I was watching tv and I saw a commercial for Laughing Cow cheese. Now, I love me some Laughing Cow cheese, but what struck me about the commercial was that they showed a snack plate with apples, grapes and crackers with the cheese on it...and it looked really good. Like, I started craving the apples and grapes and cheese & crackers.

This has a point.

This morning, I woke up as normal and started getting ready. I got on the scale and....280. Now...that was the magical number that I secretly told myself "at least I'm not at that number". Even yesterday, when it read 279, I told myself that. But now...I AM that number. And it's not going to go anywhere but up unless I DO something.

I admit - this morning I was tempted to panic. When I saw that number flash up at me, my knees wobbled. I quickly clamped it all back and got ready in a sort of daze. My thoughts were going a mile a minute - if I could do this, this and this then I wouldn't be that number anymore. But of course, they were things that haven't worked before and that I know aren't safe.

I remembered the log book that my friend gave me. I remembered the running plan that I've been wanting to start. And I remembered Sparkpeople, to help me track things.

My goal is to loose 40 pounds by January 1st. That equals to 1.5 pounds per week, which I believe is a safe and steady rate. I've entered in my stats at Sparkpeople, which says that I should be eating around 2000 calories a day - as long as I make sure that I'm not eating 2000 calories of pasta a day, I think that is a doable goal. I have to start exercising - so tomorrow I'll be doing the bike in the morning for 30 minutes (or some time during the day) until Monday, when I WILL start the running program.

I always read about people having this big flash-of-light, OMGmoment where they somehow find the strength to start doing whatever they need to do. I don't feel strong...but I feel cornered. And maybe feeling cornered is what I need to fight back. Maybe I'm finally ready, and that moment I had with the Laughing Cow commercial was my body telling me that it's okay, that this is what it wants.

I have to stop thinking about it, and start doing it.

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I wrote the above this morning. I did well during the day, but binged at supper time. Somehow, I stayed within my calorie limit, so at least there is that.

I feel...good, which is surprising. I think I'm expecting to feel bad, like I'm already anticipating the failure. And I can definitely taste fear in the back of my throat...but I'm trying not to think. No think, just do. I have to channel my inner-Yoda.

There is no try, only do.