I just sat and looked through the past few entries I made here...and I think what I was feeling as far as my submission goes was a really bad disconnect that Moose and I had going. We got so caught up in life that this stuff seemed to take a back burner, and I was definitely missing it.

Turns out, he was too. Funny how that works.

I think we re-connected this weekend. I was getting so nervous that by Wednesday, I nearly had a complete meltdown. I left work midday and was going to meet Moose at a restaurant for lunch before hitting up Wal-Mart for some last minute supplies.

*hits pause as cat lays on arm*

So I have someone drop me off at the restaurant, instead of dropping me off at my car (where my phone was) so I could drive to the restaurant. It was raining, of course, and due to some horrible miscommunication on my part and the idiocy of not having my phone, I ended up standing outside for an hour waiting for him, while he had fallen asleep in his car waiting for me a block down.

I finally got through to him (the ass-y restaurant people wouldn't let me use their phone) and I just broke down. Since then, I've been so clingy...and then to be camping with him, it just made it moreso. There was a moment this weekend where we went to a little Cocktail event but he had forgotten his badge and I offered to wait while he went back to get it...bad idea. I ended up crying, in front of all those people while I sat in a corner like a little lost dog. He came back to a mess, and was utterly and understandably confused because I couldn't tell him or even try to explain what was going on. From then on, he was careful not to leave me alone...and it made me feel so safe.

I loved where we ended up setting up camp - it was at the top of "Cherry Hill", so it was isolated enough to give us space when we needed time to ourselves, but we could easily walk to where the fun was. It was beautiful up there, and even though it was cold and rained, we still had fun. We had fun getting frustrated over the tent, we had fun when we woke up with a flat tire on my car the morning we were going to leave, we had fun eating hot dogs for breakfast.

I saw a lot of things over the weekend that made me smile, a lot of things that reaffirmed things I want or don't want to try, and I did new things. I peed outside. I took a shower completely naked in the sunshine. I met people I admire, desparately wanting them to like me as some sort of selfish affirmation that even as I am, I'm okay.

Well, I was feeling good up until that last line, which sort of sucked the sails right outta me.

I cried when we left, and we're already planning for next year.

How many times can I say OMG without being annoying?

Probably not that many...but really. Oh. Em. Gee.

Seriously - greatest vacation EVER. I'll babble more about it later, but I just had to say...it was fucking awesome. Everything about it was awesome.

Except the rain. The rain kinda blew, but it didn't even matter because everything else was OMGAWESOMEWTF!!!!!

AND.

I got to be in a cage.

I got to COLOR. IN A CAGE.

And I peed outside for the first time ever. And I showered outside! Completely naked! In front of people!

*goes to digest memories*

Sooooo...I'll never admit this in public, but I'm scared.

I used to think nothing of getting naked in front of people. It was easy-peasy-lemonsqueesy to get a beating in front of a crowd, to have people mill about and comment on things...

Gah. Maybe that's why I've been having these weird attacks.

I'm scared that we won't do -anything-. For so long, it's just been us...and we really haven't physically done much for a long time. I've told him it's his choice (obviously), but...it will almost feel like I was at a memorial for my own submission if we didn't do anything.

I'm sure I'll get over it.

I'm scared that...ugh, that I'm ugly. U-G-L-Y, you ain't got no al-i-by, you ugly, hey hey, you ugly...WOO!

Soooooooo.

I have steadily been collecting all things camping. I even bought Camp Soap, as opposite to Other Soap, because I am awesome.

I really want to get beaten while we're away. I had a dream about having bruises and the ache that went with them, and I woke up hungry for them.

I think this trip will be interesting...I hope Darrin can relax some and have fun. I hope he doesn't get hung up on being perfect, mostly because I know it was me that was causing that for so long. I really just want him to hurt me his way. Like Burger King!

I've been thinking a lot about motivation lately. Mostly about my lack thereof, especially in the exercising arena.

I think it's because I feel guilty because of what is really motivating me.

Whenever you hear about weight loss stuff, you always hear that you have to want it for yourself - that you have to want to be healthy and be around for your family and blahblahblah. Okay, those reasons are great and all, and I totally support them. But what's really motivating me is the urge for other people to think I'm pretty.

There. I said it.

I want other people to want me. I want Darrin to be proud to show me off. I want to walk along and be admired.

You know what? It's shallow, I know. But this is how the majority of people are wired, and I'm one of them. I want to be pretty! I want to be flirted with and hit on, instead of being the fat "funny" friend.

I want to be seen. And I know that people would only see the outside of me, but that's fine. That's all I freaking WANT them to see. I don't care if they know the real me, I just don't want them to be passing negative judgement on me with a single glance.

I'm SO EXCITED because Moose and I are going to Spankfest.

Not to mention, I'm totally geeking out over the whole camping thing. OMG. I'm even printing out CAMPFIRE RECIPES because I'm so not cool.

I am so Coleman's bitch right now, and I could just squee.

*squee!*