Grace and Submission

So.

i read a few blogs that deal primarly with submission, D/s, slavery, et al. There have been quite a few good topics floating around lately, and it got me to thinking. Be prepared, i'm so going to ramble.

Reading these blogs always makes me wonder who is out there reading mine. It's difficult for me to know - i rarely get comments or whatever. It sort of makes me feel both comfortable and isolated at the same time. i feel free to voice myself as i wish, but wondering what my thoughts might inspire in other people.

The biggest thing that has got me contemplating is the concept of grace within submission. i was reading one person's view on it, and it struck me that mine was completely different. i don't really view "grace" as an ability, but rather more of a state.

When i think of the word "grace", i get an image in my head that is surprisingly spiritual. i think of serenity and peace and joy, even within the struggles. So (as i'm sure you can guess), i thought more on this.

Did you know that one of the most powerfully submissive moments i ever had was in a movie theater? Oh, it was. *solemn nod* Want to take a guess at the feature show? No?

It was The DaVinci Code.

And no...not because of that.

It was the music, actually - in the last scene, where Robert runs like a mad fool all over Paris and ends up staring down into the inverted glass pyramid in front of the Louvre. The track is actually called "Chevaliers de Sangreal" should you be interested.

Oh, that music. Even as i listen to it now, it fills my soul with such power, such overwhelming...something...that i have tears in my eyes. As i sat in that theater, i stared up at the screen with what was probably the dumbest expression anyone ever wore ever. i immediately left the theater (after regaining some sort of composure) and ran to buy this glorious music.

*sighs* i wish i could explain it, but at that moment, i realized that i was feeling this utterly pure, utterly trusting faith in regards to my own submission - not in regards to anything of a religious nature. As so many in this world find peace, meaning and growth through their faith in any particular religion, i find the same things within the belief that i belong in a state of worship.

Sounds a bit...fanatical, maybe? Believe me, this was more of a shock to me than to anyone else. Never in my life have i ever been affiliated with any organized religion (despite an adolescent exploration of paganism). i was always...offended by the rules. How could someone other than me define how i would worship something? Boo-hiss.

i do consider myself to be a very spiritual person (especially after this epiphany) - and the concept of religion fascinates me to no end. i'm the girl that watches those "Science of Jesus" shows on the History and Discovery Channels with rapt interest. i'm the girl who has books and books on religious topics - and yet, i could never identify with any particular one. Am i a Christian? Nah. i'm sure Jesus was groovy and all, but i think he was just a guy. Buddhist? Hindu? Muslim? Nope, nope and nope.

So how could i have these feelings inside me? How could i be so inspired, to the point of using religious terms to help me describe these emotions?

i still don't know.

But i do know this: i am meant to be on my knees. i am meant for slavery in the same way that nuns marry themselves to their Lord. i worship Dominance, humble myself at it's feet, surrender myself to its divine will.

i used to have a very different outlook to my submission. When i would consider it, i was left with an anxious, jittery feeling - an anticipation of something. i forced some idea of it into my life, which left a string of failures trailing along behind me. It was something i had to prove, something i had to endure, some kind of...costume that i put on.

But what is this Dominance i worship? i'll try to explain, but please forgive me if i am vague.

When i close my eyes...it is a presence. In my mind, it forms a picture much like the Egyptians pictures their Goddess, Nut. She is depicted as hovering over the earth in a protective arch, her body filled with stars, her fingers and toes touching each of the cardinal points. (Click to see pictures) This is how i envision this presence - surrounding me, protecting me, watching me. The mere fact that this presence is there demands that i submit - it does not demand it from me, but i simply have no other thought in my mind. It has no face, no gender, no name. It is simply there, and i surrender. In my mind i abase myself - not with a feeling of humiliation, degredation, or because i am somehow less. i abase myself with joy, gratitude, humility, humbleness and breathless wonderment.

i imagine that it is much like a religious feeling...a feeling of knowledge of a greater power. i feel as though i have given up the shell of my submission and revealed something...that is no longer a separate entity of myself, but a fully ingrained and driving force of my very soul.

my submission now is very different than it was before. Along with no longer being a separate entity, it is also now something i do not have to force. It is always there, i can always feel it. It is no longer an action, but a state of being. It brings me joy, peace, and serenity. i can't fit it into a box anymore...now it is the box.

i believe that this is my grace in submission.