into the becoming

Fair warning: This post will be completely selfish and whiny, and probably way too emo for a 29-year-old.

*sigh* (ack! See?!)

i got really upset last night when i went to bed. i'd been quiet all day, and when i laid down, i just got overwhelmed. i know why, and i'm dumb. i was supposed to fill my prescription for my happypills on Friday, but the doctor's office was closed, sooo...no happypills for frog.

i started thinking about turning 30 soon...which lead me to wonder if i'm doing the right things with my life...which in turn lead me to complete and utter rage at myself for letting me slide back up to 270...which made me feel absolutely fugly and unlovable...which made me wonder if that's the reason Darrin doesn't feel the need for a committment...

You get the idea. i am an Olympic gold winner of cyclonic thinking.

i decided that i'm going to try (again) to limit my calories per day to 1500, and to do 30 minutes of exercise a day. i need to pick up the smaller habits again, too, like not eating after 7:30 at night. The problem is that during the week, my day is pretty full: i'm up by 4:15 in the morning, out the door between 4:45 and 5:00, and i get home usually between 6:00 and 6:30 and night. It's very difficult to want to do ANYTHING when i get home from work, but i have to change that. Maybe i should try getting up at 3:45. *just cries*

i came home tonight and crawled into bed with Darrin and just bawled. He did say that he was very glad that i came to him and told him what was going on - i know he was worried about me because i couldn't talk much at work.