into the becoming

I've been thinking a lot about motivation lately. Mostly about my lack thereof, especially in the exercising arena.

I think it's because I feel guilty because of what is really motivating me.

Whenever you hear about weight loss stuff, you always hear that you have to want it for yourself - that you have to want to be healthy and be around for your family and blahblahblah. Okay, those reasons are great and all, and I totally support them. But what's really motivating me is the urge for other people to think I'm pretty.

There. I said it.

I want other people to want me. I want Darrin to be proud to show me off. I want to walk along and be admired.

You know what? It's shallow, I know. But this is how the majority of people are wired, and I'm one of them. I want to be pretty! I want to be flirted with and hit on, instead of being the fat "funny" friend.

I want to be seen. And I know that people would only see the outside of me, but that's fine. That's all I freaking WANT them to see. I don't care if they know the real me, I just don't want them to be passing negative judgement on me with a single glance.