into the becoming

Last night, just before I fell asleep, I was watching a show on TLC about women who don't know that they are pregnant. (Allow me to return to this particular topic in a moment) Anyway...they don't show symptoms, they don't get the belly, they just...I don't know, sneeze and a baby pops out one day.

So of course, I dream about this.

I'm in some sort of medical facility, and they aren't really talking to me, but are just kind of doing maternity ward type things - putting in a weird chair-like thing, specifically, which in my dream was utterly normal. O.o I'm wearing a hospital gown, and somehow I know I'm in a horrendous amount of pain but I don't really feel it. And I know I should be freaking out about having a baby without realizing I was pregnant, but I'm kind of...not, in a weird, kind of druggy-zen way.

And then, the moment comes...and I give birth to a puppy.

Not just any puppy. This puppy springs forth from my womb completely goo-free AND with a snappy little haircut, because this puppy is a little schnauzer puppy.

And then, in my dream it's the day after I've given birth to my puppybaby, and I give birth to ANOTHER puppy - this one looking more like a rottweiler with the black and brown markings, but with longer fur.

I almost wrote that it was the weirdest dream ever, but I'm pretty sure the beavers with feathers dream rocks that particular honor.

Beyond that....

I have a lot of stuff going on in my head. A lot of stuff that, even if people cared to ask (which they don't), I'm not sure I would share. It's funny sometimes how I will have a free moment here or there and these thoughts will pop into my head, and I'll still be doing my normal things...balancing payroll, listening to complaint after complaint, cleaning the house, joking with people at work.

I guess if they only knew and some stuff.

A guy a work pulled my hair today. Not like a little tug, either...he grabbed a fistful and pulled. Now, please remember that my workplace is a little different than most. We were actually fighting over the copier, and I had just socked him in the shoulder when he grabbed my hair. It was all in fun, we were laughing the whole time and afterwards, but...it made something deep inside me cry.

Chloe wrote something recently about some women able to achieve this state of submission by virtue of culture. How it seems an inate state of mind, something that doesn't need supported by anything else, i.e. someone else's dominance.

There is no one on this planet who knows how submissive I am. There is no one who could even guess at the depths of my thoughts, no one who can see me the way I truly feel. Sometimes I feel like the women Chloe was talking about, but...instead of being proud, it makes me sad. Lonely.

As much as I'd like for it to be, I really don't think there's anyone who could accurately describe the real me.