into the becoming

I'm trying to convince myself that I should start a running program.

Because I rely heavily on logic, I shall indulge this quirk o' mine and list out the facts.

1. I am currently at least 95 pounds overweight. I have been hovering around 275, and my goal weight is 180. I realize that for my height (5'9"), the ideal weight is more between 130 and 160 - however, I've always thought that I would look sickly at that weight.

2. I have done the work regarding my eating habits. Well, mostly. There are still a lot of issues that I continually work on, but at the very least I have acknowledged them and have a chat with them now and then. I eat much better now than I have, without starving myself. I believe that on a normal day, I probably eat around 2200 calories.

3. I have issues with exercising. My issue is manifested in laziness and excuses. I continually attempt to create a habit of working out, but I am never able to follow through for more than a few weeks.

4. I am terrified of what is beneath my fat. This is not a logical fact in any way, shape, or form, and that adds to my terror. I believe that part of my issue with exercising is not only being afraid of failing once again, but also being afraid of actually DOING it. I am afraid that beneath the layers of...ick...that there's nothing under there. There's nothing in me except the fat.

5. I am the only one who can change this.

I bought running clothes. I have sports bras and a stopwatch, and have downloaded a beginner's runnning program.

But somehow...I just can't step out the door.